


On the Verge of Self-Destruction

by hell0lust



Series: On the Verge of Self-Destruction [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anorexia, Eating Disorders, F/M, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-07
Updated: 2015-09-12
Packaged: 2018-04-08 02:37:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 100,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4287543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hell0lust/pseuds/hell0lust
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius Black is under constant pressure to measure up to others' expectations of him. Feeling a lack of control over everything else in his life, he takes control over the one thing he can: his body and his weight. And no one can take that away from him. Anorexia, b/p. MWPP</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Choose My Choice, I Starve to Frenzy

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on ff.net

Sleeves rolled up, he stuck his right index and middle fingers down his throat, pressing down on the back of his tongue. His stomach rolled, and quickly it’s contents spewed outward, emptying itself. It took several minutes, but soon he was empty, and all was right with the world again. He flushed the toilet and walked towards the sinks, wiping vomit and saliva from his mouth with the back of his hand. He washed his hand and rinsed his mouth, staring intently at the mirror. He was handsome, he knew that. With his silky black hair, pale skin, and gray eyes how could he not be? There were black circles under his eyes, certainly, but still. Sirius was well aware of the swoons the ladies of Gryffindor let out, on his behalf. But that was no matter. He felt empty and in control, and that was what mattered.  
  
“Aren’t you getting a little old to still be doing this?”  
  
“I haven’t the slightest idea what you’re referring to James,” Sirius replied, making eye contact with his friend who stood at the doorway, via the mirror he had been gazing into for the past ten minutes.  
  
James rolled his eyes. “Next time you might want to put up a silencing spell, right mate?”  
  
Sirius frowned. “So you heard...”  
  
“I thought you were doing better. You seemed so well this summer.”  
  
Sirius sighed. He didn’t want to have this conversation for what felt like the millionth time. He was tired of trying to explain something that no one seemed capable of comprehending.  
  
“Don’t you have anything to say? I don’t know how many times I have to tell you this; you’re not fat.”  
  
Sirius’ body welled with rage, clenching his fists tightly to help quell the anger. “This isn’t about that. It was never about wanting to be thin, or attractive or whatever the fuck you think it is, so just sod off!”  
  
James stood silently, not responding, just watching his friend. Sirius rolled his eyes. “Fine, don’t want to leave? Then I will.”   
  
Shoving James out of the way, Sirius stormed off, hellbent on going somewhere, anywhere to be alone.

* * *

Sirius found himself outside, just by the edge of the forest. He stared out at the dark sky, littered with stars, focusing on his breathing. _Inhale. Exhale. Repeat._ He wasn’t sure what James had done to anger him so much. Normally he was able to keep calm, to dodge his friends’ questions and accusations about his behavior. What was so different about today? He bit his lip, beginning to regret his actions. Why had he said all that? That was as good as a confession, and they were surely going to hold it against him. Still, he couldn’t help but laugh at James’ words.  
  
“Thought I was doing better, what a laugh.”   
  
Sirius was nothing if not a private person. He only revealed to the world what he wanted them to see, what he felt comfortable being known. Sirius’ “habits” as James insisted on calling them, had never ceased, though he made certain to convince his friends otherwise. Especially after his hospitalization during fourth year. After that, James and Remus, loyal to the end, had taken him on as their own sort of mission, making sure he was eating, wasn’t purging up his meals, all under the pretense of caring. They didn’t, couldn’t understand the depth of his need for this, for these things. They hadn’t been raised in a home where their entire lives had been planned out for them. They didn’t understand the pressures of needing to measure up to other people’s expectations, or else. They didn’t understand that he needed this control, because it was the only thing in his life that he actually could control. It was a delicate balance, the dance hovering between health and illness, and Sirius knew it quite well. After all, this need to control something had started when he was what, eleven? Yes, he had made mistakes, like when he’d taken it too far when he was fourteen, but he was better now. He knew where to draw the line, how to appease the others while still maintaining a semblance of control over himself, over his body. Why couldn’t bloody James respect that, and leave him in peace?  
  
“You shouldn’t be out wandering late at night, alone.”  
  
Sirius turned to see who was approaching him.  
  
“Moony?”  
  
“It’s not safe to be wandering alone. You stormed out so quickly, and I was worried.”  
  
“Come now, Moony. I’m a Marauder. I can take care of myself.... How did you know where I would be?”  
  
Remus rolled his eyes. “We’ve only been roommates for what, six years now? Of course I know you well enough to know where you go to sulk, Sirius.”  
  
“I’m not sulking.”  
  
“You know James only said anything because he worries. We all do.”  
  
“Well you can stop worrying about me, because I’m fine. I mean look at me, I don’t look sick do I?” Sirius grumbled, gesturing towards himself.  
  
“It’s a slippery slope, Pads. I- we, you were throwing up, and that scares us. You... you never did that before when you were struggling. Except fourth year when you were really...”  
  
“I felt ill after dinner. I’m sorry if you’re worried, but really Moony, I’m fine. It’s the beginning of term and I’m nervous, and it’s really nothing at all.”  
  
Moony smiled. “If you say you’re fine, I believe you. Now, why don’t we head back in, it would relieve James some to know you’re okay.”  
  
Sirius nodded in agreement, knowing when to pick his battles. He headed back towards the castle with his friend, deep in thought. He would have to be more careful, in order to ease his friends’ minds. After all, though he cared deeply for them and didn’t wish to worry them so, there was no way in hell he planned to stop. How he coped, how he handled himself and his body would be on his terms, and no one else’s.

* * *

“Don’t you think so, Sirius?”  
  
“Hmmm?” Sirius replied, dazed. He had been staring off into space, bored by James’ vapid conversation about his chances with Lily, and trying his best to ignore the lingering headache and lethargy that came with what he affectionately called a “bulimic hangover.”  
  
James rolled his eyes. “I was just saying that I think we have a good chance at winning the cup this year. Even if we can’t find the best people to replace everyone who’s left, you and I can surely carry the team to another year of glory!”  
  
Sirius shrugged. “Who said I even want to play quidditch this year?”  
  
Remus, Peter, and James exchange looks, silent for several minutes. Finally, James cleared his throat, obviously uneasy. “Merlin, Sirius... You really must not be well, then.”  
  
Sirius rolled his eyes. “We’re taking NEWTs this year, James. And seeing as I don’t exactly have the Black family to support me or to put in a good word at the Ministry, I figure I should probably focus on doing well so I can support myself once we’re out of here.”  
  
James studied his friend for a moment, gauging how honest his friend’s statement was. “Just think about it at least, Pads. I need you.”  
  
Again, Sirius shrugged noncommittally. He looked down at his plate, where he had messily mushed his scrambled eggs around with porridge, creating a lumpy mess.  
  
“Are you going to eat anything or are you just going to sit there and play with you food?” James asked pointedly.  
  
“I suppose I’m not,” Sirius replied, hastily standing, before storming off, away from the Great Hall.

* * *

Morning classes passed by easily, Herbology followed by a dull Care of Magical Creatures lesson. Sirius made a point of ignoring his friends during lessons, still cross from James’ accusatory tone at breakfast. Still, he knew better than to avoid them at lunch. Taking his usual seat next to Peter, he nodded at James, who sat across from him. Food appeared on the table, and Sirius carefully scanned the spread before him. It went without saying that he would have to eat, something. After some hesitation, he helped himself to a serving of lettuce, foregoing any dressing. _Too many calories._ He frowned, staring down at his plate despondently. They had been back for the term for about two weeks now, and in an effort to quell his friends’ fears that his ‘condition’ was worsening, he had eaten like garbage, and could feel its effect. He was anxious, overly so, because he had been eating more than he felt safe to, and had cut back to purging only when he was certain no one would be able to happen upon him doing so. He could feel the tightness in his jeans, and it frightened him. Later, when he was sure he was alone, he would have to assess the damage, have to make a plan to get back on track. _Because this_ , he thought miserably to himself, _is no where near good enough._ Moony cleared his throat, obviously in an attempt to get Sirius’ attention.  
  
“Yes, Remus?”  
  
“Aren’t you going to eat anything but that?” he questioned, pointing at Sirius’ nearly empty plate, save for a few leaves of lettuce.  
  
Sirius quickly reached towards the platter of chicken, dumping a hearty portion onto his plate.  
  
“Sorry, I just got lost in my thoughts.”  
  
“What were you thinking about?”  
  
“My meeting with McGonagall.”  
  
“What for?” Peter interrupted, confused.  
  
Sirius rolled his eyes. “For career counseling. Time to bloody well figure out what I’m good at so I can start planning what I’m going to do come May.”  
  
His friends nodded. “Any ideas on what you’d like to do?” James questioned.  
  
Sirius shrugged. “Dunno. I’d still like to look into Auror training. Who knows if I’ll qualify though.”  
  
“If any of us could qualify, it’d certainly be you,” Moony replied, staring intently at him.  
  
“What about you, Moons?” Sirius questioned.  
  
Moony sat silently for a while, grimacing. “Given my condition it’s highly unlikely I could ever go into that field. I’m meeting with McGonagall myself, later, to figure out what fields I can actually go into, given the restrictions and my having to be registered and all.”  
  
Sirius frowned, feeling sorry for his close friend. As hard as he found his life to be at times, Moony still had the worst lot of it. Despite his obvious brilliance and skill, his goddamn lycanthropy barred him from most work. It was times like this where Sirius felt unbearably guilty. After all, he had been born into the aristocratic class. He had grown up with every privilege possible, simply by birthright. He was the one who had to be difficult, had to go against the grain and rebel. Had to reject the life his parents wanted for him, and find his own way. He had no one to blame but himself. His struggles, his problems, were mostly brought upon by himself. Compared to Moony, who was he to complain that his life was hard and he felt out of control? He stabbed at the food on his plate, forcing himself to take a bite. He couldn’t promise that he would keep it down, but the least he could do was clear his plate, if only for his friends’ sake.

* * *

Once he was finished eating, Sirius glanced at his watch. “I better be off, don’t want to be late,” he explained, standing.  
  
“Good luck,” James wished him, standing as well.  
  
Sirius nodded, before turning and heading towards the door. He quickly made his way towards Professor McGonagall’s office, hesitating as he reached the third floor lavatory. _I could,_ he thought to himself, _but I mustn’t._ He continued on, marching right into the office he knew quite well. As he was aware that she would probably be a while, Sirius made himself comfortable in one of the armchairs across from her desk, staring into the fireplace. He loved that, watching the flames curl up, hearing the hiss of embers. After several minutes, McGonagall entered. “Ah, Mr. Black. I see you made yourself at home.”  
  
“How could I not, when I consider this to practically be my home away from home?”  
  
McGonagall rolled her eyes. “Well, let’s get down to business, shall we?”  
  
Sirius nodded, waiting for her to begin.  
  
“You scored well on your OWLs, very impressive. So long as you do well this year, I’m quite certain you could have your choice of any career path you wish.”  
  
“What about Auror training?” Sirius questioned.  
  
“I don’t see why they wouldn’t have you. Have you reached out to the contact I gave you at the end of last term, Alastor Moody?”  
  
Sirius nodded. “He mentioned that they have certain screenings to determine if one qualifies, and I’m concerned that...” he trailed off, unsure of what to say.  
  
“You’re concerned that your medical history could be an issue?”  
  
He nodded. “I mean, if it is, I’d like to have something else to fall back on. Or know straight off so I don’t get my hopes up.”  
  
McGonagall sat quietly for a moment. “What else would possibly interest you?”  
  
“Curse breaking, I s’pose. I could do that.”  
  
McGonagall nodded. “Very good. I think that’s an excellent backup plan for yourself. And as I’m sure you’re aware, your current class schedule fits the criteria for that career path as well, so I do believe you’re good to go, Mr. Black,” she hesitated, before continuing, “unless you have something else troubling you.”  
  
Sirius shook his head. His stomach was turning and he was acutely aware that he was going to be sick, soon.  
  
“Very well, then. Have a good day, Mr. Black.”

* * *

Sirius mumbled a goodbye, then hastily exited, rushing towards the nearest bathroom.  
  
He didn’t even need to help it along, his body expelled the contents from his stomach on it’s own accord. Retching from the lingering taste of stomach bile and snot, Sirius breathed heavily through his nose, feeling the warm burning in his chest, feeling the rapid pounding of his heart in his ears. McGonagall had done nothing to quell his fear that his past hospitalization could hold him back from becoming an Auror. And if that was the case, then what was the point of anything? The damage was already done; might as well carry on with it, if there was no hope anyway. At least then he could have control of something in his stupid life. Have something in his life that was his, and only his. Thoughts racing, he hurriedly washed his hands before rushing out of the washroom, down the hall, back towards the stairs. He _needed_ to know what damage had been done. He needed to make a plan, to fix it, to fix himself. Cautiously, he entered the hospital wing. He had to be very careful not to draw attention to himself. For once, luck was on his side and the wing appeared empty. Sirius stared towards a lonely corner, where a scale stood. He made his way, hesitating for a moment before stepping on. Clumsily, he fiddled with the dials, until at least the scale settled, leaving him with a number, the answer he so desperately desired. 9st 4. _Fuck._ The very number made Sirius want to crawl out of his skin. How had this happened? Yes, he had been lax with his rituals and eating over the summer, and the past two weeks upon arrival back at school, but how could he have done this much damage? Sirius always felt safer hovering slightly below the 8st mark. This was unacceptable.  
  
“You’re so weak. So pathetic. So disgusting,” he mumbled to himself, exiting the wing. Disgusted as he was with himself, he felt relieved that he at least knew the number now. He knew where he was and what he needed to do to get to where he wanted to be. Now he needed to turn all his attention to that. Yes, it would all be alright, as long as he took back control.

* * *

Far too troubled to bother with afternoon classes, Sirius spent the rest of the day brooding in his dorm, thankful that the others hadn’t come in search of him. He lay sprawled across his bed, staring up at the ceiling, brow furrowed. _What could I do without drawing their suspicion?_ After all, this was too much. Drastic measures were necessary. He got up and entered the bathroom, taking care to cast both locking and silencing spells. Standing before the mirror, he stripped down to his skivvies, staring disgusted at the figure before him. First, he scrutinized his midsection. _It’s far too soft,_ he thought to himself, pinching at his slight stomach hatefully. Next, he examined his arms. They looked pale and slack, having gone months without playing quidditch.  
  
“Maybe if you’d have stayed fit, not been such a lazy disgrace, you wouldn’t be in the mess right now,” he mumbled angrily to himself, eyes burning hatred into the mirror.  
  
Again, he felt his stomach roiling. He lunged towards the toilet, barely making it close enough to empty himself in its vicinity. Shakily, he crouched down, resting his head on the edge of the porcelain bowl. _Why does it have to be so hard?_ He grasped at his chest, his heart pounding quickly, yet again. He sat on the floor for what felt like hours, gritting his teeth and focusing, focusing on the pain in his head, the emptiness of his stomach. Sirius knew that the pain was worth it, that he deserved it, after letting himself lose control so easily. The emptiness was comforting to him, proof that he was atoning for his sins, that he was gaining back control.

* * *

He would have skipped dinner if he thought he could get away with it, but knew that it wasn’t an option. Sirius seated himself next to Peter, keeping his composure. They couldn’t know what had transpired this afternoon. After all, they would only interfere. Sirius stared at the food spread on the table, making calculations in his head. _Lettuce, yes that’s safe,_ he thought, helping himself to a large helping of romaine. His eyes darted across the table towards the fruit bowl. He selected a small red apple, placing it next to his pile of lettuce. Biting his lip, he considered his other options. He reached towards the bread plate, then paused. _Bread? No, no, too many carbs. Hmmmm._ To round out his plate, Sirius helped himself to the smallest piece of turkey he could find. _Not that I’ll eat it, anyway,_ he thought smugly to himself. By the time he had finally made his meal selections, it dawned on Sirius that his usual corner of the table was silent. But why could that be? He looked across at James, who was slowly shoveling food into his own mouth. Suddenly it dawned on him; where was Moony? Sirius turned to Peter, curious. Peter shrugged his shoulders, looking grim. “James, I s’pose you’d better fill him in,” he said quietly, getting James’ attention.  
  
“What’s wrong with Moony?” Sirius asked, starting to feel nervous.  
  
James frowned. “Well, you know he met with McGonagall, this afternoon.... It, it didn’t go so well, I guess.”  
  
“It’s not fair, James. He’s the best in our class. Moony should have his choice of careers.”  
  
“You know I agree, Sirius. But the _Ministry_ feels otherwise. I hate all this, Pads. I do. It’s so unfair. How can someone be denied opportunity when they possess all the skill and talent in the world, solely based on race. I HATE IT!” James banged his fist angrily on the table, causing others at the table to glance over at him.  
  
Sirius gave his fellow Gryffindors a withering look, daring them to attempt to pry into their private conversation. “Where is he?”  
  
Peter and James exchanged glances.  
  
“Where _is_ he?” Sirius repeated again, his tone panicked.  
  
“He’s in the hospital wing, Sirius,” Peter replied finally, after minutes of awkward silence.  
  
“Moony... He.... He slit his wrists.”

* * *

Sirius felt as though he’d been kicked in the stomach. “He what... how, why... why didn’t you guys come find me?” he sputtered, struggling for words.  
  
“Well you didn’t come back to classes after your meeting, and once we found him we... well, we were a bit distracted,” James replied, looking down at the table sadly.  
  
Sirius nodded distractedly, his mind racing. “But... he’s okay, right? He’s going to be okay, right?”  
  
James and Peter exchanged looks. “He lost a lot of blood, and Madam Pomfrey wants to keep him for a few days, but physically he’s going to be okay.”  
  
Sirius’ eyes narrowed, darting back and forth between his two fellow Marauders. “What do you mean by that?”  
  
James made eye contact with Sirius, silently pleading with him to stop forcing out the painful truth. “He’s very fragile, Sirius. How do you think he is, knowing that he has next to no opportunities waiting for him once he leaves here? Wounds can heal, sure, but something like that? I mean... fuck, I hate to say this but, I can see why he would do what he did, trying to take his own life.”  
  
Sirius inhaled sharply, unsure what to say in response. “We’ll get him through this. We have to. Somehow, we’ll fix him, find a way to make him better. Right, Prongs? We’re his brothers.... we, we have to help.”  
  
James nodded in agreement. “We’ll do whatever it takes.”  
  
Sirius shoved his plate forward, half-eaten. “Well what the bloody hell are we still doing sitting here? Let’s go see him.”  
  
The other two Marauders nodded in agreement, standing as well.  
  
“Hopefully Pomfrey hasn’t given him a dreamless sleep draught, yet,” James muttered as the group exited the hall, headed towards the hospital wing.  
  
“It’s still early, I don’t see why she would,” Sirius shrugged, leading the way. He was anxious, he wanted to see Remus, make sure he was okay. Assure himself that he was alive and intact and whole. He needed to know, needed to be sure. Sirius couldn’t stand the thought that his friend was hurting so much, that he was capable of hurting himself like he had. _It’s one thing when I do it to myself, I deserve the abuse,_ he thought to himself, glancing down at his own wrists. Though time had passed, faint scars remained, testament to the abuse he had suffered at his own hands. _Not that I didn’t deserve it. I did what had to be done. I was losing control._ Still, this wasn’t about him. Right now Remus needed him and the others, and he had to pull himself together enough to help his friend.

* * *

Quietly, the three Marauders entered the hospital wing. The whiteness, the sterility of it, the overwhelming chemical smell of the wing made Sirius’ stomach turn. _Why did I eat anything?_ he thought angrily to himself. He needed to make sure Remus, his Moony, was okay, but his stomach was rebelling. _Just wait until we see him and I know he’s okay. Then I’ll take care of this,_ he promised himself. Sirius looked cautiously over towards James, expecting him to lead the way.   
  
“What are you all doing here?” Madam Pomfrey demanded, exiting her office.  
  
Sirius glanced at James, prompting him to respond.  
  
“We... we just want to see him.”  
  
Madam Pomfrey’s face softened; she had always had a soft spot for the Marauders, though she’d never admit it. And Remus certainly was her favorite. She was happy to see how deeply his friends cared for him. Especially, given the current circumstances. “I was just about to give him his potion. He needs his rest. You may see him for a few minutes, then he must sleep.”  
  
Pomfrey led the boys to the bed nearest her office, which was surrounded by curtains, closed. Carefully, she pulled open the curtains, revealing a small, frail looking boy, wrapped up in blankets. “Remus, you have visitors. Are you feeling up to it, dear?”  
  
Sirius watched as Remus’ eyes opened and closed several times, blinking. “I’m tired... but okay,” he agreed, glancing past Madam Pomfrey at his friends.  
  
“I’ll leave you to it, but remember, only ten minutes. Remus needs his rest. He’s had a trying day.”  
  
With that said, Madam Pomfrey walked back to her office, leaving the Marauders free to surround Moony’s bed.  
  
“How are you feeling, mate?” Sirius asked quietly, taking a seat at the foot of Moony’s bed.   
  
Remus grimaced, looking down at his blanket. “Awful.”  
  
“Rem is a little upset with us for uh, interfering,” James offered, taking a seat next to Sirius.  
  
“Typical Gryffindor heroics,” Remus scoffed, making Sirius smirk. Even when he was feeling so low, Moony’s cryptic sense of humor hadn’t been lost.  
  
“Rem, you know we’re here, right? We’ll be here to help get each other through anything.”  
  
Remus nodded, staring down at his blanket again. He pulled his arms out from under the covers, revealing thick bandages wrapped around both arms, from the wrist to elbow. Despite how depressing the circumstances, Sirius couldn’t help but observe Remus. He looked so tiny, _so enviably thin,_ he thought guiltily to himself. He had often resented the frail beauty that Remus emanated. He wished he could have such a perfect body, such a clean and fragile and perfect soul. _Though,_ he reasoned, _he obviously wasn’t that clean and perfect, considering he tried to off himself._ Still, he couldn’t help but admire his dear friend’s small frame, finding the sight of protruding bone under pale skin absolutely breathtaking.  
  
“How’d your meeting go, Siri?” Remus asked, breaking Sirius’ train of thought.  
  
He glanced from James to Peter, before making eye contact with Remus. _Should I tell him the truth?_ He hadn’t planned on telling them, on telling anyone, the truth. But maybe... maybe it would help. Make Moony feel less alone.  
  
“I um... There’s a good chance I wouldn’t qualify for Auror training,” he said quietly, looking down, ashamed. He felt an equal sense of shame and relief, for revealing such an intimate detail about his life with his friends.  
  
“How come?” James questioned, a quizzical expression on his face.  
  
Sirius ignored him, choosing instead to stare down at Remus’ blanket. He didn’t want to say. Admitting the reason behind defeat would make it real, far too painful to deal with. Remus watched him patiently, not pressing for details. That was one of the things Sirius treasured about him; he wasn’t like James, all pushy and demanding. Moony understood Sirius and his moods, let him have his space, was patient, knowing that Sirius would open up and reveal what he needed to on his own time.  
  
Finally, after far too much silence, Sirius sighed. “It’s because of my medical history... I, I wouldn’t be able to get cleared because of... You know,” he growled, flailing his arms about angrily. He felt embarrassed, no, worse, _ashamed_. Ashamed that he was admitting this to his friends. Ashamed that his only real hopes and dreams for his future had been crushed years prior. Ashamed that when it came down to it, he had done this to himself.  
  
“You’ll be okay, Pads. You know that right? _We’ll_ be okay,” Remus said quietly, offering Sirius a small smile.  
  
This small gesture brought a smile to Sirius’ own face, grateful that offering up his own pain had been some sort of condolence to his friend. They all sat silently for a moment, only to be interrupted by Madam Pomfrey, goblet in hand.  
  
“All right now, all of you, out. Remus needs his rest.”  
  
The three boys said goodbye to their friend, who smiled back at them, easing the heaviness in the boys’ hearts. He was smiling. He would be okay. They would all be okay. The trio exited the hospital wing, slowly trudging towards Gryffindor Tower. Sirius’ stomach began to roil again. “Umm, I have to use the loo. I’ll catch up with you blokes, okay?”  
  
“Alright,” James agreed, continuing on with Pete.

* * *

Numbly, Sirius rushed to the nearest washroom, quickly locking the door. He felt feverish, his skin felt too tight, too wrong. His stomach ached. Kneeling before the bowl, he retched up the contents of his stomach, gagging on the bile, his snot, his own tears. Shakily, he rose to his feet, once certain that his stomach was empty, that nothing remained. He quickly rinsed his mouth, then stared in the mirror. The black circles around his eyes looked darker, puffier. _You’re a wreck._ Still, the emptiness made him feel better. He needed it, more so than ever. To purge himself of food, his weakness. To purge himself of his feelings, leaving him numb. He preferred the numbness, it was safer. It kept him whole, when he felt like falling apart. He had to keep it together, for himself and for Remus. He felt responsible, somehow. As though he owed it to Remus to find him salvation from his demons, while he struggled to do the same for himself. Shaking his head, he exited the washroom, slowly trudging towards his dormitory. Upon arrival, he offered James and Peter a weary goodnight before climbing into the bed, falling into a light and troubled sleep.


	2. Perfect Picture of Bad Health

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sirius visits his healer and runs into his long-time fling, Evelyn Greengrass.

Sirius woke with a start, his calf muscles cramped. _Of course,_ he thought miserably to himself, _I’m dehydrated._ He lay still for several minutes, waiting for the sensation to pass. Satisfied, he sat up, swinging his legs to the side of the bed and placing his feet on the floor. He stood quickly, too quickly, he supposed, as he felt dizzy and his eyes had flashed to black momentarily. His vision cleared and he determined he was fine. “What time is it?” he muttered to himself, noting the other boys were still asleep.  
  
He fumbled through the top drawer of his nightstand, searching for his watch. It was 5:30am. _Too early to be up and about, really,_ he thought to himself as he paced before his bed. Still, he was up, and Sirius was aware that he was never able to fall back asleep once he woke. He entered the bathroom, locking the door and purposely avoiding the mirror. He showered, letting the water run hotter than normal. It felt good, the heat against his skin. Once sufficiently clean, he toweled off, again avoiding his reflection in the mirror. He tied his towel around his waist, gazing disgustedly down at his midsection. He returned to the room, pulling on yesterday’s jeans, a ragged t-shirt, and a loose fitting jumper. He was already feeling agitated and self-conscious, no need to draw more attention to his flaws with form-fitting clothes, he figured, feeling far more comfortable being covered up. Sirius grabbed several of his textbooks, and some loose parchment, and headed down to the common room. _May as well get some work done, since sleep is out of the question._  
  
By eight, Sirius has finished his Potions homework, his Charms readings, and had completed four inches of his Transfiguration essay. Neither of his friends had emerged from their dorm yet, which he was somewhat grateful for. The solitude had been nice. Gathering up his supplies, he trudged back up the stairs to his dorm to wake his friends. Once safely back in the dorm, Sirius tossed his books on his bed carelessly, turning to the matter at hand. James had always been a heavy sleeper, and hated being woken. Still, it was getting late, and he would certainly be cross with Sirius if he let him sleep through breakfast. Quietly, he approached James’ bed, hovering over him. Placing his hand on his shoulder, he shook his friend slightly.  
  
“Oi, James, time for breakfast!” he shouted loudly as he could muster this early in the morning.  
  
James’ eyes opened, a revealing a confused expression. “Hmm.. What?”  
  
“Time for brekkie. Let’s go. Get dressed.”  
  
The commotion had woken Peter, who was dragging himself out of bed, bleary-eyed. Sirius sat down on the edge of James’ bed, waiting for the two to get ready. He was feeling anxious, overly so. He didn’t particularly want to go down to breakfast, but he knew he must. He had to keep up appearances. Finally, the other two were dressed and the trio headed down to the Great Hall. They seated themselves at their usual end of the table, silent. Sirius filled his goblet with water, forgoing his usual morning juice. He watched as James mechanically fed himself bite after bite, lost in his own thoughts. He took a gulp of his water. He watched Peter shoveling food into his mouth, as per usual. He took another gulp of water. _Well, at least they’re too preoccupied to notice I’m not eating._ He finished his glass, then refilled. Two additional glasses of water later, Sirius felt satiated and his fellow Marauders had finished their meals. “Guess we better be getting to class... Double Potions today, yuck,” James moaned, making a face. Sirius nodded. They went upstairs to gather their things, then parted ways from Peter, who had long since dropped Potions. Together they trekked down to the dungeons, in silence. Only after they had taken their seats did it dawn on Sirius that his partner was absent. _Fuck._

* * *

After a hellish double Potions, Sirius and James emerged from the dungeons. “I can’t believe he stuck you with _Snivellus,_ how dreadful,” James laughed, slapping Sirius on the back.  
  
“Oh, believe me. It took every fiber of restraint I possess to resist hexing him, the greasy git.”  
  
“My my, it appears you must be growing up, finally,” Lily Evans commented, walking behind the boys.  
  
James grinned. “Ah, Lils. So what do you say, Hogsmede next weekend?”  
  
Lily rolled her eyes. “When are you going to give up, Potter?”  
  
“Never, my love. We’re meant to be, so why fight it?”  
  
Again, Lily rolled her eyes. “I’m glad to see you two weren’t torturing Severus today,” she commented, running her fingers through her silky copper locks.  
  
“What do you care? It’s not like you two are friends, anymore, after what happened last year,” Sirius scoffed.  
  
Lily stopped in her tracks, a vague semblance of hurt on her face. “Just because he isn’t my friend anymore doesn’t mean I don’t still care about him. It doesn’t make it right for you two to bully him the way you always have. Besides, two against one is hardly a fair fight, is it?”  
  
“Lils, drop it. We’re far too busy to bother with him as much now, anyway. Now, please, would you do me the honor of accompanying me to Hogsmeade? Please Lils, please?” James begged, offering Lily what he considered to be his most charming, irresistible grin.  
  
“Maybe,” she replied coyly, offering James a tiny smile.  
  
Sirius watched bemused as his best mate’s face lit up. “C’mon Jamie, let’s get a move on before you revert back to your usual ways and fuck this up,” he said, throwing his arm around James’ shoulders.  
  
“Can you believe it, Pads? I got a date with Lily! Lily fucking Evans! Finally!” James exclaimed, glowing with happiness.  
  
“I honest to goodness might die of shock. Never thought I’d live to see the day,” Sirius replied, mock-seriously.  
  
“Oh come on. Knew she’d have to give in eventually. How could she resist my charm and good looks?”  
  
“Of course, Prongs. C’mon. I’m sure you’re starving and want to eat.”  
  
James’ eyes widened immediately at the prospect of food. “Yes, yes, let’s hurry up to the Great Hall, yes. Food.”

* * *

Sirius and James joined Peter at their usual place, whereupon James began loudly proclaiming his love for Lily Evans, and rejoicing over their upcoming date, animatedly sharing all the details with Peter, and to a lesser extent, Sirius. Sirius again sipped at water. He allowed himself a small helping of lettuce, dry. _I’d kill for a seltzer,_ he thought to himself, pouring himself his fourth goblet of water. Calorie-free soda had always been one of his favorite things to use to ward off hunger, as the carbonation satiated his hunger by making him feel full. It was times like this, he thought sadly, that he almost missed home. Though Sirius despised his family, certainly, and was grateful to be away from them, he did miss the benefits that came to residing in London. Such close proximity to muggles had offered Sirius many opportunities to obtain items that helped him keep control over himself, over his weight and body. Like the seltzer water. _Or the amphetamines_ he thought fondly. That especially would be delightful to have a supply of. Sirius had first experimented with amphetamines when he was fifteen. He had loved the effect they had, making him feel like he was speeding, completely happy, and alone. Sirius drained his glass again, shakily refilling it from the the pitcher. If he could manage to get his hands on some amphetamines, Sirius would be quite pleased. Though he didn’t mind water-loading, as it certainly got the job done, Sirius did find it rather annoying that he had to urinate every twenty minutes.  
  
As lunch came to an end, Sirius was surprised when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He tensed, turning around to see his brother, Regulus. “What do you want?” Sirius muttered, feeling uneasy being this close to his brother. He knew what Reg had up and done; he was a Death Eater. He had sided with his parents, which made him as bad as the rest of the Slytherins and Voldemort’s followers.  
  
“Don’t mistake this for a social call or a friendly hello, Sirius. I’m only here to pass on a message from Mother. You have your yearly appointment at St. Mungo’s on Friday morning. Though you have chosen to associate with blood-traitors and mud-bloods, she still apparently feels the need to make sure you don’t drop dead from your own vanity and stupidity.”  
  
Satisfied that he had done his duty and given the message, Regulus turned on his heel and marched off, back towards his own house table. Sirius sighed, staring down at the remains of lettuce still on his plate. He hated St. Mungo’s, hated his stupid healer. But still, this offered him a unique opportunity; a chance to wander the streets of London unaccompanied. _This,_ Sirius thought happily, grinning, _is most satisfactory._

* * *

The remainder of the week passed dreadfully slowly for Sirius. He attended classes, visited Remus in the hospital wing, and spent time in the library, mostly to avoid meals. James and Pete, still reeling from Remus’ suicide attempt, were far too wrapped up in themselves and trying to process with what their apparently not-so stable friend was going through to notice Sirius’ absence, let alone police his eating habits. Friday morning rolled around, and Sirius woke early. He showered, throwing on the previous day’s clothes, then exited the dorm, to McGonagall’s office. Hesitantly, he knocked on her door. Hopefully she would be awake this early; his appointment wasn’t until 11am, and it was only 8, but Sirius had business to attend to before then. McGonagall opened the door, motioning for him to come in. “Professor, I erm-”  
  
“I am aware that you have an appointment in London, Sirius,” McGonagall interrupted.  
  
Sirius nodded, standing still, unsure of where she was going with this.  
  
“Have a seat, Sirius. I wanted a word with you. The portkey to St. Mungo’s isn’t going anywhere,” she said, motioned towards a chair, offering Sirius a rare smile.  
  
Sirius did as told, staring ahead. What on earth could she want? Had someone told her that he was skipping meals, or worse, had heard him vomiting? His heartbeat began to race, and he felt dizzy.  
  
“I know that this hasn’t been easy for you, Sirius. I have to admit I... I was worried that you would backtrack on your progress after our conversation earlier this week, and you haven’t. Given that you are age, I’m pleased that you are continuing your annual visits, and continuing to work on your recovery, without your parents forcing you to.”  
  
Sirius sat silently, at a loss for words.  
  
McGonagall coughed tentatively, this emotional outburst apparently awkward for her, as well. “Anyway, I hope that you will be able to help Remus through his own troubles. Potter and Pettigrew certainly mean well, but you and Remus have always seemed to be especially close, and considering your own.... issues, I would certainly think you could offer him the most guidance on navigating through his difficulties.”  
  
Sirius nodded. “Of course, professor. That’s certainly what I hope to do... I mean... I told him, y’know. About our meeting. How I can’t become an Auror because of my... problems. But that it would be okay, that he and I would be okay. I think that helped him, sort of. Made him feel less alone.”  
  
McGonagall beamed at him. “That was very courageous of you, Sirius, to share that with him. I know that it was hard enough on you yourself to deal with it, let alone to share that news with your friends. Now, I won’t hold you up any longer.”  
  
She placed an old shoe on the desk, nodding to him. Sirius grabbed it, and within seconds felt himself whirling through space, finally landing in a heap on the floor of St. Mungo’s entrance hall.

* * *

Sirius exited the building, finding himself in downtown London. He walked several blocks, until he reached the Leaky Cauldron. He offered a familiar nod to Tom the barman, exiting through the back, to get to Diagon Alley. Sirius lit a cigarette, in an attempt to calm his nerves. He inhaled deeply, ignoring the disapproving looks he garnered from passing-by wizards and witches. _Fuck em, let em stare,_ he thought to himself, slowly ambling up towards Gringotts. After visiting his vault, he returned to the bank counter, mustering up enough confidence to request a currency exchange to muggle money. The goblin eyed him curiously, but Sirius rolled his eyes and scoffed haughtily, offering the creature a traditional Black family ‘How dare you question me, just shut up and do it’ look. _Mum would be so proud,_ Sirius thought to himself, rolling his eyes again. Finally, muggle money pocketed away, Sirius turned on his heel and exited Gringotts, headed back into London.  
  
Once back in muggle London, Sirius wandered about, searching for the pharmacy he had visited regularly during his summer holidays. Finally, he found it. He entered the store, shoving his wand deeper into his coat pocket. No need to cause a scene and alarm anyone. He approached the pharmacy counter, trying his best to appear casual and relaxed. He relaxed further when he saw who was behind the counter; a cute, but boring blonde girl who fancied Sirius. This would be easier than he thought.  
  
“Hello, Clara,” Sirius greeted the girl, offering her his signature Sirius Black smile.  
  
The girl blushed slightly, rushing over to him. “Hello, Sirius. I haven’t seen you in quite some time... I thought maybe you’d moved,” she replied, offering him a smile.  
  
“Oh well, y’know... Uni and all. I’ve been away. But it’s good to see you,” he said, offering her another smile.  
  
“What brings you in today?”  
  
“Oh you know... I need some of those things... about a three month’s supply?” Sirius asked, still grinning, with his puppy-dog eyes he knew women found irresistible.  
  
“You know I could get in trouble... You really should have a-”  
  
“And I appreciate it, so so much Clara. Really, I do. I of course would pay you for your services, if you would be so kind as to help me out.”  
  
She shook her head, blushing. “Only for you, Siri.”  
  
He placed two ₤50 notes on the counter. He figured that would be a sufficient amount; muggle money confused him, and given his upbringing, money had never been an object to him to begin with. Clara pocketed the bills, then turned her back to Sirius, to put together his purchase. To pass the time, Sirius wandered the aisles of the small store, in search of other muggle items that might be of use to him. At the front register, he purchased two cartons of Benson  & Hedges, as well as several bottles of seltzer. He would conceal his purchases in his mokeskin pouch, once he was a safe distance from muggles. As he had always had a knack for charms, he had placed an undetectable extension charm on it, so he’d have plenty of room to store his contraband, and keep it from his friends. Sirius found this knowledge comforting. He returned to the pharmacy counter, where Clara was waiting. “Here you go, Siri... I guess I won’t be seeing you around for a little while, this means,” she said, pouting.  
  
Sirius shrugged. “I’ll be back around before you know it, Clara. Holidays coming up and all, ya know.”  
  
Sirius internally groaned. Two years ago, young and naive, he had given in to her desperate pleading for him to take her out, and he had shagged her, in the alleyway behind a local pub. Had he known that he could just as easily bribe her with cash to get his way, he never would have done so. Still, all she really seemed to require was a smile from him and some mild flirting, so that wasn’t so bad, he supposed. He bid her farewell, his pills and packages in hand, and exited the store. Once a safe distance, he removed his pouch from his jacket’s breast pocket, stored his purchases, and returned it. He glanced at his watch; 10:30. _Merlin, that took longer than I thought._ He walked the short distance back to St. Mungo’s and entered the building, this time actually approaching the front desk.  
  
“Can I help you?” a miserable looking witch asked him, looking up from her knitting.  
  
“Sirius Black... Here for an eleven o’clock with Healer Perkins,” Sirius said, attempting to smile.  
  
The witch eyed Sirius up and down, and Sirius shrunk away uncomfortably, knowing full-well what she was doing; eyeing him up and down, as she knew what Perkins’ specialty was, and therefore, why Sirius was there.  
  
“Third floor. Someone at the nurse’s station can direct you to what room you’ll be seen in.”

* * *

Sirius nodded and made great haste to get away from the woman. He entered the elevator nearest him, clicking on the third floor button. The elevator lurched upward, making Sirius’ stomach flip. He was getting anxious. Exiting the lift, Sirius approached the nurses’ station, his heart pounding.  
  
“Ahem... I’m um, Sirius Black. Here to see Healer Perkins,” he coughed, trying his best to sound casual.  
  
A young witch smiled at him, nodding. “Hello, Sirius. I’ll show you to room 3111, and we’ll get you set up, okay?”  
  
Sirius nodded. _Maybe this won’t be so bad,_ he thought to himself, following the young woman down the hall. She stopped in front of the room numbered 3111, gesturing for him to follow her inside. He took a seat on the examination table, waiting to see what would come next. He looked down at his hands, dreading what he was sure would come next.  
  
“So, Sirius. My name is Ariana, and I’m a healer in training. I’m going to be completing some of the preliminary work of your examination today, alright?”  
  
Sirius made eye contact with the woman, alarmed. This made him feel uncomfortable. This Ariana girl couldn’t be much older than he was, and that didn’t settle well with him. Still, it was no use to fight it. “Alright,” he muttered, feeling defeated.  
  
“Alright, well first we’re going to have to weigh you.”  
  
Sirius stood, and marched towards the scale, the hateful scale, which was located in the corner of the room.  
  
Ariana muttered something, her face turning a pale shade of pink.  
  
“Yes?” Sirius asked her, feeling slightly irritated. _Merlin, you’re supposed to be a bloody professional,_ he thought miserably. “Your file says that you need to be weighed... in just your underwear. No jeans, no jumper, no shoes.”  
  
Sirius rolled his eyes. “Very well,” he muttered, beginning to strip.  
  
_That’ll show her,_ he thought, pulling down his jeans and tossing them aside. _If she can’t act like a fucking normal person, I’ll make her feel as uncomfortable as she’s making me._  
  
Once down to just his skivvies, he stepped on the scale, turning to her. She quickly approached, moving the dials until the scale balanced.  
  
“8st 10,” she chirped happily, returning to her seat at the desk near the examination table.  
  
Sirius redressed, then returned to the table, again sitting down. Ariana took some blood-work and checked his temperature, then excused herself to drop off the blood-work. “Healer Perkins will be with you shortly,” she called over her shoulder as she exited the room, shutting the door behind her.  
  
Sirius was beginning to feel overly anxious. He hadn’t expected them to take blood-work. _Good thing I didn’t take any speed before I came in here,_ he thought to himself, looking down at the floor. Suddenly, Sirius heard a knock at the door, followed by it swinging open.  
  
“Good to see you again, Sirius,” Healer Perkins greeted him, smiling and striding towards the desk. “Let’s get started, shall we?”

* * *

“I’m going to complete a routine exam on you, alright Sirius?” Healer Perkins asked, approaching him.  
  
“Let’s get on with it, I suppose,” Sirius replied dully.  
  
“If you could remove your jumper and shirt, please.”  
  
Sirius stared for a moment, then did as requested.  
  
Quickly and efficiently, Healer Perkins performed a battery of tests. He took Sirius’ blood pressure, and checked his reflexes. He listened to his heart through a stethoscope. While checking Sirius’ throat, he made a tsk-ing noise and paused. He felt Sirius’ neck, applying pressure to his glands.  
  
“Your salivary glands are swollen, Sirius.”  
  
Sirius remained silent, offering the healer a _‘what do you want me to say?’_ shrug.  
  
Healer Perkins had Sirius lie down on the examination table, feeling his abdomen. He checked his skin and nails, as well as performed the routine male checkup.  
  
Once satisfied that nothing had been left undone, Healer Perkins spoke. “Alright, Sirius. I am going to go pick up the results from your lab-work, and then we’re going to have a little chat. You can go ahead and get dressed again, then meet me in my office, next door. Okay?”  
  
Sirius nodded. He waited for Healer Perkins to leave the room, then pulled his shirts back on. He was anxious to hear the results. Obviously, Perkins was aware that he was purging again. That was all too apparent. But what else would he say? Feeling his body dragged down by dread, Sirius pushed himself to his feet and exited the exam room, trudging next door to the Healer’s office. It was quite nice, Sirius considered, looking around. A lovely mahogany desk, silk wallpaper, decorated with several framed certificates. Several minutes passed, with Sirius curiously observing his surroundings. He attempted to appreciate the quietness of this time, the calm before the storm. Sirius turned his head as he heard the door opening. Healer Perkins closed the door, gracefully seating himself behind his desk. “How have you been feeling, Sirius?” he asked, his eyes locking with Sirius’.  
  
“Um, alright I guess.”  
  
“How would you describe your eating patterns?”  
  
Sirius glowered. “Well, I’m eating. Obviously you can see that. I gained weight.”  
  
“How do you feel about that?”  
  
Sirius squirmed in his chair, unsure how to respond. “Okay, I guess.”  
  
“What do you mean by that?”  
  
“I dunno. I mean, that’s normal, right? I’m supposed to be gaining weight. It’s normal.”  
  
“You’re purging,” Healer Perkins stated. He wasn’t questioning, he already knew.  
  
Sirius remained silent, staring.  
  
“Would you say that you’re depressed?” Perkins asked.  
  
Sirius shrugged.  
  
Healer Perkins sighed. “Are you going to answer me at all, Sirius?”  
  
Sirius shrugged again. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”  
  
“I can’t help you if you won’t talk to me, Sirius.”  
  
“Nothing can help me,” Sirius muttered, more so to himself than to Perkins.  
  
“What makes you say that?”  
  
“Nothing. I’m fine. I only purged a few times because I was stressed out that my bloody best friend tried to kill himself. Okay?”  
  
“You’re worried about your friend.”  
  
“Yeah, I am.”  
  
“Shall we discuss the results of your exam?”  
  
“Go on with it, I s’pose.”  
  
“As you noted, your weight has gone up. You’re still underweight, but you’re doing better in that regard.”  
  
Sirius nodded.  
  
“Did you start purging again because of the weight gain, or is the gain a result of binging and purging?” Perkins asked, nonplussed by Sirius’ non-responses.  
  
“I was good for a while. I don’t know. I was just... Eating and trying to be normal and not thinking about it. But I weighed myself and then Remus tried to kill himself and... fuck. I just. I slipped. I’m sorry. I’m working on it. I don’t know. When will it stop being so bloody hard?”  
  
“Sirius, your salivary glands are swollen. Your esophagus is inflamed. Your blood pressure is low to begin with, and bottoms out when you stand. Your blood-work suggests that you’re malnourished and have a serious electrolyte imbalance. To say I’m concerned would be an understatement.”  
  
Sirius shrugged.  
  
“How frequently are you purging?”  
  
Again, Sirius shrugged in response.  
  
“I’m concerned that you are falling into bulimic patterns in an attempt to make up for what you feel to be a lack of control in other areas of your life.”  
  
“Oh, am I too fat now to qualify as anorectic?” Sirius sneered, suddenly angry. Up until now, he had attempted to keep his calm. However, he drew the line at being called bulimic. Yes, he purged when he felt he had eaten too much, needed to rid himself of the food, of the guilt. But he wasn’t bulimic. Bulimia was for losers, for failures who didn’t have the willpower or discipline to starve, to restrict.  
  
“I see I struck a nerve, there,” Perkins noted, writing something down on the pad in front of him.  
  
Sirius glowered at him, wishing that this meeting were over, already.  
  
“You are seventeen now, Sirius, of age. No one can force you to seek treatment, or make your decisions for you. Based on what I’ve seen today, you’re on a slippery slope. You need to recognize that these behaviors are self-destructive, and will kill you. No, I’m not saying might, Sirius. They _will._ Maybe not right away, but over time. I saw slight esophageal tearing, which we will need to follow up on. Seeing as you are still uncomfortable with your current weight, I’d like to ask that you at least work on maintaining it, until our next visit. I’m going to recommend that you visit a therapist. I would like to see you again in three months, does that work for you?”  
  
Sirius stared, at a loss for words. “Why three months?”  
  
“Given that you appear to be embracing certain behaviors that you haven’t exhibited since you were hospitalized, I feel that you are in the midst of a relapse, and more extensive care needs to be provided.”  
  
“Alright, that’s fine. You’re not going to report this to anyone, right?”  
  
“No, Sirius. You are legally an adult. I am not able to share your medical information with your parents or anyone else, except in a professional capacity.”  
  
“Fine. I’ll see you in January, then.”  
  
“Take care of yourself, Sirius,” Healer Perkins said quietly as Sirius stormed out of the room.

* * *

He stalked down the hallway, angrily slamming the down button for the elevator. He paced slightly, cursing the damned elevator for taking so long.  
  
“Sirius Orion Black,” a female voice called out, from a slight distance.  
  
Sirius turned around, searching for the source of the voice. His gaze fell on an alarmingly thin blonde women, her long hair cascading down her bony shoulders. “Evelyn,” Sirius said quietly, recognizing her.  
  
“So good to see you, darling,” she cooed, pulling Sirius into an embrace just as the elevator dinged and the doors opened.  
  
“Going down?” Sirius asked her, stepping into the lift.  
  
“Now I am,” she said agreeably, joining him.  
  
As the doors shut before them, Evelyn grabbed Sirius’ face with one hand, squeezing his cheeks. “Oh, honey. Don’t tell me you’ve gone bulimic on me.”  
  
Sirius made a face, shaking her off of him. “What makes you say that?”  
  
“Your cheeks are swollen, love. Obvious sign of purging. Are you daft, showing up for your annual looking like that?”  
  
Sirius shrugged. “I’m seventeen now. Nothing they can do about it without my consent.”  
  
“What are you doing here, anyway Evie? You’re nineteen. Surely your parent’s aren’t still forcing you to-”  
  
“Of course they are, Sirius. Have to keep up appearances, don’t we? I keep showing up and going through the motions of treatment, and that excuses me from the unpleasantness of an arranged marriage, for the time being,” Evelyn sighed, rolling her eyes.  
  
The elevator reached the first floor and the pair exited. “So,” she said, making eye contact with him.  
  
“So.”  
  
“My folks are out of town. Fancy a shag before you head back to your ickle school?” Evelyn suggested, smirking at him.  
  
Sirius nodded, his cheeks slightly flushed. He had known Evelyn for years, indirectly. Her family was pure-blooded, and they ran in the same social circles as his own. He hadn’t really come to know her until he was fourteen, doing a stint of hospitalization for his eating disorder. She had been sixteen and gorgeous, and he, fourteen, impressionable, and the only male available to her whims. She had taken his virginity during their time in inpatient treatment, in a broom closet. Somehow, even now, she had a way of making Sirius feel like a bloody child. 

* * *

Sirius followed Evelyn back to her family’s townhouse, not far from his own family’s home, he noted. Once safely inside, he pulled his pills from his pocket, dry-swallowing four. Evelyn was curled up on a love seat, crystal tumbler in hand, gazing down at the firewhiskey she was swirling around. Boldly, Sirius approached her, squeezing her face with one hand and pulling her into a kiss. Evelyn put down her glass, grabbing Sirius’ arm and dragging him upstairs. Once in her bedroom, Sirius grabbed her, pulling her close into an embrace. He took a long whiff of her scent, gently kissing her neck, while his hands explored her figure. He enjoyed Evelyn’s body, the familiarity of it. The female figure didn’t do much for Sirius, generally speaking. Most girls were all curves and softness, which made him uncomfortable. Sirius preferred sharp angles and jutting bones, which Evelyn embodied. As Evelyn bit his shoulder, Sirius felt himself stiffen, his jeans growing tighter. Quickly he stripped, watching as Evelyn undressed. She pulled off her gray woolen dress, revealing only black stockings and garter belt, nothing else. Grabbing at her throat, Sirius pushed Evelyn forward, so that she fell onto her bed, lying on her back. She raised her legs up, resting them on Sirius’ shoulders as he swiftly entered her.  
  
“Oh yeah, fuck!” she screamed, writhing around.  
  
Sirius pumped into her, enjoying the temporary escape from his mind, his thoughts.  
  
After several minutes, Evelyn pulled away from him, rolling over so that she was lying on her stomach. “Take me from behind, Siri. Give it to me hard. I’ve been so _bad..._ I need to be punished.”  
  
Not needing to be told twice, Sirius lunged onto the bed, kneeling and entering her again. Wrapping one arm around her waist, he held her close to his chest as he thrust into her, again, and again, and again, until both she and he were screaming, lost in the moment.  
  
“God Sirius, fuck me harder,” Evelyn screamed, as Sirius’ hands found their way around her throat.  
  
“Shut. The. Fuck. UP.” Sirius shouted back, punctuating each word with a hard thrust.  
  
At last he came, not bothering to pull out. He had been having sex with Evelyn on and off since he was fourteen, after all and she’d never said anything to him before about needing to pull out or whatever, so why bother? Sirius lay on his back next to Evelyn, breathing heavily, his mind clear and hazy for the first time in what felt like forever. _So nice, so peaceful,_ he thought to himself, glancing over at Evelyn. _She’s exquisite._ Sirius licked his lips, admiring the jutting hipbones, her gorgeous collar bones, her prominent sternum. She was paper thin, lovely. A goddess. “You’re so thin,” Sirius said enviably, unable to stop himself.  
  
“I suppose,” she said sullenly, suddenly sitting up. She wrapped her arms around herself, pulling her knees to her chest.  
  
“Do you think I’m fat?” Sirius asked her, his cheeks burning from embarrassment.  
  
Evelyn shrugged. “You’re a boy. You’re not fat. You’ve just... gained weight since I last saw you. You know I like bone. I don’t know.”  
  
“I have speed.”  
  
Evelyn’s eyes lit up. “Where did you get it? Can I have some?”  
  
Sirius smirked. “I have my sources... I s’pose I could share... if you’d be willing to help me.”  
  
“What could I possibly help you with?”  
  
“Supplying me with more amphetamines when I run out at school.”  
  
“Oh Merlin, you want me to owl you pills?”  
  
“I think I love you.”  
  
“Shut up. You’re just saying that because you have bone envy and I’m the first girl you ever fucked. Probably, the only one, if my suspicions are right.”  
  
“What do you mean by that?” Sirius asked angrily.  
  
“Nothing,” Evelyn snapped. “Just go, already. I have plans for this evening.”  
  
“Will you help me out?”  
  
Evelyn shrugged, noncommittally. “I guess.”  
  
“Please, Evie. Don’t I always help you out?” Sirius questioned, pleadingly. After all, he had. When they had both attended Hogwarts together, her final year, he had always been there to provide his ‘services’ when she was bored or stressed out, or needed to feel powerful. During summer holidays in London, they had spent most of their time together, thereby creating an alibi of where they were, safe to tell their respective families that they had eaten earlier, that they were going to eat when they went out later. He had hidden her stash of amphetamines when her parents grew suspicious of her habits, and she didn’t feel safe keeping them at home, anymore.  
  
Finally, Evelyn nodded. “I suppose you always have been my biggest supporter, Sirius. I suppose I owe you. We’re both in this,” she motioned vaguely at both herself and him, “together, until death, I suppose.” She laughed bitterly, resting her head on her knees.  
  
“You should go,” she whispered quietly, gentler this time.  
  
“Are you okay?” Sirius questioned.  
“Yeah, I just... I want to be alone,” she muttered, letting her hair fan out, covering her face.  
  
Sirius watched her as he redressed. He placed a bottle of the amphetamines on the bed next to her, her share. As he turned, preparing to apparate to Hogsmeade, he saw the tears trickling down Evelyn’s cheeks, and knew, really knew what was behind her sudden angry outburst towards him. Still, what was he to do? After a moment of darkness, Sirius found himself in the streets of Hogsmeade. Sullenly, he trudged towards Honeydukes, electing to take the secret passageway back to school. After all, it had been a long day, and suddenly Sirius felt so impossibly tired. 


	3. It's a Battle You Can't Win

Sirius returned to the dorms, feeling exhausted. It was only quarter after three, but he felt completely drained. He felt grateful that the room was empty, allowing him some quiet to rest, and process the day’s events. Sprawled out on his bed, Sirius stared up at the ceiling. He was aware of the severity of his healer’s words and warnings, yet somehow, he couldn’t bring himself to care. _So what? Nothing really matters, anyway._ It slowly dawned on Sirius that he smelled of sex. “Ugh, better shower,” he muttered, closing his eyes for a moment. Gathering his strength, he got up and dragged himself to the bathroom, setting locking and silencing spells. Sirius started the shower, waiting for the water to warm up. He glanced at his reflection in the mirror; his hair was in disarray, the black circles under his eyes even worse than the day before. Still, he felt empty, and that made everything else tolerable. He stripped and got into the shower, enjoying the hot water against his skin. Lathering up soap, he washed himself, ridding himself of the primal scent of sex, of her. Sirius’ thoughts drifted to Evelyn. Somehow, he couldn’t help but feel as though he had been used. _Though really, it’s mutual usury._ After all, hadn’t he been doing the same thing as she was, using her as a distraction, to get himself out of his own head for a short while? Still, her crying bothered him. Two years his senior, she had been doing this even longer than he had. And she was perfect, whereas he was not. _Women._ Women were too difficult for Sirius to understand, too complicated. “Never mind the fact that I’m way too self-involved with my own body issues to deal with some sodding girl’s,” Sirius muttered to himself, rinsing shampoo from his hair. Feeling clean and refreshed, Sirius wrapped himself in a towel, returning to the dorm. The hot water had exacerbated his fatigue, and he decided to take a nap. He pulled on a pair of boxers, discarding his towel on the floor, then crawled into bed, where he promptly fell asleep.

* * *

“Oi, Sirius, it’s time for dinner,” James announced loudly, shaking Sirius awake.  
  
“Mmm... Tired. Let me sleep,” Sirius mumbled, pulling his covers over his head, curling his body into a ball. His head was pounding and he felt nauseated and James’ bloodcurdling yelling wasn’t helping matters.  
  
“C’mon, Pads. You’ve been gone all day. And I need you to help me plan out my romantic date with Lils, for tomorrow.”  
  
“No.”  
  
James smacked Sirius’ arm. “What’s wrong with you?” he asked, accusingly.  
  
“Nothing, I’m just tired.”  
  
“Something bad happened in your appointment, didn’t it? Is that why you’re avoiding us?”  
  
Sirius rolled his eyes. “No James, it was fine,” Sirius lied, sitting up.  
  
“I’ll come to bloody dinner if you’ll just shut up,” he continued, getting out of bed. Sirius threw on the closest articles of clothing he could find, indifferent as to whether the garments matched or not. He followed his two friends to the Great Hall, where they took their usual spots. While James was distracted talking to Lily, Sirius reached into his pocket, carefully pouring four pills out of the container into his palm. He dry-swallowed them, then reached for the water pitcher. He poured himself a glass, then took a long sip. The cool water felt good against his throat. _Guess ol’ Perkins was right about one thing, my throat is inflamed._ Sirius helped himself to a serving of lettuce and began picking at it, lost in his own thoughts.  
  
“So how did your appointment go, Pads?” Peter asked, looking over at him.  
  
“Oh, you know. Fine,” Sirius said shortly, stabbing at his lettuce.  
  
“Well, what’d he say?” James prompted, joining in on the conversation.  
  
“I’ve gained a little over a stone since last year’s visit. So... that’s good. I guess,” Sirius replied, shrugging.  
  
James grinned at his friend. “You’re doing okay, mate. Just have to stay on track. Very good,” he said happily, relieved that his friend was apparently doing better.  
  
Sirius grinned back, pleased that this confession of sorts had appeased his friend and would keep him off his back, for the time being.  
  
“So why exactly did you come back and pass right out?” James questioned, in between mouthfuls of his dinner.  
  
Sirius smirked. “I had a rather exhausting afternoon with Evelyn Greengrass, if you know what I mean,” he replied, shooting his friend a knowing grin.  
  
“Did you give her the time?” James asked, raising his eyebrows suggestively.  
  
Sirius continued to smirk.  
  
“Nice! I didn’t know you had... I mean she’s... she graduated two years ago, didn’t she?” James asked, gazing at his friend admirably.  
  
Sirius shrugged. “Yeah.”  
  
“Nice one, mate. So is she your girlfriend, or?”  
  
“No way. We just, y’know... hook up every now and again, no big deal,” Sirius scoffed, taking a sip of his water.  
  
“Well I mean, she’s really pretty. Wouldn’t you like to date her?” Peter asked.  
  
Again, Sirius shrugged. “Eh. I dunno. I don’t think I’m the relationship type,” he replied, beginning to regret mentioning his liaisons from that afternoon to his friends.  
  
“Not me,” James replied, staring across the table towards Lily. “I’m going to make Lils fall for me on our date tomorrow. Just wait; come Monday, she’ll be mine.”  
  
“Good luck with that one, mate,” Sirius snorted, rolling his eyes at his friend.  
  
“C’mon, now. What should I do for our spectacular date tomorrow, Pads?”  
  
“Give her the time?” Sirius suggested, raising his eyebrows.  
  
“Slag off!” James yelled, throwing a piece of bread at his friend. “Come on. You’ve gotten a girl to sleep with you, you must have some idea of how to sweep a girl off her feet.”  
  
“James, I don’t date girls. I just shag them. Sorry.”  
  
“You could take her to the pub. Have a few butterbeers, then a stroll about town. That’d be nice,” Peter suggested, trying to be helpful.  
  
“You two blokes are the fucking worst help ever,” James whined, rubbing his temples gently.

* * *

Once dinner was over, Sirius hurriedly excused himself, wanting to distance himself from his friends. His stomach was roiling, and he needed to hurry to the washroom before he vomited on himself. Not bothering to lock the door, Sirius flung himself into a stall, dropped to his knees and hovered over the bowl, his stomach emptying itself. _This,_ he thought miserably, _is one of the more unfortunate side effects of routine purging_. Sirius was well aware that routine purging had rewired his body to immediately reject anything he ingested. _Helpful,_ he supposed, _but still annoying._ He remained on the floor for several minutes, his heart pounding in his chest, his throat aching. He felt slightly dizzy, his vision spotty, but knew the feeling would pass. Once he felt more stable, he stood, walking to the sink and washing his hands. He wiped his mouth with his sleeve, wrinkling his nose at the smell of sick on his jumper.  
  
That taken care of, Sirius decided to visit Remus. He made the trek up to the hospital wing, where he found Remus out of bed, sitting in a chair by the windows. “Hey Rem,” Sirius greeted his friend, taking a seat next to him.  
  
“Hi,” Remus replied, looking up at Sirius.  
  
“How are you feeling?”  
  
“Terrible. But I’m working on it,” Remus replied, shrugging.  
  
“How’d your appointment at St. Mungo’s go?” he asked, looking at Sirius curiously.  
  
Sirius shrugged. “Okay, I s’pose. I’m up a stone and one pound.”  
  
“How do you feel about that?”  
  
“Christ Moony, what are you, my therapist?”  
  
Remus rolled his eyes. “Yes, Sirius, obviously. I’ll have to add that to my resume; Remus John Lupin, suicidal werewolf and therapist to Sirius Black.”  
  
“But really though, Sirius, are you okay?” Remus asked him, his eyes shimmering with concern.  
  
Sirius shrugged. “Yeah, sure. I mean I’m still ravishingly handsome so who cares if I gained fifteen pounds, right?” he replied jokingly, hoping Remus would buy into him laughing it off.  
  
“Sirius Orion Black, you know that you’re a terrible liar, right?”  
  
Sirius shrugged. “Oh come on, Moons. That’s not true. You just know me better than most. You can see through some of my... things.”  
  
“Anyway, what about you? When can you get out of here?” Sirius asked, anxious to change the subject.  
  
“Madam Pomfrey said I can come back to the dorm on Sunday... I don’t know if I can do this, Pads,” he said quietly, staring down at his still-bandaged arms.  
  
“Of course you can, Moony. You’ll be okay. You’re going to get through this.”  
  
“I have to see a therapist. Like that’s going to help anything,” Moony muttered, laughing.  
  
“It won’t be so bad, Rem. I... I used to have to go. It wasn’t too bad. Like, it’s lame and all. But sometimes it can help to have someone to listen to you.”  
  
“But that’s what I have you for,” Remus replied, staring intently at Sirius.  
  
“I’m always here to listen, Rem. You know that. I can’t force you to go see the therapist, but still...”  
  
“Just like I can’t force you to stop throwing up everything you eat. So I guess that makes us even,” Remus remarked, crossing his arms.  
  
“I’m not-”  
  
“Don’t lie to me, Sirius.”  
  
“Just drop it, Remus. I don’t want to talk about this.”  
  
“Can you just try for me, Sirius? Try and take care of yourself?”  
  
Sirius frowned. How many times had he been told that today? He was growing aggravated, but he couldn’t snap at Remus.  
  
Smiling, he nodded at Remus. “I’m trying Moony. Really, I am. It’s hard but... I’m trying.”  
  
Remus nodded in approval. “Good. If you’ll try, I’ll try to keep on carrying on,” he replied, sighing heavily.  
  
“Thanks Remus,” Sirius said, smiling at his friend. He felt slightly guilty, lying to his friend, but he had no other choice. He didn’t want to hurt his friend, to make him worry. Especially given his current fragile mental state. No, this was Sirius’ burden to bear. He would carry on his facade that all was well, for the benefit of his friends, but continue to, as he had always done, do what he pleased. _I just need to get back control, then I’ll be fine. Everything will be okay._

* * *

Remus was released from the hospital wing and life carried on. The four Marauders picked up where they left off, not speaking of Remus’ hospitalization or Sirius’ appointment at St. Mungo’s. That is how they are, how they always have been; whenever there is an incident of unpleasantness, it’s dealt with and then forgotten, tossed aside like a Kleenex. Sirius found this way of coping most agreeable; he didn’t like to dwell on things. It made it easier for him to carry on doing as he wished, without the others digging their noses into his business. At first, Sirius tried. He tried to eat normally, tried to limit his purging, if only for Moony’s sake. But as always with things in Sirius’ life, he just couldn’t quit it. It started slowly, a skipped meal here, a quick stop in the loo to toss up lunch before his next class. Come October, Sirius had begun to skip breakfast all together, instead electing to sleep in, only waking once he was certain his friends were heading down to eat. At lunch he alternated between two tactics: talking incessantly, distracting his friends from his meager portions which he proceeded to move around on his plate, never eating a bite, and skipping lunch, claiming to need to finish an essay or some reading or a homework assignment, promising to pop in and grab a bite as soon as he was finished. For the most part, his friends were agreeable with his behavior. After all, he seemed okay. He was smiling, confident, funny Sirius. To them, he appeared happy and healthy and whole, so why should they question his behavior? Dinner was still a challenge. Sirius would spend the dinner hour carefully scrutinizing his options, before inevitably minimally filling his plate with lettuce and whatever he determined was low enough in calories to be safe. He’d move his food around on his plate, talking and avoiding taking a bite unless one of his friends eyed him suspiciously. Following dinner, he’d either rush up to the dorm to take a shower and vomit, or disappear in the chaos of the entire school exiting the Great Hall to sprint up the stairs to the third floor bathroom to rid himself of his dinner. Either way, Sirius was ensuring that he was ingesting a minimal amount of calories. After all, he needed to gain back control, over himself, his body, and through that, some semblance of his life.

* * *

It was the last week of October. Sirius woke with a start, his heart racing. He grabbed for his watch from his nightstand; 5am. “Fuck,” he muttered to himself, squeezing his eyes shut.  
  
Sirius was having trouble sleeping. Rather, he wasn’t sleeping much at all. Coffee and the frantic energy of starving kept Sirius wired for most of the day, leaving him a jittery mess, at least internally. _Not to mention the speed._ It had been perhaps a month since he had visited London, and already Sirius had nearly depleted his supply of amphetamines. Gradually, Sirius had graduated from taking three or four pills twice a day, to a handful, to his current habit of snorting several every six hours or so. As he lay in bed, Sirius’ right hand wandered down to his waist. He stroked his hipbone, relishing in how sharp it felt. He loved the feeling of bone. Recognizing that sleep was futile at this point, Sirius pushed himself up, getting out of bed. He winched slightly as his knees cracked. He ached, everywhere. James had forced him into accepting his old position as a chaser on the Gryffindor quidditch team, and practices had been constant as of late. Cracking his neck, Sirius grabbed his mokeskin pouch, lazily wandering towards the bathroom. He closed the door, setting locking and silencing spells. He undressed, standing before the mirror. It wasn’t apparent when he was dressed, but naked, Sirius could see he had lost weight. His stomach was taut, his hipbones jutting forward, creating a small indent in his middle between the two. Sirius liked that. He stroked his hipbones fondly, continuing to inspect himself. His arms were again more defined, thanks to constant quidditch practices. His collar bones were more prominent, once again, and his sternum was just beginning to become more visible beneath his skin. This pleased Sirius to no end. Hipbones and collarbones were all good and well, but to Sirius, the true marker of being in control, of perfection, was the visibility of the sternum. He lightly stroked his sternum, feeling a tingly sensation as he traced the visible bones. Satisfied with his progress, Sirius turned to the shower, setting the water on hot. Once steam began to permeate the room, he stepped in, relishing in the pain of the hot water against his skin. He breathed in heavily, the steam easing the pain in his chest, which seemed to be a constant thing as of late. His head ached, but Sirius was used to that. He had had a headache every day of his life for as long as he could remember.  
  
Once clean, he exited the shower, drying off and wrapping his towel securely around his waist. He grabbed his mokeskin pouch, pulling out a bottle of pills, a piece of parchment, a galleon, and a straw. Methodically, he placed the parchment on the bathroom counter. He opened the pill container, dumping three pills out and placing them on the parchment. He folded the parchment in half, then crushed the pills, using the galleon. Using a single blade razor kept stored in his toiletries kit, he divided the powder into three straight lines. Hovering the straw over the first line, one end in his right nostril, his finger pressed against his left, he inhaled. He closed his eyes, enjoying the rush of adrenaline coursing through his veins. He hovered over the next line and again, inhaled, followed by the third. Breathing in deeply through his nose, smiling as he began to feel the familiar rush, tasting the familiar acidic drip in the back of his throat. At the sink, he quickly splashed cold water on his face, then, shaking his head, returned to the dorm, ready to face the day.

* * *

“You were in the bathroom quite a long time.”

Moony was awake, sitting up in bed. Sirius shrugged, sauntering over to his bed to rummage through his trunk for a change of clothes. Quickly pulling on a pair of black pants, he tossed his towel aside, remaining bare chested for the moment.

“Took a long shower. It was relaxing... I couldn’t sleep.”

“You don’t sleep at all, anymore.”

Sirius frowned. “I sleep,” he said defensively.

“Sure,” Moony agreed, disbelievingly. He was aware that Sirius was full of shit, but was not ready to pick a fight about it.

“What’re you doing up so early, anyway?” Sirius questioned.

“Full moon tonight,” Remus replied, shrugging.

“Oh, shit. Right,” Sirius replied.

“You’ll be joining me, right?” Remus asked.

“Of course, Moony. Where else would I be?” Sirius asked, looking hurt.

Sirius felt guiltily that he had forgotten it was the full moon tonight. Glancing at Remus, he saw all too well that it was taking a toll on him. Moony looked pale and sickly, obviously in pain. Actually, he had been that way all week, as he oft was the week before the full moon. _Too busy puking your guts up every free second you get to worry about your friends_ , Sirius thought angrily to himself, feeling guiltier by the second.

“You okay, Siri?”

Sirius shrugged. “Yeah, I’m okay. Are you? Do you want me to take notes for you in class, so you can stay and lie in?”

Remus snorted. “Sirius. The very thought of you paying attention in, or taking notes during classes is preposterous.”

“And why is that?”

“Because,” Remus said calmly, “you don’t have to pay attention. You’re just like... Annoyingly naturally talented. Everything comes so easily to you. You just see it and like that, you have it down pat,” he finished, snapping his fingers for effect.

“You’re way brighter than I am,” Sirius mumbled softly, sitting down at the foot of Moony’s bed.

“I... I do have to study and practice spells and stuff. I just... I don’t like to let people know. I want people to think that I’m... I’m...” Sirius trailed off, gazing at the floor.

“You don’t have to be perfect, Sirius,” Remus said lightly, touching his shoulder.

Sirius shrugged. “I want to be, though.”

“You put too much pressure on yourself. Don’t you know that you’re pretty great as you are?”

Sirius shook his head violently. “You’re just saying that, Moony. I’m not enough. Nothing is ever enough. I’m just used to it.... How have you been feeling?” he asked suddenly, anxious to change the subject.

Remus shrugged in response. “I’m fine I guess.”

“You’ve seemed really busy with studying and stuff,” Sirius noted, eyeing his friend.

Again, Remus shrugged, staring down at his bedspread.

“You don’t need to study so hard, Remus,” Sirius said quietly.

“I guess you’re right... Why bother? Not like I’ll be able to even find work once I’m out of here,” Remus said sharply, laughing bitterly.

“Don’t be like that, Moony.”

“What do you want me to say, Pads? I’m bloody fucking miserable. I’m throwing myself into my studies because I need something to do to kill some time in between suicide attempts.”

“That’s not funny. Don’t say that,” Sirius said quietly, anger bubbling inside his chest.

“Don’t patronize me, Sirius. What, are you upset because I’m cutting into your _thing?_ I know self-destructiveness has always been your forte.”

Sirius froze up, feeling as if he’d been struck. “Fuck you, Remus,” Sirius spat, standing up. Grabbing a jumper from the foot of his bed, he pulled it on, grabbing his trainers and stalking out of the room. _Fuck Moony. Fuck everyone._ He had been trying, trying to reign in his behaviors, if only for Remus’ sake. Because Remus was fragile, needed to be taken into consideration. But if that was how he was going to act, throw things in Sirius’ face, mocking him, then to hell with him. To hell with everyone. _Is that what he thinks, what they all think?_ He ignored the sound of his friends calling his name, stomping out of Gryffindor tower, down the stairs. If he and his issues were such a fucking joke, he would show him. He was done considering their feelings, holding back for their sake. They had no idea how self-destructive Sirius could be. But they would see. Oh, they would see.


	4. I'm on a Roll, No Self-Control

Sirius elected to skip classes the rest of the day. He was too heated to face anyone, especially Remus. Instead, he hid out in the Room of Requirement, working on an essay for Potions. Once that was finished, he decided to take a nap. In his rush to avoid his friends earlier that morning, he had forgotten to grab his pouch, and therefore, was going on eight hours without the help of his pills to keep him up and going. Curled up on the plush couch he had been sitting on all day, he dozed off into a peaceful sleep.  
  
“Sirius, wake up,” a voice said softly, it’s owner shaking Sirius awake.  
  
Sirius blinked his eyes repeatedly, trying to come out of the slumberous stupor he had fallen into.   
  
“Hmmm, whaa?” he mumbled, wiping sleep from his eyes.  
  
“I’m sorry about this morning,” Remus said softly, a regretful look in his eyes.  
  
“It’s fine, I don’t care,” Sirius scoffed, shrugging the apology off.  
  
“No, really. That was wrong of me. I shouldn’t have said that, and I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say that, to... _trivialize_ your struggles. Fuck, Siri. That was so cruel of me and I’m sorry.”  
  
Remus looked as though he was about to cry, and it sort of was breaking Sirius’ heart.  
  
“It wasn’t you, Moony. It was the wolf. I know, and it’s okay.”  
  
Sirius couldn’t help but cave; he hated fighting with any of his friends, especially Remus. And really, it would be awful of him to refuse his apology right before the full moon. He needed to be there for his friend, make his transformation go as smoothly as possible.  
  
“Dinner’s already started,” Remus noted, sitting down on the couch next to Sirius.  
  
“I’m not hungry,” Sirius replied, staring down at his feet.  
  
“You haven’t eaten a thing all day, I bet.”  
  
“Remus, can we not do this right now?” Sirius sighed, exasperated.  
  
“Do you even get hungry, anymore?” Remus asked. His tone was different now. He was curious, not accusing.   
  
Sirius shrugged. “It’s hard to explain. Sometimes, I do. It sort of comes and goes. I can be hungry, but if I wait a bit, the feeling passes. It’s not like... It’s not like normal people, I guess. I don’t have those regular hunger cues. Or at least, I can’t recognize them anymore,” he said, struggling to find words to explain, to make Remus understand.  
  
“You should really try to eat something, Pads. We’ve got a long night ahead of us.”  
  
Sirius stared ahead, in a daze. The very thought of food turned his stomach.   
  
“Fine. Let’s just go, I guess,” he agreed finally. It was easier to just go with the flow. Sit at the dinner and appease everyone, force something down his throat, then throw it back up in privacy.  
  
Remus smiled encouragingly at him, rising to his feet. Sirius followed suit, letting his friend lead the way while he dragged his feet, downstairs to the Great Hall, to his great but oftentimes overbearing friends, to the hateful food. _Ugh._

* * *

It was dawn, and Sirius half walking, half being carried by James from the school grounds back to the castle. It had been an excellent full moon, as the four marauders had romped about the Forbidden Forest, having great fun. However, the adventure had ended on a slightly bitter note, as the wolf, aggravated by Sirius’ animagi form trying to reign him in and head back to the entrance to the shrieking shack, had attacked Sirius, slashing him up quite badly. Sirius, stubborn to the end, had carried on, biting at the wolf, and, assisted by James, forcing him into submission, leading the way back to the shrieking shack. Once safely back inside, the wolf had calmed down some, retreating to a corner. Sirius had licked at his wounds, willing himself to ignore the pain. Once sunrise came, and Remus had transformed back into his human form, the three remaining marauders had retreated from the shack, before Madam Pomfrey or anyone else showed up and caught them. Once safely back in their dorm room, Sirius collapsed onto his bed, face-first. He breathed through his mouth, noting how shallow his breathing was. He was exhausted, and pain radiated from his rib cage. The wolf had torn at his side, leaving what Sirius assumed were several long gashes from his shoulder to his waist, on his left side.  
  
“You okay, mate?” James asked, peering over him.  
  
Sirius turned his head slightly, to make eye contact with him. “It just hurts. And I’m tired,” he sighed, squeezing his eyes shut.  
  
“Lils is great with healing spells. I can grab her, ask her to clean you up some,” James suggested.  
  
“And what do you propose we tell her, when she asks how I got these cuts?” Sirius asks bitterly, rolling over onto his non-injured side.  
  
James bites his lip nervously, a deer-caught-in-headlights expression upon his face.  
  
“You told her?” Sirius asked accusingly, furious.  
  
“Erm... well... she already knew and I just.. confirmed that we all can... y’know...” he trailed off, obviously uncomfortable.  
  
“So she knows we can transform?” Sirius shouted incredulously. “Jesus fucking Christ, Prongs. One date with the broad and you go spilling all of our Marauder secrets?”  
  
“She already knew, Pads. She’s friends with Moony, you know. He confided in her. And... She’s my girlfriend, now. I was helping her out with transfiguration and the whole.. Animagus thing sort of slipped out. It wasn’t intentional. Why are you being such a prat, all of a sudden?”  
  
Sirius shrugged, trying to digest all the information he was taking in. “Alright, well the damage is done, I s’pose. Congrats on nabbing your dream girl by the way, mate. Call her, please? I’m kind of in some horrible pain.”  
  
James nodded and ran off, presumably to fetch Lily. Meanwhile, Sirius returned his face to the mattress, taking small, gasping breaths to minimize the pain coming from his side.   
  
“You alright, Pads?” Peter asked, hovering over him and looking frightened.   
  
“I’ll live,” Sirius muttered, laughing weakly.  
  
Several minutes passed, before the door swung open, James returned with Lily in tow.  
  
“Merlin, Sirius. What happened?” Lily gasped, rushing over to his bedside.  
  
“Couldn’t bother to fill her in on the way, huh James?” Sirius asked wryly.  
  
“Well, I couldn’t right well announce in the middle of the girls’ dormitories that you got mauled by a bloody werewolf, could I?”  
  
“Boys, stop. James, can you help him remove his shirt, please? I need to see the wounds better,” Lily interrupted, jumping into action.   
  
Carefully, James helped Sirius sit up, taking care to gingerly remove his shirt, which was torn and bloodied up and utterly useless, at this point.  
  
Lily got closer, examining the gashes. Finally, she spoke. “They’re pretty deep. I can heal them, but there might be a scar, left.”  
  
“Whatever,” Sirius replied, shrugging.  
  
Wand in hand, Lily recited the appropriate incantations, and with a flick of her wrist, Sirius’s wounds began to heal.   
  
“Not as tidy as Pomfrey could do, but it should do the trick,” Lily chirped happily, giving James a kiss.  
  
“It still hurts,” Sirius muttered grumpily, grasping at his side.   
  
“Well, yes. It’s going to hurt. I closed the wounds and healed them, but you’re still going to ache. And you’ve probably got bruising from the attack, as well. But you’ll live,” Lily assured him, rolling her eyes.  
  
Satisfied with Lily’s explanation, Sirius yawned loudly. “I’m going to sleep,” he announced to his present company, before climbing under his covers. Moments after closing his eyes, he fell into a light, dreamless sleep.

* * *

Sirius woke with a feverish start, sweat-drenched. Clutching at his stomach, he jumped out of bed, running into the bathroom. Throwing himself to the ground, he leaned forward, hands gripped on the seat of the toilet to steady himself, vomiting profusely. He hadn’t eaten at all the day before, save for a few mouthfuls of lettuce, so his stomach was empty, save for stomach acid and bile. He peered into the bowl, noting the sickly yellow color of his bile. A wave of nausea hit him again and he dry heaved, nothing remaining inside of him to vomit up. He remained in that position for several minutes, breathing heavily, too exhausted to move. _Fuck. What could this even be?_ He thought for several minutes, arms still resting on the rim of the toilet, to keep himself propped up. “It couldn’t be because I didn’t take those bloody pills all day, could he?” he asked himself quietly, considering. This thought rang true to Sirius. _Of course, it is, what else could it be? Bloody fucking withdrawal._ He squeezed his eyes shut. His head was pounding, and his throat burned.   
  
“You okay in there, mate?” James asked from behind the door.  
  
“I’m fine, thanks. Just a sec,” Sirius croaked out, struggling to bring himself to his feet. He stood shakily, flushing the toilet and walking over to the sink to wash his hands and rinse out his mouth.   
  
He exited the bathroom, where James was still waiting. “You were being sick.”  
  
Sirius nodded. “My side was aching and I felt nauseous so I...” he muttered, hoping this lie would satisfy his friend.  
  
“Let’s go downstairs and have breakfast. Maybe some toast will settle your stomach.”  
  
“Alright,” Sirius agreed.  
  
Toast was safe, he reasoned. _If nothing else, at least I’ll have something in me to throw back up._

* * *

Sirius quickly dressed, throwing on a filthy pair of jeans and an over-sized jumper. He followed James out of the dormitory, followed by Peter. At the table, they were joined by Lily.  
  
“How are you feeling, Sirius?” she asked, taking a sip of her juice.  
  
“Okay,” Sirius agreed, shakily pouring himself a goblet of juice.   
  
_You need to stabilize your blood sugar,_ he reasoned with himself, rationalizing his choice of juice over his usual morning glass of water. He took a gulp, coughing slightly as the acidity of the juice burned his already-aggravated throat.   
  
“You alright, mate?” James asked lowly, looking concerned.  
  
“Mhmm,” Sirius murmured, swallowing. “Just went down wrong.”  
  
James nodded, pushing the plate of toast towards him. “Eat,” he said pointedly.  
  
Obediently, Sirius grabbed a slice of toast, placing it on his plate. He tore a strip of crust off it, taking a small bite. He ate slowly and deliberately, chewing each bite precisely eleven times before swallowing, followed by a sip of juice. He ignored James and Lily’s attempts at conversation, focused only on eating. By the time the others had finished breakfast, Sirius had managed to consume his piece of toast, as well as glass of juice and two mugs of black coffee. James nodded approvingly at Sirius’ empty plate. “Well done, mate,” he told his friend, ignoring Lily’s confused expression.   
  
Sirius nodded, silently begging his friend not to elaborate. Lily didn’t know, wasn’t aware of Sirius’ habits, his _condition,_ he thought sullenly. While it was all well and good for James to go about blabbing his own secrets to his new girlfriend, it was a whole other thing for him to go telling any of his. They were Sirius’ secrets, and if James knew what was best for him, he’d keep his bloody mouth shut.   
  
“Well, we better head back up to the dorm. Don’t want to be late for class and all,” James said suddenly, changing the subject.  
  
“Ughhh, Prongs it’s Friday! Can’t we just cut classes today?” Peter moaned, stifling a yawn. “I’m still tired.”  
  
“Come now, lads. We’re in our final year here. Best be off to class, like good boys right?” he asked, winking at Lily.   
  
Lily rolled her eyes. “You’re too much, you know that?” she laughed, smacking him on the arm.   
  
Sirius breathed in a sigh of relief, glad that James had changed the subject. He followed behind his friends, back to the dormitory. Gathering up his schoolbooks for the morning classes, he paused a moment to grab his pouch, carefully pouring out a handful of pills into the palm of his hand. In too much of a hurry to crush them, he tossed them into his mouth, washing them down with a glass of water he had left on his nightstand. Feeling better, now that he had taken them, he followed his friends out of the dorm, ready to face the day.

* * *


	5. That Boy's Got Woe

Saturday morning arrived, and Sirius woke early in good spirits. It was time for an official Hogsmede visit, which meant he would be free to escape the monotony of the castle and school grounds for several hours. Namely, he’d be able to blow off several meals without his friends batting an eyelash. It was going to be their first Marauder outing with a plus one; despite everyone’s request to have a boy’s day in the village, James insisted on bringing Lily along.  
  
“Honestly, Pads, she’s not that bad,” Remus had lectured him as Sirius sulked, annoyed by the intrusion on their group.  
  
“I just don’t like change. You know this, Moony. And you should know that best of all, Prongsie,” Sirius pouted, staring in James’ direction.  
  
Still, it was looking to be a lovely autumn day, and Sirius was excited to get out. They’d visit Zonko’s to get some inspiration for future pranks, visit Honeydukes to appease Remus’ sweet tooth, and nip a few drinks at the pub, all for good measure. Sirius smiled to himself as he walked to the bathroom to wash up for the day. After a quick shower, he returned to the dorm, where James and Remus were just waking. He rummaged through his trunk, in search of clean clothes. He pulled on a muggle band t-shirt and a pair of clean jeans, smirking in satisfaction as he noticed he needed to use a tighter hole on his belt. Sirius sprawled himself out on his bed, waiting for his friends to finish getting ready.  
  
“So, shall we grab a bite to eat before we head out?” James questioned, once everyone was dressed.  
  
“Might as well,” Moony replied sensibly, “as nothing will even be open there until ten.”  
  
Sirius grabbed his leather jacket, following his friends out of the dorm and down to the Great Hall. He found himself seated next to Remus, strangely enough.  
  
“James insisted I give Lily my seat,” he explained, shrugging nonchalantly.  
  
“Ah... There you go again, Prongsie, messing with my fragile mindset. I HATE change,” Sirius mockingly whined, flashing James a smile as a sign that it was all in jest.  
  
“So what’s on the itinerary today, lads?” Peter asked, pausing only momentarily from his eggs.  
  
Sirius looked to James, who raised his eyebrow and nodded back, indicating for Sirius to answer.  
  
“Erm... I was thinking Zonko’s first, then Honeydukes? Then a couple of hours getting sloshed over at the Three Broomsticks?”  
  
“Oh yes, because I so enjoy watching the four of you make drunken arses out of yourselves,” Lily said dryly, taking her seat next to James.  
  
“What do you propose instead, Lils? Tea and scones at Madam Puddifoot’s?” Sirius asked sarcastically, offering her a trademark Black family smirk.  
  
“What I’d really love, _Black,_ is some time alone with James. But no, he insists that you need him, and _god forbid_ I cut in on your James time,” Lily snapped, visibly irritated.  
  
“Lils,” James coaxed soothingly, gently placing his hand over hers.  
  
“I mean Jesus fucking Christ, James. Sometimes I feel like you’re in a bloody relationship with Sirius instead of with me!”  
  
Sirius and the other three Marauders stared, mouths agape.  
  
“Okay then, Lily. Whatever. We’ll just be out of your way then,” Sirius said sharply, standing up. He motioned to Remus and Peter to rise as well.  
  
“Sirius, wait-” James said loudly, standing as well.  
  
“No, no, James. Please, sit. Lily apparently needs your full undivided attention. Perhaps a bit of that will put your woman in line,” Sirius hissed, eyes staring sharply at Lily.  
  
Remus nudged Sirius in the ribs. “Pads, don’t you think that was a tad uncalled for?” he hissed in his ear, still staring at the couple remaining at the table.  
  
Lily rolled her eyes. “Sirius I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make a scene like that it’s just... can you blame me? For wanting a little alone time?” she asked, her voice gentler this time.  
  
“So by all means, have your alone time,” Sirius replied coolly, “come on lads, best be heading off.”  
  
With that said, Sirius stalked off, leaving Remus and Peter to hurriedly rush behind, in an effort to catch up.

* * *

“Isn’t it so nice to be away from school and teachers and all that?” Peter asked enthusiastically.  
  
Sirius shrugged. They had been wandering about Zonko’s for a good hour now, but he was still sulking. “It’s not the same without James here,” he muttered, miserably.  
  
“Sirius would you please stop pouting. We’re trying to have a good time, trying to make sure you have a good time,” Remus pleaded, placing his hand on Sirius’ shoulder.  
  
“I know... I’m sorry. I just-”  
  
“You hate change, we know,” Peter and Remus said in unison, sighing.  
  
The trio exited the joke shop, wandering aimlessly through the village. They had already visited Honeydukes, where Remus had stocked up on chocolate and Peter had gorged himself on a variety of sweets. “To the pub?” Peter suggested.  
  
Sirius nodded. He was starting to feel rather cold, after all, and the thought of getting quite drunk appealed to him.  
  
“Sirius Orion Black,” a female voice called out from behind him.  
  
Sirius exchanged looks with his two friends, who turned along with him, in search of the owner of the voice. Coming up towards them was Evelyn, her long blonde hair looking windswept. She threw herself at him, wrapping her arms loosely over his shoulders as she placed a chaste kiss upon his lips.  
  
“Evie, what are you doing in these parts?” Sirius asked, genuinely curious. He had always been under the impression that Evelyn stuck to her old stomping grounds in London.  
  
“Looking for you, actually,” she replied, grinning mischievously.  
  
Sirius looked at her questioningly, taking in her appearance. She looked pale and thin as ever, dressed in a smart looking leather trench with a fur collar. She raised a single eyebrow, nodding slightly at Remus and Peter.  
  
“Oh, um, lads, this is Evelyn Greengrass. She’s an um, old family friend,” Sirius said quickly, suddenly feeling quite tongue tied. “And Evelyn, these are two of my best mates, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew,” he finished, nodding towards each of his friends as he said their names.  
  
“Charmed, I’m sure,” Evelyn replied politely.  
  
“You graduated from Hogwarts two years ahead of us, right?” Remus asked her, curiously.  
  
“Yes, I did,” she agreed, digging through her coat pockets.  
  
She removed a packet of cigarettes, carefully removed one, placed it between her lips, and lit it, inhaling deeply. She exhaled a a plume of smoke, blowing smoke rings in Sirius’ face.  
  
“We were just about to head over to the Three Broomsticks for a drink, if you’d care to join?” Sirius asked, offering her his arm.  
  
“I thought you’d never ask,” she replied, taking Sirius’ arm and allowing him to lead her towards the pub.

* * *

Once inside, Peter and Remus volunteered to secure a table, leaving Sirius and Evelyn to gather the libations.  
  
“So why exactly did you come looking for me?” Sirius asked, unable to contain himself or his curiosity.  
  
“ Well,” she began, smirking at him, “I’m sure you’ve heard about Lucius and Narcissa’s engagement.”  
  
Sirius nodded. He had, indeed, heard of his cousin’s engagement to Malfoy.  
  
“And?” he prompted, silently urging her to go on.  
  
“Well, their wedding is the Saturday before Christmas, and I was wondering if perhaps you’d escort me as my date.”  
  
“You’ve got to be fucking me,” Sirius choked, eyes wide.  
  
“Can I get a butterbeer and three firewhiskeys, please?” he croaked, having gained the attention of the barmaid. “Make them doubles, if you could.”  
  
Madam Rosmerta nodded, busying herself with preparing the drinks.  
  
“Come on, Sirius, please? I can’t stand the thought of having to show up there alone given my...” Evelyn trailed off, looking pained.  
  
“Why would you even want me as a date, anyway?” Sirius asked.  
  
“You’re a Black. You’re handsome and we get along. It makes sense, for us to be together,” she reasoned, not making eye contact with him.  
  
Madam Rosmerta returned with their drinks. Carefully, the pair carried the glasses over to the table Remus and Peter had successfully procured.  
  
“Would you excuse us a moment?” Evelyn asked, once the drinks were deposited onto the table.  
  
Peter and Remus nodded, shooting Sirius confused looks. He shrugged and offered them an equally confused head shake before following Evelyn outside of the establishment. They walked a bit, finally pausing in a secluded alleyway. Evelyn lit a cigarette, looking moderately distressed.  
  
“What’s wrong, Evie?” Sirius asked softly.  
  
She sighed. “You know that Lucius and I were a couple during our years at Hogwarts, right?”  
  
Sirius nodded. “Of course.”  
  
“We were nearly engaged. But, he called it off because of my _habits_... He felt it was a liability, that it would interfere with my ability to provide him a male heir,” she continued, taking a deep drag off her cigarette.  
  
“So you want to have me as a date to make a point to Lucius,” Black continued, trying to process what Evelyn was saying.  
  
“It’s not just that, Siri! It’s just... Things aren’t going so well. Everyone I know from school, all the girls from the families in our social circle are getting engaged and married and I’m just... Well, you know. My parents are distressed that I have been unable to secure an engagement with any appropriate partners from the right families,” she muttered, taking another angry drag.  
  
“I thought you weren’t interested in marriage, that you were delaying the whole thing,” Sirius asked softly, reaching out to touch her arm.  
  
“That’s not exactly the whole truth,” she whispered, tears beginning to form in her eyes. “No one is interested in seriously dating me or marrying me because of the whole... _anorexia._ Everyone knows, and so they see me as... _defective._ ”  
  
“I don’t know what to do anymore, Sirius. I, fuck... I feel like everything is falling apart and I have no one and I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to be defective, worthless,” she choked out, the tears beginning to flow freely.  
  
Sirius pulled her into an embrace, unsure of what to say, how to respond. “You’re not worthless, Evie. You’re beautiful. And perfect,” he whispered softly into her ear, stroking her hair.  
  
“I just... I thought maybe if I showed up with you it would make a point to people that I’m not, I’m not a lost cause. That I’m capable of being wanted, desired. By a guy. Someone from the right sort of family. You,” she finished miserably, gasping in between sobs.  
  
Her emotional breakdown was unnerving to Sirius. Never in his entire life had he ever witnessed Evelyn Greengrass out of control. She was always calm and collected and completely in control of herself and her emotions.  
  
“I’ll go to the wedding with you, Evie,” Sirius said finally, pulling away so that he could look into her eyes.  
  
“R-really?” she asked, smiling, despite her tear-stained face.  
  
“Of course. I mean... You’re right. We make sense. You know I’d do anything for you,” he replied, offering her a kind smile.  
  
“Thank you Sirius,” she said softly, smiling back. “We should be getting back, I suppose. Your friends probably think I abducted you or something.”  
  
Sirius laughed. “Doubtful, Evie. They probably just thing I’m fucking you in the bathroom or something.”  
  
“Maybe we could do that after a few drinks,” she suggested, grinning wickedly.  
  
“C’mon, let’s head back,” Sirius prompted, snaking his arm around her waist.

* * *

Sirius felt content, as they walked back to the pub. This felt good, right. Evelyn Greengrass was clearly as fucked up in the head as he was, but still. Didn’t the old saying go, misery loves company? _Perhaps,the two of us together could make one another whole._ Sirius sighed contently as he felt Evelyn rest her head on his shoulder. _Getting a bit ahead of yourself, aren’t you? She only asked you to be a date to a wedding, not her sodding boyfriend. Christ, you’re pathetic._ Still, he considered, it was a start. The returned to the pub, joining Remus and Peter, who were now on what looked to be their second round of drinks.  
  
Sirius and Evelyn seated themselves, each grabbing their respective glasses of firewhiskey. “Cheers,” Evelyn offered, raising her glass.  
  
The three Marauders followed in suit, clinking their glasses.  
  
“So what were you guys talking about?” Peter asked, unable to contain his nosiness.  
  
Sirius glanced at Evelyn, unsure of whether she wanted him to divulge.  
  
“Sirius oh so kindly agreed to be my date to the Malfoy-Black wedding in December,” Evie replied, offering Sirius a warm smile.  
  
Remus and Peter exchanged looks, then stared at Sirius.  
  
“You’re going to willingly face your family?” Remus asked, looking confused.  
  
“I suppose I am,” Sirius agreed, trying to keep his voice as calm-sounding as possible. It hadn’t dawned on him that his family, the family who had disowned him would be present at his cousin’s wedding. _Fuck._  
  
“It’ll be fine,” he said calmly, attempting to assure his friends, himself of that. “It’ll be fine. I mean... I’ll have to face them eventually, won’t I?”

“Sirius!” A booming voice called out from across the pub.  
  
Evelyn raised an eyebrow, as Sirius turned to look. James approached the group, hand in hand with Lily. “Lads,” he greeted, nodding slightly.  
  
“Ah. He graces us with his presence, at last,” Moony said dryly, snickering.  
  
“Who’s this?” James questioned, jerking his head towards Evelyn.  
  
“Evelyn Greengrass,” Evie replied, staring coolly at James.  
  
James’ eyes widened. “Oh. Oh. Hello, there. So you’re Sirius’... friend,” he noted, eyeing the blonde up and down.  
  
“Evie, this is James Potter, my best mate, and his girlfriend, Lily Evans,” Sirius said quickly, introducing his two friends.  
  
“Hello. Nice to meet you, Lily. And James. Come now, it’s not like we haven’t met before,” Evelyn replied, offering a slight smile  
  
James shrugged. “Only at Ministry parties and in passing at school.”  
  
“So what have you been up to since graduating?” Remus asked, genuinely curious.  
  
Evelyn shrugged, looking uncomfortable with the topic. “I’ve kept myself busy with things. I’ve been looking into starting to train to be a healer. And I’m a Junior member on the board at St. Mungo’s. Doing the whole charity gala circuit and all that,” she replied, perhaps a bit sharply.  
  
“So what brings you this way, anyway? I thought you were a London girl?” James asked.  
  
“She came to ask Sirius to be her date to a wedding!” Peter announced, obviously excited that he knew something before James.  
  
“How lovely,” Lily said lightly, a surprised expression forming on her face.  
  
She turned to Sirius. “Are you two dating?” she asks, a hopeful gleam in her eyes.  
  
Sirius looked down at the table, his cheeks flushed slightly. “No, we’re just uh... friends,” he muttered, continuing to stare down at the table.  
  
“Aw... Is icle Siri blushing? How cute,” Evelyn teased, smacking his arm lightly.  
  
“So... Who’s getting married?” James asked, dragging two chairs over to the table.  
  
“Malfoy and Cissy,” Sirius replied.  
  
James’ jaw dropped.  
  
“That’s a good look for you, Prongs,” Sirius noted, snickering.  
  
“You’re okay with that, mate?” James asked, right eyebrow raised.  
  
“Sure,” Sirius muttered uncomfortably, folding his arms across his chest.  
  
“Why do all of them keep asking you that?” Evelyn asked, shooting Sirius a confused look.  
  
“Well, you know he was disowned by his parents, right?” James asked, glancing over at Sirius for confirmation.  
  
Sirius squeezed his eyes shut, suddenly feeling quite ill.  
  
“When did this happen?” Evelyn asked, looking nonplussed.  
  
“When I left home this past summer... It’s just... I don’t want to talk about it.”  
  
Sirius grabbed his tumbler of firewhiskey, draining the glass with one gulp.  
  
“Anyone for another?” he asked, rising to his feet.  
  
Not bothering to wait for a response, he strode purposefully over to the bar, where he ordered two double firewhiskeys. When the barmaid placed the two drinks before him, he picked up one, raised it to his mouth, and tilted his head back, draining the glass with one gulp. Slamming the glass down on the bar, he picked up the second one and returned to the table.  
  
Sirius glanced around at his friends, noting uncomfortably that they were all staring at him, with concerned expressions on their faces. _Fuck ‘em._ Without hesitation, he pounded back he current drink before him. The whiskey burnt going down and he winced a little, having forgotten the current state of his esophagus. He looked up, making eye contact with Evelyn, silently begging her to find him a way out of this uncomfortable scene.  
  
“Sirius, there’s a dress I’ve had my eye on over at Gladrags... Would you care to accompany me over there and give it a look?” she asked, recognizing Sirius’ silent plea immediately and jumping into action.  
  
“Absolutely. I’ll see you all back at school, then?” he asked, looking around at his friends.  
  
“Yeah. We’ll see you later, mate. Have fun,” James replied, giving Sirius a knowing smile.  
  
“Lovely meeting you all,” Evelyn said, standing up.  
  
The others replied similar pleasantries, but Sirius paid no attention. His heart was racing and he needed to get out of there, _now._ Offering Evelyn his arm, the pair exited the pub, wandering down the street in the direction of Gladrags Wizardwear.

* * *

“So, you looking at a dress for the wedding?” Sirius asked, as they approached the store.  
  
“Oh god, no. It’s just some little sheath for lounging about the house... I’m quite tempted to venture out into Muggle London to get something for the wedding, to be honest. I feel like Harrods will be a better place to find something truly unique and exquisite.”  
  
Sirius nodded, having nothing to add to the conversation. He too enjoyed shopping in Muggle London, but he frequented thrift shops and Army Surplus stores that carried the combat boots he was fond of. Sirius found himself being dragged past the clothing shop, towards an empty alleyway.  
  
“Where are we going, I thought you wanted to look at a dress,” Sirius asked, pulling his arm from out of Evelyn’s grasp.  
  
“You’re fucking daft, you know that? You wanted to get out of there, so I gave you an out. Besides... I have something more fun in mind than watching me try on dresses,” she said playfully, batting her eyelashes.  
  
Sirius looked uneasy, surveying their surroundings. “Evie, it’s broad daylight! And there are people around!”  
  
“That’s what makes it fun.”  
  
Sirius bit his lip. Sure, he had never been one to say no at giving a girl the old in-out, in-out in public, but that had been in London. Not _here,_ where people who knew him, his own classmates, were out and about.  
  
“If you were a man, you’d fuck me now,” she challenged, unbelting her coat to reveal a barely-there shift dress.  
  
Not one to risk the reputation of his masculinity, Sirius rushed towards her, slinking an arm around her waist and shoving her against the nearest wall. Evelyn pressed her mouth to Sirius’ ear, whispering, “I’m not wearing underwear,” her breath hot on his skin.  
  
Skillfully, Sirius undid his belt with one hand, pulling down his zipper and pulling himself out. Grabbing Evelyn by the waist, he hoisted her up against the wall, allowing her to wrap her legs around his legs, so he could easily enter her.  
  
“Oh god, fuck me, Siri,” she moaned, as he pumped into her, one hand around her waist, the other against the wall, for support.  
  
Several hard thrusts later, Sirius was spent. He let Evelyn back down onto the ground, carefully scanning her face for her reaction. Her cheeks were flushed and she was smiling rather contently, so it appeared he had done well enough pleasing her.  
  
“You look good, Siri,” she said softly, pulling him into an embrace. She kissed him softly on the lips, before deepening the kiss. “Skinny, but strong. I like that.”  
  
Sirius shrugged, brushing off her compliment, but felt he was positively brimming with delight internally. “You always look good,” he replied.  
  
“I should get going,” she said suddenly, glancing down at the ground. “It’s getting late, and I’m sure you want to catch back up with your friends.”  
  
“Are you sure?” Sirius asked, confused. Why did it seem that every time they hooked up, she immediately pushed him away? It was beyond irritating to him.  
  
“I’ll owl you the details about the wedding, Sirius. Take care of yourself,” she said quickly, offering him another peck on the lips before swiftly turning and disapparating.

* * *

Suddenly finding himself standing alone in an abandoned alleyway, Sirius shoved his hands into his pockets and began walking briskly back towards school. His stomach was aching, he noted, the firewhiskey sloshing about uncomfortably. _I need to vomit_. He made it as far as the Shrieking Shack before he couldn’t hold it in any longer. Grasping onto the fence surrounding the lot, Sirius leaned forward, vomiting into the bushes. The firewhiskey burnt his throat coming back up, and he gasped, his body convulsing slightly due to the excursion of his retching. Shakily, he slid down to the ground, leaning against the fence for support. Sobbing slightly, Sirius pulled his knees close to his chest, resting his head on them. His throat ached, his chest ached, _he_ ached. Each breath sent a shooting pain through his chest.  
  
“Sirius, are you alright?”  
  
Sirius looked up, feeling too shaky to even attempt to put up some sort of facade that he was okay. Moony stood before him, a concerned look on his face. Unable to bring himself to utter a single word, he shook his head no, before returning his head to its prior position of resting against his knees.  
  
“Are you ill?” Remus asked, taking a seat next to him.  
  
Sirius thought for a moment, considering what to say. He was half tempted to tell him the truth. But what could I even say? ‘Remus, I’m dizzy and my chest is pounding because I’m barely eating, and everything that I do eat, I immediately throw up?’ Or, ‘I can’t eat anything without throwing up. My body has gotten so used to me doing that that it initiates the purging on it’s own.’ Yeah, that’d go over well. He sat in silence for a moment, trying to decide upon a believable lie.  
  
“Had a bit too much firewhiskey I think,” he croaked finally, glancing up to make eye contact with his friend.  
  
“You think, mate? You pounded three of those back in about twenty minutes time, if that. I’m amazed you’re even cognitive right now,” Moony remarked, shaking his head bemusedly.  
  
“I wanna go to sleep,” Sirius whined miserably, glancing helplessly at Moony.  
  
Moony sighed, rolling his eyes. “C’mon, you colossal moron. Let’s get you back to the dorm before you pass out.”

* * *

Sirius woke to a wave of nausea. He rushed out of bed, head pounding, towards the bathroom, again throwing himself before the toilet only seconds before retching up the contents of his stomach. He sat down on the cold stone floor, resting his head against the toilet seat. He wouldn’t dare try to stand, just yet. His vision kept blacking out, and he felt unbearably dizzy. He breathed heavily for a moment, only to have another wave of nausea hit him. He vomited profusely, stomach aching from the heaving, gagging on the horrid taste of bile. Wiping his mouth with his sleeve, he froze as he heard footsteps approaching. _Fuck, I didn’t close the door._  
  
“Pads?”  
  
It was Moony. He approached Sirius calmly, crouching down so that he was eye level with him.  
  
“You’ve been sick,” he stated.  
  
Sirius nodded. He was at a loss for words.  
  
“I have a hangover potion for you. Here,” he said, handing Sirius a vial.  
  
He gulped the potion down quickly, flashing Remus a grateful look.  
  
“You should take a shower, mate,” he said, looking at Sirius, his eyes shining with concern.  
  
“I just want to go back to sleep,” Sirius mumbled, closing his eyes.  
  
“Siri, you’ve got vomit in your hair. Come on, I’ll help you up,” Remus said, standing up.  
  
Carefully, he helped Sirius to his feet.  
  
“I’m going to turn the shower on for you, alright? I’ll stay in here, to make sure you don’t pass out in the shower or anything. Then you can go to bed. Okay?” he asked, lightly brushing Sirius’ hair behind his ear.  
  
Sirius nodded. Once Remus had assured him the shower water was an acceptable temperature, he stripped himself of his clothes, entering the shower. The water felt good on Sirius’ skin. He quickly washed his hair, then scrubbed his body with soap. As he breathed in the warm steam, he began to feel slightly better. His head didn’t pound nearly so much, and the fire in his chest seemed to ebb, a bit. Satisfied that he was clean enough, he turned off the water and exited the shower. Too exhausted to concern himself with modesty, Sirius allowed Remus to wrap him in a towel, drying him off. Back in the dorm room, he allowed Remus to help him into a pair of boxers, before putting him into bed. Once he was securely tucked in, Remus handed him a glass of water and two pills, prompting him to take them and to drink the entire glass. Sirius obliged, ever the obedient dog that he was.  
  
“Get some rest, Siri,” Remus said softly, smoothing Sirius’ still-wet hair down.  
  
Sirius nodded, yawning, closing his eyes. He heard Remus talking still, but it was distant,drowned out, as he fell into a deep slumber.


	6. You're Skin and Bones, I'm a Nervous Wreck

Sunday morning, Sirius refused to get out of bed. He felt exhausted, far too weary to even _think_ about taking a single step, let alone dragging himself downstairs to the Great Hall for breakfast.  
  
“Still feeling hungover, mate?” James asked, hovering over Sirius’ bed.  
  
Sirius shrugged. “A little, I guess. I’m just tired. Been so busy with school and quidditch and all, I just want a nice lie in.”  
  
Sensing that any attempts to argue with him would be useless, the remaining marauders exited the dorm, leaving Sirius to his own devices. His head was still throbbing and his stomach ached, a feeling he was beginning to become quite accustomed to. The night prior was a bit hazy to him; he remembered waking up and being sick, but he was unsure how he ended up back in his bed. The lack of a memory for that made Sirius slightly uncomfortable. _I mean, I’ve blacked out from drinking before, but I didn’t even drink all that much yesterday._ Unable to fall back asleep, Sirius shakily rose up from the bed, quickly pulling on the closest articles of clothing to him. He dug around in his robe pockets until he found his mokeskin pouch, removing his vial of pills. He opened the vial, only to discover that there was only four left. “Fuck,” he muttered, staring dejectedly at the four pills in the palm of his hand.  
  
Shrugging, he dry-swallowed them, tossing the empty bottle aside. “Now what?” he asked himself, beginning to pace back and forth.  
  
He needed to get more. After all, he had discovered not too long ago that he would experience withdrawal symptoms if he didn’t get any into his system on a day to day basis. Pulling on his robes, Sirius hastily exited the dorm, heading towards the owlery. He would have to owl Evelyn and beg her to send him some by post. There was no other way. Quickly, he penned a note to Evelyn, giving her directions to the pharmacy he frequented, attaching several muggle notes into the letter, for her to make the purchase for him. Once the owl was sent off, Sirius’ anxiety ebbed a bit. He had done what he could; all that was left to do was wait.  
  
Sirius returned to Gryffindor Tower, making himself cozy in an armchair by the fireplace. Though it was only the beginning of November, Sirius felt horribly cold. He stared into the fire, mesmerized by the flames. The common room was surprisingly empty for this time of day. It was sunny out, so most of the students were likely taking advantage of the decent weather and enjoying some time outdoors before winter came. Sirius glanced towards the entrance to the girls’ dormitories, thinking. He had overheard snippets of conversations among some of the girls in his year, discussing diet pills. Perhaps, he could sneak up into the dorms and nick some off of one of the girls, to hold him over until Evelyn could send him more speed. He furrowed his brow, considering. _Maybe I could just try summoning them. Wouldn’t hurt to try, would it?_ He considered, biting his lip again. Shrugging, he picked up his wand, and with a flick of his wrist, muttered “Accio diet pills.”  
  
Surely enough, seconds later, a bottle labeled ‘Phentermine’ flew towards him, into his hand. Curious as to what the effect would be, he opened the bottle, dispensing 4 into the palm of his hand. He swallowed them quickly, gagging a bit from the bitter taste. Sirius spent the afternoon working on homework, taking frequent breaks to visit the Owlery on the off chance that Evelyn may have sent him back a reply to his letter. His friends returned to the common room, insisting that he join them for dinner, since he was apparently feeling well enough to be up and about. 

* * *

Dinner was unpleasant. Sirius felt irritable, having too much energy to sit still. He fidgeted, pouting at the spread before him.

“Aren’t you going to eat something, Sirius?” James questioned, loudly.

“No, Prongs. I’m not **hungry** ,” Sirius snapped back, crossing his arms over his chest.

“This is absurd, Pads, you’re acting like a child.”

Sirius glared in response, shooting James a withering look.

“Sirius,” Remus said lowly, “you really need to eat something. You were sick all last night, and you haven’t eaten all day.”

“Fine,” Sirius muttered, rolling his eyes.

He watched as his three friends watched him carefully place a handful of lettuce on his plate, as well as a meager spoonful of green beans. Spearing a lettuce leaf with his fork, he stared down James as he brought the fork to his mouth, maintaining eye contact as he chewed the mouthful of lettuce precisely twelve times, before swallowing. To Sirius’ disgust, his friends continued to watch him. _They want to bloody watch me eat? Fine, fuck ‘em_ , he thought angrily, spearing a green bean with his fork. He stared down at his plate for the remainder of the meal, focusing on eating, ignoring the stares he was receiving the entire time. “There, I ate. Happy now?” he sneered, dropping his fork onto his now-empty plate. Not bothering to wait for a response, Sirius stood and stalked off, back towards Gryffindor Tower.

* * *

“I feel sick,” Sirius moaned lowly, clutching his stomach.  
  
“Why, though? You barely ate at dinner,” Remus noted, glancing at Sirius from his armchair, across from where Sirius sat.  
  
They had been sitting in the common room since after dinner, working on homework. It was now pushing on midnight, and James and Peter had long since retired for the night, leaving only the two of them. Sirius shrugged in response. “It’s like this every time I eat... I eat, and I’m greeted with nausea and pain in my stomach.”  
  
Remus nodded, unsure of how to respond. Over the past few weeks, he had begun to suspect that his friend was in the midst of some sort of a relapse, but he found himself at a loss for words as to how to broach the subject.  
  
“You’ve lost weight,” he noted, unsure of anything else to say.  
  
“Not really,” Sirius replied, staring Remus down.  
  
“Yes, you have,” Remus continued, matching his friend’s stare.  
  
“It’s just from quidditch. I was out of shape from doing nothing all summer. Just redistribution of weight, mate,” Sirius replied.  
  
“Why don’t you cut the shit and just admit that you’re relapsing?” Remus asked, exasperated.  
  
“I’m **not** relapsing!” Sirius shouted, rising to his feet.  
  
Remus shook his head. “Pads. I hear you in there, first thing in the morning, vomiting. You barely eat. You wander around like you’re not all the way here. You rush off after meals. You get why I’m concerned, right mate?”  
  
Sirius shrugged, visibly agitated. “What do you want me to say, Moony?”  
  
“I don’t know, I don’t know. I just... I hate this, I hate watching you do this to yourself!”  
  
Sirius stared for a moment, arms crossed. “Then don’t look.”

* * *

Remus Lupin sat nervously in the waiting room of his assigned therapist, Elaine Kingston. After much cajolement on both Dumbledore and Madam Pomfrey’s part, Remus had reluctantly scheduled an appointment to see this Kingston person. Hence why he was sitting in a small waiting area in an office building in Hogsmeade, rather than in Potions with his friends.  
  
“Remus?” A female voice asked, garnering Remus’ attention.  
  
“Yeah,” he replied, glancing briefly up at her.  
  
“I’m ready for you now, if you’d like to join me.”  
  
Remaining silent, Remus stood and followed the woman into the conjoining office, taking a seat on the couch she had motioned him to sit at.  
  
“So,” Remus said quietly, staring down the woman.  
  
Elaine Kingston was a smart looking brunette in her mid-thirties. She was dressed in a cream colored sweater and a pair of tan slacks. She smiled at him, in what Remus assumed was meant to be a calming manner.  
  
“Remus, I’m Elaine Kingston. I’m going to be your therapist. You were referred to me by Madam Pomfrey, as I’m sure you’re aware, due to an incident that occurred in September.”  
  
“By which you mean I slashed my wrists open,” Remus replied, laughing bitterly.  
  
“If that’s how you would like to word it, Remus, yes. You were referred to me because of your suicide attempt.”  
  
“I don’t know why I’m being forced into this tripe. I’m not even the one who’s not well,” Remus muttered, crossing his arms.  
  
“What do you mean by that?” Elaine question, quill poised above a piece of parchment.  
  
Remus bit his lip; he hadn’t realized what he had said aloud. “Erm, nothing. It’s nothing.”  
  
“Okay. Before we get into the circumstances that brought you here, why don’t you tell me a little about yourself.”  
  
Remus snorted. “What’s there to say? You already know why I’m here. _What_ I am is what has brought me here.”  
  
Elaine stared ahead, unaffected by his outburst. “If you don’t feel comfortable talking about yourself, then why don’t you tell me why you think you’re here.”  
  
“Are you kidding me? Why I think I’m here? We both know bloody well why I’m here. I’m here because I tried to kill myself. Because I’m a werewolf. A bloody damn suicidal werewolf,” Remus screeched, beginning to feel enraged.  
  
_This is bullshit, compete and utter bullshit_. He frowned, gnawing at his lower lip.  
  
“Why, exactly did you want to kill yourself Remus?” Elaine asked, her quill still in hand.  
  
“I- I just... I’m not even the one who should be here. I’m not the one who’s fucked up in the head.”  
  
“Remus, you said that when you first arrived. To whom are you referring?”  
  
Remus paused, considering. “My mate from school. He’s the one who’s sick, and no one is forcing him into some bullshit therapy.”  
  
“You think your friend isn’t well?”  
  
Remus rolled his eyes. “I bloody know he’s not well. I don’t exactly think it’s healthy or normal to be throwing up everything one eats, do you?” he scoffed, kicking the desk before him, slightly.  
  
“I think that you’re angry at your friend,” Elaine said evenly, taking notes on the parchment before her.  
  
“I’m not angry, what makes you say that?” Remus asked, taken aback by her accusation.  
  
“Your tone, your facial expressions when you said that, they all allude to anger.”  
  
“I’m not angry. He just worries me, is all.”  
  
Elaine stared at him for a moment. “You were turned at age six, correct?”  
  
Remus nodded.  
  
“Would you say that you had been suicidal for a while, leading up to your attempt?”  
  
Remus stared at the floor, silent.  
  
“Remus?” Elaine asked gently.  
  
“No... It was just. I found out that all the effort I’ve put forth, all the time and the studying has been moot... I’m not going to get a job once I leave school. I have to register with the Ministry and... My kind is looked down upon. So, having to face that, on top of the fact that I’m never going to find someone who will want to be with me, given my condition, it just felt like... Fuck. What does anything matter, why am I still alive?”  
  
Silence again, save for Elaine scribbling the quill against parchment.  
  
“Do you still feel that way?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
Elaine asked him another question, but Remus was too distracted to respond. He stared despondently at the rug, arms crossed against his chest.  
  
“Remus?”  
  
“Hmm?” he replied, still staring at the rug.  
  
“I’m afraid our time is up. I’ll see you again, this time next week?”  
  
Remus looked up, shaking his head. “No. I missed class for this.”  
  
“Would another time suit you better?”  
  
“I suppose. I have a free period Wednesdays at two.”  
  
“I’ll schedule you for Wednesday at two, then. Take care of yourself, Remus.”  
  
Remus nodded and stood, exiting the woman’s office. He walked through Hogsmeade, deep in thought. _Could she be right? Am I angry at Sirius?_

* * *

He returned to the castle, heading across the grounds to the greenhouses, for Herbology. There, he found James and Peter, looking rather distraught.  
  
“What’s the matter?” Remus asked, beginning to feel anxious. _Did they find out I’m in therapy? Are they judging me?_ Remus glanced about Greenhouse 3, where their lessons were taking place this day. Suddenly, it dawned on him that a member of their party was missing. “Where’s Sirius?”  
  
Peter glanced at James nervously, running his hands through his dirty blond hair.  
  
“What happened Prongs?” Remus demanded, turning to the black haired boy.  
  
“Erm... Sirius passed out in class. Down in potions. So he’s um... up in the hospital wing,” James muttered, looking utterly distraught.  
  
“Why are you even here, then? Why the **fuck** is he alone?” Remus shouted, angrily.  
  
He stared at James, taking in his pallid complexion. He looked as though he were ill. “Don’t you think I’d bloody well be there if I was allowed to? Pomfrey kicked us out,” James hissed, glaring at his friend.  
  
“Oh. _Fuck_ ,” Remus muttered, squeezing his eyes shut.  
  
“We’re going to go post up at the Hospital Wing as soon as this class is over, right James?” Peter said quietly, nudging James.  
  
“Yeah,” he agreed.  
  
Remus nodded, silently cursing his decision to bother showing up for this damn class, anyway. He glanced at his wrist, checking the time. _Just another forty minutes,_ he thought miserably. _Let’s get the hell on with it._

* * *

Sirius woke with a start, inhaling the scent of sterilizing chemicals. He blinked his eyes several times, in an attempt to adjust his vision to the light in the room. He groaned slightly, unsure of where he was or how he’d gotten there.  
  
“Oh good, you’re awake now.”  
  
It dawned on Sirius where he was, as Madam Pomfrey approached him from her office, where she’d been apparently sitting.  
  
“What happened?” Sirius asked, his voice raspy.  
  
“Here, you’re dehydrated,” Madam Pomfrey noted, handing Sirius a goblet of water.  
  
Sirius took the goblet eagerly, taking a long sip. The cool water soothed his sore throat, which he noted was dully aching.  
  
“You passed out in Potions, Sirius,” Pomfrey noted, eyeing him worriedly.  
  
Sirius pushed himself up so he was sitting upright in bed. “Must have been the fumes,” he shrugged, staring directly across from him at the wall.  
  
“It was within the first ten minutes of class, Sirius. Professor Slughorn noted that he was only beginning the lecture. And Mr. Potter said that you went rigid, then passed out, falling out of your chair.”  
  
Sirius bit his lip. _Shit. This isn’t good._ “Erm..” he muttered, unsure how to respond. “I’m going to have to check your weight, Sirius,” Pomfrey noted.  
  
“What, why? I don’t see how that’s relevant,” Sirius sputtered, his heart beginning to beat faster.  
  
“Sirius. Given prior incidents, I feel it is necessary to check.”  
  
Sirius nodded. “Alright, let’s get on with it, then,” he muttered, swinging his legs over to the side of the bed and standing up.  
  
His vision went to black momentarily, but Sirius played it off as just general clumsiness, grabbing on to the back of the bed frame for support. He followed the nurse to scale, still located in the corner. After taking a deep breath, he stood on the scale, closing his eyes.  
  
“Alright, Sirius you can step off now,” Pomfrey said, scribbling something onto what he presumed was his chart.  
  
She motioned for him to return to bed. Sirius obliged, deciding it would be best to go with the flow for now.  
  
“Do you want to know your weight, Sirius?”  
  
“Why not?”  
  
Pomfrey raised an eyebrow. “I was just checking. I remember Healer Perkins mentioned before that he believed knowing your weight was triggering for you-”  
  
“Well it’s not. Just tell me,” Sirius snapped, interrupting her.  
  
“You’re 8st even.”  
  
Sirius nodded.  
  
“How have you been feeling, Sirius?” Madam Pomfrey asked, looking concerned.  
  
“I’m okay, Poppy. Really. I’ve been exhausted from quidditch.... James is a real slave driver,” he complained, grasping at straws to keep her from making any accusations.  
  
Pomfrey shook her head, a knowing smile on her lips. “So I’ve heard. I’ve had Longbottom in here quite a few times looking for a Pep Up Potion, after particularly grueling practices. You need to make sure that you’re getting proper rest, Sirius. Especially with quidditch going on. And I don’t think I need to stress the importance of eating properly.”  
  
Sirius nodded agreeably. “Of course, of course. I’ll make sure that I get more sleep. That’s probably it... I mean between quidditch and classes...” he trailed off, glancing carefully at Pomfrey. He grinned as he realized that she had fallen for his story, hook, line and sinker.  
  
“Very well. You can stay and rest for a little while, then when you’re feeling up to it, return to your dormitory. You’re excused from classes for the rest of the day, but you need to rest.”  
  
“Okay,” Sirius agreed, settling himself in bed. He fidgeted around, attempting to get comfortable. He felt quite pleased with himself and his performance. He had been quite certain that he was going to be figured out. Still. He began to frown, his mind racing. _The only reason she’s not suspicious is your weight. You still weigh too much for anyone to be worried._ Sirius bit his lip, his stomach starting to turn. He breathed in deeply through his nose, trying to calm himself. _It’s not like there’s anything to throw up, I haven’t eaten in two days._

* * *

Sirius dozed off after a while, remaining asleep until he was shaken awake by a frantic James, Peter, and Remus.  
  
“Mmm, I was sleeping,” Sirius muttered, glancing up blearily as he fully woke.  
  
“You scared the piss out of me, you bloody wanker. What the hell happened?” James demanded, smacking Sirius’ arm.  
  
“You can thank yourself for that one, mate. Working me too damn bloody hard during your practices. I’ve barely had time to sleep, the way you keep us busy,” Sirius retorted.  
  
James’ expression softened, slightly. “S’pose you’re right about that. I mean, Longbottom and Jones were complaining about the intensity as well. I’m sorry, Pads,” James said apologetically.  
  
“S’alright. Hey, Poppy. Can I go back to the dorms?” Sirius called out, attempting to garner Madam Pomfrey’s attention.  
  
“Very well. But remember, I said to relax. Get some sleep. You need to rest,” she said, shaking a warning finger at him.  
  
“Mhmmm, don’t worry. I’ll be heading right up to bed,” Sirius replied happily, jumping out of bed.  
  
“So, let’s get out of here, shall we?” Sirius asked, turning to his friends.  
  
Once safely out in the hall, James turned to Sirius.  
  
“Shall we grab a bite to eat before we return you to the dorm?” he asked, seeming to test Sirius for his reaction.  
  
“Surely,” Sirius agreed, knowing better than to protest.  
  
He followed his friends down to the Great Hall, where they were joined by Lily.  
  
“Sirius, are you okay?” she asked worriedly, taking a seat beside James.  
  
“Yeah. Just exhausted from all of our darling Prongsie’s damned quidditch practices,” Sirius replied, sticking to his story he’d given Pomfrey.  
  
“Speaking of which... We’ve got practice tonight, Pads. Eat up, right? Need your strength,” James said, taking a large bite of his sandwich.  
  
Remus stared at James, deadpanned. “James. He passed out. In class. Do you really think he’s fit to be going to practice tonight?”  
  
“Oh. Right.”  
  
“I’ll be there, Prongs. I’ll be fine. Get some sleep this afternoon and whatnot so I’ll be good to go,” Sirius replied, beginning to fill his plate.  
  
He helped himself to several heapings of lettuce, as well as a slice of whole wheat bread. Slowly, mechanically, he brought bite after bite of lettuce to his mouth, chewing slowly.  
  
“Oi, mate. You need protein,” James objected, motioned towards Sirius’ plate.  
  
Sirius stared blankly ahead, ignoring James’ comment. He reached for the slice of bread, tearing it into small pieces. He ate the bread in similar fashion to the lettuce, taking small bites and chewing eleven times before swallowing, followed by a gulp of water. He stood once his plate was cleared. “I’m going to head back up to the dorm and take a nap, I guess,” he announced.  
  
James opened his mouth to protest, but Sirius had already bolted off, halfway across the hall towards the doors. He turned to Remus, who simply shook his head, looking down at the table.  
  
“What on earth is going on with you boys?” Lily asked, confused by the somberness at the table.  
  
James opened his mouth to begin speaking, but Remus interrupted, saying, “No, James. It’s not your place.”  
  
“But-”  
  
“Prongs. This is between him and us. If he wants to say something, that’s on him.”  
  
James rolled his eyes, but nodded in agreement. “Alright, alright.”

* * *

Sirius groaned lowly as he was shaken awake by an overly enthusiastic James.  
  
“What?” he muttered, attempting to pull his comforter back over his head.  
  
”It’s time for quidditch!” James shouted, pulling Sirius’ covers off of him.  
  
“James,” Sirius said quietly, staring up at his friend.  
  
James paused, visibly uneasy from Sirius’ calm tone. “What?”  
  
“I’m exhausted. I... I don’t think I can go to practice today.”  
  
James nodded, took a deep breath, then exited the dorm, slamming the door as he left.  
  
“So why’d you really pass out in class, Pads?”  
  
Sirius glanced around, noticing that Moony was lying in his bed, the drapes half closed.  
  
“What do you mean by that?” Sirius asked, sitting up.  
  
“I mean, I’m not buying your ‘I’m too exhausted’ shit,” Remus replied, pulling his curtains open.  
  
“Well I’m sorry to disappoint you but that’s all there is to it!” Sirius yelled, his brows furrowed in anger. He dug around through his nightstand, in search of his cigarettes. Expertly, he lit one with his wand, taking a deep drag.  
  
“You can’t smoke in here,” Remus noted, getting out of bed.  
  
Sirius shrugged in response, taking another drag.  
  
“Are you deaf? I said you cannot smoke in here.”  
  
“So go get McGonagall, Moony, perfect prefect,” Sirius retorted, blowing a smoke ring in his face.  
  
Remus stared at him for a moment, looking as though he’d been slapped.  
  
“Screw you, Sirius. I just..” he paused, looking both furious and upset, “you want to kill yourself? Fine, go on with it. I don’t care.”  
  
With that said, he stormed off, slamming the door shut.  
  
Sirius continued to smoke, lighting another cigarette with the end of his nearly spent one. He grabbed the bottle of diet pills tossed aside in his bedside drawer and dumped several into his hand. He took them all at once, chasing them with a sip of water. He felt irritable, and since he was still out of speed, these would have to do for now. _May as well go down to practice._ He rose to his feet, grabbing the clothing nearest him and beginning to get dressed. Once adequately clothed, he headed off for the quidditch pitch, to hopefully smooth things over with James.

* * *

“Remus?” Lily asked, standing before him.  
  
“Hmm?” Remus replied, looking up. He had been in a daze, staring at the fireplace. After his outburst in the dorm, he had escaped to the common room, hiding in a corner couch close to the fire.  
  
“Mind if I join you?” Lily asked, offering him a small smile.  
  
“Sure,” Remus agreed, nodding.  
  
Lily took a seat beside him, turning slightly to face him. “Something bothering you, Rem?” she asked.  
  
“No... What makes you say that?”  
  
“Remus... I know you. You’re staring despondently into the fire. What’s wrong?”  
  
Remus shrugged.  
  
“Does it have to do with what happened at lunch? With Sirius?”  
  
“He’s just infuriating, Lils,” Remus said quietly, laughing a little.  
  
“How so?”  
  
“You mean besides the fact that he’s Sirius Black?”  
  
Lily laughed heartily at his remark, her cheeks flushing slightly. “He _is_ a prat,” she agreed, shaking her head slightly. She paused, staring into the fire for a few minutes.  
  
“I couldn’t help but notice that you and James have been giving Sirius a bit of a hard time about eating,” she said suddenly, turning to make eye contact with Remus.  
  
Remus remained silent. Even though he was angry, he wasn’t going to betray Sirius’ trust. Even if he _was_ a prat. It wasn’t his secret to tell.  
  
“He... Sirius has an eating disorder of some sort, doesn’t he?” Lily asked, right eyebrow raised slightly.  
  
Remus shrugged, unsure of how to respond. “What makes you say that?”  
  
Lily shrugged, twirling the ends of her coppery locks around her finger. “Well, his weight fluctuates. He looked... healthier, when we started term, and now... he looks like he’s lost weight.”  
  
Remus nodded in agreement.  
  
Lily frowned. “Sometimes he reminds me of my sister... She’s bulimic and... when she’s been purging a lot, her cheeks get puffy... and I’ve noticed his face has looked swollen pretty frequently, lately.”  
  
“He doesn’t want help, Lily,” Remus said quietly, staring down at his lap.  
  
“He’s your friend. You don’t just give up on your friends, even if they’re pushing you away.”  
  
“This isn’t anything new, Lils.”  
  
“How long?”  
  
“Years... at least since fourth year. Probably longer. He can’t seem to get away from it, Lily. Every time I feel like I can finally exhale and relax, thinking he’s okay, he’s back at it again, bloody starving himself. And now, lately, puking. It...” he trailed off, staring into the flames  
  
. “What, Remus?”  
  
“The vomiting scares me, Lils. He hasn’t done that since he was really bad off, in fourth year. And he seems like he’s constantly doing it and no one can stop him and he’s an adult now, so there’s no way to even force him to get treatment,” Remus said softly, squeezing his eyes shut. He felt guilty, admitting this to Lily. After all, it wasn’t his secret to tell. _But still, she already knows what’s been going on, so obviously it isn’t so big of a secret, is it?_  
  
“Have you tried talking to him about it?” Lily asked.  
  
Remus nodded, sighing. “I told him I was worried... he told me not to look, if I couldn’t deal with seeing him like this.”  
  
“What about James?”  
  
“James can’t deal with Sirius and his _problems_. It’s too much for him to deal with, so he sees what he wants to. If Sirius says he’s fine, James goes with it,” Remus scoffed, rolling his eyes.  
  
Lily frowned, folding her hands in her lap.  
  
“Remus... do you think he’s taking drugs?” she asked quietly.  
  
“No... why?”  
  
She twirled her hair, looking uneasy. “Well... it’s just... Mary said her diet pills went missing the other day.”  
  
Remus gaped at Lily, speechless.  
  
He shut his eyes, rubbing his temples. _What the fuck is he doing?_  
  
“I’m getting a migraine Lily. Think I’m going to go lie down,” Remus said, standing suddenly.  
  
Lily nodded, and Remus stalked off, back towards the dorms, his mind racing. _What am I going to do?_


	7. And You're My Obsession, I Love You to the Bone

Sirius stared miserably at his breakfast, moving the food around on his plate with his fork. He had arrived late, only to find James had prepared a plate for him: scrambled eggs, sausage, and toast heavily spread with butter and jam. Sirius felt his stomach turn as he poked at the sausage, the grease oozing out onto the plate. Practice the night before had been rather grueling, and his head was pounding. He dug his nails into his thigh, in an attempt to distract himself from his friends’ unnerving stares. _Don’t make a scene, don’t protest._ To his ire, even Lily appeared to be taking a particular interest in watching Sirius eat, or rather, his lack of eating.  
  
“Everything alright, mate?” James asked, pointedly.  
  
Sirius opened his mouth to begin to reply, but was saved by the arrival of the post. A large snowy owl approached him, arriving with a parcel and a letter. He gave the owl a bit of toast, and he soared off. Sirius smiled at the familiar handwriting on the letter. Sure enough, Evelyn had replied to his frantic plea. He opened the letter, reading it quickly.  
  
_Sirius, attached you’ll find what you requested. Sorry about the delay, that Clara was sort of a real twat. Seemed awfully concerned about whether I knew you... Did you shag her, Siri? Not that I care. It’s dull here, in London. I must admit, I’m looking forward to your Christmas break, so at least I’ll have some company. Well, company I actually like. If I have to have tea with one more former classmate, having them ask me how I stay so thin, asking me for tips, I might bloody well kill myself. If it weren’t for mother, I’d start advising them on the benefits of starving, or better yet, the art of the purge. Speaking of which, I hope you’re not still doing that, Sirius. You’re far too handsome to mess with your features by having puffy cheeks. The Malfoy-Black wedding will be on Christmas Eve, at dusk. You may as well come stay with me in London, since you should be leaving Hogwarts that Friday. You never did explain to me the circumstances regarding your family... When you arrive, we’ll have to go out and get you fitted for a new set of dress robes... No doubt you’ve lost weight since I’ve seen you last. I mentioned to mum that you were going to be escorting me to the wedding. She seemed rather ecstatic, the thoughts of a potential betrothal to a member of the Ancient and Most Noble House of Black running through her head, no doubt. She’ll have us married off before you can say quidditch. I kid. However, if you think about it, we would make a rather good pair, you can’t deny it. If nothing else, it’d get our families off our backs about our eating, and would secure your inheritance, marrying a suitable pure-blooded girl like myself. I’ll meet you at the train, if that’s acceptable. Take care of yourself. Love, Evie_  
  
Sirius folded the letter, shoving it into his pocket before prying eyes could read over his shoulder.  
  
“Who’d you get a letter from?” James asked, curiously.  
  
“Evelyn,” Sirius replied shortly, shoving the package that had arrived with it into his pocket, as well.  
  
“Ooohh, what about?” Lily gushed, obviously excited to hear that a female was writing to him.  
  
“Just the details about the wedding. She’s going to meet me at the train when we go home for the holidays. We have to go shopping, apparently,” he replied, rolling his eyes.  
  
He was dreading shopping. He hated getting fitted for robes. He found it unnerving, the way Madam Malkin clicked her tongue every time he came in, always needing to get his robes taken in, even when he had grown several inches taller. Sirius hated that conflicting feeling he had; he felt a rush when he needed a smaller size in clothing, when his current clothes and robes became too loose, yet he hated others looking at him with worry, or worse, pity. Before he had left home, he had always had his mother perform some sort of shrinking spell on his clothes when they grew too loose, saving himself the judgmental looks of having to go out and buy smaller sizes. Perhaps, he thought, he would have to do some research to learn those spells; his jeans were getting looser by the day. _After all, I’ve lost nearly twenty pounds since mid-September._  
  
“So, do you think you and Evelyn might go together?” Pete asked, breaking Sirius’ train of thought.  
  
“Hmm?” he asked, not clearly hearing what he had been asked.  
  
“You and Evelyn. Have you thought about dating her?”  
  
“Like I’d want to be tied down to some bloody bird,” he scoffed, pushing his plate forward.  
  
“I’ve gotta run. I need to ask Slughorn about that essay we have due next week,” he said, excusing himself.

* * *

Sirius hurried up the stairs to the room of requirement, eager to have a minute alone. He ripped open the parcel he had received, smiling at the contents. Evelyn had been so kind as to send him three vials of amphetamines, as well as a vial of what appeared to be off-white powder. Attached to that vial was a note. _Siri, I thought you might enjoy giving this a try. It’s coke. I’ve been frequenting muggle discotheques to curb my boredom, and they’re rife with this stuff. It’s like speed, in that it curbs your appetite and gives you loads of energy, but it’s even better; it makes you feel attractive and completely alone. You’ll love it. Enjoy! Love, Evie_  
  
Sirius pocketed the vial of cocaine, as well as two of the three vials of amphetamines. He dumped a few out of the third into his hand, then pocked that one as well. He carefully crushed the loose pills up, snorting the powder quickly. He sat down on the couch for a moment, breathing in and out of his nose slowly, relishing the bitter drip down his throat. He felt wired now, the drugs taking their course. Satisfied, he returned to the dorms, which he found, to his delight, empty. Not in the mood to go down to class, Sirius decided to write back to Evelyn. He wandered down to the common room, armed with parchment, ink, and quill, and sat at a table near a fire place. “It’s so cold in here,” Sirius muttered, shivering involuntarily.  
  
In fact, Sirius felt cold all the time. It seemed as though he had a permanent chill coursing through his veins. He stared into the fire for a while, considering what he wanted to say. Slowly, he began to piece together his thoughts, jotting down a few sentences at a time onto the parchment. Once he was finished, he read over the letter, making sure he was satisfied with it.  
  
_Evie, thank you for your package. I appreciate it more than you know. I was starting to feel like I was dying. I must admit, I’m looking forward to enjoying your company over break, too. Everyone here is on my case, and it’s starting to annoy me. I guess they’re worried, or whatever. I passed out in Potions the other day, which certainly didn’t help my case in convincing my friends that I’m okay. They don’t understand all of this; the needing control. Not like you do. I have to go back and see Perkins in January, and I know he’s going to give me shit. How are you doing? You seemed really... sad, the last time I saw you. You weren’t in love with Lucius, were you? Did you find a dress yet for the wedding? I’m fine with you meeting me at the train. I’m going to be spending the holidays with the Potters. Truthfully, I should probably start looking for a flat of my own. I mean, I’ll be out of school in six months. Might as well have somewhere to call home, once I’m out. I was thinking I’d like to live in London. It is home, after all. Maybe you could come with me to look. I’m looking forward to seeing you soon. Sirius_  
  
He paused, considering. Should he write ‘Love, Sirius’? He frowned, staring down at the parchment. He’d never considered such things, before. After all, he wasn’t her boyfriend. And he wasn’t in love with her, was he? Sirius wasn’t good with emotions. He didn’t like getting attached to anyone, giving them any sort of control over him. It was easier, that way. He kept people at an arm’s length distance, and he remained safe and in control. _She doesn’t expect anything, she said it before. We’re just... whatever._ Shrugging, he folded the letter, satisfied. He carefully addressed the envelope to Evelyn, shoved the letter inside and sealed it. He returned his ink and supplies to the dorm, before venturing up to the Owlery. He sent the letter off, then returned to the dorm. He had skipped morning classes, and it was nearing time for lunch. Before he could consider what he felt like doing, James was at his side, grabbing him by the arm and dragging him out of the common room, muttering something about it being time to lunch, and where the bloody hell had he been all morning. Sirius let James drag him, feeling too shaky to do much of anything. It seemed that taking the diet pills with the amphetamine had exacerbated the side effects; Sirius felt like he was speeding, hard. His heart had been beating far more quickly than usual, which he found unnerving. He took his usual seat at their table, Peter at his side, James, Lily, and Remus across from him.  
  
“So, where were you?” Remus asked pointedly, staring at him.  
  
Sirius shrugged. “I wasn’t feeling well. Wrote a letter and relaxed in the dorm.”  
  
Remus rolled his eyes, turning his attention to his food.  
  
“You need to eat, Sirius,” James noted, digging into his plate, as well.  
  
“I’m not really hungry,” he protested, crossing his arms.  
  
“Why? It’s not like you actually ate breakfast,” Remus muttered, shaking his head.  
  
Sirius opened his mouth to protest, but was interrupted by James.  
  
“Sirius. Just eat, mate. We’re all tired of watching you play with your food.”  
  
“Why don’t you sod off, Jamie. I eat when I’m hungry. Sorry I don’t stuff my fucking face, like some of you do,” Sirius scoffed, snatching an apple from the fruit bowl.  
  
He bit into it angrily, forcing himself to swallow. James and Remus exchanged looks, rolling their eyes in unison.  
  
“Oh my god, stop it. I’ll eat, okay? Christ,” Sirius grumbled, grabbing the loaf of bread.  
  
He took two slices, placing them on his plate. He carefully scanned the table, settling for the jar of peanut butter. He spread a generous amount on both slices, making a sandwich. He stared at James and Remus in turn as he took bites of his sandwich. His throat burned as he choked the bites down, depending on gulps of water to swallow the sandwich. He ate quickly, swallowing a breath of air sharply as his stomach began to protest.  
  
“Was that so hard?” James asked lightly, laughing.  
  
_Yes_. He took a gulp of water, forcing himself to smile at his friend.  
  
“So you wrote back to Evelyn?” Lily asked, smiling and leaning forward, obviously interested in hearing about what Sirius assumed she thought was his love interest.  
  
“Yeah. Let her know the plans for the wedding sound good and all,” Sirius replied, shrugging his shoulders slightly.  
  
He clutched at his stomach, trying to suppress a groan. God, he felt sick.  
  
“You should invite her to Hogsmeade next time we go, the four of us could have a proper double date!” Lily suggested, smiling brightly.  
  
“Lils, she’s not my girlfriend. I don’t like...” he paused, swallowing to keep food down, “I don’t like her like that. She’s an old friend. She’s pretty, sure. But I just... I’m not the dating sort.”  
  
Lily prattled on about something or other, but Sirius wasn’t listening. He felt sweat beading along his hairline. His mouth was watering, anticipating the release of a purge. He was going to be sick. Thankfully, the lunch period ended, freeing Sirius from his friends’ watchful eyes. He sprinted up the stairs to the empty third corridor bathroom, where he collapsed on his knees before the toilet, his body involuntarily heaving up the contents of his stomach. He vomited until there was nothing left to come up, his eyes squeezed shut, wincing from the pain of his throat, of his chest, of his abdomen. He spat into the toilet, breathing heavily. As he glanced into the bowl, he saw something that made his blood run cold; blood. He had vomited up blood.

* * *

Sirius stared down at the blood in the toilet for some time, his heart pounding. _Maybe this is it. Maybe this is the part where I go into cardiac arrest and drop dead._ Sirius couldn’t help but roll his eyes at that notion; as if he could be so lucky. Shakily, he got to his feet, flushing the toilet, and wandering towards the sinks. He washed up quickly, his hands shaking. Grasping onto the sink for support, he stared into the mirror, taking in his appearance: hair hanging limp and flatter than usual, skin pale, dark circles around dark circles under his eyes, swollen glands. He looked a mess. He swallowed hard, wincing from the pain. His throat felt as though it were on fire. As the dizziness wore off, Sirius noted that he had a radiating pain in his stomach. It felt, he was quite certain, like his innards were burning. “Fuck,” he muttered to himself, leaning forward, resting his forehead against the cool mirror. He knew that this was not good. He had heard enough talk of it during his time in and out of the hospital and various treatment programs that vomiting blood was a bad sign. Sirius clutched at his chest. His heart was pounding in his chest, which frightened him. His heart raced pretty regularly from the pills and the purging and everything else, but usually it stopped, after a while. Why wasn’t it stopping? Gasping for a breath of air, Sirius staggered towards the wall, sliding down it, so that he was sitting on the bathroom floor, his back against the wall. He continued to clutch at his chest, heart pounding, his thoughts racing. _Something’s not right._ He pressed his hand harder against his chest, as the room began to spin. _It feels like it’s beating out of time._ Sirius stared ahead, too weak to move, his vision blurring and blacking out at times. He felt a sudden rush of light-headedness, and fell into the blackness.

* * *

Sirius woke with a start, confused. He glanced around manically, taking in his surroundings. “How did I get here?” he asked aloud.  
  
He was in his bed. But how on Earth? The last thing Sirius could remember was leaning against the wall in the third floor lavatory, his heart pounding. He glanced about the room hopefully, looking for someone, anyone to explain to him what had happened. Sirius bit his lip nervously. He felt uneasy, suddenly. If he had passed out, why had they brought him back to the dorm, and not the hospital wing? Sirius clutched at his chest, relieved that the pounding of his heart seemed to have ceased a little. Sirius turned his head towards the door, as he heard it creak open. “Moony,” he said, acknowledging his friend.  
  
Moony walked purposefully toward his friend, taking a seat on Sirius’ bed. He wasn’t smiling.  
  
“What’s up?” Sirius asked, trying to brighten the mood.  
  
Remus’ facial expression remained stoic, his green eyes boring holes into Sirius’ own gray ones.  
  
“What’s up?” Remus retorted, his inflection dry, his face still expressionless.  
  
“What’s up is you passed out, in the boy’s lavatory, Sirius. What’s up is that your heart was beating irregularly when I found you, which is probably the reason you passed out to begin with. What’s up is that you could have _died_ ,” Remus replied evenly, his voice dripping with acid.  
  
“I’m sorry, “ Sirius said softly, staring down at his comforter.  
  
Remus squeezed his eyes shut, letting out a heavy sigh. They sat in silence for a while, both at a loss for words.  
  
“You don’t see it, do you?” Remus said finally, his tone softer, gentler than before.  
  
“See what?” Sirius asked.  
  
“You don’t see how remarkably perfect you are, just as you are,” he elaborated, his eyes fixated on Sirius’.  
  
“I’m not perfect,” Sirius replied sullenly, arms folded across his chest.  
  
“I’ve thought about it, and maybe I haven’t been going about this the right way, Sirius. I’m sorry. For putting pressure on you about eating and making threats and everything else that’s been going on this year.”  
  
Sirius shrugged, muttering, “It’s fine.”  
  
“I can’t yell at you or threaten you or force you to do anything, Pads. I just... I want you to know that I’m concerned. Terrified, really. I’ve noticed.... Things, this incident, included, and it scares me. I think you’re struggling. But you can come to me, Sirius. James, Peter and I, we’re your family. We want to help you, to be able to support you.”  
  
Sirius nodded numbly, mute.  
  
“Pads. Don’t shut me out, please? I’m not trying to force you into treatment or tell you how to live your life. I just want you to know that you can talk to me. Confide in me, or whatever. You don’t have to do this alone, Siri.”  
  
“It’s not as bad as you all are making it out to be,” Sirius mumbled, staring down at his lap. “I just need to get back in control.”  
  
“Can I ask you something?” Remus asked quietly.  
  
“Sure. What?” Sirius retorted, bracing himself for what he assumed would be an awful, semi-accusatory question.  
  
“Are you happy?”  
  
Sirius stared at Remus for a moment, mouth agape, taken back by Remus’ question. He had not been expecting that one.  
  
“No,” Sirius admitted, regaining composure.  
  
“But then again, I never really have been. This is normal for me. You don’t understand... Everything with my family.. And.... I have so much darkness in me, Moony. It consumes me. And nothing I do, even running away from my family, can change that. It follows me. I can’t escape it.”  
  
Remus frowned, staring at his friend, who was so obviously in pain. He wanted to hug him, hold him tight until all the pain and hurt was gone. But he couldn’t, wouldn’t. Mates didn’t hug their friends, not in that way. He swallowed, mentally preparing for what he was going to say.  
  
“You’re not the only one with demons, Sirius. I’m pretty well-versed in the area, myself. I know that you have darkness, but there’s goodness, lightness, inside you as well. You don’t have to let this,” he paused, gesturing at Sirius, “or all the fucked up shit with your family win. It doesn’t have to be this way... don’t let it consume you, Siri. It’s not worth it, they’re not worth it. They didn’t deserve you, to begin with. They really did a fucking number on your mental state, didn’t they? You don’t even know how good you are, how brave and noble and caring and loyal you are.”  
  
Remus paused for a moment, beginning to feel drained from his emotional speech.  
  
“You deserve to be happy, Sirius. You don’t need to punish yourself as some sort of vague way of making up for not being enough to someone. You’re enough, just by being you. You don’t deserve this pain you’re feeling. You deserve to be loved, to have someone love you and show you loyalty as fiercely as you’ve shown to me and our fellow Marauders. Most importantly, you deserve some peace, Sirius. From your demons, or family, or whatever else it is that compels you to do this. I mean, Christ... you’re waging war on yourself, Pads. And the only casualty is yourself,” Remus said lowly, barely choking the last words out, his chest tight, tears threatening to trickle from where they currently were welled in the corners of his eyes.  
  
“Moony?” Sirius said suddenly, his voice barely above a whisper.  
  
“Yeah?” he replied.  
  
“Thanks. You’re a good friend. The best, really.”  
  
“Any time, Pads,” Remus replied, reaching out and placing his hand on Sirius’ shoulder. He held the position for a moment, staring into Sirius’ eyes.  
  
“I meant what I said... You can talk to me. I’m here, if you need someone to listen.”  
  
Sirius nodded, wiping at his eyes with the sleeve of his jumper.  
  
“Okay,” he agreed, nodding.  
  
Remus let go of him, standing up.  
  
“It’s about time to be heading down to dinner,” Remus said, trying to keep his expression neutral.  
  
“I’m not really feeling up to it at the moment,” Sirius said quietly.  
  
“Do you want me to bring you back something?”  
  
Sirius frowned, a guilty-looking expression on his face. “No thanks.”  
  
Remus nodded, trying to hide his disappointment. “Alright then. See you later,” he said, nodding to Sirius before leaving the dorm, heading down to dinner alone.

* * *

“So how did your talk go?” James asked, as Remus took a seat at the table.  
  
Lily and Peter watched on with similar interest. Remus shrugged. “I told him that if he wants to talk, he can come to use. That we’re here to listen. And that we’re not going to try and force him to get help. We just want him to be aware that we’re worried about him, and that if wants help, he can come to us. And that we’ll be supportive of him, regardless,” he replied, pouring himself a glass of water.  
  
He took a sip, sighing. “Could really go for a stronger drink, right about now,” he said dryly.  
  
“Did he receive it well?” Lily asked, looking towards Remus.  
  
Remus shrugged. “Well, he didn’t blow up at me like he’s done before. He just sat and listened, mostly. He didn’t make excuses or objections or anything... I think this actually sunk in for him. He knows he’s sick, I think. It’s just a matter of him wanting to get help. He seems... lost, for lack of a better word,” he explained.  
  
“Why exactly did he blow off this afternoon’s classes, anyway Moons?” James asked, in between forkfuls of his dinner.  
  
“He wasn’t feeling well. He went back up to the dorms to have a lie down,” Remus lied, helping himself to a dinner roll.  
  
Normally, he didn’t like to lie to his friends. However, he knew James, and was well aware that if the actual circumstances of how he had found Sirius were disclosed, James would go absolutely ballistic.  
  
“I think we should encourage him to pursue a relationship with that Evelyn girl,” Lily announced, decidedly.  
  
“What makes you say that?” Remus inquired, curious.  
  
“Well, you said it yourself, Rem, he seems lonely. Maybe having someone, like a significant other would help him. Offer him a stronger support system, make him feel better about himself,” she said, rattling off reasons.  
  
“Oi, we’re not a good enough support system?” James objected.  
  
“And what do you mean, feel better about himself? He’s a right arrogant git,” Peter interjected.  
  
Lily rolled her eyes. “I _meant_ that being in a relationship might give him a sense of stability. And honestly, Peter... He obviously can’t feel too good about himself if he’s doing what he’s been doing to himself,” she said darkly, her eyes shimmering with concern.  
  
James shrugged noncommittally. “I’unno. Never really took Pads to be the low self esteem sort.”  
  
Lily turned to Remus, looking for support.  
  
“I think she has a point, Prongs... The way he was talking to me earlier, it’s pretty clear that he’s feeling pretty bad. He kept talking about how he has this darkness in him, that consumes him. I think it’s pretty safe to say there’s a lot of self-hatred going on,” he said, clearing his throat.  
  
“See? She seemed to be in to him. And they’ve known each other for ages, so she must know all about his fucked up family... I think she could really help him,” Lily said, smiling brightly.  
  
“Sure you’re not just desperate to find another couple for us to double date with, Lils?” James teased, kissing Lily lightly on the neck.  
  
Remus couldn’t help but feel a pang of resentment as the others discussed getting Sirius settled into some sort of relationship. _Don’t think about it, let it go._  
  
“You’re right, Lily,” Remus said suddenly, injecting himself back into the group discussion. “Evelyn does seem to care for Sirius, and it probably would help him, to have someone.”  
  
The others nodded in agreement.  
  
“You know I was peaking over a bit when he was reading her letter this morning,” Peter divulged, grinning wickedly.  
  
“Oh? Go on,” James prompted, listening intently.  
  
“She wrote something about how they would make a good match. And she signed the letter ‘Love, Evie’ so she totally is sweet on him, I think,” he said excitedly, obviously thrilled to have such a scoop.  
  
Lily and James smiled, while Remus nodded in approval.  
  
“Maybe I could write her, inviting her to tea with us,” Lily suggested, glancing about at the others for their opinions.  
  
“I think that’s a bit much,” Remus replied stiffly. “Sirius wrote her back and I’m sure he’ll be receiving more letters from her. You two will have plenty of time to muddle about in their affairs, I assure you. For all we know, she could just show up in Hogsmeade, next time we’re there,” he continued, trying his hardest to be the voice of reason.  
  
“I suppose you’re right,” Lily agreed, smiling sheepishly.  
  
Dinner finished, the foursome stood.  
  
“Guess we better head back up to the dorms. Maybe go check on him?” James suggested, glancing at Remus for approval.  
  
“Yeah, I think so. Just don’t overwhelm him, Prongs,” Remus warned.  
  
“Oh come on, since when do I ever get overwhelming?”  
  
The group, save for James, collectively rolled their eyes. Silently, they exited the Great Hall, trudging up the steps, back towards Gryffindor Tower.

* * *


	8. You See, it's Never Bad Enough to Just Leave or Give Up, But it's Never Good Enough to Feel Right

The next day was the hardest for Sirius. He felt guilty, seeing the glum expression on Remus’ face when he shook his head at Remus’ suggestion that he join him and the others downstairs for breakfast. He felt uneasy, knowing that the others were watching him anxiously during classes, obviously fearing he would collapse out of nowhere. He felt a pang of guilt as James raised a single eyebrow in response to his claim that he wasn’t hungry, and would be studying in the library during lunch. During dinner, he felt even worse, picking at his meal while the others looked on in silence. He almost felt bad enough to forgo his nightly routine of running ahead of the others, to throw up dinner in the privacy of the third floor toilets. _Almost, but not quite._ Each day, it got easier. The excuses and lies came easier to him, as he shrugged off any comment or worried look his friends cast on him. He stopped feeling guilty for what he was doing, because, he rationalized, they had at long last come to understand that he needed this. He deserved it. This was his burden to bear. The rest of November and early December blurred by for Sirius, a whirlwind of classes and quidditch practices, speeding on his diet pills and amphetamine cocktails, of skipped meals and retched up ones in the solitude of the third floor lavatory. He found himself confused quite frequently, not sure of how he ended up where he was. Meanwhile, his friends watched on, stunned by the shell of what Sirius once was.  
  
The week before they were to leave for Christmas holidays, Sirius found himself retching up dinner in his usual stall of the third floor lav, his heart beating painfully fast in his chest. He looked down at the contents of the toilet, saw blood, yet shoved his fingers back down his throat, anyway. Blood no longer deterred him; he kept on until he was certain all he had been vomiting up for the past half hour was stomach bile. Shakily, he wiped his mouth with his sleeve. He stood carefully, his vision blurring and going all sparkly, as per usual. He exited the stall, stopping in his tracks as he saw a figure standing before him, by the sinks. “Rem?” Sirius muttered quietly.  
  
“I know I said I’d leave you be, but I don’t know if I can, much longer,” Remus replied softly, his green eyes staring into Sirius’ own gray ones.  
  
“I’m fine-”  
  
“You’re not fine, Sirius. You wander the halls like a ghost, and it frightens me. You don’t sleep. You barely eat. And when you do...” he trailed off, motioning towards the bathroom stalls.  
  
Sirius stared ahead, his heart racing. He clutched at his chest, silent.  
  
“What’s wrong with your chest? Why are you grabbing at it?” Remus half-shouted, stepping towards his friend.  
  
He grabbed at Sirius’ wrist, feeling for his pulse. “Your heart is racing, Sirius. And the rhythm feels off.”  
  
Sirius shrugged, hand still pressed to his chest. “Arrhythmia,” he replied, shrugging again.  
  
Remus squeezed his eyes shut, taking a deep breath in an attempt to calm himself. “How much do you weigh?” he asked, not sure he wanted to know the answer.  
  
“Dunno.”  
  
Remus eyed his friend, searching his face for the truthfulness of that statement.  
  
“Pomfrey said I was 8st when I was in the hospital wing for fainting in class,” he continued, shoving past Remus to walk towards the sink.  
  
Remus watched as Sirius washed his hands, examining his friend closely. Despite all, Sirius still looked infuriatingly handsome. His delicate features looked even more pronounced with his weight loss. His skin, though deathly pale, had a translucent glow to it that Remus couldn’t help but notice looked quite entrancing. The only dead giveaway to his friend’s pain and suffering was his eyes. His eyes were ringed with dark circles, testament to sleepless nights and growing fatigue. His eyes themselves, while still a lovely shade of gray, looked dull, lacking their usual sparkle. Looking in to Sirius’ eyes, it was plain to see that he was not well.   
  
“Come on,” Remus announced, grabbing Sirius by the arm.   
  
“What?” Sirius protested, attempting to pull back his arm.  
  
“We’re going to see what you weigh,” Remus announced, dragging Sirius out of the bathroom and down the hall.   
  
“Not the Hospital Wing, Moony, please,” Sirius begged, the fear apparent in his voice.  
  
Remus paused and turned to look at Sirius. “I’m not, it’s okay Siri,” he said softly, his voice gentler.  
  
Sirius allowed Remus to guide him to the Room of Requirement, not objecting one step of the way. He followed Remus inside, pausing at the sight of a scale. He turned to Remus, opening his mouth to protest.  
  
“Go on, Sirius. It stays between us. Please?” he begged, his green eyes filled with worry and concern.  
  
Nodding, Sirius stepped on the scale, staring straight ahead as Remus fiddled with the dials.  
  
“7st 2,” he said hollowly.  
  
Sirius stepped off the scale, careful to keep his expression neutral.   
  
“You’ve lost twelve pounds in about a month, Sirius,” Remus said softly, his voice barely above a whisper.  
  
“I’m okay, Moony. Please. Believe me.”  
  
“I have to go,” Remus said suddenly, shaking his head.   
  
Sirius watched his friend scurry from the room, leaving him alone. He sat down on a couch, resting his heads in his hands. He felt so unbearably tired. He sat there for a while, lost in his thoughts. The thought of Remus, of the sad expression on is face as he had observed him, cut deep in Sirius. But still, he couldn’t help but feel elated. 7st 2! Too tired to move, he curled up on the sofa, deciding to rest his eyes for a bit. Slowly, he drifted into a calm sleep.

* * *

The next morning, Sirius woke to find himself still in the Room of Requirement, alone. He shrugged, banishing nagging thoughts that none of his friends had bothered to come looking for him. _This is what you wanted, isn’t it?_ He sighed heavily, running his fingers through his knotted hair. _You wanted them to stay out of it, to leave you alone._ He dragged himself back to Gryffindor Tower, in dire need of a shower. He headed immediately into the bathroom, turning the shower water on hot. Casting locking and silencing spells, he undressed before the mirror, unable to resist his daily routine of examining himself. He stared intently at the mirror, scrutinizing his features. His hair was dirty and in desperate need of a wash, he noted. He frowned at the black rings under his eyes. They seemed to darken every day. He grazed his fingers against his sharp cheekbones, liking the way his face was beginning to look more angular, more mature, with each pound lost. His eyes darted down to his chest, and his fingers toyed with his collarbones before coming to rest on his now-prominent sternum. He fingered the outline of bone softly, inhaling sharply. His eyes continued to move downward, examining himself further, searching for flaw. He cupped his hipbones, a tingle of pleasure in his stomach as he turned to get a side view in the mirror. He smirked in satisfaction, seeing his sharp hipbones jutting out. His stomach was beginning to concave a little, his ribs more prominent than before, sticking out past his stomach when viewing his side profile. This satisfied Sirius to no end. He would be fully satisfied when his ribs became more visible, he decided, turning his attention to the shower. He stepped in, letting the hot water wash over him. His skin was turning red, radiating with heat, but Sirius paid it no mind. He set to work at washing his hair, breathing in the warm steam from the shower. Once clean, he exited the shower, involuntarily shivering as his body attempted to adjust to the vast temperature difference between the shower water and the coolness of the bathroom. He toweled off, wrapping his towel loosely around his hips, before turning his attention to his hair. He stood before the mirror, using his wand to dry his locks with a warm stream of air. Once satisfied, he combed through his raven colored locks, leaving his hair straight and shiny. He returned to the dorm, quickly dressing and heading off to class, aware that he was probably late for his second lesson of the day.  
  
Sirius sat in his usual place at the table in the Great Hall, staring miserably down at his plate. He had followed his friends to lunch, feeling guilty after Remus’ outburst the prior evening. However, now that he had a plate of food before him, and his friends were stealing glances at him in between bites of their own meals, he was beginning to regret his decision. He speared a leaf of lettuce with his fork, forcing his arm to near the fork to his mouth. He chewed slowly, counting in his head, _1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12. Swallow._ He reached for his goblet with a shaky hand, gulping down a sip of water and spilling some onto his shirt in the process. His eyes darted around nervously, checking to see if anyone had witnessed that. He groaned slightly as he felt his heart beat skittishly in his chest; he had taken a few more pills than usual, and he was positively speeding. He stared down at his plate, the amount of food, though no more than usual, seeming far too much for him to even consider ingesting. As he speared another mouthful of lettuce with his fork, his stomach roiled in protest, making Sirius feel overwhelmingly nauseated. He dropped his fork, ignoring the pointed stares as it clattered against his plate. He reached instead for his goblet, taking a long sip of the cool water. James eyed him carefully, opened his mouth to say something, then shut it, returning his gaze to his own plate of food. Sirius’ stomach roiled again, and he clutched at it, willing it to stop. Just as he was able to shove his plate forward, admitting defeat, and run off to quickly empty his stomach before Transfiguration, he felt a hand on his shoulder. Sirius went rigid, his heartbeat racing even faster.  
  
“Mr. Black, if I could have a word, please?”  
  
Sirius glanced over his shoulder, seeing Professor McGonagall standing behind him.   
  
“Of course,” he said quickly, rising to his feet. 

* * *

He followed McGonagall out of the Great Hall, silently. She led him to her office where she took a seat behind her desk, motioning for Sirius to sit as well.  
  
“Is everything alright, Mr. Black?” McGonagall asked, eyeing him carefully.  
  
“Yeah,” Sirius agreed, shrugging.   
  
“Several professors have expressed concern towards you, in regard to your recent behavior,” she continued, ignoring Sirius’ response.  
  
“Oh?” Sirius asked. “Like what?”  
  
“It’s been brought to my attention that you’ve been skipping classes, your attendance rather erratic in some subjects. Also, that you seem quiet and withdrawn, a stark difference between your usual boisterous demeanor.”  
  
“I’m passing all my subjects, aren’t I?” Sirius asked, beginning to frown.  
  
“Yes. Your marks haven’t dropped, I’ve been told. Still... there was the fainting incident that Professor Slughorn mentioned. He has mentioned that you frequently appear to be ill during his classes,” McGonagall continued, staring at Sirius, as though trying to read his thoughts.  
  
“I was tired. I don’t know... It’s NEWTS... There’s so much to be done and between that and Quidditch, of course I’m exhausted and too drained to do much else. You’d think you’d be pleased I’m not messing around causing mayhem with pranks,” Sirius scoffed, rolling his eyes.  
  
McGonagall bit at her lip, obviously concerned. “I’m concerned, Sirius, because the behavior you’ve been exhibiting is similar to that of your fourth year, before your-”  
  
“Please, just stop. I’m not sick, Professor. I’m fine,” Sirius interrupted, pleading.  
  
McGonagall sat silently for a moment, watching him. “I’ve noticed that you have been distant from your friends, lately.”  
  
Sirius shrugged. “James has Lily and Remus is busy with his studies,” he replied, easily.  
  
“It’s okay to admit if you’re struggling, Sirius,” she said softly, a pitying look on her face.  
  
Sirius shrugged again.  
  
“I know it was hard on you, learning that you wouldn’t be able to pursue Auror training, though you put on a brave face about it.”  
  
Sirius frowned, biting his lip. Obviously, denial wasn’t going to work on her. “I’m doing okay, Professor, really,” he started, staring down at his shoes. His chest hurt, and he squeezed his hand into a fist, to avoid his habit of grasping at his chest. He understood her concern. Obviously, she was more acutely aware of Sirius’ moods and tendencies than he had been aware. “I’ll be going back to see my Healer over break, for a checkup. He and I agreed that I needed more support because of the whole...” he trailed off, tears burning in the corners of his eyes. He blinked his eyes repeatedly, willing himself to stop the tears from flowing. _Damn it, get a fucking hold of yourself. Don’t bloody cry._  
  
“I’m glad that you’re being honest with your treatment team about where you are with all of this, Sirius. I know that this year has been difficult for you so far, given the circumstances,” McGonagall told him, offering him a tissue.   
  
Sirius took it, dabbing at his eyes. It was both humiliating and a relief to admit this to someone, that he was upset over the Auror situation. He would get over it, eventually, he was certain. However, he was unwilling to compromise his control over his body in order to find some sort of peace in regard to that loss. “Can I go to class now?” he asked suddenly, wanting to escape the unpleasantness of this confrontation.  
  
“Of course, Sirius. If you need anything, or want to talk, you can always come to me, you know,” she said softly, her eyes still glazed with concern over him.  
  
Sirius nodded. “Sure.”  
  
Not bothering to wait for a response, he exited the office, his nausea rolling over him once again. He hurried down the hall to the nearest bathroom, throwing himself onto his knees, hurling up the contents of his stomach. “Here we are again,” he muttered to himself, spitting a mouthful of bile into the toilet.   
  
He looked down, saw red, and proceeded to shove his index and middle fingers down his throat, again. Once satisfied that there was nothing left to throw up, he stared down into the bowl, leaning on the seat for support. He smiled a weary smile, exhausted, his throat and insides burning, but he was satisfied because he felt empty.

* * *

“How was your week, Remus?”  
  
Remus shrugged, crossing his arms over his chest. It was Wednesday afternoon, and he was yet again sitting through another infuriating session with Elaine Kingston. The past two weeks he’d been in too foul a mood to even say anything, but had rather sat silently, brooding.  
  
“Have you thought about what we discussed a few weeks ago?”  
  
Remus paused, thinking.   
  
_The week after his first session, he had returned, ready to discuss why he felt angry at Sirius. “He’s just... He’s bloody fucking perfect, you know?” he had said, hands shaking slightly. “It’s like he’s got everything, he’s handsome and loyal and smart and he doesn’t even see it. He has everything, everything anyone could ever wish for, and it’s still not enough for him. He still does this shit to himself.” Elaine had asked him to go on, to explain why that made him so angry. He had felt a lead weight drop in his stomach, coming to a realization about what the real issue was. He had refused to answer, after that, and had remained silent at the following sessions._ “Yes, I’ve thought about it,” Remus sneered. Like he could have thought about anything else?  
  
“And?”  
  
Remus stared ahead, struggling to find the words to say, to explain what he was feeling. He took a deep breath, praying to whatever was out there to give him the strength to admit to this, to whatever it was that he felt. “I’m angry because if he can have so many amazing attributes and still find flaw in himself, then what hope does that give me?” he said quietly, his heart pounding against his chest.  
  
Elaine sat before him, nodding intently, writing down something on his file. “And what do you mean by that, what hope does it give you?” she asked, still making eye contact with him.  
  
“I... I have feelings for him. For Sirius. Romantically. And... there’s no way he could ever want me, that way. I mean, look at me. I’m a werewolf. A suicidal werewolf. A bloody pouf suicidal werewolf!”   
  
“You mentioned before that you worried for him, for his health.”  
  
Remus nodded in agreement. “He’s worse than ever,” he said softly.  
  
“Have you tried to reach out to him, voice your concern?”  
  
He nodded, growing frustrated. “I did. I just... There’s nothing I can do! I tried threatening him into getting better, and that did nothing. And I tried giving him space, but all that did was let him have free reign on being self destructive. I can’t even look at him, right now, without wanting to shake him, scream at him to snap the hell out of this,” Remus said, gripping the arm of his chair tightly. He paused for a moment, suddenly aware of the fact that he had been screaming.   
  
“Have you ever expressed your romantic interest towards him, to him?” Elaine asked, unperturbed by his outburst.  
  
Remus stared blankly at her, rolling his eyes. “No. Of course not. He... none of my friends, know that I don’t fancy birds.”  
  
“Your friends care about you. I’m sure they’d understand.”  
  
Again, Remus rolled his eyes. “They want to pair Sirius up with Evelyn, seem to think that she will solve everything, make him okay again,” he said bitterly, biting furiously at his lower lip.   
  
“Who is Evelyn?” Elaine asked, eyeing him curiously.  
  
“Some girl he knows. She’s two years older than us,” Remus snapped, waving his hand dismissively.   
  
“You seem angry.”  
  
“I’m not. Whatever helps him, I guess,” Remus replied, crossing his arms again.  
  
“Are you upset that your friends’ attempt at matchmaking would take your chance with Sirius away from you? Elaine asked, writing something down on his file.  
  
Remus shrugged. “No... yes... I don’t know. Maybe? I mean, he’s shagged her before. He probably fancies her,” he replied bitterly, staring down at his feet.   
  
His stomach knotted, roiling about as he thought of the day at Hogsmeade where he’d found Sirius by the Shrieking Shack, broken and alone, smelling of sick and sex. He shook his head, dismissing the thought.  
  
“Enough about Sirius, for now. How have _you_ been feeling, Remus?” Elaine coughed, changing the subject.  
  
“I still wish I was dead,” Remus replied hollowly, staring out the window behind Elaine Kingston’s head.   
  
He continued to stare blankly, blocking out the sound of Elaine’s voice, as she spoke to him.  
  
“Well?” she said finally, breaking Remus’ concentration.  
  
Remus stood, shrugging his shoulders defiantly. “Therapy is bullshit,” he said, before turning on his heel and exiting the office.

* * *

Remus returned to the castle, still in a foul mood from his therapy session. _I don’t know what I expected_ , he thought miserably, stomping back towards Gryffindor Tower. _A bloody fucking hug, telling me it’s okay you’re queer for your best mate, who is most likely straight?_ He walked blindly, lost in his thoughts, until he felt himself walking directly into another body, falling back in surprise.  
  
“Remus!” a familiar voice shouted out.  
  
Remus shook his head slightly, realizing that he had collided right into Lily in his rush to return to the dorms.  
  
“Sorry about that,” he mumbled, helping Lily to her feet.  
  
“S’all right... you look upset, Remus. What’s going on?” she asked, taking in the grim expression on Remus’ face.  
  
“It’s nothing,” he replied, brushing her concern off.  
  
“It’s him isn’t it?” she asked, throwing Remus off-guard.  
  
“Lily,” Remus started, before pausing. He wasn’t sure where to begin, how to explain, or if he even wanted to.   
  
“Yes?” she asked, offering Remus a supportive smile.   
  
Remus stared into her eyes, vividly recalling Lily’s hopeful smile and banter regarding a potential Sirius-Evelyn pairing. He shook his head, deciding to keep silent.  
  
“Just had a bloody annoying therapy session. I’ve gotta get to class, don’t want to be late,” he said quickly, brushing past his friend and continuing on towards the dorms.  
  
He felt guilty, pushing his friend away like that, but still, he reasoned, he had no choice but to. It was safer, he decided, keeping his feelings regarding Sirius to himself. The last thing he needed was Lily’s pitying looks. He marched onward, until he reached the dorms, where he threw himself on his bed, burying his face in his pillow. He breathed in and out deeply, his tears silent, as he weeped for himself, for Sirius, for the unfairness that was his life.

* * *

It had been over a week since Remus had left Sirius alone in the Room of Requirement. A week since Remus had even made eye contact with him, had even bothered to look in his direction. _He’s disgusted by me_. He examined his right hand, taking in the redness and swelling of his index and middle fingers. He noted the scar just above his index finger’s knuckle, from scraping his teeth against skin as he shoved his fingers down his throat. After Remus’ refusal to look at him during his first meal back after his confrontation, Sirius had elected to skip every meal since. He lightly touched his stomach, grinning in satisfaction as he felt the tightness of muscle. He shakily pulled himself to his feet; he had been seated before the toilet in his dorm’s bathroom for the past forty minutes, too dizzy to even consider standing before this point. Since the omission of actual meals, Sirius had been functioning on a diet of strictly water and his pills, though that didn’t stop his intermittent spells of nausea. The only difference now was that he was vomiting up only water and bile. _And blood,_ he thought, smirking slightly. He couldn’t help but feel a sick sort of satisfaction every time he saw blood mixed in with his stomach bile and spit. It reminded him, in some sort of way, that he was doing what needed to be done, that he was freeing himself of sin.   
  
He wandered towards the mirror, staring hatefully at his reflection. Pale skin, ever darker circles under his eyes. His thoughts drift to Moony, his heart fluttering slightly in his chest. _Moony_. He hated this, their not speaking. Somehow, it hurt more for him to avoid Moony, rather than the others. He sighed regretfully, cursing himself for pushing Remus away. _Maybe if you’d been honest with him, told him all the sordid details, he wouldn’t have pushed you away when he saw what you’ve been doing._ He grabbed his shaving kit, pulling out a single-edged razor blade. Carefully, he rolled up the sleeve of his left arm, revealing the pale whiteness of his left inner forearm, as well as a handful of red lines, healing wounds. He placed the razor against his skin, digging deep, scratching a line down his arm. He stared, watching intently as blood began to pool around the edge of the razor blade, small droplets falling, falling, landing on his robes, on the floor. Sirius wiped off the blade with his robes, returning it to his shave kit. He stared at his arm, feeling calm. It had been years since he had resorted to this, cutting, to take the edge off. _Blast you, Moony_. Carefully, he began applying pressure to the cut, to stop the bleeding. He breathed in deeply, reveling in the calming effects of the endorphins released in his brain, brought upon by the cutting. His heartbeat had slowed, considerably and he felt okay. It was nice, really. Most of the time his heart was racing, either from the drugs or the mania of starving, or both.   
  
Once sure the bleeding was under control, he pulled down his sleeve, returning to his reflection in the mirror. He forced a smile, trying to recreate his signature ‘eat your heart out’ grin. As he stared at himself in the mirror, smiling, a cryptic thought crept into his head. _You can only hold a smile for so long. After that, it’s just teeth._ Sirius laughed manically, finding this thought thought hilarious. He exited the bathroom, returning to the dorm room, where he found Remus sprawled out on his bed. “Moony?” Sirius asked, hovering over him.  
  
“Mmmmf,” Remus muttered, face still pressed against his pillow.  
  
“You alright, mate?” Sirius asked, concerned.   
  
It wasn’t like Moony to skip classes, to be holed up alone in the dorm. In the library, perhaps, his nose in a book, but not lying depressively in bed. _That’s more my thing._   
  
“I’m fine,” Moony said finally, his voice muffled by the pillow.  
  
Sirius frowned, sitting down next to Remus on the bed.  
  
“What, you can’t even stand to look at me?” he asked, sadly.  
  
“Remus pulled his head up, looking up at Sirius, taking in his frown.  
  
“No... I’m just having a rotten day.”  
  
“What’s wrong?”  
  
“Therapy is bullshit.”  
  
Sirius nodded in agreement. “Pretty much.”  
  
Remus sat up, sitting next to Sirius on the edge of the bed. They sat in silence for a few minutes.  
  
“You’ve been avoiding me,” Sirius said suddenly, staring down at his feet.  
  
“No, I haven’t. You’re the one who’s been skipping meals,” Remus replied, his voice mildly accusatory.   
  
“Because you won’t even look at me.”  
  
“Sirius,” Remus said, sighing.  
  
“What?”  
  
“I don’t know what to say to you. I don’t know how to help you. You’re just so... I don’t know what to do.”  
  
Sirius shrugged his shoulders, biting his lower lip. “I know. I’m sorry.”  
  
“You know you’re sick, right?” Remus asked quietly.  
  
“I’m okay.... I know what I’m doing, Moony. I’m in control. I... I need this,” Sirius replied, his voice wavering slightly.   
  
_I’m not the only one he’s trying to convince, with that_ , Remus thought sadly, placing his hand lightly on Sirius’ shoulder.  
  
“I’m sorry I walked out like that, the other day. I just... you worry me, you know. I mean, twelve pounds is a lot to lose in a month, Pads.”  
  
Sirius nodded in a way he hoped would be conveyed as understanding, his thoughts racing. _If you knew how much I’ve really lost since September, what would you think, Moony?_ He was acutely aware that if Remus was having a conniption about twelve pounds lost in a month’s time, he’d be totally up in arms and freaked out if he knew that Sirius had shed thirty pounds since mid-September.   
  
“If you want to talk about... things. My offer still stands, you know. I won’t freak out, or at least I’ll try not to,” Moony continued, hand still placed on Sirius’ shoulder.   
  
Sirius nodded, feeling comforted by the close contact.   
  
“Okay. I’ll keep it in mind,” Sirius agreed, offering his friend a small smile.   
  
Remus nodded, removing his hand. “Guess we should probably go to class, right?” he asked, smiling back at Sirius.  
  
Sirius nodded in agreement. “Yeah, bloody McGonagall will have both our heads if we skiv off Transfiguration, _yet again._ ”  
  
The pair headed off to class, both feeling much less tense than they had in over a week.


	9. I'm a Failure by Design

“So what’s the plan, mate?” James asked, as he busied himself packing up some of his belongings. It was early Friday morning, at last time for everyone to head home for the Christmas holidays.  
  
Sirius looked up from his own frantic packing, making eye contact with his friend. “I’m staying at Evelyn’s in London tonight and tomorrow after the wedding, and then I’ll apparate over at a respectable hour Christmas morning to spend the rest of the holiday with you,” he replied, eyeing James to make sure he was okay with the arrangement.  
  
“As long as you get back in time for presents. Otherwise mum and dad will be right cross with you,” James replied, cracking a smile.  
  
“No worries,” Sirius assured him, continuing to haphazardly toss some of his belongings into his suitcase.   
  
Sirius was a bit anxious about returning to the Potter household. Mrs. Potter had always had a tendency to mother him, a foreign concept to him, really, and he worried she would pick up on his weight loss and fret over him. He shook his head, banishing the thought from his mind.   
  
“You two tossers will be joining us for New Year’s, yes?” Sirius asked, looking to Remus and Peter, in turn.   
  
The two nodded in agreement, offering exclamations that they wouldn’t miss the Potters’ annual New Year’s bash for the world.   
  
Sirius glanced around the room once he was packed, checking to see if everyone else was ready. “Shall we head down?” he asked, once certain his friends were packed and ready to go.  
  
The group exited the dorm, meeting up with Lily once they reached the common room. Together, they wandered down the stairs of the castle, headed into Hogsmeade to catch the Hogwarts Express back to London. They quickly boarded the train, packing into a compartment together, to ensure they had privacy for their voyage back. Sirius took a seat next to Remus, watching bemusedly as James and Lily cozied up together, leaving Peter looking rather embarrassed at the sight. “Excited for the wedding?” Remus asked, turning to him.  
  
Sirius shrugged in response. “It’ll be awful, I’m sure. But I told Evie I’d go... she’s been having a rough go of things. I felt bad.”  
  
“Isn’t it weird for her, to be going to Malfoy’s wedding, after she dated him all those years at school?” James asked, glancing towards Sirius.  
  
“That was my point, Jamie, you dolt,” Sirius laughed, shaking his head.  
  
Lily wrinkled her nose in disgust. “I didn’t realize she was one of _those people_ ,” she commented. “She seemed so nice.”  
  
“She _is_ nice, Lils. Just because she dated some pure-blooded maniac doesn’t make her rotten. I mean Christ, I’m a fucking _Black_ and I’m not like my family,” Sirius replied, growing defensive.   
  
“She didn’t mean it like that, mate,” James interjected, coming to his girlfriend’s defense.  
  
Remus remained silent, arms crossed against his chest.   
  
“You alright, Rem?” James asked, noting his friend’s sullenness.   
  
Remus nodded sharply, arms still crossed.  
  
“So what is she wearing to the wedding?” Lily asked, leaning forward.   
  
“I’unno. Some muggle gown, probably. Evelyn likes to be... different,” he explained, pausing to think of how to explain Evelyn.   
  
Sirius closed his eyes, growing tired of the idle chitchat. His head was aching, and the motion of the train was making him feel ill. _Should have just apperated from Hogsmeade _. Still, he considered, that probably wouldn’t have been the best idea. He was feeling jittery and dizzy, and knowing his luck he would have probably splinched himself. He winced at the thought of it. He stared out the window, letting his thoughts wander. Out of the corner of his eye, he watched Remus, busy reading a book. He couldn’t help but smile at the furrow in Remus’ brow as he read, obviously trying to comprehend whatever material he was reading at the moment. The natural sunlight cascading through the windows shone on his hair, revealing the natural golden highlights in his otherwise mousy brown looking hair. Sirius admired Remus for many reasons, far beyond his slight build and supple physique. Remus embodied so many things which Sirius was not. He liked the way Remus was calm, even-tempered, never letting his emotions get the best of him. So unlike Sirius himself, who’s moods came and went, and who was infamous for acting rashly. He wished he possessed the ability to have such control of himself, to handle himself with such grace. All too often, Sirius felt as though he were falling, always just a split-second away from falling apart and losing control over himself, his life. He envied how genuinely good Remus was. Sirius thought darkly to the prior year’s incident. He had betrayed Moony’s trust, having lost his temper with Snape. Sirius was all too aware of the darkness within him; it had been easy, too easy, to tell Snape how to get past the Whomping Willow. In that moment, his hatred for Snape had been so great, human life meant nothing to him. Though he’d deny it vehemently to his friends, Sirius felt the truth nagging deep within him. _I wouldn’t have been sorry if he’d been killed_.   
  
“Sirius,” Remus said softly, his hand resting gently on Sirius’ shoulder.  
  
“Hmm?” Sirius asked, shaking his head to clear his thoughts.  
  
“We’re here. You alright?”  
  
Sirius nodded, standing. He followed James and Lily out of the compartment, Remus and Peter trailing behind him. Once safely on the platform, he offered James and Lily hugs, wishing them a Happy Christmas, and promising James that he’d be home in time for presents Christmas morning. He offered Pete a Happy Christmas before turning to Lupin.   
  
“Have a Happy Christmas, Moony,” Sirius said quietly, offering his friend a small smile.  
  
“You too, Pads. And please? Try and eat over the holiday. Please?” he asked, pleadingly.  
  
Sirius shrugged. “I’ll try,” he said, spotting Evelyn waiting for him further down on the platform.  
  
“I’ll see you on New Year’s?” Sirius asked, looking at Remus expectantly.  
  
“Of course, mate. Have a good time at the wedding.”  
  
The pair exchanged a quick hug before they set off their own ways, Sirius towards Evelyn and Remus towards his mother.  
  
“Sirius. So good to see you,” Evelyn greeted him, pulling Sirius into a deep embrace.  
  
“Good to see you too, Evie,” Sirius replied, offering her a quick peck on the cheek.  
  
“Shall we get going?” she asked, smiling at him. She was dressed in the same coat she’d worn to Hogsmeade months before, leather boots peeking out from under it.   
  
Sirius nodded, allowing Evelyn to lead him. Together, they exited the station, heading towards Diagon Alley. __

* * *

Sirius stood on the platform at Madam Malkin’s, staring across the room at Evelyn, miserable. Evelyn had wasted no time dragging him in to get new dress robes. He had settled on a set of black silk ones, to Evelyn’s approval. Sirius rolled his eyes as Madam Malkin muttered at him to keep still, jabbing him with a pin every couple of minutes. He rolled his eyes, willing for the torturous process to be over with, already. “Every time you come in here, it seems you’ve shrunk away even more,” she said aloud, taking in the waist of the robes.   
  
Evelyn and Sirius exchanged knowing looks across the room. He had told her during the walk over that this was the part he hated most about shopping for robes.   
  
“Oh come now, you should be flattered. Look at you. You must have lost like twenty pounds,” she had laughed, eyeing him up and down.  
  
“Thirty,” Sirius had corrected her, unable to hide the sparkle of satisfaction in his eyes.   
  
Evelyn had leaned over and kissed him, pulling Sirius close to her. Feeling uneasy, unsure of how to respond, he had kissed back, letting his hands explore the outline of her body. Evelyn was thinner than ever, all straight lines and sharp angles.   
  
After a considerable amount of muttering and jabbing of pins, Sirius’ dress robes were finally fitted. “I must admit, I’d rather see you dressed in a tux,” Evelyn noted, as they exited the shop, parcel in hand.  
  
“Oh?” Sirius asked, a confused expression on his face.  
  
“Yeah... I mean, It’s like dress robes for muggles, but much sharper a look. You’d look quite fetching in a Gucci tux,” she noted, rattling off the name of a muggle designer that meant nothing to Sirius.  
  
“Oh,” he replied, glancing nervously over at her as he felt her fingers entwine his own.   
  
“So, now what?” he asked, turning his head to face her.  
  
“We could go and get an ice cream,” she retorted sarcastically, rolling her eyes in the direction of Florean Fortescue’s Ice Cream Parlour.  
  
Sirius snorted, unable to contain himself, Evelyn’s comment hilariously absurd. “What do two anorexics do for fun, anyway?” he asked, shaking his head.  
  
“I dunno, Siri... we could go to the pub. Order two waters with lemon and sip at them, staring into each other’s dead, hollow eyes,” she replied, grinning at him.  
  
“You’re too much,” Sirius laughed, letting go of Evelyn’s hand and wrapping his arm around her waist, pulling her close to him.  
  
“So are you ready for this? For the wedding?” he asked.  
  
Evelyn shrugged. “Ready as I’ll ever be. Thanks for agreeing to go with me... it would have been really... hard, to show up alone,” she said softly, staring down at the ground.  
  
“You really loved him, didn’t you?” Sirius asked, pausing for a moment.  
  
Evelyn pulled away from him, removing herself from his grasp. “Whether I did or not means nothing. It is what it is, and nothing can change that,” she snapped, her eyes ice.  
  
“Evie,” Sirius started, struggling to find the right words to say.  
  
“Just drop it. I’m freezing. Let’s go.”  
  
Evelyn grabbed his arm, swiftly turning on her heel, apparating them both.

* * *

“So what are your plans following graduation, Sirius?” Evelyn’s mother asked, taking a dainty sip from her cup of tea.  
  
Evelyn and Sirius had arrived at the Greengrass household shortly before four in the afternoon. After a brief introduction, Mrs. Greengrass had ushered them into the parlor for afternoon tea.  
  
“I suppose I’ll find some sort of work with the Ministry,” he replied, staring at the cup of tea before him. He silently wished he had followed Evie’s example and requested something a bit stronger than tea.  
  
“Very nice,” Mrs. Greengrass replied, smiling brightly at him.  
  
Sirius sipped his tea, uncomfortable, as Mrs. Greengrass observed him, seeming to be inspecting his every feature.  
  
“The two of you would have such lovely children,” she chirped, a hopeful and dreamy expression on her face.  
  
“Mother!” Evelyn said sharply, shooting Sirius an apologetic look.  
  
“Evelyn, darling. I’m only saying...” Mrs. Greengrass retorted, unperturbed by her daughter’s outburst.   
  
“Told you she’d be trying to marry me off to you,” Evelyn said to Sirius, taking a long swig of her cocktail.  
  
“I was only saying-”  
  
“Why don’t you stop making yourself look so bloody desperate to find someone, anyone to marry me. It’s pathetic!” Evie spat, slamming her glass down on the table.   
  
She stormed off, blonde hair swaying behind her.  
  
Sirius’ eyes bulged, feeling uncomfortable at the family spat he had witnessed. He swallowed, contemplating how to react.  
  
“Thank you for having me, Mrs. Greengrass. The tea is lovely,” he said calmly, letting his instincts kick in.  
  
Coming from a pure-blooded family, it had been ingrained in Sirius from a young age to never make a scene, to always remain polite and keep his composure.  
  
Mrs. Greengrass nodded approvingly at him, clearly impressed that he had not reacted to the scene that had played out seconds before. Sirius sipped his tea, shaking his head no and offering a polite ‘no thank you’ when Mrs. Greengrass offered him a scone or cucumber sandwich. He took another sip, draining his cup of tea. “I should go check on Evelyn,” he announced, standing.   
  
“Of course, dear. Again, it’s lovely to have you here with us, Sirius.”  
  
Sirius offered the woman a smile before hurrying from the room, in search of Evelyn.  
  
“Miss Evelyn is in the garden,” a house elf noted, as Sirius ducked his head into the kitchens, in his search.  
  
Nodding, Sirius wandered outside, finding Evelyn perched on a bench in the back garden, shivering and smoking a cigarette.  
  
“Hey,” he said softly, taking a seat next to her.  
  
Evelyn said nothing, taking a deep drag of her cigarette. Sirius reached into his coat pocket, removing his own pack. Carefully, he lit up, discreetly watching Evelyn. He bit his lip, noticing the tear stains down her cheeks. He inhaled deeply, blowing smoke rings, continuing to observe Evie. He watched as Evelyn flicked the butt of her cigarette into the nearby bushes, taking in the quiver of her lower lip. She was obviously fighting back a fresh set of tears.  
  
“Evie,” he said, placing his hand on her knee.  
  
As if set off by the sudden physical contact, Evelyn burst into tears. She sobbed shamelessly, streams of tears running down her cheeks. “I’m sorry,” she said, staring down at her feet, her words shaky. “I’m.. not usually so emotional,” she continued, uttering each word in between gasps.   
  
“It’s okay Evie,” Sirius said soothingly, reaching forward to wipe a tear from her face with his thumb.   
  
“I’m sorry about her being like that. It’s embarrassing.”  
  
“It’s okay. I mean, the only reason I don’t have my parents arranging a marriage and demanding that I sire a son to carry on the family name is because they disowned me,” Sirius admitted, offering Evelyn a smile.  
  
“I don’t know what I’m going to do, Siri,” she replied softly, covering her face with her hands.  
  
“Why are they so hell-bent on getting you married, anyway? I mean, you’re young. We don’t _all_ have to wed at seventeen,” Sirius remarked, rolling his eyes at the thought.  
  
“It’s not just that,” she said, quietly.  
  
“What else then?”  
  
“It’s just,” she started, choking back a sob. “I’m going to be twenty this summer, Sirius. Most of the girls from my year are married off into respectable families, and I don’t even have any prospects. Everyone knows about me and my... you know. I’ve really fucked myself up. It’s not certain, but I’m most likely sterile. Perkins said even if I could conceive, I’d likely lose the pregnancy, that my body couldn’t handle it.”  
  
Sirius nodded, listening. “That doesn’t mean you wouldn’t make a fine wife to someone.”  
  
Evelyn’s face blanched, rolling her eyes. “Sirius. You know our world, how important bloodlines and continuing the family name are. If I can’t heir a son, what bloody good am I to any man?” she asked, tears beginning to flow freely, again.  
  
Sirius sat silently, unsure what to say, what to do. _She’s as fucked up as I am._  
  
“I don’t even have a job. All that bullshit about wanting to be a healer, like they’d take me on for training. Please. I’ve spent the past decade in and out of St. Mungo’s. This is my fucking life, Sirius. Nineteen years old, no man, no career, no future prospects. What the fuck is even the point of this, of any of this?” she cried, the pitch of her voice dangerously high.  
  
“I fucking _loved_ Lucius. I still do. I still.. I still sleep with him,” she continued, her voice dropping to a whisper.  
  
“When he’s in London, or Cissy is away for a few days, he’ll drop by for a quick shag,” she scoffed, her tears continuing.  
  
“It’s pathetic. I’m pathetic. I just... I _loved_ him, Siri. And he left me. He couldn’t take dealing with _me_ , with _this_ ,” she explained, gesturing at herself.  
  
“You want to know how he broke up with me, Sirius?”  
  
Sirius nodded, watching Evelyn uneasily.  
  
“He broke up with me in the entrance hall of St. Mungo’s. He’d accompanied me to an appointment with Healer Perkins, and Perkins told me that I would likely never be able to conceive. So he called it off. We hadn’t even gotten out of the fucking building, Sirius, and he paused, right in the entrance, turned to me, and said, ‘Evelyn, I can’t do this anymore.’ Two months later, he’s cozied up with that _twat_ , Narcissa. And now they’re getting married,” Evelyn explained, laughing hysterically, the hatred and pain blazing in her eyes.   
  
“I guess I should consider myself lucky, right? At least he kept me on as a mistress,” she laughed bitterly, again covering her face with her hands.  
  
“Evie,” Sirius said softly, gently removing her hands from over her face.  
  
She stared at him, lips spread slightly apart as Sirius pulled her closer to him. He pressed his lips against hers, and she kissed back, letting him enfold her in his arms.   
  
Evelyn pulled away suddenly, breaking the embrace. “I’m so tired,” she mumbled, resting her head on Sirius’ chest.  
  
“Let’s get you to bed,” Sirius replied, helping Evelyn to her feet.

* * *

Arm snaked around her waist, Sirius gently lead Evelyn through the house and up the stairs to her bedroom, on the third floor. She sat on the edge of her bed, slumped forward like a rag-doll. He carefully undressed her, down to her black silk slip she wore underneath her dress. Sirius watched Evelyn’s gaze wander towards a small package, still wrapped, sitting on her dressing table. He turned his gaze towards her, silently questioning what it was.  
  
“It’s from _him_ , probably,” she noted, bitterly.  
  
“Bring me it,” she said sharply, scowling.  
  
Sirius stepped forward, grabbing the package, and handing it to Evie. Sirius watched as Evelyn placed the attached envelope aside, carefully unwrapping the box. Hands trembling, she lifted the lid from the box, revealing a double row asscher diamond tennis bracelet, the stones glittering brilliantly, despite the low light of the room.  
  
“He always did have exquisite taste,” she said sadly, placing the lid back on the box and placing it beside her.  
  
She bit her lip, tears beginning to well up in her eyes, again. She nodded towards the liquor cabinet in the corner of the room, locking eyes with Sirius, begging. Sirius obliged, immediately walking over to the liquor cabinet, placing two crystal tumblers on the counter.   
  
“What would you like, Evie?” he asked.  
  
“Gin and tonic,” she said softly, staring down at the carpet.  
  
Sirius poured her drink, mostly gin with a splash of tonic water, as he knew she liked it. He poured himself a glass of firewhiskey. “I could draw you a bath,” he offered, noting Evelyn’s desolate expression.  
  
“Could you?” she replied, lifting her head slightly.   
  
Sirius nodded, entering the conjoined bathroom. He fiddled with the taps on the bathtub, adjusting the water temperature. As the tub filled, he glanced towards the shelf on the wall, scanning the labels of the various bath salts and oils. He selected a bottle of lavender oil, pouring a generous amount into the water. _That should help her relax, maybe._  
  
“Sirius,” Evelyn said suddenly, appearing in the doorway.  
  
Sirius glanced toward her, feeling a heaviness in his chest; Evelyn looked miserable, obviously overwhelmed with grief. She had tied her hair up into a messy bun on top of her head. The heavy black circles under her eyes made her pale skin look even paler. He noted the tear stains on her cheeks, from a fresh crying spell, he presumed. Her right hand shook lightly, tumbler and the letter clutched firmly in her hand.   
  
“Thank you. For all of this,” she continued, softly.  
  
She stepped towards him, kissing him chastely on the lips. Sirius turned off the taps, the tub filled. “I’ll let you have your privacy. Want me to wait in your room?” he asked.  
  
“Okay,” she agreed.   
  
Sirius nodded and shut the door behind him, throwing himself onto her bed. _Hopefully she doesn’t fucking drown herself._

* * *

Evelyn sank into the warm water, letting out a sigh of relief. The warm water calmed her, and she stretched out, sinking down so that only her head was above the water, as well as her left arm, still clutching her drink. She breathed in deeply, noting the familiar scent of lavender. _He was thinking of me, trying to make me feel better_. She took a sip of her drink, the taste of juniper berries lingering on her lips. She craned her neck, viewing the letter, still unopened, left unceremoniously on the floor next to the tub. “I’m going to have to read it, eventually,” she said to herself, sighing heavily.   
  
She washed off quickly, knowing that after reading the letter, she wouldn’t have the energy to bother with cleaning herself, all. _If I don’t decide to just say fuck it all, and drown myself, that is._ Once satisfied that she had cleaned up well enough, she took a long sip of her drink, for courage, then reached for the letter. Hands trembling, she broke the familiar Malfoy family seal on the back of the envelope, removing the letter. She carefully read, dropping the crystal tumbler as her eyes came to rest on a particular line. She didn’t hear the glass shatter, or Sirius banging on the door, asking if she was alright. She barely was aware of him entering the room, still focusing on the letter, the same line. _You understand, my darling, that while I will always love you, Narcissa possesses qualities necessary for a pure-blooded wife, which you do not._ Her mind repeated that single, soul-crushing line of the letter, over and over. She stared at Sirius as he spoke at her, everything out of focus, unable to hear anything over the cries in her head screaming ‘ _You understand, my darling... Narcissa possesses qualities necessary for a pure-blooded wife, which you do not._ ’ over and over and over again. She didn’t object when Sirius pulled her out of the tub, scooping her into his arms. She sat still, letter still clutched in a vice-like grip in her hand, as Sirius pulled a fresh slip over her head, dressing her after he had dried her off in a towel. She sat, stoic, the voices repeating again and again, until Sirius leaned towards her, staring into her eyes. As she stared back, into the gray eyes, filled with concern, she felt herself falling back into reality. The tears began to fall, rapidly.   
  
“Evie,” Sirius said softly, pulling her into an embrace.   
  
Evelyn let herself fall into his arms, clinging to him. She sobbed, dampening his already wet shirt with her tears. He held her closer still, and Evelyn wrapped her arms around him tighter, feeling as though he was her anchor, the only thing keeping her grounded, from drifting off into the darkness. She nuzzled into his shoulder as he gently smoothed her hair, whispering soothing words into her ear. Once her crying had slowed to a controllable level, Sirius loosened the embrace, pulling her back a bit to face her.  
  
“What did the bastard do, Evie?” he asked, his eyes burning with rage.  
  
Evelyn shook her head, unable to bring herself to tell him, to say it aloud. She lay down on her bed, curling up on her side. “Siri?” she asked softly  
  
“Mhmm?”  
  
“Please... lay with me tonight? I... I don’t want to be alone,” she mumbled, in between sobs.  
  
“Of course,” Sirius agreed, removing his damp shirt.   
  
“Should I?” he asked, looking down at his jeans.  
  
Evelyn nodded, watching as Sirius removed his jeans, leaving him in only his boxers.   
  
“Do you want me to hold you?” he asked, lying down beside her.  
  
“Mhhmm.”  
  
Sirius curled behind her, wrapping his arm around her waist. “This okay?” he asked, gently.  
  
“Mhmm,” she mumbled, closing her eyes.  
  
She snuggled up closer to Sirius, who held her tightly, gently kissing the back of her neck when her sobbing began to pick up. His touch was gentle, loving, almost, and it calmed Evie. Eventually, she drifted into a light, troubled sleep.

* * *

The next morning, Sirius woke with a start. He pulled his right arm out from under Evelyn, rolling onto his back. _At least I didn’t wake her,_ he thought, rubbing his arm gently, in an attempt to regain feeling in it. He glanced at the clock on the bureau. It read 5:30am. _Fuck_. It was early. Far too early to be awake. He turned to Evelyn, who appeared to be sleeping peacefully, at the moment. He stroked her hair affectionately, gazing down at her. He had been woken several times over the course of the night, due to her tossing and turning, but he had continued to hold her, all the same. It had seemed like she needed it, he reasoned. The way she had gone blank the night before had frightened him. It had been devastating, sure, to see her breakdown in the garden, but that was nothing compared to the scene from the night before. She had been non-responsive when he’d found her, the sound of shattering glass sending him bolting to the bathroom door. The way she had cried, had clung to him, showed depths of grief that Sirius found incomprehensible.   
  
“Should probably clean that glass up,” he said to himself, rising from bed.   
  
He paused a moment, letting the dizziness and sparkly dots in his vision pass. He had stood too quickly, as per usual. He entered the bathroom, quickly mumbling a spell to repair the shattered tumbler. He returned the glass to the bedroom, placing it on the counter of the liquor cabinet. As he gazed around the room, wondering what to do with himself, now that he was awake, he noticed the crumbled up parchment on the floor by the foot of the bed. He picked it up, smoothing out the wrinkles. He quickly scanned the letter, searching for what could have been said to have put Evie into such a state.  
  
_Evelyn, An early Happy Christmas to you. I won’t be able to see you for some time, given familial obligations. Hopefully, this gift will make up for my absence, for the time being. I remembered you being quite fond of the tennis bracelets we saw at the jewelry counter at Harrods, when you dragged me about muggle London, before. I’m sure you will find this to be much more suitable for one as exquisite as you, my darling E. Goblin crafted, sixteenth century. Something this beautiful deserves to be seen on someone worthy of it’s beauty. Wear it on Saturday. I’ll be right cross with you if I don’t see it on your wrist, when I manage to sneak in a dance with you. I know you’re upset with the way things have turned out, but I hope with time you will come to see things my way. You understand, my darling, that while I will always love you, Narcissa possesses qualities necessary for a pure-blooded wife, which you do not. I must do what is right for my family, to continue the family name. It is for the greater good. You understand why I could not marry you. Rest assured, Evelyn, it will always be you. Narcissa may take my hand in marriage, but it will always be you who has my heart. Love, Lucius_  
  
Sirius crumpled the letter back up, tossing it onto the floor again. He clenched his fists in anger, outraged. How dare he? _No wonder she reacted how she did_. Sirius’ eyes darted back to Evie, watching as she stirred.   
  
“You’re still here,” she said, squinting blearily at him.   
  
“I’m still here. You sleep okay?” he asked, returning to her side.  
  
She shrugged, yawning. “What time is it, anyway?”  
  
“Just about six.”  
  
“Ughhh. Why on earth are you awake?” she moaned, closing her eyes.  
  
“I’m always up this early.”  
  
“Fucking speed freak,” she muttered, rolling her eyes.  
  
“Speaking of which...” Sirius muttered, grabbing his jeans and rummaging through his pockets.  
  
He grabbed his pouch, reaching in and pulling out his pills. He emptied a handful, then tossed them back, washing them down with a sip of water. _It’s going to be a long day, going to need plenty of energy to get me, and Evie, through this._  
  
“I’m going back to sleep,” Evelyn announced, pulling her comforter over her head.   
  
Sirius nodded, pacing about the room. He decided to retire to the guest room, giving Evelyn some quiet to sleep in peace. He smiled, grateful that the house elves had brought his belongings up to the room, for him. He rummaged through his bags, searching for his textbooks. “May as well catch up on some reading,” he said to himself, selecting a text and laying down in bed. He lay propped up against the headboard, book resting in his lap. He read until his eyes began to droop, the quiet and intense focus of reading lulling him into a calm sleep.


	10. There's Something in the Way You People Smell Like You've Got No Soul at All

Sirius knocked on Evelyn’s door, feeling anxious. “Evie, you ready?” he asked.  
  
He tugged on his tie, feeling uncomfortable in dress robes. Though he was used to being dressed up, used to the ins and outs of high society events, Sirius couldn’t help but feel uneasy. He was going to be facing his parents and the rest of his family since he’d been disowned. The very thought of this impending encounter made his stomach turn.  
  
“Door’s open,” Evelyn called out.   
  
Sirius opened the door, entering the room. He gasped slightly, taking in Evelyn’s appearance. She looked exquisite; dressed in an emerald green silk halter gown, with a plunging neckline, a slit up to mid-thigh, revealing a tantalizing amount of leg. Her long blonde hair was loosely curled. Foregoing eye shadow, she had rimmed her eyes with black liner, and applied mascara, accentuating her large silver-blue eyes. Her lips were coated with a peach colored gloss, balancing out her dramatic eye makeup. His eyes darted towards her right wrist; surely enough, she was wearing the bracelet Lucius had bought.   
  
“You look gorgeous,” Sirius said softly, smiling at her.  
  
“You clean up pretty well, yourself,” she replied, smirking a little. “Care for a drink?” she asked, holding up her tumbler.  
  
“Please,” he agreed, nodding eagerly.   
  
He sat on the bed as Evie prepared him a drink. His eyes darted around the room, pausing at her dressing table. On the table, he noticed four neat, even rows of white powder.  
  
“What’s that?” he asked, nodding towards the table.  
  
“Coke,” Evelyn replied easily, handing him his firewhiskey. “Cheers,” she said, clinking her glass against his.  
  
Sirius watched as Evelyn drained her glass, her hand shaking slightly. She wandered back towards the dressing table, picking up a silver snuff tube, snorting a line of the cocaine quickly.   
  
“Are you going to be okay, tonight? I mean, you were really upset last night,” Sirius started, trying to find the right words to express his concern.  
  
Evelyn shrugged. “I’ll be fine. It’s fine.”  
  
“Shall we get going?” she asked, suddenly.   
  
Evelyn disappeared into her closet, returning draped in a long black mink coat, with a high collar.   
  
The pair descended to the main floor, where Evelyn’s parents waited, dressed in their evening wear, as well  
  
. “They really do make a handsome couple, don’t they, dear?” Mrs. Greengrass cooed, beaming at Sirius.  
  
“Indeed,” her husband agreed, offering Sirius an approving nod.  
  
Sirius turned to Evelyn, unsure of how they would be traveling.  
  
“The Malfoys have set up a floo connection to their manor, to simplify travel. I daresay it was a wise decision, as I’m sure many will be too inebriated to apperate home later this evening,” Mr. Greengrass explained, throwing a handful of floo powder into the fireplace.   
  
“Malfoy Manor,” he said clearly, stepping into the flames, promptly disappearing.   
  
One by one the remaining three followed suit, Sirius being the last to depart.  
  
“Malfoy Manor,” he said quickly, stepping forward into the flames.  
  
He found himself transported to what he presumed to be the Malfoy’s library. Sirius found Evelyn lingering by the fireplace, obviously waiting for him. Her coat was missing, presumably handed off to some servant for safekeeping.   
  
“We should get going, the ceremony is supposed to begin in about twenty minutes,” Evelyn informed him, grabbing his arm and pulling him along.  
  
Sirius followed along agreeably, snaking his arm around her waist. He strode forward, head held high, ignoring the pointed stares of people, clearly unsure of why he, Sirius Black, was present. _Let them stare, fuck it_ , he thought, pulling Evelyn closer, still. She stopped at the entrance to the drawing room, where chairs had been set up for the ceremony. The room was quite filled, with only a few rows available in the back. Sirius and Evelyn quickly sat in two of the vacant seats, on the aisle. Sirius felt Evelyn squeeze his hand tightly.   
  
“You okay?” he whispered, turning to face her.  
  
She nodded sharply, her eyes piercing at the front of the room, where Lucius stood. Sirius looked around the room, scanning for his immediate family members. Sure enough, he spotted his mother, father, and brother, sitting together in one of the front rows. The idle chatter of the room came to a halt as the Bridal Chorus began to play. Sirius turned to the aisle, watching as his cousin, Bellatrix, presumably the Maid of Honor, proceeded down the aisle, accompanied by an unfamiliar Slytherin. As she passed him, she caught sight of him, staring; Sirius returned the stare, glaring coldly back. Next, Narcissa began to proceed up the aisle, accompanied by Sirius’ uncle Cygnus. He had to admit, Narcissa did look beautiful; her pale blonde hair was pinned to the side, curls cascading down her left shoulder. She wore a silk ballgown, layers and layers of tulle creating a dramatic full skirt. The bodice and sleeves of the gown were lace, revealing her trim, but shapely figure. She strode past him, head held high, eyes focused intently at the alter ahead of her. Sirius felt Evelyn’s sharp nails dig into his arm. He turned, seeing the burning hatred in her eyes as she watched Narcissa walk down the aisle. The ceremony was short and sweet. As the couple took their first kiss as a married couple, Sirius again felt Evelyn’s nails dig into him. The wedding party marched down the aisle, taking their places at the entrance to the room, preparing for the receiving line. Sirius and Evelyn remained seated, watching as the guests from the front of the room lined up in the aisle, taking their turns to approach the wedding party and offer their congratulations. Sirius sat up stiffly, wrapping his arm around Evelyn’s waist as he saw his parents approaching him. He stared forward, ignoring the pointed glances in his direction. Evelyn, keenly aware of Sirius’ discomfort at being in such close proximity to his family, played the role of supposed girlfriend well. She leaned closely to him, whispering into his ear and laughing loudly, kissing him on the cheek. Sirius stared ahead, refusing to make eye contact with his mother, who was eyeing him curiously. Regulus, standing behind his parents, caught sight of him, nodding in acknowledgment at his brother. Sirius returned the nod, grabbing Evelyn tighter, still. Finally, they rose from their seats, taking their places in the line to greet the happy couple. They first approached Sirius’ aunt and uncle, mumbling the appropriate comments regarding what a lovely ceremony it had been. They examined the pair, nodding approvingly at Sirius, as if complementing his choice in a female companion. Next, they greeted Lucius’ parents, who offered Evelyn a pitying look, thanking her for coming, and wholly ignoring Sirius’ presence. Finally, they stood before Narcissa and Lucius themselves.   
  
“Congratulations, Cissy,” Sirius said to his cousin, offering her a half-hearted hug. He shook hands with Lucius, keeping an eye on Evelyn, who appeared nervous and flustered. Evelyn offered Narcissa a congratulations, who in turn pulled Evelyn into a hug.   
  
“I’m surprised you didn’t show up wearing black, to mourn the loss of your former lover,” she hissed in Evelyn’s ear, before breaking the embrace.  
  
Evelyn stared back at the other blonde, her eyes burning with rage. Taking a deep breath, she coolly turned away from Narcissa, focusing her attention on Lucius.  
  
“Lovely to see you, as always, Lucius,” she said smoothly, offering her hand to him, which he promptly kissed.  
  
“Likewise, I assure you,” he replied softly, watching as Evelyn slinked past him, rejoining Sirius.  
  
“What did she say to you?” Sirius asked, once they were a safe distance from the receiving line.  
  
“It doesn’t matter. _Fuck_ , I need a drink,” she replied, irritably.

* * *

The reception took place in the ballroom, half the room set with tables, the rest meant for dancing. Evelyn and Sirius found themselves seated at a table far away from the bride and groom, seated with several of Evelyn’s friends from school.   
  
“So, Evelyn. This would be your boyfriend, then?” a dark haired young woman named Naomi asked, pointing her fork at Sirius.  
  
Evelyn hesitated for a moment, glancing at Sirius for permission. He nodded quickly, taking a sip of his firewhiskey; he, like Evelyn, had foregone the traditional dinner, instead drinking his meal.   
  
“Yes. This is Sirius, Sirius Black,” Evelyn replied, smiling broadly as she drained her martini glass.   
  
“Oh. So you’re dating the _other_ Black,” another girl, redheaded Charlotte noted, an eyebrow raised.  
  
Evelyn pursed her lips, offering the girl a disdainful look. “I hardly know what you’re inferring, dear Charlotte. Sirius is, after all, the sole heir of the Ancient and most Noble House of Black. Besides,” she paused, glancing over at Regulus, who was loitering at a nearby table, “He certainly is the more handsome of the brothers, wouldn’t you agree?” she asked, turning to kiss Sirius on the lips.   
  
As she pulled away, excusing herself to get another drink, Sirius licked his lips, tasting the hint of juniper she had left on him. While he had been attempting to pace himself, aware that he had a long night ahead of him, Evelyn appeared to be on a mission to get as drunk as quickly as possible.   
  
“Ladies,” he said as he stood, excusing himself to go and find Evelyn.   
  
He headed towards the bar, where he spotted her, only to feel a hand on his shoulder, pulling him backwards.  
  
“What?” he snapped, turning around quickly.  
  
Regulus stood before him, an unreadable expression on his face.  
  
“What’re you doing here?” he asked, staring at Sirius.  
  
“I’m knitting a sweater. What does it bloody look like I’m doing here?” he replied impatiently, tapping his foot. He needed to go and keep an eye on Evelyn.   
  
“I thought you were done with us, with your _family_ ,” Reg continued, eyeing Sirius suspiciously.  
  
“Evelyn asked me to escort her.”  
  
“I wasn’t aware that the two of you were friends.”  
  
“Well, we are,” Sirius shrugged, wishing he had brought his drink with him.  
  
“Is she your girlfriend?” Regulus asked, his tone low.  
  
Sirius shrugged. “Something like that.”  
  
Regulus smiled lightly at his older brother, a hopeful look in his eyes.  
  
“You know... I think, if you brought her ‘round the house, all would be forgiven, Sirius.”  
  
“I don’t want their forgiveness, Reg.”   
  
Sirius glanced at Regulus’ left arm, watching as Regulus pulled his sleeve down.  
  
“How could you, Reg. You _aren’t_ like them. You didn’t have to do that,” Sirius said softly, feeling tears forming in his eyes.  
  
“What alternative did I have, brother? You’re sick again, I can see that. A whole lot of good running away has done for you. You’re _killing yourself_ , Sirius.”  
  
Sirius shook his head. “I’m not sick. I’m fine.”  
  
Regulus laughed, shaking his head at his older brother. “That’s the attraction between you and her, isn’t it? You’re both _sick_. You feed each others' illness.”  
  
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Sirius snapped, arms crossed against his chest.  
  
“What are you doing here, _Black_?” Snape asked, approaching the pair. He stood next to Regulus, scowling at Sirius.  
  
“I think the better question is what are _you_ doing here, _Snivellus_. Nice robes, did you find them rooting through Malfoy’s garbage?” Sirius sneered, staring disdainfully at Snape’s obviously secondhand dress robes.   
  
“ _I_ was invited. I daresay that _you_ were not, given your being disowned,” Snape replied, looking to Regulus for confirmation.  
  
“He has far more right to be here than you, Severus,” Evelyn cut in, slinking up next to Sirius. “After all, as a pure-blood, he belongs here by birthright alone, something you can _never_ claim, regardless of your association with _those people_ ,”she continued, staring icily at Snape.  
  
“Evelyn Greengrass,” Snape drawled, smirking at her. “I see you’ve stooped low enough to give yourself to _Black_ , here. What’s the matter, was being Lucius’ _slut_ not enough for you?” he hissed, glaring back at her.  
  
Evelyn remained silent, shaking slightly. Sirius slipped his arm around her waist, steadying her.   
  
“You think that everyone doesn’t know what you are to him? That everyone doesn’t know what you are? All you are to anyone is a _whore_ , a warm body to _fuck_ and send off on your way once you’ve served your purpose.”  
  
Sirius lunged forward, grabbing at Snape’s throat. “How dare you,” he hissed, applying more pressure to his grip, watching as Snape gasped, helplessly, struggling for air. He shoved Regulus away as he tried to intervene, staring hatefully into Severus’ dark eyes.  
  
“Let’s not have a vulgar scene. It’s beneath us. Gentlemen,” she continued, nodding at both Severus and Regulus in turn, before grabbing Sirius’ arm and dragging him away.  
  
“I’m sorry,” Sirius apologized, pulling Evelyn closer to him.  
  
“It’s fine,” she replied, her face stoic, unreadable.  
  
“Do you want to dance?” Sirius asked, desperate to get some sort of response from her.  
  
She grinned at him. “Surely.”  
  
The pair approached the dance floor, falling in time with the music. Sirius marveled at how naturally it came to him, remembering the steps he had painstakingly had to learn as a boy, to be able to dance properly at such functions. Arm slinked around Evelyn’s waist, he waltzed across the floor with her, ignoring the stares from the nearby couples. Evelyn rested her head against his chest as the music changed, to a slower song. “I need another drink,” she mumbled, swaying lightly.  
  
“You really ought to slow down,” Sirius replied, staring across the room at his mother, Walburga, who was eyeing him intently.   
  
“Mind if I cut in?” a voice asked, interrupting Sirius’ train of thought.  
  
Lucius stood before the couple, eyes fixated on Evelyn’s wrist, where the tennis bracelet shone brightly in the light.  
  
“Of course,” Sirius agreed, stepping away.   
  
He retreated to the bar, where he ordered himself another drink, watching Evelyn and Lucius dance. He drained his drink, turning around to order another. By the time he turned around, he saw Lucius leading Evelyn outside, towards the gardens. Feeling uneasy, he followed, careful to keep a safe distance.

* * *

“You look beautiful,” Lucius whispered, wrapping his arms around Evelyn’s waist.   
  
“Thank you,” she whispered back, her heart pounding.  
  
He leaned forward, kissing her on the lips. Shakily, Evelyn kissed back, fighting back tears.  
  
_What am I doing?Why do I keep doing this to myself?_  
  
“I’ll be in London on business in two weeks. Perhaps I could pay a visit?” he asked her, a single eyebrow raised.  
  
Evelyn nodded, not trusting her voice to speak.  
  
“I should get back inside. Duty calls, and whatnot.”   
  
He kissed her again, gently, then turned on his heel, returning to the ballroom.  
  
f Evelyn sat down on a nearby bench, burying her face in her hands. She breathed in and out deeply, willing herself not to cry. Once feeling calm enough, she rose, returning to the ballroom. She made a beeline for the bar, immediately ordering another martini. She raised the glass to her lips, tilting her head back to drain the beverage down her throat, then placed the glass back down on the counter. She ordered another. As she sipped on her refreshed drink, she felt familiar arms wrap around her waist.  
  
“Hey,” Sirius whispered in her ear, before gently kissing her neck.  
  
“Hey,” she replied, turning to face him. Her vision was doubled. _Guess I’m a bit more drunk than I thought._ She looked across the room, noticing Lucius watching her.  
  
“Come on,” she said, pulling on Sirius’ arm.  
  
He obliged, letting her lead the way, out of the ballroom and down the hall. She stopped before a deserted looking sitting room, staring at him, alluringly.  
  
“Come here,” she said in a sultry voice, fluttering her eyelashes.  
  
Sirius followed her into the dark room, his eyes adjusting to the change in light.   
  
“Are you okay?” he asked, concerned.  
  
“I’m fine, _I want you,_ ” she said softly, pulling Sirius towards her. She locked lips with him, her fingers entwining themselves in his hair. Sirius kissed back, one arm snaked around her waist, the other exploring her form.   
  
“Take me here,” she whispered in his ear, her breath hot on his skin.  
  
Sirius felt himself getting hard, pushing her back against the wall. Quickly, he undid his trousers, pulling himself out. Evelyn wrapped her legs around his waist, giving Sirius access. He swiftly entered, holding her up with one arm around her waist, his other hand leaning against the wall, above her shoulders, giving him leverage. “Fuck,” he moaned, thrusting hard.  
  
“God, fucking _yes_ ,” Evelyn moaned, entwining her fingers in Sirius’ raven locks, once more.  
  
“Oh god, Sirius, god yes,” she continued, eyes squeezed shut, writing in pleasure.  
  
Sirius continued pumping, feeling himself getting closer. Evelyn evoked a sob, her breathing choppy.   
  
“Are you okay?” he questioned, his thrusts continuing.  
  
“Nothing, don’t stop,” she gasped, shaking her head.   
  
Once he had gotten off, He withdrew himself, letting Evelyn back on the ground.  
  
“What’s wrong?” he asked, panting.  
  
Evelyn shook her head, tears streaming down her face.  
  
“Evie,” he said softly, pulling her into an embrace.   
  
“Sirius,” she cried, squeezing him back tightly.   
  
Once she had calmed down some, Sirius broke the embrace. “Do you want to go home?” he asked, glancing down at his watch. It was nearing eleven o’clock.  
  
“No,” she said sharply, checking her makeup in a compact mirror. “Let’s go. We can dance some more, have another drink.”  
  
Sirius nodded, following Evelyn back into the ballroom. He smirked at Lucius, who was eyeing him with apparent dislike. _Fuck ‘em._ He laughed, grinning and pulling Evelyn towards him, kissing her.

* * *

Sirius watched from the sidelines, concerned, as Evelyn continued to drink, and to dance with every guy who approached her. He had danced with her for quite some time, until his dizziness returned, with the pounding in his chest, and he excused himself, taking a rest. He pressed his hand against his chest, willing his heartbeat to slow. Sirius desperately wanted to leave. He had seen the looks Evelyn was shooting Lucius, and he felt ill. Still, he felt the need to stay, to look after her.   
  
“Siri,” she said suddenly, draping her arms around his neck. “Dance with me again?” she slurred, her breath hot and reeking of gin.   
  
“Evie... don’t you think we should turn in for the night?”  
  
“I’ll go home when _he_ turns in for the night. I refuse to let him think that _he’s_ won. I don’t need him, I can do whatever I want, have whoever I want,” she slurred, biting his neck lightly.  
  
Sirius pulled away, beginning to feel rather ill. “Is that all this is to you, Evelyn?” he asked quietly, dangerously.   
  
Evelyn shrugged, tears pooling in her eyes. “NO. I don’t know... I do like you, a lot, you know. I just... He and I... I thought it would be _me_ walking down that aisle, Siri. I didn’t think it would hurt this bad,” she murmured, pulling him back closer to him.  
  
“Let’s go home,” Sirius replied softly, soothingly.  
  
“Forget Lucius. You need your rest.. And I need it, too,” he continued, still clutching at his chest.  
  
“What’s wrong?” she asked, eyeing him suspiciously.   
  
“My chest hurts... my heart’s been pounding, it feels too fast,” he replied, shrugging.  
  
Evelyn gave him a concerned look, pulling him into an embrace. “I didn’t realize you were getting that bad,” she whispered in his ear, choking back tears.  
  
“It’s not a big deal. I’m fine,” Sirius replied, shaking her off him.  
  
“Evelyn, if I could have a word?” Lucius asked, approaching the pair.  
  
“We were actually about to leave,” Sirius said coldly, glaring at Lucius.  
  
“You couldn’t possibly leave without allowing me another dance, could you, Evie?” he said smoothly, offering Evelyn a charming smile.  
  
Evelyn looked back and forth between the two men, torn. She gave Sirius a pleading look, begging him to understand.  
  
“I’ll be on my way then. I’ll see you, Evie,” Sirius replied, gritting his teeth. “Lucius,” he muttered, nodding at the blond man. He turned on his heel, heading out towards the gardens. Without a second thought, he apperated back to James’ house.

* * *

Carefully, Sirius snuck up the stairs, avoiding the steps that creaked. He slowly opened the door to James’ bedroom, taking care to not wake him. He smiled at his bed, made and waiting for him. He was so, so tired. All he wanted to do was sleep. He quickly undressed, tossing his dress robes to the side, and crawling into bed. As he snuggled up under the covers, he heard James’ voice, speaking to him.  
  
“Didn’t expect you to arrive this early,” he croaked, sitting up slightly to face Sirius.  
  
“Yeah, well. I needed to get out of there. Sorry to wake you, mate.”  
  
“Pads. It’s okay. I’m glad you’re home,” James replied, laughing.  
  
“So it didn’t go well?” he asked, unnerved by Sirius’ silence.  
  
“Reg’s a death eater,” Sirius replied shortly, gnawing at his lower lip.  
  
“I’m sorry, mate,” James said quietly, getting up out of bed and joining Sirius in his.  
  
He hugged his friend, trying to ignore the sharpness of his jutting bones, the coldness of his skin.   
  
“Evelyn is still in love with Lucius.”  
  
“Are you in love with her?” James asked quietly.  
  
Sirius laughed. “No. Not really. I mean, she’s beautiful, sure. And it feels good to shag her, but I don’t feel any type of way about her beyond camaraderie or something of the sorts.”  
  
“She’s telling people we’re dating,” he continued, pulling his knees close to his chest.  
  
“Are you okay with that?” James questioned.  
  
“Doesn’t bother me, much. I mean, I could see the upsides to it, to being with her. It’s easy. We get along and we don’t interfere with each others’ affairs. She _would_ make a good wife, I suppose,” Sirius replied, shrugging his shoulders.  
  
“I don’t even understand love, mate. I mean... we’re good friends, she and I. We’re sexually compatible. Maybe with time, the love part will come?” Sirius asked, turning to James.  
  
“Maybe,” James mused, thinking.   
  
“You’ve never been in love, Pads?” he questioned.  
  
“Why do you ask?” Sirius replied, suspiciously.  
  
“I’unno. I just mean.. you’ve never had a girlfriend, never really ever mentioned anyone you fancied, at all.”  
  
Sirius shook his head no. “No, I’ve never been in love... I told you that before, Jamie. I just... girls are too messy, too confusing. I can’t deal with them, or their bodies.”  
  
“But you can deal with Evelyn,” James prompted.  
  
“Evelyn isn’t like other girls.”  
  
James watched on, concerned, as Sirius grasped at his chest.  
  
“Are you okay?” he asked, eyes widening.  
  
“Yeah.. yeah. I’m okay. I’m just tired. I drank too much and Evelyn was out of control and I just don’t want to think about it all,” Sirius lied, rambling every excuse he could think of to stop James’ prying.  
  
“Alright, then. Happy Christmas, mate. See you in the morning?” James asked, standing up and wandering back to his own bed.  
  
“Happy Christmas. See you in the morning,” Sirius affirmed, closing his eyes, and letting the darkness consume him.

* * *


	11. And I Think it's Alright That I Do What I Like Because That's the Way I Want to Live

Christmas morning was a very pleasant affair at the Potters’. Sirius found himself enjoying the attention Mrs. Potter lavished on him, something his own mother had never done. The four opened gifts in the parlor before sitting down to Christmas brunch. Sirius tensed up considerably as he took his seat at the table, viewing the spread before him. Sirius placed two fried eggs on his plate, painstakingly cutting tiny pieces of the egg white, avoiding the yolk, altogether. He stuck his fork in the yolk, dragging it around the plate, creating a yellow swirl on the white dish. He winced as James kicked him in the shin, giving him a pointed look.  
  
“Sirius, you _have_ to try the french toast,” Mrs. Potter chirped, placing two slices on a fresh plate and placing it before Sirius. “You look like you’re wasting away, we can’t have that, now can we?” she laughed, placing a warm hand on his shoulder.  
  
Sirius stared at James, struggling to maintain his composure. Mrs. Potter wasn’t aware of his condition, and James hadn’t told her... Or had he? He shot a questioning look to James, who rolled his eyes in response. Feeling guilty, Sirius stabbed into the french toast, forcing himself to take a bite.  
  
“It’s delicious,” he told Mrs. Potter, forcing a smile.  
  
He grabbed his orange juice, taking a gulp to swallow down the food. Despite his stomach’s protests, he continued to take bites of the french toast, willing himself to swallow every bite. The richness of the meal upset his stomach, not used to anything other than the bland safe foods he allowed himself. The sweetness of the syrup and cinnamon felt wrong in his mouth, making him feel nauseous. Still, he finished the serving, swallowing hard each time his body attempted to regurgitate the meal, demanding that the contents be forcibly removed from his stomach. Unable to stand the nausea any longer, Sirius stood, thanking the Potters for breakfast. He excused himself, forcing himself to walk calmly, slowly up the stairs. Once there, however, he bolted to the bathroom, not bothering to lock the door before he fell to his knees before the toilet, wretching up every hateful bite of his breakfast. It had been some time since he’d eaten enough to warrant such a forceful purge, so he was distracted. The ringing in his ears drowned out the noise of the door opening and closing once more. He heaved a final heave, spitting into the toilet, staring down at the awful mess of partially digested food, bile, and blood. He grabbed at his chest, his heart racing, yet again, more painful than ever. Shakily, he froze, sensing the presence of someone else in the bathroom. He turned around, taking in James’ horrified expression, his arms hanging limply at his sides.  
  
“James,” Sirius started, still on his knees, too weak to pull himself up, to stand and even try to explain.  
  
“You’re throwing up blood, Sirius,” James said softly, eerily calm.  
  
Sirius shrugged, wiping his mouth on the sleeve of his shirt.  
  
“This isn’t the first time, is it, Sirius?”  
  
Sirius turned away from James, turning his attention back to the toilet, to the contents. _Sirius._ Again, he was calling him Sirius. Normally, if he was worried or concerned, he’d use his nickname, to soothe him, to get him to open up. Padfoot, or Pads. But no, James was calling him Sirius. This was a far more grave matter, he supposed.  
  
“How long have you been throwing up blood?”  
  
“Couple months now,” Sirius replied, still looking away, unable to face his friend, to see the disappointment in his eyes.  
  
“You don’t even care, do you?” James asked, his pitch rising a notch.  
  
Sirius shrugged again, still looking away.   
  
“Get on the scale, Sirius,” James said coldly, sharply, pointing to the bathroom scale in the corner.   
  
Sirius stood, grasping onto the bathroom sink for support.  
  
“James, please,” he begged, gnawing at his lower lip, drawing blood.  
  
James crossed his arms, his eyes dark, angry.  
  
Sirius did as he was told, standing on the bathroom scale as James stood behind him, observing, he supposed, or waiting to catch Sirius if he passed out. The numbers blinked for a moment, before flashing his weight: 6st 12.  
  
Sirius flinched, hearing James’ fist collide with the wall. He turned around sharply, staring at his friend, blood trickling down his chin, from his lip.  
  
“Prongs-”   
  
“I can’t do this. I can’t deal with this right now,” James sputtered, his eyes still dark, angry.   
  
“James, please-”  
  
“I’m going to Lily’s.”  
  
James turned on his heel, slamming the bathroom door shut, as Sirius sunk to his knees, tears rolling softly down his cheeks. Shakily, he dragged himself to his feet again, flushing the toilet and going about cleaning himself up. He splashed cool water against his face, carefully healing the cut in his lip. He rinsed his hands a final time, then exited the room, telling the Potters’ that he was going to go and visit his _girlfriend_ , and apparating promptly.

* * *

Sirius carefully knocked on Evelyn’s door before entering. He had arrived at her home shortly after two, let in by a house elf.  
  
“Evie,” he said softly, sitting down beside her sleeping form on the bed.  
  
“Mmmm... what?” she mumbled, incoherently.  
  
“Hey,” Sirius said lowly, kissing her softly on the lips.  
  
“Feeling better?” Evelyn asked, smiling, her eyes still closed.  
  
“I um... I wanted to talk. But if you’re still sleeping, I can wait,” Sirius muttered, his heart beating anxiously.  
  
“It’s fine. Just another hangover, nothing new,” she assured him, pushing herself upward into a sitting position.  
  
“You look like shit,” she noted, taking in Sirius’ appearance.  
  
“James knows.”  
  
“James knows what? What are you so worked up about?” she asked, shaking her head lightly.   
  
“He walked in on me puking up breakfast... he saw the blood. He... he wouldn’t even talk to me, Evie. He said he couldn’t do this right now and left the house. What am I going to do?” Sirius squeezed his eyes shut, hugging himself tightly.  
  
Evelyn pulled herself out of bed, fanning her long blonde hair out, deep in thought.  
  
“Have you considered telling him to sod off if he tries to pull some bullshit intervention on you?” she suggested, pulling a silk dressing robe on over her slip.  
  
“They’re going to try to force me to eat... to get better or whatever,” Sirius continued.  
  
“Sirius. You’re not grasping this, are you? You are of age. No one but you can decide what to do with your body or make decisions regarding your health,” Evelyn replied, speaking slowly, as if Sirius were retarded.   
  
“But you.. Your parents-”  
  
“I play the game because it’s easier to go with the flow than to fight it. I still do things on my own terms. I don’t take the weight gain potions or follow the meal plans or any of that nonsense. I don’t eat and I go to group therapy and listen to teenagers whine about how _unfair_ it is that they’re being forced to come. It keeps me occupied,” Evelyn interrupted, rolling her eyes.  
  
Sirius relaxed a little, a small smile forming on his lips. “So do I just brush him off, then?”  
  
Evelyn nodded. “Just tell him it’s none of his business. It really isn’t, anyway. Though, I must say, you need to cut it out with the purging, Sirius,” she paused, a concerned look on her face. “You know that throwing up blood is a bad sign, right?”  
  
Sirius nodded, shrugging. “I just don’t care, anymore, I guess.”  
  
Evelyn smiled at him sadly, understanding. “Yeah... I know how that is,” she replied, sitting down at her dressing table.  
  
“How was the rest of last night?” Sirius asked, breaking the silence.  
  
“Alright, I suppose. Lucius confronted me about you, asked if we’re dating.”  
  
“What did you tell him?”   
  
“That we were.... you don’t mind, do you?” she questioned, her eyes pleading, hopeful.  
  
Sirius grinned, taking a deep breath. “We could do just that, you know,” he said softly, ignoring the pounding of his heart in his chest.  
  
_Just do it. Date her and get James and everyone off your back._ He stared at Evelyn, taking in her appearance; she certainly was beautiful, he reasoned, and he cared about her. _The love will come,_ he told himself, willing himself to continue on.  
  
“What do you mean?” Evelyn questioned, looking up at him curiously.  
  
“We could be a couple. For real,” Sirius suggested, grabbing her and pulling her into an embrace. He kissed her fiercely, relishing the power he felt, holding her, controlling her movement.  
  
“Why... would you want... that?” she questioned, in between kisses.  
  
“Why not?” Sirius smirked, tossing her onto the bed, legs akimbo.   
  
“You’re hot. I’m hot. We’re pure-blooded. It’ll get your folks off your back, my mates off mine. And it’ll drive Lucius mad with jealousy. I’d call that a win-win, wouldn’t you?” Sirius asked, grabbing her throat, choking her.  
  
“God Sirius,” she moaned, writhing in anticipation. “Take me. Now.”

* * *

“James, you’ve been awfully quiet all day,” Lily said softly, pouring him a fresh cup of tea.  
  
“Thanks for letting me come by. I know your sister is probably pissed that I’m here,” James replied, taking a sip of his tea.  
  
“What happened?” Lily asked, her eyes filled with concern.  
  
“Sirius. He’s sick and I don’t know how to help him. I don’t think he _wants_ help.”  
  
“He’s still throwing up?” Lily asked, staring into her own cup of tea.  
  
“How do you know about that?” James questioned.  
  
“It’s kind of obvious, isn’t it James? My sister is bulimic, I know what the signs are... And Remus kind of confirmed it for me a while ago when I asked him about it,” she replied, gently touching James’ shoulder.  
  
“He’s throwing up _blood_ , Lils. Has been for months. And he admitted it, so nonchalantly. Like he doesn’t even fucking care that he’s killing himself.”  
  
“He’s throwing up blood?” Lily repeated, the color fading from her face.  
  
“James. You need to get him to see a doctor... That’s not... That’s not good,” she mumbled, her face crumbling up as she broke into tears.  
  
“It’s not even like he’s eating enough to even have anything to throw back up... He weighs 96 pounds, Lily,” James said sharply, slamming his fists on the kitchen table.  
  
“James,” Lily said softly, her lower lip trembling.   
  
“You.. You know that you can’t force him to get help if he doesn’t want it, right?” she asked.  
  
“I’m not going to let my best friend, my _brother_ die, Lily. I’ll drag him into St. Mungo’s and have him committed, if I have to,” James replied hotly, his eyes burning with anger.  
  
Lily shook her head, sadly. “He’s of age, James. And he’s been disowned from his parents. No one can force him to get treatment. And you have to understand... going about it like this, being angry and trying to force him to eat or get better, will only push him away. Hold on a minute,” she paused, leaving the room for a moment.  
  
James stared out the window, watching snowflakes fall lazily to the ground. _Moony._ He had to tell Moony, fill him in on what was going on. Lily returned suddenly, a book in hand.  
  
“Here... I think this might help you umm... understand what Sirius is going through. It has a lot of information, and offers advice on how to go about helping someone with.. you know,” she continued, handing him the book.  
  
James examined the cover, reading the title: Helping a Loved One with an Eating Disorder.  
  
“You can’t change him, James. You can’t rush in and save him from this. All you can do is be supportive. Tell him your concerns. Encourage him to get help. _Be there for him,_ ” Lily said calmly, standing and approaching James, pulling him into an embrace.  
  
“I’m afraid for him, Lils... You don’t know what it was like, before...” James sobbed, pulling Lily closer to him.  
  
“He was hospitalized for a few months during fourth year, wasn’t he?” Lily asked, looking to James for confirmation.  
  
“Yeah...it was horrible, Lils. I mean we were just kids. And he was so unwell. And I don’t get it, that’s the hardest part. He’s not fat. He can’t really think that, can he?” James asked, running his fingers through his hair, mussing it even more than usual.  
  
Lily sighed, squeezing James’ hand in her own. “It’s not about the weight, or how he looks, James... I think... Sirius needs control over something. He feels that this is the only thing he has control over, so he clings to it.”  
  
“If it’s not about all that, then how can he not see that he’s hurting himself?” James asked, frustrated.  
  
“Because he can’t see it. Eating disorders... they’re complicated. I mean we discussed it before... Sirius’ parents were hardly supportive of him, growing up. They chastised him, you heard the Howlers that vile woman sent him... calling him worthless, a disgrace... despite the grandiose persona he reveals to the world, I think Sirius has very little self-worth. I think that he believes that he deserves this pain, somehow, that it’s something he needs to suffer through to redeem himself,” Lily continued.   
  
“He’s really sick, Lils. I mean, I gave him a hug this morning and he felt so _cold_ and bony. And he kept grabbing at his chest, where the heart is,” he continued, lifting his glasses up and pinching the bridge of his nose.  
  
“We’ll talk about it with him, James. Me, you, Remus... We’ll sit him down and voice our concerns. Okay?”  
  
James nodded, a frown forming on his face. “I shouldn’t have stormed out like I did, I guess.”  
  
“What exactly happened?” Lily asked gently.  
  
“I heard him throwing up his breakfast, so I came into the bathroom... he didn’t even bother to lock the door, Lily... anyway, he didn’t hear me come in, so I just stood there, watching him wretch up everything in his stomach, watching him pant and stare down at the bowl. I saw all the red, and I swear to god, I felt my blood boiling. I was so... angry, I guess. Angry at him for doing this to himself. At myself for not paying close enough attention, for not realizing what was wrong and getting him the help he obviously needs,” James paused a moment, struggling to choke back tears.  
  
“Anyway... He... He turned around and just stared at me, this blank expression on his face. I confronted him about the blood, asked him how long. He told me and his nonchalance just set me off... I told him I couldn’t deal with this right now and walked away. Told my folks I was off to see you and apperated, without another word. I fucked up, didn’t I?” James asked, his voice barely above a whisper.  
  
“James... honey. It’s okay. You were upset. While I get that you’re upset you left him there, you need to understand that you have to take your needs into consideration, as well. You can’t fix him, James. This isn’t magically going to go away. And being that angry would have done neither of you any good. When you’re calm, you can talk to him. Apologize for walking out, if that’ll make you feel any better. Just be honest with him about how you feel... without passing judgment. I can imagine it’s right embarrassing for him to have his best mates pestering him about his eating and weight. He’s already in a fragile state, you need to be gentle with him.”  
  
“Will you come home with me, tonight? I... I don’t want to be alone,” James asked, fidgeting a little.  
  
“Are you sure you don’t want to go home and talk to Sirius? I don’t want to interfere,” Lily replied, playing with a strand of her coppery locks.  
  
James laughed hollowly. “I get the feeling Sirius probably won’t be home tonight.”  
  
“Well, let’s go, then. We can owl Remus, tell him to come by so we can talk,” Lily suggested, squeezing James’ hand reassuringly.   
  
“Okay. Thank you, Lily. I love you.”  
  
“I love you, too.”

* * *

Sirius lit a cigarette, arm loosely wrapped around Evelyn’s waist. They lay sprawled out on her bed, lazily enjoying a post-coital cigarette. He took a drag, inhaling deeply. The nicotine calmed him, easing the pain in his chest ever so slightly. Evelyn reached over, grabbing the cigarette from his hand, and taking a drag. “So,” she said suddenly, breaking the silence that had fallen over them.  
  
“Yes?”   
  
“Why don’t you owl James and let him know you’re staying the night?” Evelyn smirked, staring wickedly at him.  
  
“Spend the night... Are you sure that is what the magnificent Evelyn Greengrass wants?” Sirius asked, returning her smirk.  
  
"Indeed. You’re _mine_ , Black.”  
  
“So... Seeing as we’re together, or whatever, I was thinking.”  
  
“What were you thinking, Siri?”  
  
“Well... James’ parents are having their annual New Years’ Eve party... I was hoping you would escort me?” Sirius asked, hopeful.  
  
“I’d love to. Is it...”  
  
“It’s black-tie, of course. So I suppose you’ll want to get another gown,” Sirius suggested, sitting up and stretching, grinning as he heard the discs in his back cracking as he stretched.  
  
Evelyn rolled her eyes, laughing. “Obviously. Any excuse to shop, Sirius.”  
  
“Lily will be pleased that you’re coming,” Sirius noted, grinning.  
  
“Oh really? Nice to hear your friends approve.”  
  
“How could they not? You’re perfect,” Sirius noted, leaning in for a kiss.  
  
Evelyn pulled away, breaking the kiss. She sighed, a sullen look on her face.  
  
“What’s wrong?”  
  
“Nothing. I’m going to take a shower,” Evelyn noted, gracefully standing and stalking to the bathroom, shutting the door.   
  
Sirius sighed, lighting another cigarette. _She’s the same as any other bird in some respects._ He debated writing Remus, remembering his gentle plea on the train platform, begging him to eat something over break. _I suppose my plan to write him about Christmas brunch needs to be nixed, as I’m sure James will be filling him in on what transpired_. As horrible as he felt regarding James and the entire situation, Moony was an entirely different issue. He felt unbearably guilty, knowing how badly this news would hurt his friend. “I wish I could try... if only for him,” Sirius murmured to himself, flicking ash into the ashtray on the edge of the mattress.   
  
Sirius dreaded facing Moony again, dreaded having to see the pained expression on his face, the worry in his eyes, silently begging Sirius to please, please, eat. He shook his head, banishing the thought.  
  
“I need this,” he assured himself, pulling his knees to his chest. “Evelyn knows, she understands... why can’t everyone else?”


	12. This Must Be It, Welcome to the New Year

James, Lily, and Remus sat in James’ bedroom, each silent, considering their words. James sat at his desk, leaning back in his chair, tossing a snitch in the air, catching it quickly. Lily sat on the edge of James’ bed, cupping her chin with her hand, a frown etched on her lips. Remus sat on the floor, silent, brooding. “So...” Remus said finally, unable to bear the silence for a moment longer.  
  
“You said there was an incident with Sirius yesterday morning?” he continued, looking to James, and then to Lily, then back to James.  
  
The couple had owled him the night before, asking him to come by the following day, to discuss something about Sirius. He had arrived earlier that morning, but the pair had yet to say a word to him, as though they were dreading speaking of it, as if saying the words would make this real, for them.  
  
“You know he’s been throwing up, again,” James said slowly, his jaw clenched.  
  
Remus nodded. “Yeah... I know.”  
  
“He’s throwing up blood, Moony. Has been for months, he said.”  
  
Remus sharply inhaled, beginning to feel sick. “He... he has?” he sputtered, struggling to speak.  
  
“I didn’t know he was throwing up blood,”he frowned, staring down at his feet. “I mean... I knew he was bad off, I knew he’d lost a lot of weight, but...” he trailed off.  
  
“He weighs ninety-six pounds, Moony. What are we going to do?” James exclaimed, verging on hysterics.  
  
“James... We’ve talked about this... We can’t make him do anything,” Lily noted, standing and placing a gentle hand on James’ forearm.  
  
“Lily thinks we should have some sort of an intervention... the three of us confront him and make him acknowledge that he has a problem,” James started, turning to Lily for confirmation.  
  
“We’re not going to confront him,” Lily corrected, looking at Remus. “We need to calmly sit him down and voice our concerns. Let him know what exactly it is that is troubling us, and let him know that we are worried about him, and that we think he could use some help. Let him know that we’re here for him and will support him, when he’s ready. This isn’t about making accusations and trying to force him to do anything; it’s a means of getting our feelings and fears out in the open and opening the lines of communication. If he feels like we’re attacking him, he’ll only isolate himself further.”  
  
Remus and James nodded, taking in Lily’s explanation.  
  
“So what do we say to him, y’know, when we _do_ sit him down to talk?” James asked.  
  
Lily pulled a notepad from her satchel, suddenly all business. She flipped through a few pages, then looked up at the two boys.  
  
“Well, a good way to start would be to say that you’re concerned about him, and list or explain specific incidents or behaviors you’ve observed,” she began, pulling a pen from her bag and beginning to scribble notes on her pad.   
  
“So, can I say something like ‘You look like you’ve lost a lot of weight, and it worries me?’” James asked, brows furrowed in confusion.  
  
Lily shook her head, lips drawn tightly. “No, you don’t want to focus on his weight or his appearance. Try and talk about it in terms of his health, his mood, his behavior. And try to avoid using ‘you’ statements. That can make him feel like he’s being attacked. We don’t want that.”  
  
“What else should we be saying to him when we do this, Lils?” Remus asked quietly, struggling to maintain his calm.  
  
“Well, we want to emphasize that we’re not here to criticize him, that we love him and are concerned. We can’t expect too much to come of this, though, Remus. He won’t accept help until he’s ready to. All we can do is let him know that we’re here when he’s ready, and be available to him when he needs us.”  
  
Remus nodded, eyes staring down at the ground. “Okay. Okay.”

The next day, Sirius returned home. “Hey,” he greeted his friends, tossing his bag on his bed, glancing about the room, trying to gauge everyone’s feelings.  
  
“Glad to see you’re back,”James said warmly, smiling at him.   
  
Collectively, the trio had decided it would be best to carry on as if nothing had happened, initially, giving Sirius time to relax before addressing their concerns to them.  
  
They had a relatively relaxing afternoon, working on homework they had been assigned to complete over the break. They broke their studies for dinner, James’ parents thankfully absent, having gone out to visit friends earlier in the day. Once dinner was served, Sirius began to fidget, obviously anxious. He sat at the table, sipping at water and staring disdainfully down at his plate. He relaxed when he noticed that the others were not watching him, each busy making conversation and enjoying their own meals. Once a safe amount of time had passed, Sirius stood, excusing himself and taking his plate to the kitchen, where he disposed of his meal. He returned to the dining room, to help Lily with clearing the table. Afterwards, Lily prepared tea. The foursome returned to James’ room, discussing the possibility of playing gobstones. Sirius took a seat on his bed, stretching, as James and Lily took a seat on James’ and Remus sat at James’ desk.  
  
“Hey, Padfoot. Can we talk about something?” James started, clearing his throat nervously.   
  
Sirius nodded, unsure of what was going on. _They were all so normal today,_ he thought, puzzled. “Yeah, sure. What’s up?”  
  
“You know you’re my best mate, Pads. You’ve seemed really... withdrawn lately, and it worries me.”  
  
“You’ve been busy with Lily,” Sirius replied pointedly, shrugging.  
  
“I mean beyond just not seeing you as much, Pads... I mean you don’t come to meals. And when you do, you seem so exhausted, all the time. Seeing you throwing up... I’m afraid for you,” James continued, visibly struggling to get the words out.  
  
“I’m fine,” Sirius replied, his tone flat.  
  
“You clutch your chest an awful lot,” Remus started, fidgeting a bit. “I know we discussed that, I know about the arrhythmia.. But it frightens me, Sirius. I’m afraid if you keep doing what you’ve been doing, not eating, throwing up, that you could die.”  
  
Sirius said nothing, staring down at his feet.  
  
“We’re not doing this to attack you, Sirius,” Lily said gently, standing and taking a seat next to him.  
  
“What part of ‘I’m fine’ do you people not understand?” Sirius growled, his eyes scorching.   
  
“Padfoot. I think that you are relapsing. It’s okay, we just want you to know that we’re worried. We think you could use some help, that’s all,” James said softly, offering his friend a weak smile.  
  
“It’s none of your business, what I do. I am **fine.** I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I’m in control.”  
  
“You’re vomiting blood,” Lily stated.  
  
“And?”  
  
“You’re aware of the risks you’re taking, allowing that to continue, untreated?” she asked, eyeing him nervously.  
  
Sirius shrugged. “I don’t care.”  
  
“You could die, Pads,” James mumbled, blinking repeatedly, clearly on the verge of tears.  
  
“I don’t care,” Sirius repeated, arms crossed.  
  
“Sirius... you’re hurting yourself,” James continued, his voice shaky.  
  
“I’m not hurting... I am making decisions for what I want,” Sirius spat, glaring at his friends.  
  
Remus paused a moment, staring sadly at his friend. “Sirius,” he said softly, his voice barely above a whisper, “is doing what you’re doing really working to get you what you want?”   
  
Sirius stood, eyes blazing. “Yes.”   
  
“Sirius, please. We’re concerned and-”  
  
“You know what, I don’t need this. Not from _you people, GOD,_ ” he snarled.  
  
“I’m sorry, Pads. I... we don’t want to drive you away, we want to help you,” Remus sputtered, eyes glassy with tears.   
  
“ **I don’t need any help! I’m fine**!” He marched out of the room, slamming the door shut.  
  
Lily buried her head in her hands, choking back tears. James stared at Remus, watching his friend stare blankly ahead, dazed.  
  
“Well... at least he knows how we feel, right?” James asked shakily, laughing a little.  
  
“That was a complete and total failure,” Remus moaned, squeezing his eyes shut.   
  
“We tried, Rem. He’s angry. He’ll cool down. When he’s calm, we can try again. Individually, maybe. Just talk to him and tell him that we respect where he’s at right now, and though we are concerned, we’re here for him, regardless,” Lily said calmly, her emotions under control once again.   
  
Remus excused himself from his friends, retreated down the hall and down the stairs, in search of Sirius. _Hopefully he hasn’t off and apparated to god knows where._ He quickly made his way through the downstairs, wandering outside to the back gardens. He smiled lightly as he saw Sirius perched on the edge of the stone fountain, smoking a cigarette and staring down at the ground.  
  
“Hey,” he said quietly, taking a seat beside him.  
  
“’lo,” Sirius replied, still staring down at his feet. He took a drag of his cigarette, then exhaled.  
  
“I’m sorry about that, earlier. I... I didn’t mean to make you feel as though we’re attacking you. Honestly, Pads. We’re just really concerned,” Remus stammered nervously, wringing his hands in his lap.  
  
“I know. It’s just none of your business, any of you,” Sirius replied shortly, bringing the cigarette to his lips once more.  
  
“I didn’t know you were throwing up blood,” Remus said softly.  
  
Sirius shrugged. “It doesn’t matter, I don’t care.”  
  
“Why, though?”  
  
“I don’t care. Nobody cares what happens, anyway.”  
  
“I care, Padfoot. I care _a lot_. I actually give a shit,” Moony screamed, his face contorting into a mixture of anger and distress.  
  
“You shouldn’t bother worrying about me, Moony, I’m not worth it,” Sirius said sadly, standing up and walking back towards the house. 

* * *

That night, Remus lie awake in the guest room, restless. He heard James’ bedroom door creak open, heard someone retching in the bathroom, Unable to stand it a moment longer, he jumped out of bed, mumbling a quick _lumos_ to illuminate the dark room. He glanced at the door, noticing it was open a crack; he considered shutting it, then decided against it. _If he sees the light creaking through and decides to investigate, all the better,_ he thought darkly, rummaging through his overnight kit. Gingerly, he removed a straight edged razor blade from his toiletries kit, staring at the blade. Next, he stared down at his left inner arm, tracing the faint scar from his suicide attempt lightly with his finger. “Fuck it,” he muttered, placing the blade against skin and tugging downward, following the line of the scar. He applied firm pressure, feeling calm as he watched the crimson trickle down his arm, pooling in the palm of his hand. He looked from the blade, dripping with blood, _his_ blood, to his arm, the bleeding a steady trickle.

“Remus. What the fuck are you doing?” a panicked voice rang out, sending chills down Remus’ spine.

He dropped the razor to the ground, hearing the dull sound of it hitting the wood floor.

“Sirius... I...” he started, but paused, Sirius’ glare unnerving.

“What are you doing, _Moony_? What are you doing, hurting yourself?” he asked, his eyes bloodshot, his hands trembling a bit.

"This," Remus stated, his eyes cold, staring at Sirius, "is nothing compared to the pain I feel, seeing you hurt yourself. So now, I'm letting you know how I feel, every time I have to hear you puking your guts up.”

“I’m sorry,” Sirius said quietly, staring down at the floor, ashamed.

“Go to bed, Sirius,” Remus said sharply, a bit sharper than he had meant.

He paused, offering his friend a weak smile. “I... I’m sorry, you know. I just... I hope you see now that this, you doing this, isn’t affecting only you. It’s hurting all of us, a lot,” he explained lamely, locking eyes with Sirius, begging him to understand, even if only a little bit.

“I’m sorry. I... you know I need this, Moony. I need it to feel safe, in control,” Sirius muttered, struggling to string together a sentence.

“There are other ways to cope, Sirius. You don’t have to do this to yourself. You don’t have to live like this... You deserve to be happy, Pads,” Remus continued, wringing his hands together, ignoring the coppery scent of blood, still dripping from his arm.

Sirius shrugged, crossing his arms. “I don’t know.. I just... I don’t think I even could stop,” he whispered, his face blank.

“I know it’s hard, Siri... But people have done it. Others have gotten better. You could, too,” Remus remarked, trying to sound encouraging.

“Maybe,” Sirius replied, doubtfully.

“I want you to get better, Sirius. It hurts to see you this way. But I can’t make you want to get better. I can’t force you to get help. Just..” he paused, choking back tears. “Just know I’m here. Please don’t shut me out. I want to be here for you.”

Sirius nodded, solemn. “Okay. Okay,” he agreed, sighing heavily.

He turned, mumbling a quick ‘goodnight’ before leaving the room, closing the door behind him.

Remus stared at the door, letting his tears flow freely, his arm still bleeding freely. Sniffling a bit, he turned his attention to stopping the bleeding, applying a cleaning charm, to ward off infection. Gingerly, he wrapped his arm in bandages, wincing at the stinging sensation emanating from the wound, the initial endorphin rush from the act itself long worn off, at this point. Miserably, he dragged himself back into bed, pulling the covers up to his chin. He stared up the ceiling deep in thought. _Sirius_. He couldn’t help but worry. He knew him, knew how reckless he could be. If Sirius didn’t want to stop, there was no way of telling how far he would go in his efforts to self-destruct. Remus tossed and turned, falling into a fitful sleep, plagued by nightmares.

The week went by quickly, with everyone walking on eggshells around Sirius, wary of his temper. His absence at meals resulted in nothing more than disappointed looks in his direction. Remus and James both attempted to talk to Sirius one-on-one, in an effort to express their concerns to him, but their speeches fell on deaf ears.  
  
“It’s none of your business,” Sirius replied, each time, crossing his arms and walking out of the room.   
  
On New Year’s Eve, the group stayed upstairs, trying their best to stay out of James’ parents’ hair as they prepared for the party that would take place that evening. Sirius sat in bed, sulking, as he had done for most of the week.   
  
“I’m going to leave in about a half hour to get ready for the party,” Lily announced suddenly, twirling the ends of her hair around her finger.  
  
“Where’re you going?” James asked, lying on his back on his bed, tossing his snitch up in the air and catching it, repeatedly.  
  
“Your mum and I are going to get our hair and makeup done,” Lily replied, smiling.  
  
“Very good,” James grinned, nodding approvingly at his girlfriend. “Glad to see mum approves of you.”  
  
“How could she not?” Lily smirked.  
  
“Sirius,” Mrs. Potter’s voice called from the stairs.  
  
“Coming,” he shouted back, exiting the room.  
  
He returned, a black garment bag in hand.  
  
“What’s that?” Remus asked, eyebrow raised.  
  
“Dunno. I don’t remember ordering a second set of dress robes when I bought at Malkin’s,” he noted, unzipping the garment bag.  
  
Inside, he found a black suit, with a white button down shirt with french sleeves, and a black skinny tie. He examined the label sewn into the jacket; it read _Gucci_. Pinned to the collar was an envelope, his name scribbled in Evelyn’s familiar handwriting. He carefully unpinned it, removing the note from the envelope.  
  
_Sirius, I couldn’t resist and had to get you this. I told you before how impossibly sexy you would look in a Gucci tux. There’s a pair of cuff-links in the jacket pocket. Wear it tonight. I can’t wait to see this on you. Love, Evie_  
  
“Those don’t look like any dress robes I’ve ever seen,” James noted, a confused look on his face.  
  
Lily examined the garment, her eyes lighting up, recognizing it. “It’s a tuxedo! Like a muggle version of dress robes,” she said, explaining to James.  
  
James nodded. “It looks pretty sharp, I guess. I still prefer my dress robes, though,” he noted.  
  
“This must have cost a fortune... It’s Gucci,” she said softly, fingering the soft fabric.   
  
Sirius shrugged, pocketing Evelyn’s note. “She was saying she wanted to see me in a tux,” he announced, trying to be nonchalant.   
  
“Evelyn bought you this?” Lily asked.  
  
“Yeah... She’s big on muggle fashion. She probably bought it while she was shopping for a gown for tonight at Harrods.”  
  
“She’s coming tonight?” Remus asked, suddenly.  
  
Sirius nodded. “Yeah. I mean she’s my girlfriend and everything, so-”  
  
“Oh my god! Yayyyy! We can go on double dates and oh, Sirius I’m so happy for you! This is so good. I think it’ll be good for you to have someone. She seems like a lovely person and oh, I can’t wait to get to meet her properly!” Lily gushed, her cheeks flushed with excitement.  
  
Remus suddenly stood, leaving the room, slamming the door behind him.   
  
Sirius raised his eyebrow, confused. “What the hell was that about?” he asked, to no one in particular.  
  
“Search me,” James replied, smiling as his girlfriend prattled on about her excitement about Sirius ‘finally settling down’ and everything else.

* * *

Some time later, Mrs. Potter knocked on the door, summoning Lily to come with her to the salon. Sirius turned to James. “Think I’m gonna take a shower,” he announced, wandering out towards the bathroom.   
  
James took the opportunity to go and search for Remus. He found him in the guest room, sprawled out in bed, staring up at the ceiling. He looked disheveled, his sleeves rolled up to his elbows. James eyed the fresh looking bandage wrapped around his forearm, but said nothing.  
  
“Moony.”  
  
“James.”  
  
“What’s the matter?” James asked, joining Remus on the bed, lying down beside him.  
  
“Nothing. Just wanted to lie down.”  
  
“Bollocks. Why’d you storm off like that?” James questioned.  
  
“Come off it James, I didn’t _storm off_ , I just left the room is all,” Remus replied, rolling his eyes.  
  
The two lay in silence for some time.   
  
“Is he really going out with her?” Remus said finally.  
  
“It appears so,” James replied, sighing.  
  
“Figures,” Remus muttered, closing his eyes.  
  
“What figures?” James queried.  
  
“I... I don’t know. Just... I didn’t think Sirius was the dating kind. Thought he preferred to fuck and run,” Remus replied, a hint of bitterness in his tone.  
  
“Moony...” James paused, hesitating.  
  
“What?” he asked, dreading the inevitable question that he was certain was just on the tip of James’ tongue.  
  
“Do you um... fancy Sirius?” James asked, obviously uncomfortable.  
  
Remus shut his eyes, willing himself to drop dead, right then and there. He opened his eyes. _No such luck_. He sighed, exhaling deeply through his nose.  
  
“Do you... do you like blokes? I mean... It’s okay if you do. It doesn’t bother me, none,” James stammered, sitting up.  
  
“I do,” Remus replied, quietly.  
  
“I fancy Sirius, I mean. And blokes, I guess. But I know he’s straight... It’s foolish of me, really. To even think he’d possibly consider me, when he could have someone like _her_ ,” Remus muttered, more so to himself than to James.  
  
James coughed, looking uneasy. “You never know, Moony. I mean... I’ve always gotten the impression that the female form doesn’t do much for him... And he’s always been able to open up more to you than even me, and he’s my best mate, my brother...” he trailed off, shrugging helplessly.  
  
“He could be bi, I guess,” Remus noted, sitting up, as well.   
  
“Considering how high maintenance he can be, I wouldn’t doubt that for a second,” James laughed, smiling a bit.  
  
“Just wait it out. I mean, who knows how long this thing with Evelyn will even last. I know that he has some sort of feelings about her, but she’s still hung up over Lucius Malfoy. This could very well just be a way for her to get over him and move on with her life,” James continued, shrugging.  
  
“So... What, do I just wait it out?” Remus asked, feeling uneasy.  
  
“Dunno... I mean... If you really like him, you could drop hints... see if he seems at all interested,” he suggested.  
  
“You won’t... You won’t tell him and everyone about me, will you?” Remus asked, a fearful note in his voice.  
  
“It’s not my secret to tell, Moons. Though I think you’d probably feel better if you told everyone, yourself.”  
  
“Yeah, as if my life isn’t already enough of a tragedy,” Remus scoffed, bitterly. “Remus Lupin, gay werewolf. What a bloody joke.”  
  
“Oh come off it, Moony. Any lad would be lucky to have you!” James said brightly, slapping Remus on the back.  
  
“I mean... At least this takes off the pressure of expectations for conventional marriage and breeding,” Remus noted, pulling at a loose thread on the comforter.  
  
“There ya go!”  
  
“Come on, Rem. Get dressed and ready for the party. We’ll have fun, I promise.”  
  
Remus nodded in agreement. “Alright. But please, don’t tell anyone. Please?” he begged.  
  
“I won’t. See you,” James replied, smiling and leaving the room.   
  
Remus sighed, laying back down on the bed. “Maybe they won’t notice if I just lie up here all damn night,” he said aloud, blowing hair out of his face.  
  
His sandy brown hair was in that in-between phase of short and long, falling below his ears, but still above his collar. Sighing, he got out of bed, rummaging through his bag. He gathered his toiletries, giving a listen to the hallway. He heard the water of the shower stop. _Hopefully Sirius didn’t use all the hot water._ He gathered his things and entered the hall, towards the bathroom. As he approached the door, Sirius exited, steam emanating from the bathroom. He stole a glance at Sirius' bare chest, his slim hips wrapped loosely in a towel. Remus shook his head, demanding himself to snap out of it.  
  
“Saved some hot water for the rest of us, yeah?” Remus asked, his heart pounding nervously. It always made him uneasy, being this close to Sirius, when he was in a state of undress.   
  
“Of course,” Sirius said agreeably, smiling. “Going to go and get pretty for me, Moony?” he asked, smirking.  
  
“I thought being the pretty one was your job, Pads,” Remus replied, smirking at his friend.  
  
Sirius grinned, his barking laugh sending chills down Remus’ spine. “When you’re right, you’re right, my dear Moony. I certainly _am_ the pretty one, thought you aren’t too bad, yourself.”  
  
Remus felt himself blushing, cursing himself in his head. _Cut it out before he realizes you’re a fucking pansy._  
  
“Rem?” Sirius said quietly, his hand touching Remus’ shoulder, sending a jolt of electricity through his skin.  
  
“Yeah, Pads?”  
  
“Thanks for respecting my boundaries. I know with James it’s just a matter of days before he’s back on my case, trying to shove food down my throat. I’m glad that you at least get it, that I need this... control, or whatever,” he said softly, offering Remus a slight hug.  
  
Remus froze, debating hugging the boy back, but deciding against it. As Sirius broke the embrace, Remus coughed. “I understand that you’re not there yet, but I still want you to get better, Sirius. I mean... Think about what I said. Plenty of other people have gotten through this, have gotten better. You could too.”  
  
“And plenty more have died,” Sirius replied, his features darkening.  
  
“You don’t have to be one of those statistics.”  
  
Sirius nodded, shrugging. “Maybe. I’ll see you at the party, Moony,” he said sullenly, turning towards James’ room.   
  
Remus entered the bathroom, turning the shower water on as hot as it would go. He undressed, enjoying the warmth of the steam, still lingering from Sirius’ shower. He got in the shower, letting the hot water fall over him, the heat feeling good on his skin. He winced a bit as the water hit his wounded arm, the healing cut stinging. Instinctively, he grabbed at his arm, applying pressure to dull the pain. He washed his hair quickly and cleaned himself, giving himself more time to just stand under the stream of water, enjoying the heat and pressure. His mind wandered to Sirius, of him touching him, dressed in nothing but that towel... He shook his head, cursing himself. “You can’t just wank off, thinking of him while he’s in the next bloody room over,” he told himself, adjusting the water temperature. He gave himself a quick rinse with cold water, subduing his urges, before shutting off the water and grabbing a towel, drying himself off. Using his wand, he dried his hair, tsking as it fell flat, as always. He thought of Sirius’ long locks, how his hair managed to be poker straight, yet still had volume. He examined himself in the mirror, avoiding looking at the various scars across his pale chest. “Well, this is as good as it’s going to get,” he told himself, sighing heavily. He exited the bathroom, back to the guest room, to dress.

* * *

The boys, dressed and ready, headed downstairs to join James’ parents in greeting their arriving guests.   
  
“I can’t wait to see Lily,” James gushed, readjusting his tie for the fourteenth time. “I bet she looks stunning all dressed up in a gown.”  
  
Sirius smirked, running his hand nervously through his raven locks. He glanced over at Remus, who had his hands shoved in his pockets, slouching forward, as if trying to not be seen. “You alright, Moony?” he asked.  
  
“Yeah,” Remus replied shortly, eyes boring holes into the floor.  
  
“James!” a female voice called out, garnering the trio’s attention.  
  
“Lily,” James breathed, rushing ahead of the others, pulling Lily into an embrace, twirling her around. “You look magnificent.”  
  
Lily blushed lightly, a smile creeping up her lips as James placed her back on her feet. She did look fantastic, Sirius noted, eyeing his best friend’s girlfriend. Her coppery red hair had been loosely curled, cascading down her back. She wore an ivory-colored silk pleated strapless gown, with a silver beaded belt, accentuating her tiny waistline.  
  
“You clean up well, Evans,” he noted, winking at the redhead.   
  
Lily smiled, shaking her head. “A tuxedo suits you, Sirius. Very smart looking.”  
  
“Simply ravishing, isn’t he?” Evelyn drawled, approaching the group. She paused next to Lily, staring at Sirius, still descending the stairs.  
  
“Evie,” Sirius said softly, taking in her appearance. She looked a dream in a slinky black silk halter gown, a subtle deep neckline revealing a pleasing view of her pale cleavage. Her long blonde hair had been elegantly swept back in a french twist, adding to her sophisticated look. She looked elegant, regal.  
  
He stepped towards her, kissing her softly on the lips. “I’m glad you came,” he told her, slinking his arm around her waist.   
  
“Your dress is gorgeous,” Evelyn said, turning to face Lily. “Is that an Azzaro?”  
  
Lily beamed, obviously pleased to be complimented. “Thanks so much. It is, actually... I didn’t think most witches were familiar with muggle designers,” she replied, still grinning.  
  
“I love muggle fashion. They’re far more creative than we are, in my opinion. Most of my clothes are from boutiques in muggle London,” Evelyn noted, pulling away from Sirius, engrossed in an opportunity to talk fashion with another female.  
  
“You did a very nice job dressing Sirius up. There certainly is something about a crisp tux that makes it far more alluring than dress robes,” Lily noted, a dreamy look in her eyes.  
  
“Hey! I _like_ dress robes!” James whined loudly, stamping his foot.  
  
“He can be such a child, sometimes,” Lily said, rolling her eyes.  
  
Evelyn laughed, nodding her head in agreement. “Most boys are,” she replied, toying with the clasp on her bracelet.  
  
Sirius eyed it, frowning. _Still wearing Lucius’ bracelet_. “Oh look, there’s Peter. Let’s go say hello, and grab a drink,” he announced, nodding for James and Remus to follow him.

* * *

The three wandered off, in search of their friend, leaving the two girls to themselves. “So you and Sirius are dating, now?” Lily asked, helping herself to a glass of champagne, as a server wandered by with a tray.   
  
“We are,” Evelyn confirmed, taking a delicate sip from her own champagne flute.   
  
“I’m glad. It’s good to see Sirius with someone.”  
  
Evelyn smiled politely, unsure of what to say in response.   
  
“How was the wedding? Sirius never mentioned it,” Lily asked, changing the subject, suddenly.  
  
Evelyn shrugged, her expression sullen. “It was okay. Very stuffy, formal affair. It was nice to have Sirius there... like old times.”  
  
“Our families run in the same social circles... though he’s two years younger than me, we were often dance partners at social events. He is, well, _was_ the heir to the Black family. My parents fancied the notion of marrying me off to him. Still do, honestly...” Evelyn sighed, toying with her bracelet again.   
  
“So... is Sirius still throwing up everything he eats?” Evelyn asked, draining her champagne flute.  
  
Lily blanched, taken aback by Evelyn’s sudden question. “Erm... Yeah... So, you’re aware of that?” she asked, curiously.  
  
“I’m well aware of Sirius’ habits. I wish he’d cut it out with the damn purging, though. I never saw the appeal to it,” she noted, sighing.   
  
“We’ve tried talking to him... He needs help. I mean, he barely eats and he’s purging blood,” Lily replied, her voice tinged with fear.  
  
“I know,” Evelyn said darkly, disposing her drained glass on the server’s tray, and helping herself to a fresh one.  
  
“Couldn’t you maybe talk to him, try to get him to see reason?” Lily asked, her eyes hopeful.  
  
Evelyn laughed, shaking her head. “You can’t reason with someone with an eating disorder. He won’t listen. Especially not to me.”  
  
“I’m sure Sirius holds your opinion in high regard. If you expressed concern, maybe-”  
  
“Oh my god. You don’t know about me, do you?” Evelyn interrupted, an incredulous look on her face. “I have to admit, I haven’t encountered this in years,” she continued, shaking her head.  
  
“What?” Lily asked, confused.  
  
“I’m anorexic. So... It’d be fairly hypocritical of me to preach recovery to Sirius.” Evelyn drained her glass of champagne.  
  
“Oh.” Lily looked down at the ground, clearly uncomfortable.  
  
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have pried into your personal affairs,” she apologized.  
  
“It’s okay. I’m glad that you and your friends worry for Sirius. It’s nice to see that he has people who care for him,” Evelyn replied, offering Lily a smile.

* * *

Sirius approached the makeshift bar, pouring himself a double firewhiskey. He downed the drink in one gulp, wincing as the liquor burned his throat. He stared across the room at Evelyn and Lily, scowling.   
  
“What’s wrong, mate?” James asked, touching his friend’s arm lightly.  
  
“She’s wearing _that_ bracelet. Lucius gave it to her, as a Christmas gift,” he muttered, crossing his arms.  
  
James sighed, putting his hands in his pockets. “You said it yourself, Pads. She’s still in love with him. If you’re not okay with that, maybe you should just casually date.”  
  
“I guess I’m overreacting. It’s not a big deal,” Sirius murmured in reply, turning to refill his drink.  
  
Sirius heard the sound of glass shattering, followed by a mumbled ‘fuck’.   
  
He jerked his head, turning towards the noise. Remus stood hovering over shattered glass, his hand still grasping shards of his tumbler. “Sorry... I didn’t realize I was grasping it so tight,” he mumbled, grabbing his wand from his pocket and cleaning up the mess.   
  
“You alright, Moony?” James asked, eyebrow raised.  
  
“Yep,” Remus replied, gritting his teeth. “I’m going to go clean up,” he noted, stalking off towards the bathroom.   
  
“Well.. I want to have a dance with the lovely Miss Evans, so I’ll be off, lads,” James announced, making a great show of approaching Lily.  
  
Sirius watched on, amused, as James grandiosely offered Lily his hand, pulling her towards him and twirling her around, leading her to the dance floor. He caught eyes with Evelyn, motioning her to come over to him. He turned to Peter, giving him a pointed look.   
  
“Oh look, Mary is here. Maybe I’ll ask her to dance,” Pete said suddenly, bolting off.  
  
Evelyn approached Sirius, brushing past him and beelining for the bar. “Your friend seems lovely,” she noted tersely, grabbing a bottle of gin from the bar, and pouring herself a glass.  
  
“You didn’t tell them I’m anorexic,” she whispered in his ear, her tone flat, unreadable.  
  
“Sorry... I didn’t think the subject would come up,” he mumbled, taking a sip of his drink.   
  
“Well... now _she_ knows. They’re probably all going to hate me now, think I’m a bad influence on you or something,” she said softly, her voice wavering a bit.   
  
“Fuck ‘em. Like you said about them trying to force me to eat, Evie... They don’t get a say in the matter. My life, my decision,” Sirius assured her, kissing her cheek. “Come on now, it’s a party. Don’t sulk.”  
  
“Like you were the entire time I was talking to Lily?” Evelyn retorted, smirking.  
  
“Have you spoken to Lucius at all?”  
  
“ **No** ,” Evelyn snapped, glaring.   
  
“I’m sorry,” Sirius muttered, looking down at the ground. “I don’t mean to be like that... I guess I’m just...”  
  
“Jealous?” Evelyn asked, laughing.  
  
“Or something. I don’t know. I don’t know how to do this whole, relationship thing.”  
  
“We can be together without being together together, you know,” Evelyn noted, refilling her glass.  
  
Sirius cocked his head towards her, a curious expression on his face.  
  
“I mean... When we’re together, we’re together. But we’re free to our own devices when we’re alone. I mean, you’re in school. I have no qualms with you doing as you please,” she explained, her eyes scanning Sirius’ face for a reaction.  
  
“So, like an open relationship,” Sirius replied, looking for confirmation.  
  
“Something like that. I mean, I love you, Sirius. Truly. But, let’s be real here. While you’re off at school and I’m stuck in London, bored to tears, there’s no way I’m not going to be going without sex. It’s just not going to happen,” she noted, apologetically.  
  
“It’s nothing against you. You’re lovely, and a great fuck, but... oh Christ. I guess Severus was right. I am something of a slut,” she continued, taking a deep sip of her drink.   
  
“You’re not a slut,” Sirius replied, frowning.  
  
“No, it’s okay. I know what I am, Siri. I use men the same way they use me. Mutual usury. I’m okay with it,” she said, staring broodingly into her glass. She tilted her head back, draining it.   
  
“Let’s dance,” Sirius said suddenly, taking Evelyn’s glass from her hand and placing it on the counter.  
  
She nodded, following him out to the dance floor. Sirius snaked his arm around her waist, pulling her closely to him, leading her in the steps to a simple waltz. They glided past James and Lily, smiling at the happy pair. Lily smiled back at Sirius and Evelyn, to Evelyn’s relief. They danced for quite some time, finally taking a break for further libations. Sirius and Evelyn, followed by James and Lily, headed to the bar, where Peter and Remus stood, sipping at drinks.  
  
“Siri, make me a drink, please?” Evelyn asked, cheeks flushed from dancing.  
  
“I’m glad you could join us, tonight, Evelyn,” James said, smiling at her.  
  
“Thank you for having me... I’m having fun. It’s very... relaxing, compared to most functions I’ve attended. Your parents are lovely people,” she replied, nervously eyeing Lily.  
  
“Perhaps the four of us could meet up in Hogsmeade, sometime,” Lily suggested, glancing nervously back at Evelyn.  
  
“Brilliant,” Evelyn replied, accepting the glass of gin Sirius handed her.   
  
“Finally, a double date!” Lily squealed, unable to contain her excitement at the prospect of it.  
  
Remus coughed, draining his drink and slamming the glass on the counter. James eyed him nervously.  
  
James glanced across the room, to the entrance leading into the main foyer. His eyes bulged slightly, his jaw tightening.   
  
“What’s up, Prongsie?” Sirius asked, curiously, his back turned to where James was looking.   
  
“Um... Don’t look at who just came in,” James sputtered, taking a long sip of his drink.  
  
Sirius turned his head, as to get a quick look. He balled his hands up into fists as he caught sight of the blond couple entering the room; Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy. “What are _they_ doing here?” he hissed, between clenched teeth.  
  
“Lucius works at the Ministry... I suppose he got invited... though you’d think he’d have decided to go to one of his own sort’s parties,” James explained, perplexed.   
  
The couple walked by, staring pointedly at the group. “Potter... _Black_...” Lucius said coolly, nodding at James and Sirius. His eyes flickered on Evelyn for a moment, before the pair continued onward, offering no recognition of her presence. Sirius barely had a moment to register what had transpired before he saw Evelyn stalk past him, making a hasty exit towards the back garden.   
  
“What the bloody hell was that about?” Peter inquired, raising an eyebrow at Sirius.  
  
“Fuck if I know,” he replied, raising his drink and tossing back it’s contents. 

* * *

Evelyn hovered by the fountain, cigarette pressed between her lips, shivering. _Wish I’d brought a coat_ , she thought miserably, wrapping her arms around herself tightly, in an attempt to keep warm.   
  
“Evelyn,” Lucius said sharply, drawing her attention. He approached her, removing his cloak and wrapping it around her shoulders.  
  
She gazed up at him icily, her arms still wrapped around herself. “Oh, you remember who I am, again?” she sneered, her lips twisting into a scowl.  
  
“I was accompanied by my wife of only a week, do you really think it would have been appropriate for me to acknowledge my former lover?” he replied, his tone even, emotionless.  
  
“ _Former_? So I guess you won’t be visiting London, or me?” Evelyn asked, a pang of fear in her chest.  
  
She was angry, certainly; angry at the spurn, at Lucius for marrying Narcissa. Still, she didn’t want to lose him. She was willing to take whatever he had to offer, regardless of how degrading the circumstances were. _You’re pathetic._  
  
“Evelyn, please. Not now. You know I love you... I told you, you have to be patient, love. I need to fulfill my duties to my wife, to my family. Once things have settled down, I’ll have more time for you,” Lucius explained, his tone almost chastising.   
  
He pulled her close to him, pressing his lips to hers. She kissed back, her fingers running through his hair.   
  
“I’m sorry... I know you’re busy... I... I love you,” Evelyn stammered, her lower lip quivering. _Don’t cry, don’t you dare cry_ , she scolded herself, biting down on her lip, in an attempt to bottle up her emotions.   
  
Lucius smiled, looking down at her wrist. “That bracelet does look lovely on you. Perhaps a necklace to match would be in order?” he asked, stroking her hair.  
  
Evelyn nodded, not trusting herself to speak.  
  
“I should get back. We only stopped in to make an appearance... I told Cissy it was to speak with the Minister of Magic, but of course my underlying reason for coming by was to see you, my Evie,” he assured her, leaning in to kiss her again.  
  
Evelyn obliged, her thoughts racing as she kissed back, eyes squeezed shut to hold back tears.  
  
“Happy New Year, love. I’ll see you in London, then?” Lucius asked, smiling at her.  
  
Evelyn nodded, removing his cloak from her shoulders. She handed it to him, her hands shaking. “Happy New Year, Lucius,” she whispered, a single tear running down her right cheek. 

* * *

Sirius clinked his glass against Remus’, before gulping down its remains in a single gulp. James and Lily had slinked off to a secluded corner for some privacy shortly after Evelyn had stormed off, and Peter had excused himself to dance with Mary, leaving Remus and himself lurking by the bar. “Cheers to another new year,” Sirius slurred, sloshing some firewhiskey onto himself as he poured himself another glass.  
  
“It’s not New Year’s yet,” Remus corrected him, dabbing at Sirius’ front with a towel, to soak up the spill.  
  
“Shtill... It’s me and you, Moony. The two Marauders, ringing in the new year without some damn bird,” he laughed, taking a sip of his drink.  
  
“You could go find Evelyn, if you wanted to, Pads. The countdown is going to start any minute now,” Remus noted, taking a sip of his own drink. They had been drinking heavily for the past hour, and he was most certainly tipsy, to say the least.  
  
Sirius shrugged. “Why bother? She’s probably with _Lucius_ ,” he muttered darkly, scowling.   
  
“I doubt that... She seemed pretty upset. Are you sure you don’t want to go find her?” Remus asked, his conscience nagging at him. _He has a girlfriend. This is so wrong. He should be counting down to midnight with HER, not YOU._  
  
“Nah. I wannna ring in the new year with my Moony... You’re the bestest friend in the world, Moony,” Sirius staggered forward, throwing his arms around Remus’ neck. He grinning up at him, leaning on Remus for support.  
  
_10, 9, 8, 7..._  
  
“You’re my best friend, too, Padfoot,” Remus replied, his cheeks beginning to flush as Sirius pressed himself closer to him.  
  
_6, 5, 4, 3..._  
  
“You have the most beautiful eyes,” Sirius mumbled, gazing into Remus’ eyes, transfixed.  
  
_2, 1... HAPPY NEW YEAR!_  
  
Sirius leaned forward, pressing his lips to Remus’, his right hand wrapped around the back of his head, pulling him closer. Remus kissed back, electricity running through his veins as he felt Sirius’ tongue on his lips, begging for entry. Remus obliged, opening his mouth, deepening the kiss. _This can’t be happening_ , he thought, continuing to kiss. _I must have died. Died and gone to heaven._  
  
Sirius stumbled forward, breaking the kiss. “Oops... Sorry, Moony,” he laughed, resting his head against Remus’ shoulder.   
  
“Come on, let’s go get some champagne!” Sirius said loudly, grabbing Remus’ arm and dragging him out towards the dance floor, where servers were handing out flutes of champagne. Sirius grabbed two glasses, handing Remus one.  
  
“Happy New Year, Moony!” Sirius said, raising his glass, sloshing more drink on himself.  
  
“Happy New Year, Padfoot,” Remus replied, smiling brightly at his friend. 

* * *

“Where’s Evelyn?” Lily asked, suddenly.  
  
Sirius shrugged. “I unno... You haven’t seen her?” he asked, turning to James and Lily.  
  
The pair shook their heads in unison.  
  
“She’s over there,” Remus noted, nodding his head towards a group of Ministry officials gathered by the doorway to the gardens.  
  
“Guess I should go talk to her,” Sirius muttered, shoving his hands in his pockets.  
  
He headed across the room, his vision doubled. “Evie,” he muttered, grabbing her arm.   
  
“Hey,” she replied, excusing herself from the two wizards she had been chatting with.  
  
“Are you okay?” he asked her, pulling her outside, into the gardens.  
  
She shrugged, lighting a cigarette.   
  
“You’ve been crying,” he noted, reaching into his breast pocket and retrieving his own packet of cigarettes and his lighter. He quickly lit up, taking a drag.  
  
“I’m sorry I didn’t follow you when you ran off,” Sirius apologized, taking a seat on the ledge of the fountain.   
  
“It’s better you didn’t,” Evelyn noted, taking a seat beside him.  
  
“Why?”  
  
Evelyn sighed, resting her head on Sirius’ shoulder. “Lucius came. We exchanged words. Then I cried, like the fool that I am,” she replied, her words slurred.   
  
_She’s likely as drunk as I feel_ , Sirius thought, biting his lower lip. He tried to focus, but found it difficult.  
  
“So... I s’pose we need to think of New Year’s resolutions,” Sirius slurred, glancing over at Evelyn, still resting on his shoulder.   
  
“I’m going to _try_ and stop purging. Really, this time,” he continued, stroking Evelyn’s hair. “What about you?”  
  
Evelyn sat up, head tilted to the side, thinking. They sat in silence for several minutes, as she considered.  
  
Finally, she took a deep breath, tears forming in her eyes. She locked eyes with Sirius, sighing before opening her mouth to speak.  
  
“The only New Year’s resolution I have is that I don’t want to live another year in pain. I’m just not sure if that means that I want to live or die.”


	13. I'm Fine, I'm Fine; These Words are All I Have to Hide Behind

The next morning, Remus woke to James observing him from the doorway.  
  
“Ughhhhh... what do you want?” he muttered, clutching his head. He had a throbbing headache. _Probably because you drank like a fish, last night._  
  
“Brought you a hangover tonic,” James said, offering him the vial in his hand.  
  
Remus grabbed at it eagerly, drinking it down with one swig. “Thanks,” he croaked, his throat dry. _Probably dehydrated_. “Water?” he asked, staring at James pleadingly.  
  
James shook his head, laughing. “You’re a wizard, Moony,” he laughed, grabbing a clean glass off of the bedside table. “Aguamenti,” he said clearly, swishing his wand and filling the glass with water. “Here,” he said, handing Remus the glass.  
  
“Thanks,” Remus replied, greedily sipping the water. The coolness soothed his throat, and his head started to feel clearer.  
  
“So,” James started, taking a seat on the foot of Moony’s bed. “How was it?”  
  
“How was what?” Remus asked, frowning.  
  
“The kiss,” James prompted, incredulously.  
  
Remus’ eyes widened, recalling the events of the prior night. He touched his lips, thinking of Sirius leaning close to him, pressing his lips to his. “It was... uhhh....” he stammered, nervously.  
  
“Relax. No one else saw. I only saw out of the corner of my eye,” James assured him, grinning.  
  
“Come on, Moony! Did Siri give you a right proper snog?” James asked, persistent.  
  
“It was nice... unexpected, but very nice,” Moony affirmed, his cheeks flushed with embarrassment.  
  
“I knew he fancied blokes!” James announced, grinning triumphantly.  
  
Remus paused, wrinkling his brows in thought. “I dunno... I mean, he was pretty drunk, James. He probably didn’t even realize what he was doing... and probably doesn’t even remember it, now,” he said softly, frowning.  
  
“Come on, Moony. A drunk mind speaks a sober heart,” James said brightly, continuing to grin at his friend. “Anyway, my parents prepared brunch. Come on now, downstairs,” he continued, motioning for his friend to follow him.  
  
Moony groaned, sitting up in bed. “I feel like I’m going to pass out,” he moaned, carefully standing.  
  
“Well come downstairs and have some breakfast. C’mon,” he insisted, his impatience apparent.  
  
Remus quickly pulled on a pair of brown cords, as well as a baggy jumper. Reluctantly, he followed James down the stairs to the dining room, where the others were already seated. He gave a nervous glance towards Sirius, who was staring at the spread before him, deep in thought.  
  
“Moony!” Peter said warmly, grinning at his friend.  
  
Sirius glanced up, looking at Remus. He nodded, a tiny smile creeping on his face. Remus breathed a sigh of relief, relaxing. _Perhaps all is well_ , he considered, taking a seat between Lily and Peter. He poured himself a mug of coffee, adding cream and sugar to his liking.

* * *

Sirius stared at the spread before him, nervous. His head was pounding, and his stomach ached dully. He had had far too much to drink the night before; even the hangover tonic hadn’t done much to improve his condition. Evelyn had made a hasty exit at the very mention of brunch. She had barely given him a kiss goodbye before gathering her handbag and apparating home. He glanced at the pile of crisp, buttery toast, considering. _Maybe some toast will settle my stomach._ Shakily, he reached out, grabbing a piece of the toast. He took a bite, his taste buds overwhelmed with the flavor of butter; it had been so, so long since he’d eaten anything that wasn’t bland, and the toast tasted _so good_. He glanced at the table, suddenly ravenous. He took a serving of breakfast potatoes, as well as two pancakes. He took a bite of potato, barely chewing, rather shoveling food into his mouth, and swallowing. He poured syrup over the pancakes, licking his lips in anticipation. He took a bite, enjoying the grit of the sugar in the syrup against his teeth as he chewed. His plate cleared, he grabbed a freshly baked breakfast bun. He took large bites, finishing the bun quickly, washing it down with orange juice. The acidity burnt his throat, but he ignored it, still staring, transfixed an the food before him. He helped himself to a serving of scrambled eggs and bacon, shoveling forkfuls into his mouth, not even registering the taste of anything. At last, he dropped his fork, his stomach full, protesting. His eyes glazed slightly, the manic frenzy of needing to eat replaced by fear and disgust. He stood, ignoring the pointed stares of his friends. “I’m going to take a shower,” he muttered, stalking off towards the stairs.  
  
His attempt to walk calmly away lasted until he reached the second step on the stairs, hurtling himself up the rest of the way, slamming the bathroom door shut. He clumsily grabbed his wand out of his pocket, muttering locking and silencing spells, before dropping to his knees. He clutched at his stomach, letting out a moan. He stared down hatefully; his stomach was distended, having eaten more than he had in months. A wave of nausea hit him, and he grabbed at the seat of the toilet, lowering his head and vomiting. He winced, gagging as he regurgitated large chunks of unchewed food, gasping for air. Running a hand across his stomach, he froze, panicked. He still felt the swell of his stomach, fear coursing through his veins. Viciously, he shoved his fingers down his throat, gagging as he retched up the remainder of the contents of his stomach. He continued until he was throwing up only stomach acid, terrified that he hadn’t been able to get everything up. Shakily, he rested his head on the toilet seat, his chest tight, heart beating fast, too fast. He pulled himself upright, one hand clutching his chest, the other pinching the bridge of his nose, eyes squeezed shut. He flushed the toilet, grabbing onto the sink counter to keep himself upright. He wiped his mouth with his sleeve, staring into the mirror. His lips were cracked, his skin splotchy, his cheeks puffy, from purging. His eyes were red, he noted. He turned on the water, rinsing his hands, before cupping them, bringing a sip of water to his lips. His throat burned as the water trickled down, bringing painful tears to his eyes. He swallowed, hard. His mouth tasted like vomit, though overpowered by a coppery taste; _blood_. He took another gulp of water, desperate to rinse the taste of blood from his mouth, to no avail. Sirius turned the tap of the shower on, as hot as it would go. Stripping his clothes, he entered the shower, letting the hot water pour down on him. He carefully lowered himself to the floor, not trusting his legs to support him. He sat under the shower head for some time, dizzy, willing his heart to stop pounding. Once he felt stable enough, he stood, busying himself with shampooing his hair. He rinsed his locks, attempting to detangle it with his fingers. He soaped himself, trying to ignore the burning in his throat. He stood under the shower head for some time, letting the water rinse the soap off of him, feeling too tired to move. He turned his head, a pang of anxiety hitting him, as he heard knocking on the bathroom door.  
  
‘Padfoot? You okay?”  
  
Sirius swallowed, willing himself to respond. It was James. “Yeah,” he called out, turning the water off, exiting the shower.  
  
He grabbed a towel, wrapping himself with it, his heart still racing. He grabbed at his stomach. It was still aching, the burning sensation still strong as before. Hands shaking, he unlocked the door, opening it just a crack.  
  
“Are you okay?” James asked, a concerned look on his face.  
  
“Yeah,” Sirius replied, nodding.  
  
“Bad hangover?”  
  
“Yeah,” Sirius agreed. “I’m going back to bed.”  
  
“The lads and I were thinking of heading to Diagon Alley today... we could postpone it until you’re feeling better,” James offered.  
  
“Nah. You go ahead. I think I need to just sleep this off,” Sirius replied, offering James a pained smile.  
  
“Alright. We’ll see you later, then,” James replied, turning and heading downstairs.  
  
Sirius breathed a sigh of relief, dragging himself back to his bedroom. He pulled on a pair of pajama bottoms, tossing his still damp towel towards the corner of the room. He climbed back into bed, nestling himself under the covers. He clutched at his stomach, the burning feeling unbearable. _At least my heart stopped beating so fast. Thank god for small miracles_. He tossed and turned, struggling to get comfortable. His legs cramped, from dehydration. His stomach continued to ache, leaving him clutching at his middle, teeth gritted, barely able to stand the pain. At last, he drifted off into a fitful slumber.  
  
Sirius slept through the rest of the day, not so much as fluttering his eyes open when James and the others attempted to shake him awake to come down to supper. The next morning, Sirius stirred, feeling feverish. He shakily rose from bed, reaching for his pouch of pills. He dry-swallowed a handful, shaking involuntarily. _It’s bloody freezing in here_ , he thought dully, rubbing his arms for warmth. He glanced at his watch, lying on his bedside table; 5AM. Shrugging, Sirius decided to take a shower, to warm up. He entered the bathroom, glancing at his reflection in the mirror. He instinctively touched his stomach, following his daily routine of body-checking. His stomach was flat as ever, to his relief. He grabbed at his hipbones, closing his eyes and breathing calmly; he found this start to his day to be completely relaxing, assuring himself that he hadn’t somehow gained twenty pounds overnight. He glanced at the bathroom scale nervously. Before he had left Grimmauld Place, Sirius had been something of a slave to his bathroom scale. During summer holidays, he’d weigh himself compulsively, sometimes five or six times a day. Unable to resist the temptation, he stepped on, staring down at the flickering numbers anxiously. 6st 9. Sirius grinned, triumphant. He turned on the shower, waiting for the water to warm up before stepping in. He stood still for several moments, focusing on breathing an letting the water bring up his core temperature. He washed his hair, massaging his scalp, in an attempt to ward off the aching in his head. _I feel dreadful_. He shook his head, rinsing the shampoo from out of his hair, detangling knots with his fingers. He felt a rush of dizziness, shooting his arm out to lean against the wall, holding himself upright. “Fuck,” he mumbled, his vision blurred, the now-familiar black spots and sparkliness obscuring his sight. He squeezed his eyes shut, breathing deeply through his nose, willing the dizzy spell to pass. With his free hand, he grabbed at his side, feeling his rib cage, tracing the bones, beginning to become quite prominent, he noted. _I’m fine_ , he assured himself, lightly stroking his bottom right rib. He inhaled slightly, grabbing at his lower rib; he was able to curl his fingers so that he was clutching the bottom row in his hand, his stomach beginning to concave. He found this reassuring, somehow. “I feel fine,” he told himself, aloud, again. “I’m fine.”

* * *

Reluctantly, Sirius entered the lobby of St. Mungo’s. He had been hesitant to show up for his follow-up appointment, had intended to blow it off, even. However, after the past week of barely being able to function, struggling to maintain his cheerful facade for his friends’ sake, he decided it would be in his best interest to go. He strode purposefully straight to the elevators, not bothering to announce his presence at the front desk. He exited the lift, his heart beating anxiously, as he approached the nurse’s station. He stood silently for a moment, waiting for someone to look up and notice him.  
  
“I’m here for an appointment with Healer Perkins,” he announced, as a young witch glanced up from her paperwork.  
  
“Sirius,” she said warmly, recognizing him.  
  
It was the healer-in-training he had had at the last appointment. Ariana was her name, Sirius thought, frowning in concentration. He watched as Ariana stood, eyeing Sirius as she grabbed his chart. He attempted to ignore her pitying looks as she stared at him, taking in his appearance.  
  
“Alright, well let’s get on with it. Room 3100 today, Sirius,” she said suddenly, her cheerfulness returned.  
  
Sirius nodded, following the young woman down the hall, towards the room labeled 3100. “Up on the the scale, if you please?” she requested, offering him a tiny smile.  
  
Sirius nodded, removing his shoes. He undressed slowly, dreading this. He pulled off his jumper and shirt, then unbuckled his belt. He removed his jeans, leaving himself in only his boxers. Sighing, he stepped onto the scale, eyes closed. He breathed slowly, sensing Ariana hovering over him, fiddling with the scale.  
  
“Okay, you can get off, now,” she said suddenly, whisking off towards the desk in the corner, where she promptly began writing on his chart.  
  
“If you would take a seat on the table,” she noted, nodding towards the examination table.  
  
Sirius nodded, obeying. Ariana approached him, thermometer in hand. “Open your mouth, tongue up,” she instructed, inserting the device into his mouth.  
  
Sirius obeyed, watching Ariana closely as she peered down at her watch, apparently counting.  
  
She removed the thermometer from his mouth, reading it, and writing something down on the chart. “Thirty-six degrees Celsius, that’s low,” she noted, peering at him.  
  
“My temperature always runs low,” Sirius replied, arms crossed.  
  
“I’m going to take your blood pressure now,” Ariana said, wrapping what appeared to be the child-sized cuff around Sirius’ right arm.  
  
She checked his blood pressure while he was seated, then had him stand, immediately taking his blood pressure again. She scribbled on his chart, saying nothing. She frowned, biting her lower lip. “Your blood pressure is low... I’m going to take a listen to your heart now,” she announced, producing a stethoscope from the pocket of her lab coat.  
  
She placed the diaphragm on his chest, instructing him to breathe normally. The metal felt cold on Sirius’ bare skin and he fidgeted, goosebumps crawling over his skin. He watched her features carefully, as she began to frown. She removed the diaphragm from his chest suddenly, swiftly exiting the room. Sirius eyed the door nervously, clutching at his chest. His heart was racing, again. The door burst open, Ariana pushing some sort of contraption into the room, Healer Perkins following behind her.  
  
Sirius stared, shocked, as Ariana approached him, attaching small metal discs on his chest, as well as on his arms and legs. “What the hell is going on?” Sirius protested, smacking at the healer-in-training’s hand as she attempted to attach the discs to wires protruding from the machine she had wheeled in.  
  
“We’re performing an EKG, Sirius,” Healer Perkins said calmly, his expression unreadable.  
  
“I’m going to need you to lie down, okay sweetheart?” Ariana asked, once the wires were all attached.  
  
Sirius nodded, pulling his legs up onto the table and lying down. He focused on breathing, ignoring the two healers watching him intently.  
  
“We need you to lie perfectly still, Sirius. Try and breathe normally. No deep breaths, okay?” Healer Perkins instructed, fiddling with the knobs on the machine.  
  
Sirius remained silent, staring up at the ceiling, ignoring the pounding of his heart in his chest. _Why the fuck did I even come?_  
  
“You can sit up now, Sirius,” Perkins instructed, once the test was completed.  
  
Sirius nodded, swinging his legs over so they were dangling over the edge of the table. He winched as Ariana removed the discs from his chest, the stickiness holding them in place causing pain as she peeled them off of him.  
  
“We’re going to need a urine sample,” Perkins announced, walking towards the cabinet over the Healer’s desk. He procured a plastic cup with a lid, returning over to Sirius, and handing him it.  
  
“Now?” Sirius asked, nervously.  
  
“Preferably,” Perkins replied, his tone dry, unnerving.  
  
Sirius nodded, getting up from the table. He grabbed at the edge as he stood, waiting for his dizziness to pass. Ignoring the pointed stares of the two healers, Sirius stalked away towards the conjoined bathroom, locking the door. He quickly took a piss, capturing the sample. Once he had sealed the cup, he turned to the sink, quickly washing his hands. He stared into the mirror, breathing heavily. His chest ached, and he quickly grasped at it, struggling to slow his breathing. _I’m hyperventilating_ , he thought, squeezing his eyes shut, forcing himself to breathe slowly, in and out through his nose. Once he had calmed down sufficiently, he returned to the exam room, where the two healers were waiting.  
  
“Here,” Sirius said, placing the urine sample onto the exam table, and taking a seat, once more.  
  
“We need to take a blood sample,” Ariana said apologetically, a rubber tourniquet in hand.  
  
Sirius sighed, holding out his right arm to her, watching as she tied off right above his elbow. He turned away as she procured a syringe, wincing as he felt the needle enter his skin. Finally, after what felt like forever, he felt the needle being removed from his arm, the tourniquet untied. Sirius watched as Ariana handed four vials of blood over to another woman who had entered the room at some point. He observed as Ariana turned to Perkins, expectant. “Move him to room 3200. Start him on fluids. I’ll be in once I’ve gotten the lab results,” he replied, grabbing the printed results of the EKG and exiting the room.  
  
Sirius looked up at Ariana, terrified. “Wh-what’s going on?” he asked, struggling to remain calm.  
  
“You’re severely dehydrated, Sirius. Your heartbeat was well above normal range, and your blood pressure, already low, plummets when you stand. We need to get you hydrated and stabilize your electrolytes. Okay?”  
  
Sirius stared blankly, struggling to register what was happening.  
  
“I’ll get you a gown. One second,” Ariana said, excusing herself from the room.  
  
“Fuck,” Sirius whispered, burying his face in his hands, painful tears trickling down his cheeks.

* * *

Remus sat before his therapist, calmly observing her. After his outburst before the holidays, he had debated never returning. However, James had convinced him otherwise.  
  
“Come on, now. Sirius is going back to see his healer, even though he bloody hates him. Set a good example, Moony,” he had insisted, staring at Remus pleadingly.  
  
“How were your holidays, Remus?” Elaine asked, hands folded on her desk.  
  
“They were okay,” he replied, shrugging.  
  
“How is your friend?”  
  
Remus paused, frowning. “He’s not well. But he puts up a good front,” he said, finally.  
  
“Have you spoken to him at all, about your feelings towards him?” she asked, opening his file and beginning to write.  
  
“No,” Remus said sharply, wringing his hands in his lap. “But I told one of my friends, James. And...” he trailed off, picking at a hangnail.  
  
“And?” Elaine prompted, eyeing him curiously.  
  
“Sirius and I... We kissed. Well, he kissed me,” Remus gushed, nervously.  
  
“So he expressed interest in you, sexually?” Elaine queried, looking up from the file she was writing in.  
  
Remus stared, a frown beginning to form on his face. “No... I mean... it was New Year’s... We were drinking and at midnight, he leaned forward and kissed me... like a kiss kiss. A tongue kiss,” he explained, elaborating.  
  
“Have you spoken to him about it? About the kiss?”  
  
Remus rolled his eyes. “No. I... I don’t know how to broach it. What if he didn’t mean it? I mean, he was drunk. And he has a girlfriend.”  
  
“You mentioned a girl that your friends were trying to set him up with... Evelyn was her name, right?”  
  
Remus nodded. “Yeah... that’s her. They’re dating now,” he affirmed.  
  
“How do you feel about that?”  
  
Remus wringed his hands, silent for a moment. “Angry. Really angry. I mean... she seems nice enough, I guess. But it’s like... I care so much for Sirius, and I think that I... I would be better for him. She’s still in love with her ex, and the way she acts sometimes, she seems so nonchalant towards him.”  
  
“She’s still in love with her ex?” Elaine asked, eyebrow raised. “What makes you say that?”  
  
Remus shrugged. “That’s what Sirius said. He was... upset with her, I think, on New Years Eve. I told him to go find her so they could countdown to New Year’s, when he was going on about it being just me and him, alone. He kind of nastily brushed off the suggestion, saying that she was probably off with her ex, who had showed up at the party.”  
  
Elaine pursed her lips, deep in thought. Remus started to roll up his sleeves, the room stiflingly warm. He paused as he noticed the therapist staring at his left arm, glancing down. _Oh right, the bandage_. He remained silent, staring ahead, waiting for Elaine to speak.  
  
“Your arm... I can’t help but notice it’s bandaged up. Are you alright?” she asked, looking concerned.  
  
Remus shrugged. “Yeah. I um... I cut again,” he admitted, seeing no use in lying.  
  
“Why?”  
  
“To make a point to someone.”  
  
Elaine frowned. “What do you mean by that?”  
  
“I did it when I knew Sirius would walk into my bedroom... to prove a point to him, about how hurting yourself affects the people around you, the people who love you,” Remus explained, staring her down.  
  
Elaine observed for a moment, quiet, before turning her head down, scribbling notes on his chart. “While I concede that what you did was a rather poignant metaphor, I can’t condone your methods. The ends don’t justify the means,” she replied curtly, still writing away on his file.  
  
“At least I got through to him, a little bit. Finally,” he muttered, rolling his eyes.  
  
“How have you been feeling lately?” she asked him, ignoring his commentary.  
  
Remus shrugged. “Surprisingly good,” he admitted. “I mean... I was really upset and angry about the whole Evelyn thing but... ever since New Year’s I’ve felt pretty okay. Like things don’t seem so hard, anymore.”  
  
“Do you think this could be because of the kiss?” Elaine prompted.  
  
“I’unno. Maybe? I just feel like maybe I could have a chance.”  
  
Elaine nodded. “And you haven’t spoken to him about it, yet.”  
  
“No,” Remus confirmed.  
  
“I think that you need to address it with Sirius. Perhaps verbalizing what transpired on New Year’s will shed some light on any possible reciprocated feelings between the two of you,” Elaine said, offering Remus a rare smile.  
  
“That’s what James keeps telling me. He’s insistent that I sit Sirius down and talk about it,” Remus replied, rolling his eyes.  
  
“There’s only room for speculation until you ask him, himself,” Elaine noted.  
  
“I’m afraid of rejection. I mean... what if I tell him... tell him I’m gay, and fancy him, and he freaks out, says he was just drunk and the kiss meant nothing?” Remus admitted, frowning.  
  
“You won’t know until you try.”

* * *

Sirius lay miserably in a hospital bed, staring at the IV drip he was attached to. _I hate my fucking life_ , he thought miserably, listening to the clicking sound of the IV slowly releasing fluids into his veins. He had been alone in his room for nearly an hour, still waiting for Healer Perkins to come back and discuss his lab results with him. As if on cue, Healer Perkins entered the room, his file in hand.  
  
“Sirius,” he greeted him, taking a seat at the Healer’s desk in the room.  
  
“So?” Sirius prompted, pushing himself up into a sitting position.  
  
“Let me preface this by saying that your health is deteriorating, rapidly, Sirius,” Perkins said, folding his arms, eyeing him sternly.  
  
Sirius shrugged, saying nothing.  
  
“Your EKG shows that your heart is beating faster than is normal, and irregularly at that. Your urinalysis showed amphetamines in your system in excessive quantities. As I’m sure you’re aware, amphetamines are a stimulant. In addition to suppressing the appetite and enhancing alertness and productivity, they also increase your heart rate. Excessive use is what is likely causing you to experience supra-ventricular tachycardia. I assume you’ve been experiencing chest pain, lightheadedness, and a pounding pulse?”  
  
Sirius nodded. “Y-yeah, I have. I’ve had a lot of chest pain,” he admitted, nervously.  
  
“Your electrolytes and potassium levels are dangerously low, as I predicted. Hence why you’re already on an IV,” Perkins continued, looking down at his chart.  
  
“Your blood pressure is low. It dropped from 90/50 to 80/40 when you stood. I noticed you got dizzy and needed a moment to steady yourself when you rose quickly from the table. You are experiencing what is called orthostasis.”  
  
Sirius nodded, biting his lower lip. _Well, that explains why everything turns black and sparkly every time I stand up too quickly_ , he thought wryly.  
  
“You’re malnourished. You’ve lost thirty pounds since you were here in September.”  
  
Sirius couldn’t help but smile at Perkins’ comment.  
  
“Sirius. This isn’t a joke. I wasn’t trying to use scare tactics when I told you that this will kill you. Do you have any idea what sort of condition you are in right now? Combining your low blood pressure with your erratic heartbeat, you’re on the verge of falling into cardiac arrest, at any time. Do you understand how serious this is?” Perkins lectured, his eyes piercing, stern.  
  
“I’m always Sirius, Healer Perkins,” Sirius smirked, laughing at his own joke.  
  
Perkins stared at him, his expression turning from anger to one of concern. “Do you want to die, Sirius?” he asked.  
  
Sirius stared back at him, gnawing at his lower lip. “I don’t know,” he replied, staring down at his lap.  
  
“Your glands are swollen. How often are you purging?” Perkins asked, standing, approaching Sirius.  
  
Sirius shrugged. “It depends,” he replied.  
  
“On?”  
  
“Whether or not I eat. I don’t know... when I eat, maybe twice a day,” he started, pausing, deep in thought. “Twice a day, five days a week,” he continued, his face void of expression.  
  
“You have Russell’s sign,” Perkins noted, motioning towards Sirius’ right hand.  
  
Sirius glanced up at the healer, perplexed.  
  
“Scarring on your knuckles, from inducing purging,” he elaborated.  
  
“Can you sit on the edge of the bed for me, Sirius? I want to examine your throat.”  
  
Sirius did as he was told, swinging his legs to the edge of the bed. Healer Perkins procured an otoscope from his coat pocket, instructing Sirius to open his mouth wide, sticking his tongue out.  
  
“Your throat is red, inflamed,” Healer Perkins noted, as Sirius shut his mouth. “And your breath has a metallic scent.”  
  
“I’ve been vomiting blood for a while now,” Sirius admitted, looking down at his lap.  
  
Perkins’ eyes bulged. “And you didn’t think to go to the hospital, to seek treatment?” he snapped, pressing on the call button attached to Sirius’ bed post.  
  
“I didn’t care,” Sirius noted.  
  
Ariana entered the room, noticing the level of tension between the healer and patient.  
  
“Start Mr. Black on a bag of antibiotics. He has esophageal tearing. We want to prevent infection,” Perkins instructed, looking down at his chart.  
  
Ariana nodded, exiting the room.  
  
“Sirius. I want to stress upon you how serious this is. If one of these esophageal tears were to rupture, you could die. You _need_ to stop purging. Besides the obvious risk of rupturing your esophagus, it’s compounding the issues caused by your starvation,” Perkins explained, sighing deeply.  
  
Ariana returned to the room, attaching the new bag to his IV line. Once sure that it was running smoothly, she paused, hesitantly.  
  
“Yes?” Perkins asked, exasperated.  
  
“Sirius has a visitor... Evelyn Greengrass?” she said quickly, wincing at Perkins’ withering glares.  
  
“Send her in, please?” Sirius requested, weakly.  
  
Ariana nodded, before hurrying out the door. “She’s my girlfriend,” Sirius explained, taking Perkins’ confused look to mean requiring an explanation.  
  
The two turned their heads as there was a knock on the door. Evelyn opened the door, rushing towards Sirius.  
  
“Are you okay?” she asked, taking a seat beside him on the bed.  
  
“Yeah... just dehydrated and stuff... when can I leave?” he asked, looking to the healer.  
  
“Mr. Black, given the circumstances, it is my recommendation that you be placed into inpatient treatment, in order to stabilize your health.”  
  
“Oh, please,” Evelyn interjected, rolling her eyes. “He’s fine. Come now, Perkins. You’ve seen worse.”  
  
“Considering the fact that he came here today on the verge of going into cardiac arrest, I’m afraid I have to disagree, Miss Greengrass,” Perkins replied sharply, giving her a disdainful look.  
  
“What are the antibiotics for?” Evelyn questioned.  
  
“Esophageal tearing,” Perkins replied curtly.  
  
Evelyn turned to Sirius, frowning. “Come on, Siri... I told you. You need to cut it the fuck out with the purging. _That’s_ what’ll kill you,” she scolded, crossing her arms.  
  
“I won’t do inpatient,” Sirius said, ignoring Evelyn’s comment, instead focusing on the healer. “It’s my last term at Hogwarts. I want to finish. I’ll be okay. I’ll stop purging. I’ll work on it. Just... I can’t. I won’t,” he muttered, digging his nails into his thigh.  
  
Healer Perkins sighed. “Evelyn. If you could give us a moment, please.”  
  
Evelyn shrugged, grabbing her bag and kissing Sirius swiftly on the lips. “I’ll be back in a jiff,” she assured him, tossing her hair behind her as she sauntered back towards the door, exiting the room.  
  
“Sirius. You are an adult, so this is your decision. However, I am urging you to seek treatment. You’ve lost nearly twenty five percent of your body weight in a little over three months. We’d have to do a chest x-ray to know for sure, but it’s likely that you’ve caused irreparable damage to your heart. I’ve already gone over the lab results... you’re not well.”  
  
He paused, looking at Sirius, his eyes filled with concern. “This is no longer a matter of slipping up or beginning to fall into a relapse, you are once again deep in the throes of anorexia, Sirius. You are in need of intense medical intervention. Do you understand that?”  
  
Sirius shrugged, remaining silent.  
  
“Would you be willing to enter inpatient treatment?” he asked.  
  
Sirius shook his head no. “No.”  
  
“Do you want to get better, Sirius?”  
  
Sirius shrugged, frowning. “I... I don’t know.”  
  
Healer Perkins paused for a moment, staring down at his chart.  
  
“I would like for you to come in for monthly checkups. To ensure that your vitals are stabilizing, and to continue monitoring your heart and weight. Would you agree to that?”  
  
Sirius shrugged. “I guess so.”  
  
“Also, as I stated before, I think that therapy would be beneficial to you. I’m going to schedule a follow-up for you with a therapist in Hogsmede, who you will see on a weekly basis.”  
  
Sirius glared, arms crossed. “Therapy is bullshit. I don’t want to.”  
  
Perkins frowned. “I believe that the sessions would be beneficial to you, Sirius. I would like for you to at least attend one session. Okay?”  
  
Sirius sighed. “Fine.”  
  
Healer Perkins looked down at his chart again, scribbling. “I’d also like for you to attend group therapy. We have a therapist who leads a group of students at Hogwarts. They meet one night a week. It’s a small group, only eight or nine students. I know in the past you’ve complained about your friends not understanding your condition. It may be helpful for you to have a support network of like-minded individuals.”  
  
“I’ll think about it,” Sirius said sharply, rolling his eyes.  
  
“Very well. I’ll provide you with the details about it with your discharge papers.”  
  
“When am I getting out of here?” Sirius asked.  
  
“Most likely tomorrow morning,” he replied. “I’ll go and get Miss Greengrass, have her come in and see you.”  
  
Perkins disappeared out into the hallway, returning with Evelyn in tow.  
  
“Perhaps you can get your boyfriend to see reason regarding therapy, Miss Greengrass,” he said sharply to Evelyn, before exiting the room.  
  
“Hey,” Sirius greeted her, as she sat next to him on the bed.  
  
“Hey. So what’s the prognosis?” she asked, eyeing him curiously.  
  
“It looks like I’ll be rejoining the monthly hospital visit club,” Sirius replied, rolling his eyes.  
  
“Welcome back!” Evelyn laughed, shaking her head in amusement.  
  
“He wants me to go back to therapy. And some retarded group therapy thing at school.”  
  
“I actually miss group therapy at Hogwarts,” Evelyn mused, smiling lightly.  
  
“Wait... you...” Sirius trailed off, confused.  
  
“Of course I was a part of that, while I was there. You have to remember, Siri, you got well enough to be able to avoid detection for quite a few years. I’ve been consistently medically unstable since I was fourteen. But yeah... it was nice. It’s a small group, everyone is in the same situation. Not sick enough to be in full-blown crisis mode and have to drop out of life, but only just barely. I connected with the people I was in group with at Hogwarts on a far more meaningful level than any treatment program I’ve been in at the hospital. I think because of the location... being away from the hospital makes it easier to distance yourself from the clinical bullshit and just be honest with yourself and the others about your eating disorder. The closest I came to even attempting to recover was seventh year... when I still thought Lucius and I would...” she trailed off, her eyes pooling with tears.  
  
Sirius coughed, uncomfortable.  
  
“Sorry,” she muttered, wiping at her eyes with the sleeve of her sweater.


	14. Even if I Quit, There's Not a Chance in Hell I'd Stop

Sirius sat beside James on the train, returning to Hogwarts. Remus and Lily were off patrolling the train, fulfilling their Head Girl and Prefect duties. Peter had excused himself from the group, heading off to a different compartment to sit with Mary, leaving Sirius and James alone.  
  
“I can’t believe we only have a few more months left,” Sirius muttered, staring out the window.  
  
“I know,” James agreed, nodding. “It feels weird... knowing that after this term, we’re done.”  
  
The remainder of the winter holiday had been pleasant; Sirius had kept his mouth shut about his overnight hospitalization, telling his friends that his visit had gone well. He also elected to keep his impending therapy sessions to himself. _Like I want them to know how mental I am_. Sirius sighed, staring out the window. It was beginning to snow heavier, as they moved north.  
  
“How is Evelyn?”  
  
Sirius turned to look at James, his sudden question breaking his train of thought.  
  
“Oh, she’s good. Sad that I’ll be away, but I’ve tasked her with something to keep her busy.”  
  
“Which would be?” James asked curiously.  
  
“Finding me a suitable flat in London,” Sirius replied, shrugging.  
  
“Why would you need a flat? I thought you knew, Padfoot, my home is your home. We’re brothers.”  
  
Sirius shrugged. “I know... and you’ll always be my family, Prongs. Your home is still home... I just... I’d like to have a place of my own. I’m sure you and Lily will end up getting a place together, once we’re out of school...”  
  
James paused a moment, considering. “I guess you’re right... why London, though?” he asked, making a face.  
  
“Hey!” Sirius retorted, smacking James on the side of the head. “I grew up in London... it’s home.”  
  
“So is it really a place for you, or a place for you and Evelyn?” James asked, eyebrow raised.  
  
“Just me. She and I aren’t really a couple in the traditional sense of the word,” Sirius replied, his brow furrowing.  
  
“What do you mean?”  
  
“We’re together... but we can see other people.”  
  
“So an open relationship?”  
  
“I guess,” Sirius replied, crossing his arms.  
  
“You okay with that, mate?” James asked.  
  
“Of course, I am. Like I said before, I don’t want to be tied down to some bloody bird,” he lied, sneering. _It’s just further proof that I’m incapable of being loved. That I’m not enough,_ he thought, laughing at the tragedy of his own existence.

* * *

The first week back to school had gone by well enough. Unable to cope with the anxiety that came with mealtimes, compounded by Perkins’ and Evelyn’s urges to stop purging, Sirius elected to skip meals altogether, instead hiding away in the library, studying.  
  
“I didn’t do a lick of work while we were on break, I need to get caught up,” he told his friends, avoiding eye contact as they shot him worried looks each chance they got to corner him about his absence at meals.   
  
Wednesday evening, after yet another skipped dinner, Sirius found himself nervously climbing the stairs up to a rarely used classroom on the seventh floor, where the eating disorder support group met. _Here goes nothing_ , he thought to himself, grasping the doorknob and entering the room. He found himself facing eight fellow students, ranging in age from thirteen to eighteen. His eyebrows raised in surprise, as he recognized a few of the students present. He nodded at Alec and Tom, two quidditch players from different houses. _Curious_. Ten chairs had been arranged in a circle, nine for students including himself, he presumed, and the last for the facilitator.  
  
“Hi,” Sirius greeted, standing awkwardly at the door.  
  
“You must be Sirius,” the facilitator, a friendly-looking witch in her thirties said, beaming at him. “Please, have a seat.”  
  
Sirius nodded, taking the single remaining seat. He turned his attention to the facilitator, anxious.  
  
“Alright, everyone. Welcome back. I hope everyone enjoyed their holiday. We have a new member joining our group, so why don’t we all take a moment to introduce ourselves, and share a little about ourselves and why we’re here, okay?” the facilitator said, continuing to smile.  
  
“I’m Adrienne Westwood, a healer at St. Mungo’s. I am the facilitator for this support group,” she said, starting the introductions off.  
  
“I’m Claire. I’m a fourth year in Ravenclaw,” a small redhead announced, tugging at the sleeve of her sweater. “I’m anorexic.”  
  
“I’m Alec. Sixth year in Ravenclaw,” the tall, svelte Ravenclaw seeker announced, offering Sirius a friendly smile. “I’m bulimic and a compulsive exerciser.”  
  
“Marlene. Seventh year Gryffindor,” Sirius’ familiar blonde housemate introduced herself, eyeing Sirius suspiciously. “Anorexic, purging sub-type.”  
  
The girl beside Marlene, a pale wisp of a girl with white blonde hair, cleared her throat. “I’m Emma. Sixth year Hufflepuff. I’m anorexic.”  
  
“I’m Tom. Seventh year in Hufflepuff. I dabble in both bulimia and anorexia,” the handsome, raven-haired Hufflepuff keeper said, offering Sirius a smile as well.   
  
Sirius grinned back, beginning to feel relieved. _At least there’s other blokes here. That makes this better._  
  
“I’m Clara. Third year Slytherin,” a small blonde girl said, toying with her ringlets. “I’m anorexic.”  
  
“Charlotte, fifth year Gryffindor,” a pale brunette muttered, arms crossed at her chest. “I’m bulimic.”  
  
“Lydia. Seventh year Slytherin,” a pale girl with long black hair said, staring at Sirius. “I’m anorexic. And you’re Evelyn’s new boy toy, aren’t you?” she asked, looking at him expectantly.   
  
Sirius stared at the girl, offering her his traditional Black family sneer. “Jealous, are you?” he asked, haughtily.   
  
The girl remained silent, clearly regretting her outburst.  
  
Sirius coughed, crossing his arms. “I’m Sirius. I’m a seventh year in Gryffindor. I’ve been anorexic since I was about eleven...” he trailed off, uncomfortable admitting this, especially to a group of relative strangers.  
  
“Very good. So, why don’t we talk about the holidays. Did anyone have any struggles while they were home over the holidays?” Adrienne asked, glancing around expectantly at the group.  
  
The small blonde, Clara, cleared her throat. “Christmas dinner was difficult. My parents expected me to sit through a five course meal with our entire family present. My mother kept kicking me from under the table until she felt I had eaten a sufficient amount at each course, so no one would suspect anything. Because god forbid we don’t maintain appearances,” she explained, the bitterness apparent in her tone.  
  
The group collectively murmured in agreement with Clara’s statements, each chiming in their own distaste towards holiday meals, and family meals in general. Sirius glanced about the room, waiting to see if anyone else would share something. Taking a deep breath for courage, he cleared his voice, garnering the attention of the room.   
  
“Um,” he began, struggling to find the words to explain what he was about to share, “On Christmas Day, my best mate walked in on my purging blood,” Sirius finished, wringing his hands nervously in his lap.  
  
He recoiled as her heard the collective gasps of the fellow members of the group. “You purged blood? Did you go to St. Mungo’s?” Tom asked, eyeing him concernedly.   
  
Sirius shrugged. “Nah. I mean... I’ve been throwing up blood for a couple of months, now. So it didn’t bother me all that much. It was just... upsetting, and embarrassing, I guess, to have my best mate walk in on me. It’s bad enough that he knows what I do, but for him to see... it’s private. And it makes it harder because I didn’t want him to know how bad it’s gotten.”  
  
“You really should receive medical attention if you’re throwing up blood, Sirius,” Adrienne said, clearly alarmed by his confession.  
  
“Oh, I did. I had an appointment with my healer, and that’s why I’m here... I refused to do inpatient. So this and monthly visits to St. Mungo’s it is,” he replied, icily.   
  
“Are you still purging?” Alec asked him.  
  
“He’d have to actually eat something and show up for meals in order to have anything to throw back up,” Marlene interjected, casting Sirius a knowing look.  
  
Sirius rolled his eyes, biting his lower lip. _Fuck, I need a cigarette._  
  
“I’m here because I refused inpatient, too,” Emma announced, drawing the group’s attention.   
  
“I um... I passed out during my transfiguration final last spring. I have an arrhythmia, and I hadn’t eaten in weeks, which triggered it, I guess. My heart started beating weirdly, and I passed out as it tried to normalize the rhythm... spent all summer in therapy and some stupid day treatment program at a muggle hospital in Leeds... My parents only let me return to school under the stipulation that I attend group therapy and see a therapist for weekly individual sessions,” she continued, picking at imaginary dust on her skirt.   
  
“I don’t think anyone is actually here by choice,” Lydia commented, yawning.   
  
“I know I’m not,” Alec interjected, frowning.  
  
“Why’re you here?” Sirius asked, curious.  
  
“Captain walked in on me vomiting after meals a few too many times. And running laps in the quidditch pitch for hours after practices. He reported me to Flitwick... if I don’t come here, I can’t play,” he replied coolly, arms crossed against his chest.  
  
“Consider yourself lucky, _my_ captain ratted me out about my habits after he got caught by Madam Hooch encouraging younger teammates to puke before matches, so they’ll feel nice and light before they get on a broom,” Tom noted, scowling.   
  
“At least you didn’t get forced into this tripe because your parents are terrified you’ll screw up your chances to find a suitable husband,” Lydia replied scornfully, sighing exasperatedly.  
  
“Oh, you mean like Sirius’ girlfriend,” Marlene said, interjecting herself into the conversation.  
  
“Basically,” Lydia replied, nodding.  
  
“Don’t talk about her like that,” Sirius said lowly, glaring at the two girls.  
  
“I was in group with Evelyn for three years, Sirius. I didn’t say it to be nasty, just stating a fact. Everyone knows that Evelyn is sick, and that’s why Lucius broke things off with her,” Marlene replied.  
  
“It’s sad, really. I think they were really in love. I mean... her last year here, she seemed like she was really trying to get better,” Lydia added.  
  
Sirius clenched his fists, willing his anger to pass.  
  
“How’d you get found out, Marlene? Did Minnie walk in on you puking up the apple you allow yourself at dinner?” Sirius asked, taking his fury out on her. After all, she had been nasty towards him from the very beginning. _Where the fuck does she get off, eyeing me all suspiciously? Bitch._  
  
“Lily fucking Evans. I share a dorm with her. She heard me vomiting one night and reported it to McGonagall. Apparently her sister is bulimic, so she’s all hyper-sensitive about it,” she retorted, crossing her arms.  
  
Sirius laughed, shaking his head in bemusement. “At least she didn’t try to stage an intervention for you. That was my Christmas break. Her and my stupid friends sitting there telling me how worried they are and how they’re afraid for me. As if they have a fucking clue about any of this. Like they understand what I’m going through, why I need this.”   
  
“That’s rough... I mean... At least here, we all get it. You can’t understand what we’re going through unless you’ve been there,” Marlene replied, giving him a sympathetic look.   
  
“Alright, why don’t we reign things in some. Why don’t we talk about alternatives to engaging in eating disordered activities,” Adrienne said loudly, trying to gain control over the group once more.  
  
Sirius rolled his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose, feeling a headache coming on. _Well this was a total waste of time. At least the rest of the group doesn’t totally suck._

* * *

It took another week of Sirius avoiding his friends, spending every meal locked away in the library before Remus had had enough.   
  
“Sirius,” he said sharply, placing his hand on Sirius’ shoulder.  
  
Sirius froze, his body tensing up as he felt his friend’s grip on him tighten. “What?” he asked, still staring down at the parchment in front of him, desperate to avoid eye contact.  
  
“I don’t care what I said before... you have to eat. I can’t do this, anymore. I can’t. I won’t. I won’t watch you kill yourself, Sirius. This ends now. Grab your shit and let’s go.”  
  
Sirius paused a moment, letting his body go slack, until Remus loosened his grip on him. He stood, hands shaking as he gathered his books and parchment, shoving them into his school bag. He capped his bottle of ink, placing it and his quill in a separate compartment in his bag. He looked at Remus nervously, waiting.   
  
“Alright, let’s go,” Remus said, grabbing Sirius’ arm and leading him out of the library, down the hall and down three flights of stairs, to the Great Hall. They took their usual seats at Gryffindor table, Sirius pouting. He stared blankly as his friends attempted to make conversation with him, responding only with rolled eyes and shrugs. He stared at his empty plate, trying to remain calm. The scent of the food before him was making him feel nauseated.   
  
“Sirius, please. You haven’t come down for a meal since we’ve been back. It’s been over two weeks. I’m concerned that you don’t eat, at all. Please, eat something. Anything,” Remus begged quietly, his voice barely above a whisper.  
  
Sirius nodded, grabbing the bowl of lettuce and carefully placing a small heap of lettuce on his plate. He ate it dry, focusing on the number of times he chewed each bite, to avoid the overwhelming anxiety bubbling in his chest. While he ate, his thoughts raced. He would have to purge. He was aware of that. _Even though I really shouldn’t_ , he thought to himself, frowning as he placed his fork down. Sirius was aware that he shouldn’t purge. He’d assessed the damage, seen the evidence of what he was doing to himself, during his last trip to St. Mungo’s. However, as always seemed to be the case with these things, the fact remained that he had no choice. He ate, therefore he must purge. Once finished with his meager serving, he looked up at Remus, waiting for a reaction.  
  
“Have a slice of bread, Sirius,” he said, handing him the bread basket.   
  
Sirius obeyed, staring dejectedly at the slice of bread. _Carbs_ , he thought to himself, momentarily making a face. He tensed up as Marlene approached their end of the table, taking a seat beside Sirius.   
  
“You should eat the bread, Sirius. You need the energy,” she whispered to him, offering him an encouraging smile.   
  
Sirius nodded, tearing off a strip of the bread. He ate slowly, counting his chews, taking a sip of water after every mouthful. Once finished, Sirius glanced from Marlene to Remus, uncomfortable with this much attention. He grabbed at his stomach, beginning to feel ill as the food settled. Marlene raised an eyebrow, noticing his obvious discomfort. “Let’s go for a walk, Sirius. Right?” she asked, standing and motioning for him to follow.  
  
Sirius nodded, standing as well. He mumbled a quick ‘see you later’ to his friends before following Marlene out of the Great Hall, and up the grand staircase.  
  
“Where are we going?” Sirius asked, eyes darting around the corridor, anxious to find a lavatory to excuse himself to.   
  
“Just taking a walk. To take your mind off of dinner. It helps. Helps with digestion and all that, too. Plus, keeping you company so you can’t run off and purge,” Marlene said swiftly, tying her hair back.  
  
“Why are you doing this though? Trying to help me? I don’t get it,” Sirius asked, shoving his hands into his pockets. His stomach was aching. He needed to vomit, immediately.  
  
Marlene paused, turning to face him. “You’re in group. You’re having a hard time. So I’m helping. That’s what we do here, we all help each other. It’s just how it works.”  
  
She turned, continuing her pace down the hall. “Why’d you come down to dinner, anyway? I haven’t seen you at meals all term,” she noted.  
  
Sirius shrugged. “Remus dragged me to dinner,” he replied miserably.   
  
“He’s worried about you. They all are.”  
  
“I know.”  
  
“How long have you been in group, Marlene?” Sirius asked, curious.  
  
“I told you. Three years with your Evelyn, plus the two since she graduated. So five.”  
  
“And you’re still not better.”  
  
“Anorexia isn’t really something that you just ‘get over’ or anything, Sirius. You of all people should know that. You go through periods of being semi-okay, followed by periods of relapsing. It’s a cycle,” she replied stiffly, not turning to face him.  
  
“Do you want to get better?” he asked, pressing the issue further.  
  
“Not particularly. Do you?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Well, there you go,” she noted, playing with her ponytail.   
  
“If you don’t want to get better, why would you try and help me with avoiding purging?”  
  
Marlene sighed, exasperated. “You’re throwing up blood, Sirius. That’s just plain foolish. It’d be wrong of me, or anyone with that knowledge, to let you keep doing that to yourself. The way you brushed it off at group, all nonchalantly, was terrifying. Any other person would have panicked seeing blood in their vomit.”  
  
“I guess I just don’t really care what happens to me.”  
  
Marlene stood in silence, observing him for a moment, a sad look on her face.  
  
“I need to throw up,” Sirius announced, turning on his heel and scurrying down the hall, towards the boys’ lavatory they had passed.

* * *

Sirius sat at his desk in the dorm, frowning. The week before in group, he had been given an assignment from Adrienne. He had shoved the parchment detailing the assignment deep into his school bag, and hadn’t bothered looking at it since. However, as group was the next evening, he had finally decided to give it a look over. “Identify your eating disorder behaviors and the negative consequences of these behaviors,” he read aloud, sighing.  
  
Sirius chewed on the top of his quill, thinking. “This is so stupid,” he muttered, scratching something down on the parchment. He began writing down various things other people had mentioned at group, knowing that they had all completed this exercise before, and no one would blink an eye if he had the same things on his list.   
  
The following afternoon, Sirius decided to give the group therapy assignment another shot. During his free period, he went to the library, seating himself at a table far away from where other people mostly sat. He pulled out his parchment and supplies, surprised when he noticed a small slip of parchment, folded in half, mixed in with his things. He unfolded the slip, reading silently.   
  
_You don’t want to recover for a very simple reason: you’re scared. You’re scared of life, growth, feelings, worries, people, rejection, and change. You’re hiding away from it all. **Your ED is driving you into a morgue and you’re letting it, because you’re too scared to fight back.**_  
  
Sirius read the note a few more times, puzzled. _Who put that in my bag?_ Unable to fathom who could have written the note, or why, he folded the paper back in half, placing it in his bag, unable to bring himself to crumple the note up and toss it out. He turned his attention to the assignment, reading over what he had already listed. He crossed out several lines, scribbling different responses underneath. He tried to keep his sarcasm at bay as he began writing the consequences he had suffered because of his behaviors.   
  
“Hey.”  
  
Sirius turned his head, to find Alec, from group, hovering over him. “Oh, hey.”  
  
“Working on your assignment?” he asked, taking a seat beside Sirius at the table.  
  
“Yeah. It’s really-”  
  
“Stupid, I know. But that’s why it’s a good first assignment. It’s basically common sense and things we all already know, so you don’t have to really dig deep and admit anything personal when responding.”  
  
Sirius nodded, unsure of what to say.  
  
“You should try to be honest with yourself, though. About the consequences, I mean.... I think we all spend so much time lying to others about what we do, ignoring the blatant effects of our behavior, that we owe it to ourselves to at least be honest about it to ourselves. I... I felt a sense of relief when I actually expressed my honest opinions of the consequences I suffered.”  
  
“I’m trying to, it’s just hard... I don’t really... I feel numb. So I don’t really know what to say about consequences I’ve suffered that go beyond physical things. I don’t feel anything. Haven’t for a while,” Sirius replied, struggling to explain.  
  
“I get that... But that’s something that you can actually work on in group. I know we all seem pretty fucked up... And we are. Most of us are content to drift in between the realms of sickness and wellness. But group does help you learn how to cope. We look out for each other. We work on facing the realities of our illnesses, instead of going on denying we have a problem. It’s not much, but it’s a start.”

* * *

“How has your week been so far, Remus?”  
  
Remus frowned, staring across the desk at his therapist. Elaine was wearing a cream colored silk blouse and chocolate brown slacks. He shrugged in response.  
  
“You haven’t spoken during our time together since you returned to school. Did something happen?” she asked, calmly.  
  
“Nothing of note,” he replied, crossing his arms.  
  
“Have you spoken to Sirius?”  
  
“Not about that, no. I... I dragged him into the Great Hall on Monday night. He hadn’t eaten in almost three weeks. He lives off of coffee and cigarettes and water. I know I shouldn’t have snapped on him but I can’t help but act that way when he lives like that.”  
  
“You need to remember that it’s not your responsibility to save him. You can’t force him to change if he doesn’t want to.”  
  
“But I can’t just stand there idly and watch him kill himself... I wrote him a note.”  
  
“A note?” Elaine asked, eyebrow raised.  
  
“I... I saw an assignment he must be doing for therapy, or something. And it’s so obvious that he’s not even trying to get better because he’s _afraid_. So I wrote him a note saying just that. That he’s afraid to get better because he’s afraid of change. And that he’s killing himself because he’s not even trying to recover,” Remus explained, suddenly feeling rather self-conscious. _It seemed like a good idea at the time._  
  
“I can understand the intentions you had behind it. And I do think it’s good that you’re being honest with him about how you’re feeling. However, don’t you think that you could be more supportive in your notes?” she asked, lips pursed as she jotted down notes on Remus’ file.  
  
“So, what? Do you think I should write him more notes?” Remus asked, confused.  
  
“Certainly. If you don’t feel comfortable saying these things face to face, then writing to him is definitely a way to get your message across. I understand the need to point out the obvious truth of the situation that your friend is blatantly ignoring, but you don’t want to come off as accusatory or make him feel as though the situation is hopeless. You want to be gentle but firm. Tell him the truth about something that you need to get across to him, but follow it up with a positive affirmation. There’s a delicate balance to dealing with and supporting a loved one with a serious mental health issue,” Elaine explained, her eyes locking with Remus’.  
  
“Should I just ask him about the kiss?”  
  
“Is that what you want to do?” Elaine asked.  
  
“I don’t know what I want. I just... I want him, I want him to get better. To stop pushing me away,” Remus explained, nervously grabbing at his arm. He winced, as he felt a still-healing cut reopen.   
  
“Have you been cutting?” Elaine asked.  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Why?”  
  
“To take the pain away. To stop thinking about everything for a little while,” he replied, shrugging.  
  
“At least I’m not trying to kill myself,” he continued, his tone bitter.  
  
Elaine sighed, folding her hands on top of her desk. “Remus. I think you already know this, but I’ll say it again. You have endless ways you can commit suicide without _dying_ dying. We’re supposed to be working on finding ways to cope so that you don’t have to depend on self-destructive behaviors to deal with your life.”  
  
“I’ll stop when he stops,” Remus replied coldly, his arms crossed.  
  
“Remus-”  
  
“No. Just. Stop talking. I’m done. This session is fucking done!” Remus screamed, slamming his fist on the desk. He stood, shaking from anger, pulling on his coat.  
  
“Remus. I understand you’re upset but you need to take care of yourself. You can’t neglect your well being because you’re concerned about someone else.”  
  
“I’ll see you next week,” Remus muttered, pushing open the door and leaving Elaine’s office.


	15. And I Screw My Life Up Ever More, As I Puke My Lungs Up On The Floor

It was Wednesday evening. After another disastrous dinner, Alec and Marlene had grabbed Sirius by the arms, dragging him up to the seventh floor for group.  
  
“I would have gotten myself there, you know,” he muttered, pulling his right arm out of Marlene’s grasp.  
  
“Yeah, after you went and purged, right?” she asked, knowingly.  
  
“I wasn’t going to,” he lied, pulling his other arm from Alec’s grip, folding his arms across his chest.  
  
He scowled as Marlene and Alec exchanged knowing looks. “Okay, Sirius,” they said in unison, their disbelief apparent in their tone.  
  
They arrived at the room, Sirius taking a seat farthest away from both Alec and Marlene, a difficult feat, given that the chairs were arranged in a circle and there were only nine people in their group. Rather than sit with his fellow Gryffindors, Sirius took a seat between the two Slytherins, Clara and Lydia. He gritted his teeth, willing himself to keep the contents of his stomach down. Once everyone had arrived and settled into their seats, Adrienne cleared her throat, garnering the attention of the group.  
  
“Sirius, last week I gave you an assignment. Would you like to share your response with the group?” she asked, turning to focus her gaze on him.  
  
“Not particularly,” he muttered, continuing to scowl.  
  
“Just tell us what you wrote,” Lydia interjected, rolling her eyes. “We’ve all had to read our lists... it’s a rite of passage.”  
  
Sirius sighed, rummaging through his school bag. He cleared his throat, quickly glancing down at his list.   
  
“Eating disorder behaviors: skipping meals, fasting, purging after meals, continuing to take diet pills and amphetamines even though I know they’re worsening my heart problems, weighing myself multiple times a day, restricting to only ‘safe’ foods, lying to friends about eating, lying to friends about purging, drinking large quantities of caffeinated beverages to numb hunger and make myself feel full, avoiding friends so I can purge, avoiding friends so I don’t have to eat...” he trailed off, taking note of the glazed eyes of everyone else in the room, save for Adrienne; he was aware that his list mirrored those of everyone else.   
  
“And what about the consequences, Sirius. Why don’t you share with the group the consequences you have suffered due to those behaviors?” Adrienne prompted, nodding encouragingly at him.  
  
“I have heart problems. I’ve had an arrhythmia since I was sick in hospital fourth year. More recently, I experienced tachycardia, from starvation and excessive amphetamine use. I have low and orthostatic blood pressure. I’ve passed out from not eating, in class. My throat is constantly sore. I’m dizzy and have headaches, nearly every day. I’ve had electrolyte imbalances. I have esophageal tearing.”  
  
“You’ve certainly done a good job at listing physical health problems that have resulted from your behaviors, but you didn’t mention anything about how it affected you emotionally, or how it affected your relationships with friends and family, or with school,” Adrienne noted.  
  
Sirius shrugged in response.  
  
“How are you feeling, Sirius?” Adrienne asked him, after several minutes of awkward silence.  
  
“Blank.”  
  
“We’ll work on helping you get in touch with your emotions, Sirius,” she replied, offering him a cheerful smile.  
  
“Whatever.”  
  
“Well, how has your eating disorder affected your relationship with James and Remus?” Marlene asked, prompting him.  
  
“They’re worried about me. They’re constantly on my case. They don’t trust me,” Sirius replied coolly, arms crossed.  
  
“What about your parents?” Clara asked.  
  
Sirius laughed lowly, bitterly. “My parents disowned me. They don’t care. When I still lived with them, all they were concerned about was how my actions reflected on _them_. I was an embarrassment. Weak. Pathetic,” he spat, his lips twisting into a snarl.   
  
Claire, the pale redhead, started to speak, then paused, lips quivering. “Aren’t you ever worried about yourself, about what might happen to you because of what you do?” she asked, nervously.  
  
Sirius stared ahead for a moment, his thoughts running adrift. “I never said I was afraid of dying,” he replied, his expression flat, unreadable.

* * *

Sirius knocked on Evelyn’s front door, pulling his scarf tighter around his neck. It had been a bitterly cold winter, and the wind rustled ferociously through the streets of London.  
  
“Hey you,” Evelyn greeted him, the door opened just a crack.   
  
Sirius caught a glimpse of the silky pink chemise Evelyn was dressed in.   
  
“It’s bloody freezing, here,” Sirius complained, as Evelyn granted him access to the house, shrugging off his coat.   
  
“I’m sure it’s colder up in Scotland. You didn’t say why you wanted to visit, in your letter,” Evelyn replied, eyeing him suspiciously.  
  
“What, I can’t come see you? Had better plans for this weekend?” Sirius replied coldly, glaring at her.  
  
“No. Just... I don’t know. What’s your problem?” she asked, crossing her arms.  
  
“I’m just having a bad couple of weeks. I wanted to get away from _those people_ for a little while. I need sympathy.”  
  
The pair settled into the parlor, Evelyn fixing them drinks. Sirius watched as she poured herself a glass of gin, with a dash of tonic water, before pouring him a glass of firewhiskey. She walked over to him, drinks in hand. She handed him his tumbler before taking a seat beside him on the love seat.  
  
“So. What’s going on?” she asked, taking a prim sip of her cocktail.  
  
“Group sucks. I mean. Everyone is nice enough, and it’s cool how the therapist doesn’t hold you accountable for your actions, or make you talk about why you chose to continue starving or purging or whatever, but people keep trying to like... intervene. I had Marlene grab me and drag me up to group the other day. It’s annoying.”  
  
“Marlene is a bitch,” Evelyn replied, taking a long gulp of her drink.  
  
“They brought you up, you know,” Sirius said quietly.  
  
“Did they?” she asked, eyebrow raised.  
  
“Some Slytherin girl, Lydia, did, first. She called me your boy-toy. Then when she went on some tirade on how she’s only in treatment because her parents don’t want her to end up prospectless in terms of finding a suitable husband, Marlene brought you up,” Sirius replied, taking a long sip of his drink. The firewhiskey burnt as it sloshed down his throat, warming his stomach.  
  
“What else did they say?” she asked, draining her glass. She rose, to refill her drink. “That I’m washed up, pathetic?  
  
” Sirius shook his head no. “They all seemed to be under the general consensus that you and Lucius were really in love.”  
  
“We were,” she agreed, pouring gin into her glass, foregoing the tonic water altogether.  
  
“You don’t look as though you’ve been purging much,” she assessed, examining him as she returned to her seat.  
  
“I’d have to eat to purge anything, Evie. Plus, I have these bloody harpies on my case, dragging me around the castle to _distract_ me or whatever, so I won’t purge. Like what the fuck is their deal with all this camaraderie bullshit?” Sirius muttered, taking another sip of his drink.  
  
“That’s generally the idea behind group...” she replied, rolling her eyes.  
  
“Why can’t everyone just leave me alone?” he whined, staring down, distraught, into his tumbler.  
  
“Oh come now, Sirius. You know there’s no rest for the wicked.”  
  
Sirius couldn’t help but chuckle at her statement. “Enough about me. How have you been?”  
  
“I haven’t left my room in three days,” she replied, shrugging.  
  
“How come?” Sirius asked, standing. He strode towards the liquor cabinet. He watched Evelyn as he poured himself another drink.  
  
“No reason to. I don’t have anywhere to be, anything to do,” she muttered, sipping her drink.  
  
“I had tea with your mum last week.”  
  
Sirius dropped his glass, watching as it shattered spectacularly against the hardwood floor. “Why the hell would you do that?” he asked sharply, barely able to contain his anger.  
  
“I ran in to her in Diagon Alley... I don’t know. She asked me to tea, so I went. It was an excuse to get out of the house, Sirius,” she shouted, defensively.  
  
“Reparo,” Sirius muttered, waving his wand. He returned the now-intact glass back to the counter, before pouring himself another drink. “What’d the old bat want with you?” he asked bitterly, taking a healthy sip of his drink.  
  
“She asked if we’re together. Seemed interested in our relationship,” Evelyn replied, shrugging.   
  
Sirius drained his glass, slamming it down on the counter. He glanced at the bottle of firewhiskey, considered, then grabbed the bottle itself, returning to his seat beside Evelyn.  
  
“And you told her we’re a couple, I presume?” he sneered, taking a sip directly from the bottle.  
  
“Sirius. She seemed pleased that we’ve been spending time together... I mean... you agreed with me, before. We could marry. You could get your inheritance back, get both of our families off our backs.”  
  
“I don’t want their money,” Sirius shouted, slamming the bottle of firewhiskey down on the coffee table.  
  
“It’s funny that you say that, Sirius,” Evelyn smirked, draining her glass of gin. She stood, sauntering over to the liquor cabinet and pouring herself another drink. “Considering you had no problem taking the inheritance your Uncle Alphard left you,” she snapped, her voice icy.  
  
“You don’t care about me, Evelyn. All you care about is _you_. What, you can’t have Lucius, so I’ll do? Is that what this is?” Sirius screamed, standing.   
  
“Sirius, no. I just meant-”  
  
“You just meant that it was never about us caring about each other and talking about how we could get married so that we could be left to live our lives as we pleased. That it was about you getting what _you_ wanted; a nice pure-blooded husband with the right family name and a big fat inheritance to go along with it. Isn’t that right, Evelyn?” Sirius sneered, grabbing for the bottle of firewhiskey. He took a long swig, the liquid burning as it cascaded down his throat. Rather than soothe him, the drink added fuel to the fire burning inside him. He hurled the bottle across the room, watching as it shattered against the wall. Evelyn screamed, attempting to back away from him, out of the room.  
  
“Maybe Snivellus was right about you, Evie,” Sirius taunted, slowly approaching her.   
  
She paused, her back against the wall. Sirius approached her, cupping her chin with his hand. Gently, he tilted her head upward, kissing her softly on the lips. “You are nothing but a fucking pair of tits. That’s all you ever have been and ever will be,” he said, his voice dripping with hatred, acid.   
  
She stared up at him, a mixture of hurt and confusion on her face. “Sirius, don’t, please-”  
  
“I’m out of here,” he interrupted, swiftly turning on his heel.   
  
Grabbing his coat, he marched towards the front door, swinging the door open violently. Without so much as a glance backward, he strode out, apparating the second his feet hit the pavement of the sidewalk. 

* * *

Sirius stared despondently down at his tumbler of whiskey. He was drunk, he noted, struggling to keep his eyes focused on the gentle swirling of the liquid in his glass. Shakily, he brought the glass to his lips, draining it.   
  
“I’ll have another,” he said aloud, slamming the glass onto the bar counter.   
  
Tom, the barkeep of the Leaky Cauldron, eyed him suspiciously.  
  
“Don’t you think you’ve had enough, Mr. Black?” he asked, wiping a pint glass clean with a rag.  
  
“I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough,” he slurred, his elbows propping him up against the bar, struggling to maintain eye contact with Tom.   
  
After leaving Evelyn’s in a fit of rage, he had apparated here, content to drown his sorrows in more firewhiskey. He squinted, trying to read the clock mounted to the wall, above the front door. It was nearing 9 PM, he deduced, struggling to focus on the numbers on the clock.  
  
Tom poured Sirius another drink, offering him a pitying look. Sirius glared back, taking a long sip of his drink, swallowing hard as he felt his stomach heaving, sending a mouthful of drink back up his esophagus. The sour taste of liquor and stomach acid filled his mouth. He clamped his teeth shut, swallowing the sick back down. _Fuck_ ,he sighed heavily, running his fingers through his hair. _I hate my fucking life._ “Sirius Orion Black.”  
  
Sirius turned his head, hearing his name. Standing at the front entrance was Evelyn, dressed in a long black overcoat. Sirius stared, motionless, as she approached him.  
  
“Come home with me, Sirius, please,” she begged, her voice low, pleading.  
  
Sirius touched her face lightly, staring up into her eyes. He noted the redness surrounding them; she had been crying.  
  
“I want to drink,” he replied, draining the remains of his drink, slamming the glass down on the counter. He grabbed onto the edge, as he felt himself falling, suddenly overwhelmed by dizziness.  
  
“Come on, now, Siri. Let me take you home. You’re in quite a state,” she continued, touching his arm gently.  
  
“I do love you, you know,” she whispered in his ear, kissing him softly on his neck.  
  
Sirius emitted a low, guttural groan, resting his head on her shoulder.  
  
“I’m sorry,” he slurred, his mind wandering back to his violent outburst back at the house, the look of terror on Evelyn’s face as he threw the bottle of whiskey against the wall-  
  
“Sirius. We’ll talk when you’re sober. Come on now, get up. Let’s get your coat on and get you home, alright?” Evelyn said, interrupting his thoughts.  
  
Stumbling, Sirius stood, swaying uneasily as Evelyn busied herself trying to get his coat onto his tall, thin frame. Sirius wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into an embrace as she struggled to button his coat. “I love you, Evelyn,” he slurred, his breath hot on her ear.  
  
“I love you too, Siri. Really, I do,” she replied, her voice cracking, as she sniffled back a sob.   
  
“You’re crying,” Sirius stated, reaching up to touch the teardrops trickling down her cheeks.  
  
“I know. It’s fine. Come on, let’s go home,” she replied, wiping her tears away with her sleeve.   
  
Throwing her arm around his waist, Evelyn led Sirius out of the bar, back out onto the streets of London. Taking care to make sure she had a firm grip on him, she spun on her heel, apparating the two of them back to her home.

Once back home, Evelyn helped Sirius undress, putting him to bed. “Drink this,” she told him, handing him a vial filled with a familiar looking potion.  
  
He stared up at her, perplexed.  
  
“It’ll help with your hangover, when you wake up tomorrow. Come on, love. Drink up,” she prompted, guiding the vial to his lips, gently tilting his head back, to help him swallow.   
  
She sat beside him on the edge of the bed, stroking the hair from out of his eyes, listening to his shallow breaths. Once satisfied that he was asleep, she stood, walking over to the liquor cabinet. With shaky hands, she poured herself a drink, collapsing onto the armchair nearby, staring down into her glass. _He’s right for thinking what he does of me_ , she thought miserably. Sirius’ angry outburst earlier that evening had upset her, deeply. He had been enraged, raw... a side of Sirius she had never seen before. “I suppose there’s no denying that you’re a Black, Siri. You’ve certainly got the temper,” she said softly, glancing over at his sleeping form.  
  
“I suppose you’ve inherited your family’s madness, as well. I saw it in your eyes, the way you looked at me, crazed, consumed with hate, when you held me up against the wall,” she continued, still addressing the sleeping Sirius.  
  
She brought her glass to her lips, draining half the drink with one gulp. She grabbed the armrest of the chair, overwhelmed with a spell of dizziness. _I probably shouldn’t drink on an empty stomach_. She shrugged, taking another sip. She tilted her head to the side, thinking. “When’s the last time I ate, anyway?” she asked herself, hardly aware that she was speaking aloud.  
  
It had been at least a week, she decided, trying to remember the events of the past few weeks. She had gone to tea with Siri’s mum. And she’d had a disastrous appointment at St. Mungo’s, which had prompted her staying in her bedroom for three days straight. She chewed on her lower lip, deep in thought. She hadn’t gotten the chance to tell Sirius what was really bothering her; Healer Perkins had decided to discontinue treating her. She couldn’t fully remember the details of the meeting. The entire event was rather hazy to her. She remembered being seated between her parents, Perkins rattling off all of the ways she had failed miserably in treatment. She could remember hearing such phrases as ‘irreparable damage’ and ‘has no desire to recover’. She certainly recalled him uttering the words, “she is what we would call a lifer. A lost cause,” which had sent her mother into a fit of tears. She had sat still, rigid, her face expressionless. She had watched, feeling detached from the events unfolding before her, as her father rose to comfort her mother, as the two begged Perkins to reconsider, begged him for advice on what to do with _her_.   
  
After the two men had calmed her mother down somewhat, her father had instructed her to go home. “We’ll see you later. We’re going away for a few days,” he had said sharply, the disappointment and shame written all over his face. That had been about four days ago, now, Evelyn determined, glancing at her bedroom clock. Still, they hadn’t returned. She had laid in bed for three days, weeping over the tragedy of her life. She had written Lucius repeatedly, begging him to come see her, to no avail.  
  
Evelyn brought the drink to her lips, draining the contents. “I wonder what you’d think of me if you knew the real reason I was annoyed you showed up,” she said aloud, again glancing up at Sirius.   
  
She rose from her chair unsteadily, stumbling over to Sirius’ bedside, where she paused, hovering over him.  
  
“You really put a damper on my plans to kill myself,” she told him, bending down to kiss him lightly on the cheek.  
  
She yawned, feeling more exhausted than she had in ages. Clumsily, she untied her wrap dress, letting it fall off her, leaving her in only her pink chemise. Her eyelids beginning to feel heavy with sleep, she crawled into bed beside Sirius, snuggling up close to him. Heat radiated off his sleeping form, filling Evelyn with a sense of security. Scooting closer, she rested her head in the nook between his shoulder and chest, falling into a calm sleep.

* * *

Sirius woke with a start, dripping with sweat. He sat up quickly, nearly passing out from dizziness as the world turned black before him. He clenched his mouth shut as he felt his stomach roiling, swallowing back down a mouthful of vomit. Clumsily, he swung his legs to the side of the bed, stumbling blindly towards the bathroom. Shoving the door open with both hands, he fell to his knees before the toilet, leaning forward and emptying himself. He winced as he felt the burning of vomit in his nose, the projectile stream constant, barely giving Sirius a chance to breathe. He gasped in between fits of retching, messily shoving his now vomit-tinged locks out of his way.   
  
“You okay?” Evelyn asked, standing in the doorway.   
  
Sirius nodded weakly, resting his head on the toilet seat, feeling spent.   
  
“Want to take a shower? I’ll help,” she offered, slowly approaching him.  
  
Sirius nodded again, staring up at her. He didn’t object to her touch as she grabbed his arms, helping him stand. She flushed the toilet, pulling the lid down. “Sit,” she instructed him, pointing.   
  
Sirius did as he was told, clutching his head with one hand, his stomach with the other. _I feel like my insides are burning_ He winced, squeezing his eyes shut. It hurt to think. His head was pounding, which wasn’t helping the burning nauseated feeling in his stomach. Sirius watched as Evelyn turned on the shower, adjusting the water temperature. Once satisfied, she wandered towards the medicine cabinet, rooting through it. Expertly, she grabbed a bottle of pills, shaking two into her hand. She filled a glass with water from the sink before returning to Sirius’ side. “Here,” she said, handing him the pills and water.  
  
Sirius accepted them, taking the pills and swallowing them down with a sip of water. The cool liquid felt like fire as it washed down his throat. He allowed Evelyn to help him take off his boxers, letting her lead him into the shower. She positioned him under the shower head, pulling the curtains closed for a moment, before entering the shower as well, undressed. Sirius closed his eyes, enjoying the soothing feeling of the water beating down on him. The constant stream of water felt good on his head, easing his headache. As a spell of dizziness struck him, he grabbed for the wall, struggling to keep himself upright.  
  
“Hey, why don’t you sit down? Just let the water fall down over you, you’re safer sitting down,” Evelyn suggested, guiding him safely down to the bottom of the tub, making sure he was directly under the shower head.  
  
Sirius breathed in deeply, the steam of the shower calming him. Wordlessly, Evelyn began shampooing Sirius’ hair. He smiled contently, the gentle massaging of her fingers against his scalp relaxing him. She instructed him to move his head forward a bit, to wash out the soap. Once his hair was clean, Sirius shakily stood, turning to face Evelyn. “I’m sorry about earlier, Sirius. I’m sorry I went and had tea with your mum. I should have known better,” she told him, a sad expression on her face.   
  
“I’m sorry for what I said. You’re not... that was unkind of me to say,” he mumbled, struggling to string together a sentence.  
  
“No, it’s okay, Siri. I mean.. no, it’s not okay. It hurt, a lot. But it’s true. I know what I am. I... I know. I do. My entire life all I have ever been is this sexual object to the men in my life. Something to be lusted over, used, then thrown away when my purpose had been served. I know that it’s wrong, but I’m used to it. You spend enough time doing anything and you don’t mind it really, because it becomes natural to you. And it’s just hard with you because... because when I’m with you, I feel like maybe I don’t have to be that person anymore... and that terrifies me. I don’t know who I am without being validated by... things like that. People like _him_.”  
  
Sirius nodded, listening distractedly, as his hand hovered over his stomach. Struck with a wave of nausea, he shoved the shower curtain aside, exiting the tub. He threw himself to the ground before the toilet, lifting the lid barely in time. His body shook involuntarily between heaves, as his stomach rid itself of it’s contents. As he continued to vomit, Sirius became vaguely aware that his mouth now had the familiar coppery taste of blood. “Sirius,” Evelyn said sharply, a note of terror in her voice.  
  
Sirius squeezed his eyes shut as he continued to vomit, gagging on a mouthful of what appeared to be blood.  
  
“Sirius. Look. You’re vomiting blood. That’s not vomit with blood. It’s just straight blood.”  
  
Sirius turned to look at Evelyn. She stood behind him, stark naked, a horrified expression on her face. Quickly, he turned back around to stare down into the toilet bowl. Surely enough, he saw dark red.  
  
“Oh my god. Fuck, Sirius, _fuck_ ,” Evelyn cried, panic rising in her voice.  
  
Sirius heard her voice crack, as she struggled to fight back tears. Sirius lowered his head back into the bowl, another wave of nausea causing him to choke up more mouthfuls of blood.  
  
Evelyn exited the room, returning shortly, hastily dressed, his clothing in hand. “Sirius, we have to get you to St. Mungo’s,” she said sharply, pulling his tee shirt over his head.   
  
Sirius stood, struggling to pull his jeans on. He took a step towards the door, only for his vision to fade out into blackness. He felt Evelyn rush over to him, steadying him before he fell.   
  
“Come on,” she said softly, arm wrapped around his waist, as she led him out of the bathroom, into her bedroom.   
  
She sat him down on the bed, hastily putting his shoes on, before helping him up and again, with her arm snaked around his waist, leading him out of the room and down the stairs. Once in the drawing room, Evelyn grabbed a handful of floo powder, throwing it into the fireplace. “St. Mungo’s,” she said, clearly and loudly, her arm wrapped tightly around Sirius as she pulled him along beside her into the emerald flames. As the flames engulfed them and Sirius felt himself being falling freely, he felt himself losing consciousness, drifting into nothingness until everything faded to black.

* * *

Evelyn paced the sidewalk in front of St. Mungo’s anxiously, chain smoking. Upon arrival, Sirius had been rushed off to be worked on, as he had passed out while traveling via the floo network. The admissions nurse had taken one glance at Sirius, seen blood trickling from his mouth and had sent for a gurney, a team of healers rushing him off, and out of sight. It had been nearly two hours now, and she still hadn’t heard so much as a word about his condition. In a fit of panic, she had owled Sirius’ head of house, Professor McGonagall, begging her to let Sirius’ best mates come to the hospital, as he’d had an accident. That had been nearly twenty minutes ago. As soon as she’d sent the owl, she’d regretted it, knowing she’d have to face his friends, without Sirius to defend her. To calm her frazzled nerves, she had come outside to have a cigarette. Sighing, she stubbed out her cigarette, returning inside. She sat in the lobby near the massive fireplaces, resting her head in her hands, silently crying. _Something must be wrong if no one’s come to tell me anything. This is all my fucking fault._  
  
Evelyn froze as she felt a hand roughly shake her by the shoulder. She glanced up, to find James, Remus, and Peter standing before her, panicked expressions on their faces.   
  
“Where is he? What happened?” James asked, frantic.  
  
“I..I... dunno. He had a lot to drink... he was throwing up blood, straight blood. I got him dressed and brought him here, but he passed out while we were flooing over, and they took him away immediately,” she explained, foregoing the gruesome details of their fight, of the condition in which she had found him at the Leaky Cauldron.   
  
“No one’s come to talk to you? What time did you guys get here?” Remus asked, his lips drawn tightly into a thin line.  
  
“About two hours ago... I... no one’s come, yet. I don’t even know what floor they took him to,” she concluded lamely, her arms hanging limply at her sides.   
  
She shivered, wishing she had worn a coat. She had been in such a rush to make sure Sirius was okay, to get him there as quickly as possible, she had barely given a thought as to what she was wearing. She had merely pulled her wrap dress back on, a simple jersey fabric, foregoing underwear of any sort, and slipped her feet into a pair of black flats.  
  
“Thank you for letting us know,” James said softly, his brow furrowed with concern.v “Of course... You guys are his best mates. I... I figured you’d want to know...” she trailed off, tears beginning to form in her eyes.  
  
James made to approach her, but Evelyn stood, her body going rigid. “I’m going to go and ask if there’s any update to his condition,” she announced, striding towards the front desk.  
  
“I brought my boyfriend, Sirius Black here a couple of hours ago... I haven’t heard from any healers yet, how he is. I... What’s going on? Can I see him? I’m worried,” she explained to the nurse on duty, struggling to maintain her composure.  
  
“He’s on the fourth floor. He’s still in surgery, but you can wait up there, if you’d like. I’ll page a nurse to meet you in the waiting area there, okay?” the nurse told her, offering Evelyn a warm smile.  
  
“Thank you,” she replied, nodding her head.   
  
She turned on her heel, returning to the boys. “He’s on the fourth floor. She said there’d be a nurse waiting there to give us some news,” she explained, nodding towards the lifts.  
  
The group entered the lift, Evelyn pressing the button for the fourth floor. Evelyn felt her stomach drop as they exited the lift, noting the sign posted in the corridor. _Intensive Care Unit_. Evelyn felt warm fingers entwine with her own. She turned her head, to find James beside her. “He’ll be okay, Evelyn. Sirius is strong, he’s a fighter,” he told her, reassuringly.  
  
Evelyn nodded weakly, biting her lower lip. _Please god let him be okay,_ she begged, as they walked slowly down the corridor towards the waiting area. _I’ll do anything if you just let him be okay._  
  
As the nurse from downstairs had promised, there was someone waiting for them in the waiting area.   
  
“Evelyn,” a familiar voice said, as they entered the room.  
  
Evelyn looked up, finding Healer-in-training Ariana standing before her. “How is he? Is he okay?” she asked, pulling her hand from out of James’ grip, her eyes boring holes into the young healer’s own.   
  
“He’s in surgery right now. Sirius suffered from an esophageal rupture. He was vomiting blood while unconscious, so we had to get the bleeding under control and ensure there wasn’t a tear in his stomach lining before we could proceed with repairing the tear. They’re going to sew the tear in his esophagus closed, and we’ll continue treatment with fluids and antibiotics to ensure there is no infection,” Healer Ariana explained, eyeing the four teens nervously.  
  
“How’d he rupture his esophagus?” Peter asked, confused.  
  
“He wouldn’t stop fucking purging,” Evelyn muttered, lowering herself into a chair, covering her face with her hands. “I fucking asked him. I told him he had to stop, told him he was going to make the tears worse if he kept it up,” she muttered, her words barely comprehensible between her sobbing.  
  
“He had esophageal tearing, to begin with?” Remus asked, incredulously.   
  
“Healer Perkins first noted what we call Mallory-Weiss tears when he came for his annual visit in September,” Ariana offered, wringing her hands nervously.  
  
“Haven’t you ever heard of healer-patient confidentiality?” Evelyn screamed, standing shakily and stalking towards Ariana, glaring.   
  
“Evelyn. Please calm down. The last thing we need right now is for you to go into cardiac arrest, as well,” Ariana replied, placing a gentle hand on Evelyn’s shoulder.  
  
“What the bloody hell is going on?” James asked, looking between the two women. “How does she know you?”  
  
Evelyn sighed, crossing her arms over her chest. “I’m surprised that girlfriend of yours didn’t tell you,” she started, sighing. “She knows me because I am... Well, I _was_... a patient here. Sirius and I saw the same Healer.”  
  
“You had an eating disorder?” Remus asked.  
  
“Have. Present tense. I’m no longer being treated because apparently I’m what they call a ‘ _lost cause_ ’,” she explained, making air quotes.   
  
“I have to finish up my rounds. As soon as we have any word on his condition, I’ll have someone let you know,” Ariana said, excusing herself from the scene.  
  
“I can’t believe I thought you would be good for him, that you could help him with his er... _problem_ ,” James muttered, eyeing Evelyn darkly.  
  
“James,” Remus hissed, sending his friend a reproachful look. “Can’t you see she’s upset? She obviously bloody cares about him. Just because she’s sick doesn’t mean she wasn’t trying to help him. She was encouraging him to stop purging, just like the rest of us were. Don’t blame her because you’re worried and upset about Sirius.”  
  
Evelyn returned to her seat, slouching forward, her forehead resting against her knees. _I’m not here_ , she told herself, rocking forward slightly. _This isn’t happening._ She squeezed her eyes shut, a fresh batch of tears trickling down her cheeks. _I’m not here, this isn’t happening._


	16. This is the Scent of Quarantine Wings in a Hospital

Sirius woke to the sound of beeping machines and the sight of blindingly bright lights. He blinked his eyes repeatedly, struggling to grasp comprehension of where he was and what had happened. He pulled his left arm towards himself, only to feel a tugging sensation. He glanced to his left, taking note of the IV line he was attached to. “Fuck,” he whispered, covering his face with his hands.  
  
He felt a strike of panic as he felt the thin tubing protruding from out of his left nostril, wrapping around his ear and into a whirring machine next to him. _A feeding tube. They’ve got me hooked up to a feeding tube._ He clutched at his chest, his heart beginning to beat painfully fast. He sat up quickly, a jolt of nervous energy coursing through his veins, as he heard a loud alarm beginning to go off on one of the machines he was attached to. Two healers entered his room, rushing towards him.  
  
“You’re awake,” one noted, glancing him up and down.   
  
“What happened?” Sirius asked, eyeing the second healer suspiciously, as they inspected one of the machines he was attached to, scribbling furiously onto a chart.  
  
“You experienced an esophageal rupture,” the first healer noted, gazing down at him, a peculiar look on his face.  
  
“Why the feeding tube?” he asked.  
  
The second healer returned to the first’s side, eyeing Sirius curiously. “We inserted a nasogastric tube for several reasons, Mr. Black. One, because you underwent a procedure to suture the tearing in your esophagus, which will need time to heal before you can return to eating normally. Two, you are severely underweight. Healer Perkins has been consulted, and will be in to see you later this morning.”  
  
“I’m not underweight. I’m fine,” Sirius protested, crossing his arms.  
  
“You weigh 6st 2, Sirius. Your electrolytes were out of balance, and your potassium levels were dangerously low. You are putting yourself in dangerous risk of a heart attack.”  
  
Sirius shrugged. “I don’t care. I’m fine.”  
  
“Your girlfriend is here. She brought you in... would you like to see her?” the first healer asked, ignoring his statement.  
  
“I suppose,” he replied bitterly, rolling his eyes. He slumped back down, so that he was lying flat on his back.  
  
Evelyn entered the room a few minutes later, the healers leaving them alone to have a few minutes of privacy. “You’re okay,” she said softly, taking a seat in the chair beside his bed, grabbing for his hand.  
  
“Yeah, I guess,” he replied, shrugging.  
  
“Are you tired?” she asked, her eyes shining with concern.   
  
“Exhausted,” he admitted, rubbing his eyes. “You look like hell,” he noted, taking a glance at her appearance.  
  
Evelyn’s dress hung limply on her gaunt frame, the protruding bones of her chest quite apparent in the sterile hospital lighting. Her hair was damp, pulled messily into a bun. Her eyes were red, her skin splotchy, as if she’d been crying.   
  
“I’m sorry. It’s my fault,” she told him, squeezing his hand tightly.  
  
“It’s not your fault,” he told her, sighing.  
  
“I upset you. If I hadn’t been a stupid bitch and gone and seen your mother, you wouldn’t have gotten upset with me and gone off drinking. You wouldn’t have gotten so ill, and ruptured the tears in your esophagus. It’s my fault, Siri. I’m so, _so_ sorry. I’m bad for you, bad for everyone I come in contact with. Everything I touch, I ruin,” she continued, her voice cracking as she broke into a sob. Tears flowed freely down her cheeks as she continued to squeeze his hand, staring down at the floor, unable to bring herself to make eye contact with him.  
  
“Evelyn,” he said softly, pulling his hand from out of her grasp.  
  
“I should go,” she said sharply, standing up. “I’m so sorry, Sirius. I... I’m so sorry.”  
  
“Evie. Please. Stop blaming yourself. It’s not you, it’s me. It’s not like you corrupted me or set me on some sort of self-destructive path; I’ve been headed down this road for a while, now. We both know that. You don’t need to feel guilty, or whatever it is that’s bothering you. It was only a matter of time until this happened,” he told her, squeezing the bridge of his nose between his right thumb and index finger. “ _Fuck_ ,” he muttered, sighing.  
  
“Your friends hate me,” she told him suddenly, returning to her seat.  
  
“They don’t hate you, Evie.”  
  
“They do, now. I... I was afraid, Sirius. After they took you, I was alone for nearly two hours, just sitting in the lobby, no one telling me what was happening. I panicked. I wrote and asked McGonagall to let your friends come, that you’d had an accident. They came, and were totally freaked out. That stupid bitch, the healer in training that’s Perkins’ assistant, she met us when they finally told us what floor you were on. She told us what was wrong, and when I started getting upset she made a comment that made it apparent to everyone that she knew me. So I had to admit that I was also a patient of Healer Perkins, and the next thing I knew, your best mate James was implying that I’m bad for you,” Evelyn explained, wringing her hands nervously in her lap.  
  
“James is a dolt. Don’t worry about what he said... it doesn’t matter. Like I said, this was inevitable. I would have ended up in here with or without you in my life,” he assured her, exhaling deeply.  
  
“I could grab them so you can have a visit with them,” Evelyn offered, quietly.  
  
“You don’t mind, do you?” he asked, struggling to sit up in the bed.  
  
“Of course not. It’s like five in the morning. I’m tired... I’ll go home and sleep some, then come back at a decent hour to check on you?” she asked, beginning to stand.  
  
Sirius nodded. “Thanks... Evie... thank you for taking care of me. I know I say that I don’t care what happens to me but... but thanks.”  
  
Evelyn nodded, chewing nervously on her lower lip. “Love you,” she whispered, kissing him lightly on the cheek before leaving the room.

* * *

Sirius shut his eyes, enjoying a moment of solitude before having to face his three friends. _They’re going to freak out_ , he thought miserably. _How could they not? They’re not used to the realities of what this is; regular hospital visits, accidents and emergencies._  
  
“Padfoot,” James said, as he swung the door open, making a beeline for him. Sirius forced himself to smile at his friend, laughing internally at the absurdity of the situation. _Ah yes, so glad to see you, Jamie. No, no, everything’s fine. Ignore the hospital bed and the various machines I’m attached to. No big thing at all._  
  
“Are you okay?” he asked, staring down intently into Sirius’ eyes.   
  
“I’m fine, _mother_ ,” Sirius retorted, rolling his eyes.  
  
He bit his lip, watching as James made a face, eyeing his feeding tube.  
  
“Stop looking so terrified, Jamie. It’s just a feeding tube. They don’t want me to irritate my throat while it’s healing, so I’m being fed via tube,” he lied, grinning at his own cleverness. As always, Sirius was desperate to hide the reality of his situation from his friends, desperate to keep them an arm’s length distance from the truth, lest they find out and ruin all of his progress.  
  
“Evelyn said you were vomiting blood. Like just mouthfuls of blood,” Remus said quietly, looking dangerously pale. The dark circles under his eyes made Sirius’ heart pang with guilt. _I kept him up. Full moon’s in three days, and I’ve kept him up all night, worried to death about me. Stupid me._ Sirius swallowed hard, gagging slightly from the tube dangling in the back of his throat.  
  
“I’m going to be okay, Moony. I promise. I had some esophageal tearing from before... I got really drunk last night, and I got sick from it and the excessive vomiting caused one of the tears to rupture,” he explained, silently begging his friends to buy his story.  
  
“I’m going to stop purging. I’ve been trying to, really. And I’ve been good with it, it’s just this one-off incident that set it over the edge. Please, don’t worry about me. I’m going to be just fine,” he continued, feeling uneasy from his friends’ blank stares.  
  
“Evelyn _did_ say that you had been drinking pretty heavily last night,” James noted, beginning to nod his head in agreement with Sirius’ story.  
  
Remus stood silent, brooding. “I suppose,” he said sharply, his features neutral.   
  
Sirius stared at his friend, begging him to not protest.   
  
Moony stared back, his gaze intense, causing Sirius to fidget about, uncomfortable.  
  
Finally, he sighed. “I’m just glad that you’re okay, Pads. When McGonagall told us there’d been an accident, I thought... I thought-” he trailed off, his face crumpling, as he attempted to stave off tears.  
  
“Moony, I’m sorry. I’m okay, though. I’m sorry that I had you all so worried about me,” Sirius replied guiltily, wringing his hands in his lap.   
  
“When are you getting out of here?” James asked, his spirit obviously lifted by Sirius’ assurances that he was okay.  
  
“Dunno. Hopefully in a day or two,” he replied.   
  
James nodded, turning towards Remus and Peter. “I guess we should probably get going. It’s late... or early, I guess. Six in the morning, you know,” he noted, glancing down at his watch.  
  
Sirius nodded, yawning. “I’m so tired,” he said aloud, closing his eyes.  
  
“We’ll let you get some rest, then, mate. McGonagall will probably show up to floo us back to school sometime soon. But we’ll come see you again, yeah?”  
  
Sirius nodded. “If it’s more than two days, don’t worry about it, lads. I’ll be fine. I’d rather not make it so horribly noticeable to everyone at school if I’m not there,” he told his friend, chewing nervously at his lower lip. “People don’t know, do they?” he asked.  
  
Remus shook his head no. “No. It was after midnight when McGonagall came and woke us, shooing us into her office before she even told us what had happened,” he explained, offering Sirius a sympathetic look.  
  
“Good.”  
  
“Alright well, I guess we’ll be off. Take care of yourself, mate. We’ll see you soon,” James said, offering Sirius a small hug.   
  
Sirius hugged back slightly, a forced smile upon his lips.  
  
He nodded at Remus and Peter, saying goodbye. Once the three had left, Sirius sighed deeply, slinking back down into bed. _That went better than I thought it would._ He yawned again, closing his eyes, enjoying the weightless feeling of drifting off into sleep.

* * *

When Sirius woke, he found himself facing Healer Perkins, Healer-in-training Ariana by his side. “What?” he asked grumpily, rubbing sleep from his eyes.   
  
He hated how they were just standing there _looking_ at him, like he was some bloody animal on display at the zoo. “Are you going to talk to me, or are you just going to stare at me all damn day?” he said, scowling at the pair.  
  
“You never attended your follow-up therapy appointment,” Perkins said finally, looking sternly at Sirius.  
  
Sirius simultaneously shrugged and shook his head no in response, rolling his eyes. “I went to group. Isn’t that something?” he snapped, crossing his arms against his chest.  
  
“Apparently not enough, considering it’s barely been a month since your last visit here, and yet here we are, again,” Perkins said coldly, frowning.  
  
“If Miss Greengrass hadn’t gotten you here promptly, you would have died, Sirius.”  
  
Sirius inhaled quickly, staring at his healer. “I didn’t know it was that serious.”  
  
“The rupture was significant, Sirius. Blood was pouring into your stomach, which was why you were vomiting blood. The ICU healers were hesitant to operate on you because of your heart problems. They were afraid that if they induced you to suture the tear, you’d go into cardiac arrest. Your most recent EKG shows an irregular heart beat. You’re still in the ICU because you’re at high risk of cardiac arrest. Doesn’t that alarm you, Sirius?” Perkins asked, chart in hand.  
  
“I guess so...” he replied, shrugging.  
  
“Do you understand that you could have died? You still could, Sirius, if you don’t start working on getting healthy. You’re severely underweight; down another five pounds since your last visit, according to your intake. Your blood work shows significant vitamin and mineral deficiencies, which isn’t helping your heart problems, Sirius. You need inpatient treatment,” Perkins continued, a pleading note to his voice.  
  
Sirius rolled his eyes. “No. God. I... I’m fine. I don’t need inpatient. Why don’t you bother Evelyn with that nonsense? She’s thinner than I am. She’s probably sicker than I am, and I don’t see you giving _her_ a hard time,” he protested, scowling.  
  
“Miss Greengrass is no longer my patient,” Healer Perkins said flatly, arms crossed.   
  
Sirius’ jaw dropped, shocked. “She... what? Did she just stop going? Why?”  
  
“I discontinued treating her because she has consistently exhibited no desire to recover,” Perkins replied, writing something down on his chart.   
  
“I have no doubt in my mind that Miss Greengrass will die from her illness. And she appears to be hellbent on following that destructive path. You don’t want to follow her down that road, do you, Sirius?” he asked, peering down at him.  
  
“I don’t know,” Sirius replied, shrugging.  
  
“I suggest you figure out whether you want to or not, and soon,” Perkins replied dryly, shaking his head in apparent disgust.  
  
“When am I getting out of here?” Sirius asked, growing aggravated by Perkins’ presence.   
  
“When you’re medically stable. I presume you’re going to refuse to be admitted for inpatient treatment?”  
  
Sirius nodded. “Yep.”  
  
Perkins sighed, a frown forming on his face. “You’ll probably be here for another three days. When we’ve determined your esophagus is healed well enough, we’ll remove the feeding tube. I’d like to keep you on fluids for another few days; that should help balance out your electrolyte and vitamin deficiencies. When you’re released, I’ll want you to meet with a therapist weekly in addition to your group therapy sessions, as well as with a nutritionist. And I’d like to have you come in every two weeks, to monitor your vitals and weight.”  
  
“I don’t want the tube. Get it out of me,” Sirius muttered, tugging at the thin tubing.   
  
“Sirius. We’re giving you minimal nutrition. Given your condition, it’s apparent that you aren’t eating, and if you are, it’s hardly enough to qualify as sustenance. You’re being provided with nutrients to help restore what your body is deficient in. We’ll be monitoring it daily, to ensure that we don’t put you at risk of re-feeding syndrome,” he paused, taking in Sirius’ horror-stricken expression.  
  
“Sirius... you do realize that it’s possible to eat, to actually eat and obtain sustenance and not immediately gain weight. You need nourishment to live, to thrive, Sirius.”  
  
Sirius shook his head fearfully, gnawing at his lower lip. “I just... I don’t. Any amount is too much and I just... I can’t.”  
  
Perkins sighed sadly, flipping his chart closed. “I have to make rounds, now, Sirius. You have a psych consult this afternoon. I’ll stop by afterwards, to see how you are.”  
  
Sirius nodded in acknowledgment, watching as the healer exited the room, leaving him to his thoughts.   
  
_Psych consult_ , he thought miserably, gritting his teeth. _This can’t be good._


	17. Die Young and Save Yourself

Grudgingly, Sirius followed Perkins’ orders, for a short while, at least. After his release from St. Mungo’s, he made a point of following his discharge plan to a tee. He went to therapy once a week, and tried his best to make good use of his sessions. When he was younger, he had often sat silently during therapy, refusing to acknowledge the therapist at all, instead choosing to shut down completely. Now, he candidly spoke to his therapist, answering her questions the best he could, making a valiant effort to analyze why he did the things he did, why he felt the need to starve himself. Every week after therapy, he met with his nutritionist to discuss meal plans and how he was doing with eating. During group therapy, he participated, offering his honest opinions on how he was feeling and what he felt had contributed to his eating disorder. At meals, he ate, minimal amounts of course, but still, he was eating. He stopped purging, for a few weeks, at least. He felt a sense of relief as his friends began to relax around him, glad that he had quelled their worry about him. However, as always seemed to be the case with him, he found himself unable to continue on with his steps towards recovery. As the numbers began to creep up on the scale, Sirius found himself increasingly uncomfortable with his body. He avoided looking in the mirror as he undressed to shower, kept his eyes staring ahead at the wall as he bathed, unable to stand the sight of his flesh. An incident involving his favorite pair of jeans set Sirius off. On a Saturday morning in February, Sirius had decided to pull out his favorite pair of jeans, a more form-fitting pair, from out of his trunk, to wear for the day’s outing to Hogsmeade. As he pulled the jeans on, the tightness of the waistband sent Sirius into a fit of tears. He ripped them off, tossing them into the trash bin, retreating into a baggy jumper and baggy jeans. Feeling disgusted, he had wandered into the common room, seeking out Marlene, who pulled him to a retreated corner of the room to talk.  
  
“I’m getting fat. My jeans don’t fit. I’m disgusting,” he lamented, struggling to fight back tears.  
  
Marlene had patted Sirius on the shoulder, trying her best to console him. “You’re not fat Sirius. You haven’t even gained much weight. If anything, you’re bloated because you’re body is out of whack because it’s still getting used to you eating food, regularly,” she told him, offering him an encouraging smile. “You’re doing so well. Do you really want to backtrack all the progress you’ve made?”  
  
The answer to that question was simple, in Sirius’ mind; _yes, of course, anything to not have to deal with this_. It started small, a decrease in portion sizes. Still, he was eating and smiling and putting on a strong front to hide his fear and disgust from his friends, so they paid no mind to the fact that he was again subsiding on little more than dry lettuce and fruit. Slowly, he found himself visiting the toilets after meals, occasionally at first, then daily, then after every meal. James and Lily were deeply in love, and spent less time looking after him, no longer concerned enough to keep an eye on his every move, which was fine by him. Sirius enjoyed the solitude. _It just goes to show, doesn’t it,_ he thought one afternoon, wiping vomit off his mouth in the boys’ lav on the third floor, _no one cares unless you’re dying_. Remus, however, was another story altogether. While James and Peter had been so quick to fall into a lull of relief that he was doing better, Remus still eyed him suspiciously, silently questioning his food choices as they sat at meals in the Great Hall, making a pointed look every time Sirius excused himself to run off and purge. It was unnerving, really. Sirius wanted to be angry at him, wanted to lash out, to push Remus away so that he would be free to do as he pleased, without the judgment and prying eyes of others, but deep down he appreciated the concern. It warmed Sirius to know that at least someone cared enough to worry about him, to look past the manipulative front he put up and see that Sirius was falling, spiraling back into his own despair.   
  
Carefully, Remus dug through Sirius’ school bag, in search of any sort of assignment he may have been working on for therapy. Though Sirius had never brought up the subject, Remus had continued to leave him anonymous notes, usually directly related to whatever recovery assignment he was working on at that time. Sirius also appeared to be keeping the notes, as Remus had found a stack of them hidden in a compartment of Sirius’ bag. After much rummaging around, Remus came across a folded up piece of parchment, shoved towards the bottom of the school bag. Remus quickly unfolded it, taking in Sirius’ familiar handwriting. He noted that there had been much revision, as entire paragraphs had been hastily scratched out with a long line of ink, blurring the words from being able to be read properly. Unlike most of Sirius’ assignments, there was no title on the top of the parchment, no instructions regarding what the exercise was supposed to entail. Remus frowned, wondering what the purpose of the piece could be. Brows furrowed, he read the parchment, trying to deduce the meaning behind Sirius’ words:  
  
_This is the polite way of committing suicide. This is about secrets and lies and shame. This is about not wanting to admit that you need to eat. That you deserve to live. This is about being scared. This is about being terrified. Of everything. This is about control. This is about sex. This is about putting relationships on hold until you can see your sternum protruding, and by then you have no libido, anyway. This is about intense self-hatred. This is about needing so much that you can’t stand it. This is about having too many choices and too much pressure, and isn’t it easier just to keep it simple and obsess over the number of calories in a small apple? Instead of making big scary choices that might crush you to a pulp? This is about wanting to be safe. This is about really shitty coping methods. This is about making a choice that will quite possibly kill you. This is about failed relationships, therapy, devastated families, and more therapy. This is about rotten teeth and hollow bones. This is about being sick. This is about not being sick enough. This is about finally being sick enough for a bed in a unit, when you drop dead and get a mention in the local paper for being such a model student. This is not about food._  
  
Remus’ hands shook lightly as he folded the parchment back up, returning it to it’s place at the bottom of Sirius’ bag. He could vividly recall Sirius screaming across the table at dinner several days prior that _this is not about food_ , after James had referred to Sirius’ eating disorder as _his problem with food_. He retreated from Sirius’ area in the room momentarily, returning to his own desk. He grabbed a fresh piece of parchment, staring down at it, thoughtful. Carefully, he began to write, mindful to keep his handwriting neat and to avoid notable characteristics of his writing. Once finished, he re-read his work, unsure of whether or not Sirius would find the note offensive or not.  
  
_Fact: You may like your body like this for now, but you’ll love your real body even more. This isn’t the way yours, or anybody’s body was meant to be. **You like it in a sick, disordered way; you know that feeling of seductive, poisonous relief when you can touch your skeleton and know you’re too small?** That feeling, this feeling of liking your body slowly burning away into bone is the thing that will destroy you and drive you into your grave by the end of the year, if you let it. **Don’t let it.**_  
  
Satisfied, Remus folded the note in half, before carefully sticking it into Sirius’ school bag, tucked between an essay due for charms the following Monday, and his potions text. Feeling pleased with his anonymous note leaving, Remus exited the dorm, heading down to the common room, in search of James and the others.

* * *

Sirius stood in the Owlery, scribbling a quick note to Evelyn. Since he had been discharged from St. Mungo’s, she had become distant, barely writing to him. Twice, he had asked her to meet him in Hogsmeade, only to receive hastily written apologies declining his invitation. Sirius felt anxious, his heart fluttering in his chest. _Even if we’re not really together together, she should at least try to be here for me. After all I did for her... she owes me._ Sirius was unsure as to whether or not he actually was in love with Evelyn. On the one hand, he did find her attractive; of all of the sexual encounters he had experienced, Evelyn was the only partner he had felt any sort of connection with. They got on well, and he considered her to be a close friend. _After all_ , he considered, _we have so much in common. She’s the only one who really understands what I’m going through_. However, he had his doubts. For instance, he was well aware that Evelyn was still in love with Lucius. Not to mention the thoughts he had found lingering in his head during sleepless nights, thoughts of someone else he was close to, someone who _wasn’t_ a girl... He shook his head, banishing the thought from his head. “We’re mates. It’s not... I couldn’t... we’re just best mates,” he told himself, shoving his hands into his pockets.

* * *

Reluctantly, Remus found himself cornering Tom McCormick, Hufflepuff keeper, in the library one Saturday afternoon. “Tom,” he said softly, approaching the boy, who was settled in at a table in a remote corner, studying.  
  
Remus and Tom were not friends, per say. However, they both spent a great deal of time studying, and were on friendly terms. He had confided in Tom, one of the few openly queer students in their year, about his own sexuality, and Tom had honored his request to keep that knowledge to himself. Therefore, he was certain that Tom could be trusted.  
  
“Hey, Remus,” the raven haired boy greeted him, looking up from his parchment. “I’m just getting started on that essay for Herbology if you want to work on it together.”  
  
“U,mmm.. actually Tom, I wanted to know if I could talk to you about something erm... Personal,” Remus replied, his heart pounding in his chest. _Are you really ready to do this? Do you really want to go meddling in Sirius’ business behind his back?_  
  
“Of course, have a seat,” Tom told him, offering Remus a wide grin. “What’s on your mind, Lupin?”  
  
Remus took a seat across from Tom, leaving his hands in his lap, fidgeting nervously. “I don’t mean to pry into your life or anything, but Sirius mentioned that he was in a support group with you and...” he trailed off, again questioning if coming to Tom about Sirius was the right thing to do.  
  
“Yeah. He joined the eating disorder group at the beginning of term,” Tom confirmed, in his easy-going, good-natured way.   
  
_Of course he’s totally okay with talking about having an eating disorder. If he came out as queer and survived that, he must have no problem discussing any personal matters of his life_ , Remus thought, feeling slightly better about what he was about to ask.  
  
“I um... I know Sirius has been _trying_ to get better. And for a little bit, it seemed like he was doing okay, but now it seems like he’s just _not_. James and Lils and Peter are convinced that he’s doing better and that he’s okay, but I just can’t help but feel like I must be going mental because all I can see is that he’s _not_ okay, and he’s not doing better,” Remus said quickly, his words pouring out at a far quicker pace than he normally spoke. His eyes darted up to meet Tom’s, anxious to see his response.   
  
Tom nodded at him, a sad look on his face. “You’re not mental, Remus. I agree with you... Sirius isn’t doing well. He was making an effort for a while, but he fell back into a relapse... it’s not easy to recover from something like this, Rem. He’s sick... I’m sick. Eating is the most natural thing in the world, it’s a vital necessity for life, yet we are unable to cope with it. The very thought of eating turns our stomachs, throws us into a perpetual state of anxiety. Quod me nutrit, me destruit. That’s Latin, for what nourishes me destroys me. I’ve always found that phrase to be quite fitting a description.”  
  
Remus nodded in agreement with the boy, waiting for him to continue.  
  
“You have to understand that giving up his eating disorder and the behaviors that come with it is terrifying for him, Remus. It’s much easier to fall back into the safety of what’s known to him, than to face the scary unknown of recovery, to have to actually deal with his feelings and the underlying issues that brought him to where he is.”  
  
“What can I do to help him? I’ve tried reading books and asking my therapist for advice on how to help him, but nothing they suggest seems to be of any real use. I just... I don’t understand how he can think what he does of himself. He’s perfect,” Remus replied, wringing his hands in his lap.  
  
“He listens to you more than you think, Remus. Sirius thinks very highly of you... From what he’s said in group, it’s quite clear that you are easily the most important person in his life,” Tom replied, a tiny smirk on his face.  
  
Remus raised an eyebrow, silently questioning the boy.  
  
“You’re sweet on him, aren’t you?” Tom asked, his smirk forming into a grin.  
  
“Am I that obvious?” Remus asked, his cheeks flushing slightly.  
  
“No. Just the way your face lights up when you talk about him, about how you’re concerned from him. That gives you away, completely.”  
  
“So what do I do?” Remus asked, raking his fingers through his hair, sighing desperately at the situation.  
  
“About what? Your feelings for him?” Tom asked, eyebrow cocked quizzically.  
  
“No!” Remus replied sharply, feeling heat in his cheeks. “I’m... I can’t do anything about that. He has Evelyn.”  
  
Tom rolled his eyes, shaking his head in bemusement. “The best way to describe Sirius and Evelyn’s ‘relationship’ is mutual usury. They’re two sad, sick, lonely people clinging to one another because they enable one another to engage in self-destructive behaviors. They’re toxic, Remus. While I don’t deny that they care about each other, they bring out the worst in each other.”  
  
“He loves her.”  
  
“He loves the _idea_ of her. I’ve gotten the impression that Sirius doesn’t have a lot of experience with being on the receiving end of affection. He lost his virginity to her when he was what, fourteen? So it’s no wonder that he equates the notion of love with Evelyn. She was his first, and was probably the first person to give him any sort of attention without expecting anything from him in exchange.”  
  
“I don’t know,” Remus muttered, crossing his arms. “I.. he kissed me once, when he was drunk.”  
  
Tom’s eyebrow rose again. “And?”  
  
“Well it was New Year’s. He and Evelyn exchanged sharp words after Lucius showed up, and she ran off. He stayed with me, rather than follow after her. We were drinking and at midnight he... he leaned forward and grabbed me and kissed me,” Remus explained nervously, beginning to fuss about with his tie.  
  
“Like a peck on the lips or a kiss kiss?” Tom asked.  
  
“A kiss kiss,” he affirmed, gnawing on his lower lip.  
  
“So why haven’t you just talked to him about it?”  
  
“Because I don’t want to make a fool of myself! He was drunk, he’s straight!”  
  
Tom rolled his eyes. “Mate, something tells me that he doesn’t exclusively swing just one way.”  
  
“I can’t say anything about it to him now, it’s been way too long. It’d seem creepy if I were to bring it up after all this time,” Remus muttered, frowning.  
  
“So don’t talk. Just walk up to him and kiss him and see what happens!” Tom suggested eagerly.  
  
Remus rolled his eyes. “Oh gods, you have to be kidding me, right?”  
  
“I’m just saying, that’s a surefire way to determine if he kissed you because he wanted to or not.”  
  
Remus paused a moment, considering. “I’ll think about it,” he told the boy, shrugging.  
  
“Anyway... what I wanted your advice on is what I could possibly do to help him. He’s throwing up again. I’m afraid for him. He nearly died when he was hospitalized last... I don’t want to lose him, Tom.”  
  
Tom sighed, staring down at his textbook for a moment. “Recovery is hard, Remus. There’s no one-size-fits-all method of helping someone. What works for some might not work for others. It’s really a matter of trial and error, seeing what helps and what doesn’t. But as for Sirius... I don’t know if there’s really anything you could do to help him turn things around, at this point.”  
  
“What do you mean?” Remus asked, his eyes bulging from shock.  
  
“People who have had eating disorders for a long, long time and who still have lives don’t keep going on with their lives in eating disorder-induced crisis mode. They either have to drop out of life frequently to return from crisis mode, or their eating disorders are at a consistent sub-crisis level. Sirius was at a sub-crisis level for a really long while, but he is kind of at a crisis level, at this point. It has really messed up his life, and his entire self. I don’t think that just going on with his life is a real option, or at least it won’t remain an option for much longer.”   
  
“So you’re saying he can’t be helped,” Remus hissed, an accusatory tone in his voice.  
  
Again, Tom sighed. “I’m saying that I don’t think Sirius will be able to accept help until he really bottoms out. He has to hit rock bottom before he’ll be willing to acknowledge that he’s in too deep and needs help. Sirius is a do-or-die kind of individual, as I’m sure you know, Remus. Everything is extremes. I honestly think it’s going to have to come down to choosing between life or death before he’ll be able to even consider trying to get better. I’m sorry. I know that’s not what you wanted to hear,” Tom apologized, a sad look on his face.  
  
“I have to at least try,” Remus replied, again toying with the knot of his tie.  
  
“I never said not to. When you love someone, you try and you try to help them and to be there for them, even when they’re begging you not to,” Tom replied softly, soothingly placing his palm over Remus’ right hand. “You love him?” he asked.  
  
“I do,” Remus agreed, nodding.  
  
“You have a good heart, Remus. I think you are exactly what a boy like Sirius needs.”  
  
“Maybe I am,” Remus replied softly, brushing Tom’s hand off of his own. “Maybe I am.”

* * *

Sirius laid in bed, struggling to get comfortable. His jutting hipbones made lying on his side unbearable. His now quite-prominent spine made lying on his back unpleasant, as well. Frustrated, he shoved his covers off of him, the heat from the blankets stifling. Trembling slightly, Sirius rose from his bed, grabbing for his watch off of his nightstand. It was three am. _I need to get out of here. I can’t stand to be here._ Not bothering with socks, he pulled on his trainers, to complete his outfit of pajama pants and a thin cotton tee. Sirius hadn’t consumed anything other than coffee and water in nearly a week. He hadn’t slept in almost two. Feeling disconnected, as if he were watching his body from an outside perspective, he grabbed his pack of cigarettes off his desk, quietly slipping out of the dorm. Mindlessly, Sirius found himself wandering through the castle, towards the Astronomy Tower. Once outside, he lit a cigarette, leaning over the railing, staring out at the starry winter sky. Sirius barely noted the coldness, fixated on smoking his cigarette. _Inhale. Exhale. Repeat._ He lit another cigarette, thinking of Evelyn. Thinking of how two weeks prior he had found her, had walked in on her sleeping with _him_. Lucius. How she hadn’t even reacted when she saw him standing in her doorway, mouth agape.   
  
“ _What do you want?_ ” she had asked him, her neck craning backward as she glared at him, writing in pleasure from Lucius’ cock in her...  
  
He shook his head furiously, banishing the thought from his mind. “What am I even doing here, anymore? I don’t want to be alive. I hate this. I hate everything,” he muttered to himself, running his fingers through his hair.   
  
He stared down towards the ground, squinting to see the grass beneath his line of vision. _I could do this. I could just jump, and all of this would be over... The fall would kill me, I’m sure of it..._  
  
“Sirius! What are you doing?”  
  
Sirius turned, startled. Standing at the entrance back into the tower was Remus, dressed in his nightclothes and a robe, looking terrified. Sirius stared, numb.  
  
“Siri... are you okay? You’re dressed only in a tee shirt and pajama bottoms. It’s snowing, mate. It’s freezing out,” Remus said, slowly approaching him.  
  
It was only after Remus embraced him, pulling him tightly into a hug that it registered in Sirius’ mind that he was crying.   
  
“Padfoot, what’s wrong?” Moony whispered softly, soothingly, into his ear.  
  
“Ev-everything. I can’t do this anymore, Moony. I can’t,” Sirius choked, his words barely comprehensible between his sobs and gasping breath.  
  
“Can’t do what, Sirius? Tell me. Talk to me,” Remus replied, holding his friend tighter.  
  
“Anything. I feel like I’m going crazy. I feel like I’m going to explode. I’m so... angry. At everything and everyone. I can’t think straight. I feel like I’m dying. I can’t focus. I walked in on Evelyn fucking Lucius.... and she just stared at me like I was nothing. Like I was interrupting her and something _more important_. What’s wrong with me, Moony? Why am I so incapable of being loved by anyone?”  
  
“Don’t say that, Padfoot. It’s not true.”  
  
“It’s true though. I can’t do anything right. I couldn’t please my parents, I can’t find someone to love me back. Everything I touch, I ruin. You don’t even know. _I throw up everything that I eat. EVERYTHING_. I see blood, and I shove my fingers back down my throat, because I don’t fucking care. I pray, every single time I find myself back in the bathroom, puking my guts up, that this time it’ll be it; this time I’ll finally go into cardiac arrest and die and this will all be over. **I hate myself, Remus. HATE**. All I know is that I am not _enough_ for anyone. I’m fat. I’m disgusting. I’m a failure. I just don’t want to be in pain anymore, Moony. Is that so much to ask for?” Sirius asked, bursting into a fresh set of tears, pressing his face against Remus’ shoulder, too distraught to face his friend, to let him see the physical manifestation of his weakness.  
  
“Sirius,” Remus started, his voice firm but gentle. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so, _so_ sorry that you’ve had to suffer so badly. But Siri, you have to know that all those thoughts in your head, all these impulses you have to do what you do, to self-destruct, are _wrong_. Just out and out wrong. You don’t deserve a second of all this bullshit. You’re _perfect_ and _wonderful_ and nobody should ever have to go through this hell that you’ve suffered through. I love you, Sirius. Please, know that I’m here.... Don’t give up, now.”  
  
Sirius pulled his head up, to face Remus. “Rem-”   
  
Remus interrupted him by leaning forward, pressing his lips to Sirius’, kissing him.  
  
Sirius kissed back, letting Remus’ tongue enter his mouth. The two kissed for what felt like an eternity, both oblivious to the passing of time, or what was going on around them.


	18. I Am Too Weak to Be Your Cure

Gasping for air, Remus pulled back, breathing in and out deeply, his eyes boring holes into Sirius’.  
  
“Moony,” Sirius said softly, his fingers lightly touching his lips.  
  
“S-sorry about that I didn’t mean... I know you’re... I...” Remus stammered, trembling.  
  
Sirius laughed, slowly approaching him. “Moony... shhhh,” he said softly, pressing his lips to Remus’, kissing him more forcefully, this time.  
  
Remus kissed back, twining his fingers into Sirius’ black locks, pulling the boy closer to him. His tongue darted about Sirius’ mouth hungrily, as he tried desperately to memorize the exact feeling of Sirius’ lips against his. “Mmmm,” he groaned, tensing up slightly as he felt Sirius’ arms slink around his waist.   
  
“You’re shivering, Padfoot,” he said suddenly, as he felt Sirius’ body trembling. “Let’s get you inside.”  
  
With an arm around Sirius’ waist, Remus guided him back down to Gryffindor Tower. Once safely in the common room, Remus paused to examine Sirius, assessing the damage exposure to the elements had done. “Your lips are blue, Siri... you need to get warmed up. Why don’t you lay down on the couch by the fire? I’ll get you a blanket,” he offered gently, smiling softly at his friend.  
  
Sirius nodded, obeying. Remus tiptoed back to the dorms for a moment, returning with a blanket and a vial in hand. “Here you go,” he said, wrapping Sirius up in the blanket. “I brought you some pep-up potion, as well. That’ll help you warm up some and feel better.”  
  
Sirius accepted the dosage of the potion, draining the flask promptly. “Sit with me?” he asked weakly, his eyes begging.  
  
Remus nodded, taking a seat on the couch. He didn’t object when Sirius readjusted himself to rest his head in Remus’ lap. Remus stroked Sirius’ hair absently, staring into the fire. “You really need to be careful, Padfoot. It’s dangerous to just wander out after dark... it was snowing... you could have caught your death.”  
  
“Remus... when you tried to... you know... how were you feeling?” Sirius asked suddenly, his voice tight, as though he were struggling to fight back tears.  
  
Remus sighed, his brow furrowing. “Pads, I don’t really think now is the time to talk about-”  
  
“Please, Moony. I... tonight I felt so badly that I was thinking about... I wanted to....” Sirius trailed off, the low sound of sniffling taking place of his words.  
  
Remus sighed, stroking Sirius’ hair. “Shhh... Siri. It’s okay. You’re okay. I know how it feels to want to die, Siri... But I’m glad you didn’t. I’m glad you didn’t try to do anything to hurt yourself. I love you, Sirius.”  
  
Sirius mumbled something incomprehensible, nuzzling into Remus’ lap.   
  
“Pads... can I ask you something?” Remus asked, his voice barely above a whisper.  
  
“Of course... what?”  
  
“I don’t know if you remember it or anything but... why did you kiss me on New Year’s?”  
  
“Why did you kiss me tonight?” Sirius countered, lifting his head up to face Remus.   
  
“You kissed back, didn’t you?” Remus retorted, his eyes drifting down towards the floor.  
  
Sirius sighed, pulling himself up so that he was sitting up beside Remus. “I kissed you on New Year’s because I wanted to. We were having fun, and it was almost midnight and your lips looked so kissable so... I kissed you.”  
  
“I wanted to see if you’d kiss me back,” Remus said lowly, eyes still staring down at the floor. “To see if New Year’s wasn’t some drunk mistake.”  
  
“Why would you think it was a mistake, Moony? Do you have any idea how incredibly cute you are?” Sirius asked, cupping Remus’ chin with his hand, forcing him to look up, to make eye contact.  
  
“Sod off, Pads,” Remus scoffed, shaking his head, pulling himself from Sirius’ grasp.  
  
“It’s true, all the same.”  
  
Remus shrugged, brushing off the compliment. “What made you want to... you know? Evelyn?” he asked, changing the subject.  
  
Sirius shrugged. “I don’t know... maybe, a little. I’m just lonely, I guess. Everyone has someone and I’m just alone,” he noted, struggling to stifle a yawn.  
  
“We should get you up to bed. You haven’t slept in weeks, Pads,” Remus noted, standing up.  
  
He offered Sirius a hand, helping him to his feet. Slowly, the two boys wandered upstairs to the dormitory. Remus watched as Sirius pulled off his shoes, tossing them carelessly towards the foot of his bed. Remus removed his robe, carefully folding it and placing it back in his dresser.   
  
“Moony?” Sirius asked quietly, peering over at him from under his comforter.  
  
“What is is, Pads?” Remus asked, taking a few steps towards Sirius’ bed.  
  
“Lay with me? I... I don’t want to be alone.”  
  
Remus nodded, climbing into bed beside Sirius. Remus lay on his side, one are carefully draped around Sirius’ waist. “This okay?” he asked, whispering into the other boy’s ear.  
  
“Mhhhm,” Sirius mumbled, already drifting off to sleep.

* * *

The next morning, Sirius woke to an empty bed. He sat up suddenly, waiting momentarily for the dizziness to pass. Once he felt sufficiently level-headed, he rose from bed, glancing around the dorm room. The other three beds were empty. Frowning, Sirius grabbed his watch off his dresser, curious as to what time it was. Noon. Quickly, Sirius dressed, hurrying off towards the common room. He approached Lily, who was sitting with Marlene, working on charms homework. “Hey Lils,” he greeted the redhead, joining the pair at their table, “Where’s James?” Lily looked up from her parchment, eyeing him curiously. “I wasn’t aware it was my turn to keep tabs on him, Sirius. How are you feeling? You slept in late today.”  
  
Sirius shrugged. “Oh, you know. Alright, I guess.”  
  
Marlene snorted, rolling her eyes. “Remus told us he found you leaning over the ledge of the Astronomy Tower,” she noted, staring Sirius down. “So you can cut the crap and tell us how you’re _really_ doing.”  
  
“Not here,” he muttered, nodding towards the group of third year girls hovering close to their table.  
  
“Get your coat, then. We’ll take a walk around the lake,” Marlene said, beginning to gather up her belongings. 

* * *

Evelyn stared down into her glass of gin, waiting. She had received an owl early that morning, summoning her to Hogsmeade. She had been urged that it was an urgent matter, and to be at the Three Broomsticks by noon. Growing bored, she tapped her nails against the bar, frowning. She glanced up at the clock on the wall; it was now half-past. _Where on Earth could they be?_ She glanced towards the front door, frowning. To her relief, she at last saw three familiar boys entering the establishment. James, the tallest, nodded at her, motioning towards a free table near the windows on the far side of the room. Evelyn nodded back in acknowledgment, leaving a galleon on the bar and grabbing her drink to join the others. Gracefully, she took a seat at their chosen table, finding herself opposite James, Peter and Remus on either side of her.   
  
“So, what’s all this about?” she asked, grasping nervously at her white fur collar, a single eyebrow raised.  
  
“So what’s going on with you and Sirius?” James asked, offering her a withering glare.  
  
“Um, I dunno... He’s busy with school and I’m in London so I haven’t heard from him much,” Evelyn replied icily, shooting James a withering look of her own.  
  
“Well he went to see you a few weeks ago, didn’t he?” James sneered, arms crossed.  
  
Evelyn paled, her hands dropping to her lap. “He told you all about that, did he?” she asked quietly.  
  
“I don’t understand you, Evelyn. Malfoy, _really_? Sirius loves you. Why would you want to be someone’s play thing when you could be with someone who would treat you like you’re everything?” James asked incredulously, his eyes burning with disgust.  
  
“I was doing what was best for both of us... I... I didn’t think he would just show up,” she muttered, again toying with her collar.   
  
“You’ve been avoiding him since St. Mungo’s,” Remus noted, speaking for the first time since their arrival.  
  
“I know what you all think of me,” Evelyn said calmly, taking a sip of her drink. She glanced at each of the boys, placing her glass down. “That’s why I distanced myself. Because I was making him worse.”  
  
The three boys remained silent, staring at her. Evelyn sighed, draining her glass. “Get me another drink, would you dear?” she asked Peter, offering him a sugary sweet grin. “A gin and tonic, hold the tonic.”  
  
Peter nodded stiffly, picking up her empty glass and wandering towards the bar. Evelyn sighed, pulling her pack of cigarettes from her coat pocket. Slowly, she lit up, biding her time. She took a deep drag, blowing a stream of smoke in James’ direction. “Don’t think for even a second that I don’t care deeply for Sirius. I do. But after seeing him in the hospital like he was, seeing how bad off he’s gotten since we began seeing each other regularly, it got me to thinking...” she trailed off, taking another drag of her smoke.  
  
“Well?” James asked, rolling his eyes.  
  
“I thought if I avoided him, he’d get sick of me and move on and work on actually getting better. I know I’m a lost cause, but he still has a shot. Being around me, having me in his life, is not helping him. Seeing me makes him think that it’s an option to live this way. I love Sirius too much to let him die with me,” she continued, tears beginning to slowly roll down her cheeks.  
  
“Why couldn’t you just tell him that yourself?” Remus asked gently, placing a trembling hand over Evelyn’s own.  
  
Evelyn laughed coldly, pulling her hand out from under Remus’. “You know how Sirius is. He’s fiercely loyal to the very end. If I were to tell him all of that, he’d just cling to me more, and in trying to foolishly save me, allow me to pull him down with me.”  
  
“Don’t you think he deserves better from you, than to leave him thinking you used him as some sort of fuck toy to take your mind off of Lucius?” James asked, frowning.  
  
Peter returned, Evelyn’s drink in hand. “Thanks,” she said briskly, grabbing the glass from his grasp, and pouring nearly half the contents down her throat.  
  
She coughed, placing the glass down on the table, hands trembling slightly. “It’s better if he thinks that I was merely using him. If he hates me, it’ll be easier. He’ll move on, find someone else,” she noted, a bitter tone in her voice.  
  
“Is it selfish of me to desperately want to keep him to myself?” she asked, laughing slightly. “He’s so beautiful... just really everything someone could want in a man.”  
  
The trio of boys watched her suspiciously, as she drained her glass of its contents. “Obviously, I’m not going to. I’m not that selfish... he deserves better than a trainwreck like me. Deserves better than a has-been whore.”  
  
“You’re not a whore, Evelyn,” Remus said quietly, trying to meet her gaze.  
  
“He’s not doing well, is he?” she asked, biting her lower lip.  
  
James and Remus exchanged looks. Remus cleared his throat, clearly uncomfortable with having to speak. “He was doing okay for a few weeks after he got out of the hospital. He was eating, and not purging. He gained a little weight, and apparently panicked and reverted back to his old ways. I don’t know what he weighs, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s less than he weighed when you brought him to St. Mungo’s back in January.”  
  
Evelyn nodded, pulling at a loose thread on the sleeve of her coat. “I’m so sorry... if I knew that my avoiding him would make him worse, I wouldn’t have...” she trailed off, sniffling.  
  
“He’s suicidal, I think,” Remus noted, a pained expression on his face.  
  
“What... what makes you say that?” Evelyn questioned, frowning.  
  
Sighing, Remus nervously ran his fingers through his hair. “Well, last night, I found him leaning over the edge of one of the towers, dressed in just his night clothes while it was snowing. When I brought him inside, he told me that he...” his voice cracked, his lips trembling with emotion. “He told me that he wanted to die.”  
  
Evelyn reached out, grabbing Remus’ hand in her own. She squeezed his hand lightly, tears burning in her eyes. “I’m so sorry, Remus. I’m sorry I... I can’t do anything right. I can’t help him, I can’t help myself... I’m just... I’m sorry.”

* * *

Sirius lit a cigarette, ignoring Lily’s glaring looks. “I need a cigarette to talk about this Lils,” he muttered, struggling to ignite his lighter with the wind bustling about.  
  
“Why don’t you just use your wand?” Marlene pointed out, shoving her hands in her pockets as the three rounded about the black lake.   
  
“I _like_ using a lighter,” Sirius muttered, finally managing to light his cigarette. He inhaled deeply, blowing a stream of smoke in Marlene’s face.  
  
“Charming, Sirius,” she retorted, rolling her eyes. “So what the hell happened, last night?”  
  
Sirius shrugged, inhaling another drag, while shoving his free hand in his pocket. Although it was now March, the dreary winter weather showed no signs of breaking. “I just had enough, I guess.”  
  
“Were you really going to kill yourself?” Lily asked softly, pausing to gaze up into Sirius’ eyes, her own green ones filled with concern.  
  
“If Remus hadn’t shown up... probably,” he replied, looking out towards the lake, breaking his gaze with Lily.  
  
“You know you’re worse off than you were before you were hospitalized, I think,” Marlene noted, her tone softer, this time.  
  
Sirius shrugged, focusing on his cigarette.  
  
“How much do you weigh?” she asked, breaking the silence.  
  
“I’m fine, Marlene. I’m doing better. You should know that. I told you... I’ve gained weight. My jeans don’t fit, anymore. I’m getting fat,” he hissed, turning to face the blonde.  
  
“Since you’re gaining _so_ much weight, I suppose that’s why I saw you punching an additional hole into your belt, so you can keep your trousers up, right?” she sneered.  
  
Sirius shook his head, ignoring her comment. “I’m doing fine, really. I’m eating. I’m going to therapy. What more do you people want from me?” he yelled, hurling his cigarette butt into the lake.  
  
“Sirius,” Lily said gently, placing her hand on his shoulder, “we want to know that you’re okay. And given the fact that you admitted to wanting to kill yourself, I think it’s safe to say that you’re not okay.”  
  
Sirius shrugged, shoving his hands into his pockets. “I’m fine. I was just having a bad night. I miss Evie. I don’t know,” he muttered.  
  
“You need to meet with your therapist. Immediately,” Marlene interjected, her eyes struggling to meet Sirius’.   
  
“I’ll see her at my appointment on Thursday,” he replied coldly, crossing his arms.  
  
“No. You need to write her and get an appointment for as soon as possible. Or I’m reporting to McGonagall that you’re suicidal,” Marlene retorted, arms crossed, as well.  
  
“You wouldn’t,” Sirius breathed, eyes burning with rage.  
  
“Oh, but I would. I told you this before, Sirius... we’re in group, together. When one of us is in crisis, we’re supposed to look out for one another... and it’s blatantly clear that you’re in crisis.”  
  
“Lily, you wouldn’t let her, would you?” he begged, turning to the redhead.  
  
Lily eyed him sadly, toying with her hair. “Sirius, I love you, but you need help. We’re all worried to death, over you. Remus is sick with worry... we need to know that you’re safe.”  
  
Sirius came to a halt, feeling himself shaking with rage. “You know what? I don’t feel much like talking, anymore,” he said sharply, turning the opposite direction and beginning to walk back towards the castle.  
  
“Sirius, wait, don’t-”   
  
“Next time I’ll make sure to find somewhere more private when I feel like killing myself,” he called over his shoulder, ignoring Lily’s plea for him to stop and to not run off.   
  
_Fuck this_ , he thought angrily, stomping back towards the castle. _Fuck everyone and their bullshit so-called caring. I don’t need them. I don’t need anyone._


	19. If I'm an Arrogant Prick, Shitting Out Heart Attacks... Then You're the Queen of the Damned; Feelingless, Devoid of Tact

Fearing Marlene’s threat, Sirius had gone ahead and owled his therapist, requesting to schedule an emergency session. She had replied promptly, and he had an appointment the following day at 9am.  
  
“How are you feeling, Sirius?”  
  
Sirius looked up, surprised by his therapist, Amelia Goodale’s sudden question. They had been sitting in silence for nearly fifteen minutes, as he had come in and chosen to stare at the floor at the beginning of his session. He shrugged, exhaling deeply.  
  
Amelia watched him silently, taking a sip of her tea. “You owled me yesterday afternoon saying that you needed to make an emergency appointment. What happened that prompted that?” she asked, offering Sirius her warm, sunny smile that he found positively infuriating.  
  
“My stupid friends forced me to,” he muttered, crossing his arms, returning his gaze to the floor.  
  
Amelia tilted her head slightly, waiting for him to elaborate.  
  
“I was thinking about killing myself, okay? I told Remus, and he told the others... I didn’t try anything! I just... I don’t know... they were scared so they made me make an appointment,” he said finally, his eyes still staring at the floor.  
  
Amelia placed her tea cup back on its saucer, the clink of china the only sound in the otherwise silent room. “Sirius, I’m going to ask you a series of questions, okay?” she asked, her voice even, as she removed a parchment from from a drawer in her desk.  
  
Sirius shrugged in response, hugging himself. He felt uneasy, instantly regretting telling her the truth.  
  
“Have you wished you were dead or wished you could go to sleep and not wake up?”  
  
“No.” _Yes._  
  
“Have you actually had any thoughts of killing yourself?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Have you been thinking about how you might kill yourself?” Amelia asked, writing something down on the parchment before her.  
  
“No.” _Yes._  
  
“Have you had these thoughts and had some intention of acting on them?”  
  
“No.” _Yes._  
  
“Have you ever done anything, started to do anything, or prepared to do anything to end your life?”  
  
Sirius rolled his eyes, scoffing. “No.” _Yes_.  
  
“Why were you thinking about killing yourself, Sirius?” Amelia asked, eyeing him suspiciously.  
  
Sirius shrugged. “I don’t know... it was stupid. I wasn’t thinking straight, I hadn’t slept in almost a week. I wasn’t in a right state of mind,” he replied.  
  
“Would you say that you’re depressed?” she questioned, raising her cup from its saucer, taking a small sip.  
  
Sirius shrugged, remaining silent. “I guess. My life is shit.”  
  
“Why do you say that?”  
  
“Because it is! There’s not one thing in particular that makes everything feel so hard; it’s a million little things. I have to go to stupid therapy and see Healer Perkins every two weeks. My friends think I’m mental and hover over me like I’m this fragile doll that could break any second. I can’t become an Auror because I was hospitalized for my eating disorder. My not-girlfriend won’t respond to my letters, and she’s fucking her ex. Who is married to my cousin. I think I might fancy blokes. I just... it’s too much!” he shouted, his face turning red from the effort.   
  
Amelia stared politely at him, waiting for him to continue.  
  
“I kissed Remus... well, he kissed me first, then I kissed him again. The other night.”  
  
“Do you fancy Remus?” Amelia asked.  
  
Sirius felt his cheeks flushing. “I think I might...” he said quietly, his eyes glued to the floor.  
  
“You’re unsure of your sexuality,” Amelia said evenly, raising an eyebrow.  
  
“I don’t know,” Sirius replied sullenly, running his fingers through his long black locks. “I like girls, well enough. I’ve slept with plenty of them, and it feels good, being with a girl. I’m attracted to Evelyn. But I’ve had thoughts about Remus that make me feel... That’s not possible, is it? To like birds _and_ blokes?” he asked, finally looking up, making eye contact with his therapist.  
  
“Bi-sexuality is certainly a real thing, Sirius. There’s nothing wrong with being attracted to both men and women.”  
  
“But he’s my best mate... Even if I _did_ want him, and by some chance he wanted me, I couldn’t... James would kill me...” he trailed off, sighing.  
  
“I think that James wouldn’t care, one way or the other. From what you have said, he seems like a very good friend. I’m sure that he only wants for you to be happy and healthy, Sirius,” Amelia replied, beginning to scribble furiously on a pad of paper.   
  
“Whatever,” he scoffed, crossing his arms.  
  
“Sirius,” Amelia said suddenly, breaking the silence.  
  
“What?” he asked, scowling.  
  
“Healer Perkins, your nutritionist, and I have spoken, and we collectively agree that it would be beneficial for you to receive more intensive treatment,” she said slowly, offering him her annoying sunny smile  
  
. “I don’t know how many times I have to tell you people, I am _not_ going to inpatient,” he spat, jumping to his feet. He grabbed onto the back of the chair, steadying himself, as he felt his vision go black.  
  
“Look at yourself, Sirius. You nearly passed out, just from standing. Your health and mental status has been steadily declining... this is far beyond just a slip up or even a relapse; you are deep in the throes of anorexia, Sirius, and you need to be hospitalized before you do permanent damage to your body. Or kill yourself.”  
  
“ **I’m not bloody suicidal. I’m not sick! I’m fucking fine! Why don’t you all leave me the fuck alone?** ” Sirius screamed, slamming his fist on the therapist’s desk.   
  
“Sirius, we’re concerned for you. Your friends, the people who love you, fear for your safety and well-being. Please, calm down-”  
  
“No. I **won’t** calm down. I don’t need this. I’m done. Therapy is bullshit and you aren’t helping me, so I’m done. I won’t be back, Amelia,” he spat, reaching across the desk, grabbing his file from the therapist’s hands.   
  
“Incendio,” he muttered, and with a flick of his wrist, he set the file ablaze.   
  
Sirius smirked triumphantly as a small pile of ash fell onto the therapist’s desk. “You and your entire profession are a pathetic joke. You make me sick.”  
  
“Sirius... you admitted to having suicidal thoughts... I could report you, have you admitted to St. Mungo’s...” Amelia started, her voice shaky.   
  
Sirius smirked, noting the fear in the woman’s eyes. “Go ahead and try. Do you have any idea who I am? I’m Sirius Orion Black. People like me _matter_ , whereas people like you _don’t_. Save your empty threats for someone who gives a fuck,” he scoffed, exhibiting for the therapist his infamous Black scowl.   
  
As he turned on his heel to leave, he paused. “You may as well let the nutritionist, and Perkins for that matter, know that I won’t be back, as well. I’m _done_.”

Angrily, Sirius stormed out of the therapist's office, stalking off towards the town proper. He lit a cigarette, glancing around the near-empty streets. As it was still early in the morning, the village was quiet. He thought about stopping into the Three Broomsticks, but decided against it. _I need somewhere darker, more suitable_ , he thought miserably, flicking his cigarette and frowning. He began walking down the street again, stopping when the sign for the Hog’s Head caught his eye. _This will suit me just fine_.  
  
The Hog’s Head was a far cry from the bright, cheerful atmosphere of the Three Broomsticks; rather, it was a small dingy pub filled with a handful of rather shady looking characters. Keeping his head hung low, he seated himself at the end of the bar closest to the door, muttering to the barkeep to get him a double firewhiskey, and to keep them coming. He downed his first drink in two gulps, wincing slightly as the burning alcohol hit his irritated throat. He flung a hand in the air carelessly, signaling the barkeep to refresh his drink. This pattern continued for some time, until at last Sirius’ eyes began to glaze over, the effect of the drink finally setting in.   
  
Blearily, Sirius turned his head towards the opposite end of the bar, taking notice of a young woman staring distraught into a filthy martini glass. _Evelyn_ , he thought, recognizing the familiar blonde hair and blue eyes. Careful to keep his balance, he stood up from his barstool, staring down at his feet to insure he didn’t stumble as he made his way towards her.   
  
“Hello, beautiful,” a familiar voice whispered, breath hot on Evelyn’s ear.   
  
“Sirius,” she said softly, turning her head. “What are you doing here?”  
  
“I could easily ask you the same thing,” Sirius replied, leaning forward, kissing her softly on the nape of her neck.  
  
“London was getting dull,” she shrugged, her coat sliding loosely off of her shoulders.  
  
“Shouldn’t you be at school, now? NEWTS are only a few months away,” she continued, staring back down into her glass.  
  
“I had therapy,” Sirius replied simply, taking a seat beside her.   
  
He motioned to the bartender, requesting another double whiskey. Evelyn brought her glass to her lips, draining the contents. “Another, please,” she requested primly, shoving the glass forward on the bar.  
  
“I’m guessing that didn’t go so well,” she noted, turning to Sirius.  
  
“Hardly,” he replied, rolling his eyes. “She asked me all these stupid questions about being suicidal.”  
  
“Well... you are, aren’t you?”  
  
“What’d you just say?” Sirius asked sharply, his eyes burning with rage.  
  
“That’s what James and your other little friends said,” she noted, shrugging. “James owled me Sunday morning, requesting a meeting. Said you were suicidal.”  
  
Sirius sighed loudly, squeezing the bridge of his nose. “What did they say to you?”  
  
“I’m sorry about Lucius, Siri. Really. I didn’t... I’m sorry if I hurt you,” she said quietly, taking a sip of her freshened drink.  
  
“It’s fine,” Sirius retorted, draining his drink in one gulp. “That’s just who you are.”  
  
He grabbed Evelyn’s arm, tugging her slightly. “You want to get out of here?” he asked, pointedly.  
  
Evelyn grabbed her glass, tilting her head back to finish the remainder of her martini in one gulp. “Sure,” she agreed, letting Sirius half-lead, half-drag her out of the pub.  
  
As the pair turned the corner towards a back alley, Evelyn found herself shoved against a brick wall by Sirius. Before she had a chance to react, she felt Sirius’ hands gripping her wrists, his lips pressed to hers. He kissed her roughly, his tongue forcing its way between her lips, leaving Evelyn no choice but to oblige. Sirius let go of one wrist, his free hand beginning to fumble with her coat, unbuttoning it. Evelyn squirmed, trying to pull away from Sirius’ reach. “Siri, not here,” she said hoarsely, turning her head, breaking the kiss.  
  
“What, are you too good for fucking in alleyways, now?” he asked, the familiar gleam of anger in his eyes.  
  
“I have a room over at the Three Broomsticks. We can go there,” she offered, re-buttoning her coat.  
  
“Fine,” he agreed, grabbing her arm and pulling her along with him, back towards the main road. 

* * *

Upon arrival at Evelyn’s room, Sirius tore off his cloak, tossing it to the floor, as he kicked off his shoes. Carefully, Evelyn removed her coat, stepping out of her flats. Sirius grabbed her by the waist, pulling her into an embrace, kissing her. “Mmmm, Siri,” she cooed, entwining her fingers in his hair.  
  
Roughly, Sirius shoved her onto the bed, hovering over her as she lay flat on her back. Sirius kissed her softly on the lips, before unbuckling his belt. “Take off your knickers and turn around,” he instructed, nodding towards her.  
  
Eagerly, Evelyn obliged, tossing her underwear to the side. “Should I get undressed?” she asked, a single eyebrow raised.  
  
“No need, just turn around. I want you from behind,” he replied, kicking off his trousers and boxers, leaving him in only his button down, his school tie tied loosely around his neck.  
  
Swiftly, Sirius entered her, grabbing Evelyn by the throat as he pumped into her.  
  
“Ohhh, Sirius,” she moaned, clawing at the bedding, as Sirius continued his steady rhythm of thrusts.  
  
“Shut. The. Fuck. Up,” he yelled, punctuating each word with a powerful thrust, his fingers entwining her silky hair.   
  
Once finished, Sirius pulled himself out of her, lying beside her on the bed.   
  
“So how is Lucius?” he asked suddenly.  
  
Evelyn rolled onto her side, a shocked expression on her face. “Siri... I....”  
  
“You’re fucking him. I know. It’s fine. You’re still in love with him, it’s fine. I get that. I don’t care,” Sirius said harshly, laughing.  
  
“It’s not that I don’t care about you, Siri... it’s complicated,” Evelyn said, biting her lip.  
  
“I think I like blokes,” he said suddenly, staring straight up at the ceiling.  
  
“I know,” Evelyn replied, shrugging.  
  
Sirius sat up suddenly, turning to face her. “What do you mean by that?” he asked.  
  
“I just kind of always had the feeling that you... fancied blokes,” she replied, sitting up as well.  
  
“Why?”  
  
“Well... considering the type of girls you’ve shagged, namely me, it’s quite apparent that you’re not big on tits and ass,” she told him, shaking her head.  
  
“I’m not gay,” he said quietly, his eyes suddenly pooling with moisture.  
  
“So you’re bi... AC-DC... Swing both ways. It’s not a big deal,” Evelyn assured him, placing a hand on his knee.  
  
Sirius bit his lip, remaining silent. “It’s hard for you to face because of how you were raised, how we were raised, isn’t it?” she asked, realizing the underlying issue with Sirius’ realization.   
  
“Even though you didn’t buy into the pure-blood mania, you still have it ingrained in you that being queer is wrong, unacceptable,” she continued, peering at Sirius, who’s head was now hanging down, his long hair covering his face.  
  
“Siri,” she said softly, brushing hair from out of his eyes, pulling his head up to face her. “Oh honey, don’t cry, it’s okay,” she said soothingly, wiping his tears with her fingers.  
  
“Like it isn’t already hard enough. It’s not like a game when there’s actually feelings behind it. It was one thing to be able to write off those feelings as teenage rebellion against Mum and Da, but now... I really like him, Evie. Why do I have to be so fucked up? Why can’t I just be normal?” he asked, sobbing.  
  
“You fancy your mate Remus, don’t you?” Evelyn asked, stroking Sirius’ hair.  
  
“How’d you know?”  
  
“It’s okay to fancy him, Siri. He’s obviously bent. And crazy for you. How could he not be? You’re perfect,” she told him, offering Sirius a tiny smile.   
  
“I can’t help but feel like I’m tainted. Like I’m sick.”  
  
“You _are_ sick, Siri. But not because you fancy blokes. You’re not doing well, are you?” she asked, patting his hand lightly.  
  
“No,” he agreed, his lower lip wavering, a fresh set of tears threatening to wash over him, at a moment's notice.  
  
“You need to try harder, Sirius. There’s still hope for you.”  
  
“You’re okay, though, and you won’t stop,” he argued, turning to face her.  
  
“I’m _not_ , though, Siri. Why do you think I’m shacked up in a disgusting inn?”  
  
“Too sloshed to apparate home?” Sirius asked.  
  
Evelyn rolled her eyes, frowning. “I’ve been avoiding going home because my parents are trying to force me to go to some muggle hospital.”  
  
“Wh-why would they do that?”  
  
“They’re desperate. Perkins stopped treating me back in January... They fail to recognize that I don’t mind the horror that surrounds me. I know I’m too far in to ever get better. I’m just waiting to die, at this point,” she continued, shrugging.  
  
Sirius grabbed her hand, squeezing it. “Marry me.”  
  
“Sirius, what are you talking about? We’re just... we.... no....” she trailed off, staring at Sirius, perplexed.  
  
“I mean fuck it, why not, Evie? Like you said before... it’d make things right for everyone. I could get my inheritance. I could have a normal life, having a wife and all... I’m so tired of fighting everything, Evie. Sometimes it feels better to just give in.”  
  
“Sirius, that’s not what you want... you _hate_ your family. You despise everything they stand for. This isn’t what you want for yourself,” Evelyn replied, standing up.  
  
“Who am I even kidding, Evie? I’m a Black. I’m tired of fighting the darkness inside me, tired of struggling against it as it consumes me. Why fight fate?” he asked, a desperate look in his eyes.  
  
“I don’t want it to be like this Sirius... I don’t want to be your wife, just because you’re tired of fighting. I don’t want it to be you settling for me.”  
  
“Oh come on, it’s not like you’d make out badly in the deal. Your parents will be happy and off your back. You can do as you please. You’ll have all the money you could ever want for, a home of your own. You’ll have _me_. I know I’m not Lucius, not the man you _actually_ want, but hey, this is us both settling, and I think it’s a pretty fair deal,” Sirius said sharply, glaring at her.  
  
“You’re not thinking clearly, Sirius,” Evelyn noted, staring at him. “You’re starving yourself, you’re not sleeping, you’re suicidal... this sudden decision to just give up, to reclaim your ‘birthright’ isn’t you. It’s just you panicking and running away from what the real problem is.”  
  
“And what is that problem?” he sneered, standing as well, taking a menacing step towards her.  
  
“You’re sick, sicker than you’ve been in a long, long time. You’re in crisis mode, Sirius. And if you don’t get help, and start focusing on getting better, this _will_ kill you. This is you denying that you’re in too deep and need help.”  
  
Sirius stared sharply at her for a moment, his facial expression unreadable. “Don’t tell me what this is.”


	20. I Don't Care if it Hurts, I Want to Have Control

“Sirius.”  
  
Sirius ignored the voices repeating his name behind him, continuing to stride purposefully towards the library. As he placed a hand on the door knob, he felt a hand grip his shoulder. “What?” he asked coldly, turning around.  
  
“Why’d you stop coming to group?” Lydia asked, her hands resting on her slim hips.  
  
“Why do you even care?” he sneered, rolling his eyes.  
  
“Because we’re worried about you,” Tom quipped, eyeing Sirius with concern.  
  
Sirius opened his mouth to respond, but was interrupted by Marlene.  
  
“Don’t try to brush us off and say you’re fine, Sirius. You look like hell and your friends are worried sick about you, as well.”  
  
“None of you people seem to understand that I’m _fine_. I’m eating. I’m busy with homework and studying and quidditch. I’m okay,” he protested, arms crossed.  
  
“Yes, because it’s normal to rush out of the Great Hall after every meal to immediately puke up what meager portion you ate. And it’s _very_ normal to come off your broom shaking like a leaf after quidditch practice, barely able to drag yourself back to the field house before your knees give out. Obviously you’re right as rain, Sirius,” Marlene retorted, sarcastically.  
  
“Everyone is worried about you,” Tom said calmly, attempting to make eye contact with him. “We are... all of group is. Your friends, Ev-”  
  
“Oh, and I’m sure that all of my so-called _friends_ are coming to you with this, telling you that they’re worried,” he interrupted, shoving his hands in his pockets.  
  
“Evelyn wrote me, asking about you. She’s worried about you,” Lydia said softly.  
  
“She said you’ve discontinued treatment, entirely,” Tom added.  
  
“Because I’m not sick. Like I’ve already told you, I’m doing just fine. I was having a hard time, but I’m okay, now. I’m better.”  
  
Marlene sighed, throwing her arms up, exasperated. “You’re _not_ , though. You know that, right? It’s one thing to lie to your friends, to your treatment team, but you can’t honestly believe that you’re doing fine.”  
  
“Nor can you honestly expect us to buy it,” Lydia noted, chiming in. “We know every lie, every excuse in the book. We’ve all used most of them at some point, ourselves. You can’t hide your sickness from people going through the same bloody thing!”  
  
“Oh, Evelyn is _concerned_ is she? Did she mention that she was so concerned for me, she saw fit to continue shagging Malfoy, even though he’s married?”  
  
The three fell silent, watching as Sirius’ eyes darkened with hatred, anger.  
  
“Oh, and did she mention how after I got out of hospital, that she fell off the face of the earth, ignoring my letters, or merely sending back one-lined replies declining my requests that she come visit? Did she happen to mention how she ignored me for weeks after I walked in on her and Malfoy, when I went to see her? Or how she stared right through me, as if I was nothing but an _inconvenience_ to her? Hmm? Or how she’d rather be someone’s mistress than be my wife?” he screamed, his voice cracking, tears threatening to burst from his eyes at any moment.  
  
“Have you started purging blood, again?” Tom asked suddenly, interrupting the painful silence that had fallen on the group.   
  
“I’m not-”  
  
“I frequent the same toilets, mate. I’ve heard you in there...” he trailed off, his eyes darting down towards the floor.  
  
“You’re aware that what you’re doing could quite literally kill you, yeah?” Marlene asked, frowning.  
  
“Maybe that’s what I want,” Sirius said darkly, before storming past the group, headed towards the school grounds.

* * *

“Padfoot.”  
  
Sirius looked up, surprised by the sudden intrusion. After the confrontation in front of the library, Sirius had wandered out towards the quidditch pitch, desperate for solitude. He had settled beneath the bleachers, silently observing as Ravenclaw facilitated a team practice.  
  
“What do you want, Remus?” he asked, unable to hide the bitterness in his tone. _Can’t you see I want to be alone?_  
  
“Can I join you?” Remus asked, taking a seat beside Sirius, carefully placing his right hand over Sirius’ left one.  
  
“You’re angry with me, I suppose,” he said suddenly, staring straight ahead at the quidditch pitch.   
  
“I’m not angry at you,” Sirius protested, turning to face him. “What makes you say that?”  
  
“Please, Sirius. I’m not daft. You’ve been distant towards me ever since... I’m sorry I told James and Lily your business, I was just afraid. I don’t want to lose you,” he explained, a stray tear trickling down Remus’ cheek.  
  
Instinctively, Sirius reached forward, wiping the tear away with his thumb. “You’re not going to lose me,” he told him, reaching to brush Remus’ mousy brown hair from out of his eyes.   
  
“Marlene and Tom said you’ve stopped going to group,” Remus noted, his fingers slowly entwining with Sirius’ own. “How come?”  
  
“I don’t want to talk about this, Remus,” Sirius warned, attempting to tug his hand free.  
  
“Padfoot. Please, talk to me,” he said slowly, squeezing Sirius’ hand tightly.  
  
_Stupid bloody werewolf strength_ , Sirius cursed, biting his lip.  
  
“Everything is fine, Moony. I promise.”  
  
“Sirius, please... you’re shutting me out-”  
  
Sirius interrupted Remus by kissing him, throwing himself at the boy, so that he was straddling him, his groin inches away Sirius’ own. He grinned in satisfaction as he heard Remus emit a low, guttural groan. The full moon was nearing, and Remus became far more aggressive around that time. “Want you, Moony,” he said lowly, entwining his fingers in Remus’ hair as he kissed the boy harder, deepening the kiss.  
  
“Not here,” Remus gasped, his cheeks flushing to a bright pink.  
  
“You’re adorable,” Sirius told him, kissing him pertly on the lips.  
  
“Sirius...” Remus stopped, staring down at the ground... “I’ve never actually... I’m not quite sure I’m...”  
  
“I’ve never... with, y’know... either. And we don't have to do anything you don’t want to.. I just... fuck. I... I think I’m falling in love with you, Moony,” Sirius muttered, running his fingers through his own hair.  
  
He felt his heart racing as Remus reached toward him, his fingers hot against his skin.  
  
“Let’s go somewhere more private,” he said lowly, his breath hot on Sirius’ ear.   
  
“Okay,” Sirius choked, attempting to steady himself as he stood. “Room of Requirement?”  
  
Remus nodded, leading the way.

* * *

Sirius stared down at blank parchment, ignoring the droning of Professor Binns as he contemplated what he would eat later that afternoon at lunch. Sirius thought about food, a lot. Out of guilt, or perhaps manipulation, Sirius had stopped purging. Grueling quidditch practices drained Sirius, and he found he simply could not spare the energy required to regurgitate every meal. Rather ironically, years of treatment had made him something of an expert on nutrition. He may have been absolute garbage at memorizing dates and names for History of Magic, but Sirius could rattle off the caloric content of nearly any food he could think of. For instance, he knew that a slice of whole grain bread had sixty-nine calories, and a small apple had fifty-three calories. He also knew just how much he needed to eat in order to continue functioning. At James’ insistence, Sirius had begrudgingly increased his food intake, if only for the sake of quidditch season. While before Sirius had preferred to eat minimally and not keep track of caloric content, he now was hyper-aware of everything he consumed. He found himself scribbling down everything he ate, along with the number of calories, usually in the margins of his notes. Frowning, he began to write down what he had eaten that morning, deciding that attempting to take notes at this point in class would be a futile effort.   
  
_8AM_  
1 glass orange juice, 111calories  
1 slice w.w toast, 69calories  
1 bowl oatmeal, 158calories  
_________________________  
338calories  
Sirius sighed, staring down at the numbers. _Shouldn’t have had the oatmeal_ , he thought miserably, resting his head on the desk. Usually, Sirius preferred to limit himself to under 600 calories a day. However, he’d found himself shaky and barely able to control his body movements after a grueling quidditch practice that morning. He’d forced himself to eat the bowl of hateful oatmeal, reminding himself that the carbohydrates would provide him with a boost of energy to get through his morning school schedule. Since early March, quidditch had been back in full swing, as each house clambered to get themselves into top form to compete for the Quidditch Cup. Sirius couldn’t remember a time he had been so completely exhausted. James was a slave driver, demanding the team practice twice, daily. Mornings before breakfast found Sirius dragging himself through what James referred to as ‘conditioning’ practices, which appeared to Sirius to be mostly running. His day continued as a blur of classes that he barely paid attention in and of course, meal times.   
  
_I’ll have to make up for it at lunch_.  
  
_Noon_  
1 serving romaine, 15calories  
1 small banana, 90calories  
_________________________  
105calories  
  
Sirius chewed his lip thoughtfully, calculating the total in his head. _Four hundred forty-three. So that leaves one hundred fifty-seven for dinner. Hmmmm._ He sat silently, deep in thought, as he scrambled his brain, trying to decide what he would eat at dinner that night. Sirius found his thoughts interrupted as Remus shook him on the shoulder. “Class is over, mate,” he told him, eyeing Sirius curiously.  
  
Sirius quickly covered his parchment with his hands, hoping that Remus hadn’t already seen what he had written. _That’ll be a lovely argument_ , he thought bitterly, quickly shoving his belongings back into his school bag, and following Remus out the door.  
  
“How are you feeling, Padfoot?” Remus asked, loosely taking Sirius’ hand in his own.  
  
Sirius shrugged. “I don’t know.”  
  
“I saw you were writing down what you ate at breakfast this morning. What’s going on?” he asked, skipping niceties and getting straight to the point.  
  
“You’re counting calories,” he noted, ignoring Sirius’ glares and silence.  
  
Sirius shrugged, pulling his hand from Remus’ grasp. “At least I’m eating. I’m not throwing up. What do you want from me?” he snapped, beginning to walk faster, in an attempt to escape having to discuss his ‘feelings’ with Remus.  
  
“Sirius!” Remus called out, quickening his pace to catch up to him.  
  
“Leave me alone, Remus,” Sirius said briskly, arms crossed. “I’m not having this conversation with you.”  
  
“I’m worried about you, Sirius. I know you’re trying.... actually, fuck that. You’re not trying,” Remus paused, grabbing Sirius by the wrist.  
  
“What-”  
  
Sirius let himself be dragged into an empty classroom, too exhausted to put up a fight.  
  
“Sit down,” Remus instructed, nodding towards the nearest desk.  
  
Sirius obliged, deciding to take the passive route in dealing with Remus’ sudden outburst.  
  
“You’re being manipulative. Trying to lull everyone into a false sense of security. _Oh, I’m eating, I’m not purging, all is well_. Well I don’t buy it for one second, Sirius. I know you, even better than I know myself. You like the sickness. You’re so caught up in it that you don’t realize that you’re killing yourself. All you’re doing is trading one behavior for another, Sirius. So you’re not purging, at the moment. While I do applaud you for stopping that, you’re just replacing that with over-exercising and restriction. Do you think I’m stupid? Do you think I don’t see you scribbling all over your textbooks and notes the calories in everything you’ve eaten that day? Do you think I don’t see you calculating how many calories you have left for the rest of the day? You try to stick to under 600, though you’d _really_ prefer to stay under 500, right? You’re sick, Sirius. So, so sick. And it breaks my heart because I don’t know how to help you. Especially since you make it so apparent that you don’t _want_ help. Why are you so hellbent on chasing sickness, Sirius? There is nothing beautiful about dying. I want to help you. I want to understand what you need. Tell me what you need, Siri. Help me understand,” Remus paused, the fire in his eyes dissipating, replaced by a pained expression, tears forming in his eyes.   
  
“I love you so bloody much, Sirius. I don’t want to lose you.”  
  
Sirius sighed, staring down at his desk. “I’m fine Remus. Really. Thanks for the concern, but really. I’m okay. We should get to lunch now. Don’t want James and the others worrying,” he said finally, his tone clipped. He stood, not bothering to wait for Remus to join him. “See you at lunch. Or not,” he called over his shoulder, as he left the room.

* * *

Sirius took a swig of water as he stood on the sidelines of the quidditch pitch. They had been practicing for nearly forty minutes, and already, Sirius was nearing his breaking point of total physical exhaustion. James had insisted on starting off the evening practice with something he called sprints; namely, running as fast as they could from one end of the pitch to the other. Sirius had found himself praying for cardiac arrest as he ran, forcing himself to not grab at his chest as he felt his heart pounding uncomfortably.  
  
“Come on, Sirius! Get back on your broom so we can get back to running through plays,” James yelled, flying directly over Sirius.  
  
Sirius nodded, tossing his bottle of water to the side. He grabbed his broom, mounting it quickly and ascending to return to his teammates. After running through several different plays, Sirius found his vision beginning to blur. Still, not wanting to alert James to what he would definitely recognize as ‘symptoms’ he carried on, struggling to focus on the task at hand.  
  
“Sirius!” James called out, passing him the quaffle.  
  
As Sirius urged the broom higher to reach for the pass, he felt himself going lightheaded, his heart beating painfully against his chest. Still, he lifted his right arm from his broomstick, in an effort to catch James’ pass. Without warning, he felt himself falling, his vision black, as he rapidly fell out of consciousness.  
  
James and the rest of the Gryffindor team quickly flew to the ground, attempting to rush in and catch Sirius before he hit the ground, but to no avail. James winced at the sickening sound of bone breaking. “Fuck,” he whispered, rushing over to Sirius.  
  
“Sirius, Sirius... Pads?” he asked frantically, shaking his friend by the shoulders.  
  
He felt his stomach drop as he saw Sirius’ head loll about as he shook him; he was unconscious. Instinctively, he grabbed his wrist, checking for a pulse. It felt weak and out of time, but there, nonetheless.   
  
“Someone, go get Madam Pomfrey. Quick,” he barked, turning to face the rest of the team.  
  
He turned to Frank Longbottom, struggling to maintain his composure. “Go get Remus for me, please. Tell him it’s about Sirius. Please.”  
  
Frank nodded before jogging off back towards the castle.  
  
“Jesus fucking Christ, Padfoot,” he murmured, kneeling beside his friend, “be okay. Please be okay.”

* * *

Remus shifted uncomfortably in his chair; they had been waiting for the Potters to arrive, to discuss what should be done about Sirius. He glanced around Dumbledore’s office, avoiding eye contact with the others in the room. James sat beside him, staring down at his feet, his lower lip quivering. Lily sat beside him, squeezing his hand, her own eyes damp with moisture. Regulus Black stood a fair distance away from them, his hair hanging forward in his face, presumably to attempt to mask his own tears. Minerva and Poppy stood by Dumbledore’s desk, troubled expressions on both of their faces. At last, Dumbledore returned to the room, quickly ushering in Mr. and Mrs. Potter. Once the three were seated, Dumbledore cleared his throat.   
  
“ Mr. And Mrs. Potter, I’m not sure if you were aware, but Sirius has struggled with an eating disorder for a very, very long time. He was hospitalized the summer following fourth year, and though he continued to exhibit symptoms and behaviors, his health was relatively stable until this year. Since his return this past September, Sirius has lost approximately three stone. As everyone present is aware, it appears that Sirius’ health has steadily declined over the past year. Mr. Lupin and Mr. Potter have informed Madam Pomfrey and I that Sirius recently discontinued seeing his treatment team. As he is of legal age, he has the right to refuse medical treatment. However, given the circumstances, we feel that decisions must be made.”  
  
“Is he okay? He’s going to be okay, right?” James interrupted, looking up from the ground.   
  
“Sirius is stabilized, for now. During the match, Sirius experienced an arrhythmic episode that caused him to pass out. Madam Pomfrey has already healed his broken arm, and he is resting comfortably. However, upon arrival to the hospital wing, it was discovered that Sirius is severely underweight, and his vitals are poor. His blood pressure is orthostatic, and his electrolytes are dangerously low. Which again leads us to decisions that must be made,” Dumbledore continued, his blue eyes piercing Remus as he explained the current situation.  
  
“What can we do?” Mrs. Potter asked, grabbing her husband’s arm.  
  
“Given his condition, we have grounds to have him placed into involuntarily treatment for seventy-two hours. Afterwards, there would be a hearing to determine whether Sirius is competent enough to make his own medical decisions. However, it would be helpful to the cause if we were able to secure a medical guardianship over Sirius, so that they would have a large say in his treatment-” “We’ll do it. He’s as good as my own son, anyway, I... James how could you not tell us what was going on?” Mrs. Potter interrupted, turning to interrogate her son.  
  
“Mum-”  
  
“Given that this is a serious decision to be made, Minerva and I felt that it would be best to gather those closest to Sirius to decide on whether or not these measures should be taken... Regulus,” Dumbledore paused, turning his gaze towards the younger Black brother.  
  
“As I am aware of your brother’s disownment by your parents, you are Sirius’ next of kin. What are your thoughts?”  
  
Regulus swallowed, wiping his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt, lower lip quivering slightly. “Do it. He needs help. I... he’s still my brother, despite everything. I don’t... please make him get help,” he said quietly, choking back tears.   
  
“He’ll hate us for it, but he needs treatment,” Remus noted, his head beginning to pound furiously.   
  
James merely nodded in agreement, now sobbing against Lily’s shoulder, wetting her sweater.  
  
Dumbledore nodded. “Very well. Poppy, if you would alert St. Mungo’s that we are transporting Sirius, please?” he asked Madam Pomfrey, turning towards her expectantly.   
  
“Of course... should I or-”  
  
“If you and Minerva would be so kind as to escort him there,” he replied, turning his gaze towards Mr. and Mrs. Potter.   
  
The two women nodded before hastily exiting the room.  
  
“You will need to file with the Ministry a request to be granted medical guardianship over Mr. Black. Minerva will alert Sirius’ healer to forward you his medical history, which should help with your case.”  
  
Mr. Potter nodded. “Okay... we’ll head to the Ministry straight away,” he replied, standing up.  
  
After a quick exchange of goodbyes between parents and son, Mr. and Mrs. Potter exited the room, hurriedly.  
  
Dumbledore turned towards Remus and James, as if they were an afterthought.  
  
“If you would all be so kind as to wait here, I have matters that must be attended to. I will need to speak with you all following my return,” he said softly, before gracefully slipping out of the office.  
  
Coughing, Remus turned around to face Regulus. “You may as well grab a seat,” he told the younger boy, nodding towards the vacant seat beside him. “We may be here a while.”  
  
Regulus nodded, sitting down beside Remus. He wringed his hands in his lap, staring down at the floor.  
  
“Are you okay?” Remus asked quietly, turning to face the younger Black.  
  
“No. We may not see eye to eye, but he’s my brother. My blood. I can’t stand to see him this way. I don’t understand it, why he does this to himself. I can’t..” he stopped abruptly, running his fingers through his hair.   
  
Remus observed him silently, marveled by the similarities between the two brothers. Regulus looked quite like Sirius, he noted, albeit not nearly as handsome.   
  
“Someone should write Evelyn,” Remus said quietly, turning back towards James and Lily.  
  
Lily eyed Remus curiously. “But I thought you and Siri...” she trailed off as she noticed Regulus’ eyebrow raise slightly.  
  
“You think I don’t know my brother’s a shirt lifter? Or bisexual, or whatever? It’s fine. You’re his boyfriend?” he asked, looking to Remus.  
  
Remus shrugged, uncomfortable. “Not exactly... we’re just... I don’t know... Regardless, Evelyn cares about him, and since she’s in London, at least she could be there to meet him when he wakes up. It’d be comforting to know that he has at least one person there who loves him when he wakes up and has to face all of... this.”  
  
Lily stood, peeling James off of her. “I’ll go and write her,” she offered, a weak smile plastered on her face.  
  
“Okay.”  
  
Remus watched as James continued to sob into his hands, obviously distraught. He felt surprised that he himself was not an emotional wreck. _It hasn’t set in yet, I suppose. I’m still in shock_. He placed a hand on James’ shoulder, in what he hoped was a comforting gesture. “He’ll be okay, James. Stop crying. You need to be strong for him,” he said softly, forcing himself to smile.  
  
“But it’s my fault, Moony. I should have _known_. I should have been a better friend, realized that he wasn’t doing better. I shouldn’t have pushed him so hard with stupid quidditch. It’s my fault. All my fault. He’s my brother, Moony... I should have done more to help him,” he sobbed, tears streaming shamelessly down his cheeks.  
  
“You are aware that I am his _actual_ brother. And that I’m present, right?” Regulus asked icily, arms crossed. “You’re not the only one hurting, here. Stop making this about you. It’s not about you, _Potter_. It’s about Sirius.”  
  
“Everyone is upset, we’re all worried. I mean.. I know I... I could have been less... I just... he’s my brother and I don’t want him to die,” he continued, his voice cracking on the last word.   
  
“James’ father knows basically everyone in the Ministry. He’ll get guardianship over Sirius, no problem,” Remus said aloud, struggling to remain optimistic.   
  
He turned to Regulus, hesitating for a moment, before asking, “Are you going to ummm... tell your parents about this?”  
  
Regulus shrugged. “I don’t know... they disowned him. Mother wasn’t pleased when he didn’t reply to any of her letters, summoning him home... She.... she was pleased when she saw Sirius with Evelyn, and got word that he was seeing her. If he would have just... come home, they probably would have reinstated his inheritance. But you know how he is... he’s stubborn. He hates them, hates me,” he replied, sighing heavily.  
  
“He doesn’t hate you, Reg,” James said suddenly, looking up. “It hurts him, feeling that you sided with your parents. You’re his brother, he loves you.”  
  
Regulus sighed. “We’ve both made our choices, we have to live with them. Besides, you’re his _real_ brother.”  
  
He stood suddenly, staring at the two Gryffindors, uncomfortably. “I should go... he needs you two more than he needs me. Just... take care of him. Make him get well. I’ll write Evelyn and ask her to relay to me how he’s doing.”  
  
“Reg, wait-”  
  
“It’s better this way. When he wakes up, he’s going to be furious. If he knows I was involved, it’ll make him even angrier. It’s better if you all handle it. Just... really, please. Take care of him.” 


	21. I Wake Up in a Room and Realize I'm Insane Again

Patient Name: Sirius Orion Black  
Admit Date: 28 March 1978  
Attending Healer: Martin Perkins  
  
Chief Complaint: Eating Disorder  
  
History of Present Illness: The patient is a 17 year old male admitted to St. Mungo’s following an arrhythmic episode brought on by eating disorder. Patient has been placed on a 72 hour hold, pending extended treatment. He restricts and he purges up to three times a day. He claims purging has ceased for past 3 weeks. He denies laxative or diuretic use, but admits to taking amphetamines, 3 to 6 tablets daily. He has suffered from an eating disorder on and off since age 11. He also over-exercise, says he runs for 1 hour daily, in addition to regular quidditch practices. He has lost 3st 5 since September of last year.  
  
Past Medical History: (1) He received inpatient treatment for anorexia at age 14. (2) Hospitalized for suicide attempt at age 15. (3) Hospitalized in January for tachycardia. He also had an irregular heartbeat, orthostatic hypo-tension, and abnormal electrolytes. (4) Treated again later that month for esophageal rupture, due to excessive purging.  
  
Family History: Mother and Father in good health. Patient has a 16 year old brother who is healthy.  
  
Social History: He smokes approximately 1 pack (20) of cigarettes a week. Claims to drink only socially. Admits to use of illicit drugs; cocaine. Currently finishing 7th year at Hogwarts.  
  
Review of Systems: He complains of dizziness, lightheadedness, headache, and blurred vision. Denies any earache or sinus congestion, but complains of sore throat. Denies fevers, chills, or productive cough. Complains of chest pain and palpitations. Denies stomach pain, nausea, and vomiting.  
  
Physical Examination: Physical examination reveals a young, malnourished male with the following vital signs. Temperature is 36°. Blood pressure is 90/50. He is 1.8m tall and weighs 5st 4.  
  
Impression:  
1\. Bradycardia  
2\. Hypo-tension  
3\. Dizziness most likely due to orthostatic hypo-tension  
4\. Eating disorder  
  
Plan: Nasogastric feeding for min. of 72 hours. Fluids to be replenished via IV lines to stabilize electrolytes and minerals. Recommendation for psych eval and movement to inpatient treatment once vitals are stabilized.

* * *

“Hey.”  
  
Evelyn sat down in the chair beside Sirius’ bed. “How are you feeling?” she asked.  
  
“How do you think?” he huffed, sneering at her. “They have me committed. 72 hour hold or some tripe like that. Seriously? Spare me.”  
  
“You passed out midair. Your heartbeat was erratic. Really, what did you expect? You look horrible, Siri,” Evelyn replied, shrugging.  
  
“I’m fine,” he replied, through gritted teeth.  
  
“They said you weigh 5st 4. You’re dwindling down to nothing,” Evelyn continued, eyeing him sadly.  
  
“Who told you I was here?” he asked, staring her down.  
  
“Lily owled me. I came up right away, though you weren’t keen on seeing me last night.”  
  
“What did you expect? I came to, and here I am lying in the hospital, being told that I’m being held for 72 hours because I’m a danger to myself.”  
  
“James’ parents were granted medical guardianship over you. Just a heads up,” she noted, staring down at her hands, examining her fingernails.  
  
“So what does that mean?” Sirius questioned, frowning.  
  
“It means that minimally, you’ve earned yourself a thirty day stint on the inpatient ward.”  
  
“How do you reckon that?”  
  
Evelyn rolled her eyes. “Been there, done that. About... three times now, I believe. I mean Christ... My parents _still_ have medical guardianship over me.”  
  
Sirius scowled, staring down at the white sheet covering him.  
  
“You have to try and get better, Sirius. I know what I’m supposed to say to you... the old party line of ‘oh, think of your health’, or ‘there’s so much more to you than your weight’ blah blah blah. But I’ll be honest with you and say what no one else is going to say. You look like shit. You, Sirius Orion Black, are a handsome boy... or at least you are when you’re not starving yourself. Look at yourself; gaunt face, wasted body... you look ill. Admittedly, you are ill, but still... not attractive. I made a horrible mistake, saying what I did to you that day in the elevator this past September. I should have never made the comments I did about your body, Sirius. The way you looked that afternoon... you looked incredible. Dashingly handsome, fit, strong. You back then is the man you should be. Healthy and happy, two things which you most certainly aren’t right now.”  
  
“I _like_ my body this way,” Sirius pouted, arms crossed against his chest.  
  
“You know how this ends, Sirius,” Evelyn retorted, staring him down, eyes locked with his.  
  
Sirius opened his mouth to respond but was interrupted by knocking on his door. The pair turned their gaze towards the door as it swung open, Healer Perkins leading Mr. and Mrs. Potter into the room.  
  
“Evelyn,” he said shortly, nodding towards the blonde.  
  
“I’ll go. I’ll come see you later this afternoon, Sirius,” she promised, gracefully rising from her seated position.  
  
She leaned over Sirius, giving him a quick peck on the lips before gliding out of the room.  
  
“I already heard. You got medical guardianship over me. Got it,” Sirius announced, nodding towards the Potters. “Can you leave me alone now?”  
  
Mrs. Potter stared at him, her lips forming a thin line. “Sirius, please. We love you. James and your friends love you. It appears that you’re having a hard time, and we only want to help and make sure that you’re being taken care of,” she said softly, her expression softening as she gazed at Sirius, squeezing her husband’s hand.  
  
“I know... I’m not mad I’m just... I don’t know,” Sirius muttered, shrugging his shoulders.  
  
“We’ve discussed the matter, and collectively we feel that you would benefit from some time in inpatient care,” Perkins started, nodding towards the Potters, who nodding their heads in agreement.  
  
“No. I have school. I finish in June... I’ll go to treatment, then,” Sirius protested, nostrils flaring in anger.  
  
“We don’t think that you could make it until June without medical intervention, Sirius,” Mrs. Potter noted, tears beginning to well in her eyes. “You’re not well, dear.”  
  
“I’m fine, I-”  
  
“Thirty days. We’ll reassess after then, and determine whether you are ready to be discharged after that,” Perkins interrupted, his voice stern.  
  
“But what about school, what about quidditch?” Sirius asked, glancing from the Potters to Perkins to the Potters, again.  
  
“You’ll continue your education with tutors, while in treatment. Your education is important of course, and with your cooperation, I don’t see why you won’t be fit to be released in time to sit for your NEWTS,” Perkins replied, staring down at his chart.  
  
“Do you agree to these terms?” he asked, glancing up at Sirius.  
  
“No.”  
  
Perkins turned to the Potters, sighing. “Would you two excuse us for a moment, please?” he asked.  
  
“Of course. We’ll be out in the hall,” Mr. Potter replied, leading his wife out the door.  
  
Once the two were out of the room, Perkins coughed, his gaze transfixed on Sirius.  
  
“What is it going to take for you to consent to treatment, Sirius?” he asked, his gaze unwavering.  
  
“Evelyn. If I have to be stuck in inpatient, I want her there. You need to start treating her, again.”  
  
Perkins frowned, a single eyebrow raised. “Ms. Greengrass has made it clear that she has no interest in recovery, and I made the decision to discontinue treatment, as it had not been effective for quite some time and-”  
  
“I don’t care. Take her on again. Her parents have guardianship over her, they’ll force her back into treatment. I’ll try if she’s there. Maybe if she has me there, we can help each other. I won’t go without her,” Sirius interrupted, staring Perkins down.  
  
The two remained silent for several minutes, neither wanting to back down from their statements. At last, Perkins sighed. “I will speak to Ms. Greengrass’ parents,” he said finally, resigned.  
  
“I want this thing out of me,” Sirius said suddenly, tugging at his feeding tube.  
  
“We’ll re-evaluate that decision once your 72 hours are up. Until then, it stays,” Perkins replied, turning on his heel and exiting the room.

* * *

“Remus,” Sirius said abruptly, surprised by his presence. Following an afternoon of a battery of medical tests and examinations, Sirius had decided to take a nap. Since he was hooked up to a feeding tube, he didn’t need to worry himself with mealtimes or any such thing, so he had slept through most of the late afternoon into early evening.  
  
“When’d you get here?” he asked, rubbing sleep from his eyes. “Not too long ago... I didn’t want to wake you... you looked so... peaceful,” Remus replied softly, struggling to offer Sirius a weak smile.  
  
“How are you feeling?” Remus asked, reaching over to touch Sirius’ hand.  
  
“Horrible. I feel as bad as I look, probably,” Sirius replied, pulling his hand away.  
  
“Padfoot, you look-”  
  
“Don’t. Evelyn already affirmed it for me, I look like shit. She told me I look sickly and unattractive,” Sirius interrupted, his lips arranged in something between a grimace and sneer.  
  
“Well, you _are_ sick, Sirius. You seem unhappy, and ill. You have for quite some time now... but... it doesn’t change who you are. You’re still Sirius, and you’re perfect and wonderful, regardless how you look,” Remus replied, tears beginning to form in his eyes.  
  
“I guess I scared you, didn’t I?” Sirius questioned, sitting up in his bed.  
  
“Terrified me, really,” Remus affirmed, pulling at a loose thread on his sweater sleeve.  
  
“I’m sorry. I know you’ve been worried... I really messed things up, didn’t I?” Sirius asked, frowning.  
  
“It’s not your fault, Sirius. You’re not well. Are you angry at us?” Remus retorted, frowning, as well.  
  
“I was, but not really... you did what you thought you had to, I guess,” Sirius muttered, pulling his covers up to his chin, chewing on his lower lip.  
  
“Mrs. Potter said you’re going to be moved to the inpatient unit in the next day or two,” Remus said suddenly, after a few minutes of awkward silence.  
  
Sirius shrugged in response, staring down at his lap.  
  
“You’re going to try and get better, right?”  
  
Again, Sirius shrugged.  
  
“Will you try for me, please?” Remus begged, standing up and moving towards the bed.  
  
He sat on the edge, grabbing Sirius’ head, forcing him to make eye contact. “Let them help you, Sirius. Please. This isn’t you. You _can_ get better. You deserve to live,” he said calmly, his eyes piercing Sirius’ own.  
  
“I’ll try,” Sirius said finally, sighing, defeated.  
  
“I’m going to come by tomorrow evening, okay? Mrs. Potter asked me to pack some of your things for you. Is there anything in particular you want?” Remus asked.V Sirius shrugged. “I don’t care. Since I’ll be stuck in hospital the whole time, don’t bother packing anything nice. Why dress up to mope around, when you can just as easily mope about in pajamas?” he retorted, laughing bitterly.  
  
“Alright. I’ll see you tomorrow, then?” Remus asked, smiling softly.  
  
“Sure. I’m not going anywhere,” Sirius replied, rolling his eyes.  
  
“I love you,” Remus told him, pulling Sirius into a tight embrace.  
  
“Love you too,” Sirius replied, his voice muffled as he pressed his face against Remus’ shoulder, not wanting to let go of him.  
  
“I’m here for you through and through, Pads. Please know that.”  
  
“Okay.”

* * *

“How is he?” James asked nervously, the moment Remus returned to the dorms.  
  
“He was surprisingly calm,” Remus noted, throwing himself onto his bed, sprawled out across the mattress.  
  
“He’s probably in shock. I mean... this all happened pretty suddenly. He’s probably terrified, and trying to process what happened, and what’s going to happen next,” Lily noted, squeezing James’ hand gently.  
  
“Is he mad at us?” James questioned, staring intently at Remus.  
  
“No, I don’t think so... I think he realizes that we have his best interests at heart... Although...” he paused, frowning.  
  
“What?” James asked, eyebrow raised.  
  
“I don’t understand something that Evelyn apparently said to him,” he muttered, chewing his lower lip, deep in thought.  
  
“What’d she say to him?” Lily asked curiously.  
  
“Apparently she told him that he looked sickly and unattractive, or something like that.”  
  
James and Lily exchanged looks but remained silent.  
  
“Well? Don’t you think that was a bit uncalled for? I mean... from everything I’ve read, we should be supportive and not focus on his weight or his appearance or anything like that... In fact, I recall reading something that explicitly said that we should _not_ comment on his appearance at all,” Remus continued, looking flustered. “I just... do you think he’s okay? I don’t want him to use that as a reason to not eat and try to get better.”  
  
“Remus,” Lily said gently, getting up from her seat beside James to join Remus on his own, “I think that someone like Evelyn saying that to him has a very different connotation than if you or I were to say it. Evelyn and he share a strong bond... they’ve both been sick for a very long time. I think she was trying to be candid with him about how bad he’s gotten. And for people like them, it takes something like commenting on their attractiveness and physical appearance for it to become real to them. I honestly do think she was trying to give Sirius a wake up call, not to hurt him.”  
  
Remus frowned, burying his head beneath his pillow. “Maybe he _should_ just marry her, since _she_ understands him so well. Of course it’s her. It’s always been her. Why am I so stupid?” he muttered, squeezing his eyes shut.  
  
“Remus,” Lily said sharply, grabbing him by the arm and pulling him upright, so that they were facing one another. “Stop it. Just... Stop it. Sirius _loves_ you. Just because Evelyn has more insight as to what Sirius is going through doesn’t mean that he want to be with her. He chose you.”  
  
“You think I haven’t heard what everyone is saying? _Everyone_ knows about his outburst in the hallway when Marlene and the others from group confronted him. He told them that he asked Evelyn to marry him! And that same day, he was kissing me... Touching me as if _I_ were the only one for him... How could he do that?” Remus shouted, lower lip trembling.  
  
“You are aware that he’s not in his right mind, yeah? He’s malnourished, do you think he’s thinking clearly?” James asked, joining Remus and Lily on the bed.  
  
“But-”  
  
“James is right, Remus... I think that Sirius is struggling with the fact that he’s... not straight. He’s already been struggling with his eating disorder... That on top of things probably made things worse... It makes sense that he would do something rash, like propose marriage to one of his closest female friends, who also happens to suffer from an eating disorder, as a means of avoiding dealing with the underlying issues,” Lily interrupted, gently smoothing Remus’ hair down.  
  
“Sirius comes from a pure-blooded mania family, mate. It’d made sense if he had certain reservations about coming out... He’s vulnerable and scared. Evelyn is a known quantity. He clung to her to avoid dealing with feelings... You know Sirius is shit at dealing with feelings,” James added, tugging at his shirt sleeves.  
  
“That’s true,” Remus admitted, wringing his hands in his lap.  
  
“Whatever there may or may not be between you two, I think that it needs to be put on the back-burner for right now,” James announced, staring directly into Remus’ eyes.  
  
“Right now, he needs us to be supportive of him, and to help him work on getting better. When he’s out of hospital, and in a better mindset, then you two can work out whatever issues there are between you. You love him, right?”  
  
“Absolutely.”  
  
“So right now, show Sirius how much you love him by being there for him, and supporting him in his recovery. Alright?” 

* * *

Sirius sat on his bed, anxiously awaiting the arrival of Perkins. His feeding tube had been removed earlier that morning, to his delight. Remus had been to see him the night before, bringing him his trunk, packed with some of his belongings. He felt better today than he had since he had arrived at the hospital. Once his feeding tube had been removed, he had been allowed to change into his own clothes, which had brightened his mood considerably. He had selected a pair of pajama pants and a tee shirt, as well as a sweater of Remus’ that he had packed. Sirius brought the sleeve to his nose, inhaling. He felt his a sense of calmness as he took in Remus’ familiar scent. _I’ll have to thank him next time he visits for thinking to pack this_. He frowned, glancing around the room for a clock.  
  
The door swung open, Perkins and an unfamiliar brunette woman striding into the room. “Are you ready to go now, Sirius?” Perkins asked, eyeing him curiously.  
  
“As ready as I’ll ever be,” he sighed, standing up. He grabbed the edge of the bed, waiting a moment for his dizziness to pass.  
  
“Right. We’ll be heading up to the fifth floor, then. Your trunk will be brought up to your room after it’s been checked. As you are seventeen, we have placed you on the adult ward, rather than with the adolescents. Is that acceptable?” Perkins questioned.  
  
“Is Evelyn there, yet?” Sirius asked, staring his healer down.  
  
“Ms. Greengrass is due to arrive tomorrow,” Perkins replied curtly.  
  
Sirius nodded, arms folded across his chest. “Who’s she?” he asked, nodding towards the brunette.  
  
“This is my colleague, Healer Meredith Fairgood. She will be your therapist during your stay here.”  
  
“Hello, Sirius. I know you are less than thrilled with the current circumstances, but I hope that in hindsight, you will recognize that this was the right decision for you to make.”  
  
“Whatever,” Sirius replied, shrugging.  
  
“We’ll go up and meet the rest of the patients on your floor... For now you are the only male, but there is another young man due to arrive in a few days,” Meredith continued, her cheery smile unwavering.  
  
Sirius nodded. “Okay.”  
  
“After we’ve had introductions, I’d like to take you to my office, where we can have a little chat. How does that sound?”  
  
Sirius rolled his eyes. “Like I have a choice.”


	22. This Mask of Glass is What I Choose to Wear so I Won't Ever Have the Need to Bear the Total Truth to Anyone But Me

Currently, there were four other patients on the adult eating disorder ward of St. Mungo’s. Healer Fairgood gathered the group in the day room, for introductions, along with several staff members. Sirius took a seat as far away from the other residents as possible, feeling extremely uncomfortable to be the only male present. Healer Fairgood cleared her throat.  
  
“Okay, everyone. We have a new resident who has arrived today. Why don’t we all take a moment to introduce ourselves?” she asked, looking around the room expectantly.  
  
“I’m Emma Vanity. I’m twenty and work for the Department of Magical Games and Sports in the British and Irish Quidditch League Headquarters. Bulimia,” a familiar blonde said, starting the introductions.  
  
“You were the Slytherin quidditch captain two years ago, weren’t you?” Sirius asked, unsure whether it was appropriate or not to interrupt the introductions.  
  
“Indeed. Nice to see you again, Sirius, despite the circumstances,” the blonde replied, offering him a faint smile.  
  
Healer Fairgood cleared her throat again, signaling for the group to proceed.  
  
“I’m Melody Brown. I’m thirty-five. Mother of two lovely children who are in their first and third years at Hogwarts. Anorexia,” a sallow-faced brunette announced, bony fingers wrapped around her painfully thin arms.  
  
“I’m Aubree Lavaire. Twenty-five. Fashion editor of Witch Weekly. Anorexia,” a pretty, but sickly looking redhead said softly, rearranging her curly locks in an attempt to block the view of her feeding tube.  
  
“Natalie Emmons. Nineteen. I work in the International Magical Office of Law. I dabble between Bulimia and Anorexia,” the final resident, a shorter, pale brunette who looked relatively healthy in comparison to the other residents, said, introducing herself.   
  
Healer Fairgood gave Sirius an expectant nod, silently urging him to speak.  
  
“I’m Sirius Black. I’m seventeen. I’m in my final year at Hogwarts... if they actually let me finish. I’m here because apparently I’m a danger to myself,” he said icily, glaring at the healer.  
  
“Sirius, if you could please just name your diagnosis,” Fairgood chirped, a warning note in her voice.  
  
“Anorexia, though apparently I have a really bad habit of sticking my fingers down my throat whenever I _do_ eat,” he sneered, rolling his eyes. “This is so stupid.”  
  
Aubree and Emma exchanged looks, covering their mouths with their hands to conceal their snickering.  
  
“Sirius. My office, if you would, please?” Fairgood said swiftly, turning on her heel out of the day room and down the hallway.  
  
Sighing, Sirius stood, quickening his pace to catch up with her.  
  
“Just because you’re making me stay here doesn’t mean I’m going to just go along with whatever you say. I’m not going to jump just because you say to. I’ll do things on my terms,” Sirius told the woman, as they were seated in her office.  
  
Healer Fairgood sighed. “Sirius. You’re here to heal. Part of the healing process is letting go of this _need_ to control _everything_. You are not in control. You can not continue to have this mindset of doing things on _your_ terms, if you want to get better.”  
  
Sirius shrugged. “Whatever.”  
  
“I am going to be your therapist while you are a patient here, Sirius. I will be conducting your individual sessions, as well as acting as the facilitator of the group therapy sessions you will be attending. Healer Perkins will be overseeing your overall treatment while you are here, who you are already familiar with. Later today you will meet with our resident nutritionist, Elizabeth Knight, who will be working with you on your meal plan. She will determine what your meal plan is while you are here, as well as provide nutritional counseling. There are about a half dozen other healers who will also be actively involved in your treatment. They are healers-in-training who are studying to work in this field. They will accompany and participate with you and the others during group activities and mealtimes, and provide supervision during downtime on the ward. Do you understand?” Fairgood asked, pausing for a moment.  
  
“Okay,” Sirius replied, arms crossed.  
  
“I have a series of questions I’d like to ask you. Is that okay?”  
  
“Have at it,” Sirius retorted, rolling his eyes.

* * *

_Psychiatric Evaluation_  
  
Patient is a 17-year-old single male in 7th year of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, originally from London.   
  
“I engage in eating disordered behaviors.” Patient describes onset of disorder at age 11, due to stress from adjusting to school and parental issues. Things worsened at age 14, which marked onset of purging. Patient was treated in inpatent facility summer following 4th year, when his weight plummeted to 4st 4. Typical pattern would be purging 3x a day, 6 or 7 days a week. No purging for past 3 weeks, but things have progressively worsened over past academic year. Low weight 4st 4 at 14. High weight 9st 4, currently weighs 5st 4. Restricts to less than 600 calories a day, skips meals. Takes amphetamines and diet pills, denies laxatives and diuretics. Admits to over-exercising.  
  
Treatment has included inpatient treatment, individual psychotherapy, outpatient program at St. Mungo’s, nutritional counseling, and eating disorder support group.   
  
In Jan/Feb, patient was treated for heart rhythm irregularities and again for esophageal rupture.  
  
Patient admits to feelings of depression and related symptoms, including insomnia, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts.   
  
Drinks socially. Admits to use of cocaine to control feelings of hunger.  
  
Heart rhythm irregularity in the form of PVCs, PACs, bradycardia, and tachycardia.   
  
From intact family, though disowned at age 16. Oldest child. 16-year-old brother. As heir of Black family, patient felt extreme pressure to do well in school, relates this pressure to perfectionist qualities. Father works for Ministry. Mother is a socialite. Enjoyed school. Has been barely functional during this past school year.  
  
Anorexia, purging sub-type. History of eating disorder since age 11, characterized by restricting and purging or fasting. Patient relates perfectionist traits as a related issue. Patients appears suicidal.   
  
Patient to be kept on suicide watch until further notice. 

* * *

Sirius sat miserably in the dining hall, staring dejectedly at the plate before him. “I can’t eat this,” he sputtered, shoving the plate away from him.  
  
“Sirius,” Healer Naomi, one of the healers-in-training, said calmly, offering him an encouraging smile, “you need to eat your lunch.”  
  
As he hadn’t yet seen the nutritionist, Sirius had been given a standard meal, consisting of a serving of shepherd’s pie, a fruit cup, and skim milk.  
  
“If you don’t eat, I will have to mark you as non-compliant,” Naomi warned.  
  
Sirius shrugged. “Go ahead. I’m not eating this,” he noted sourly, rising to his feet. “I need a cigarette.”  
  
“Once everyone is finished with their meals, someone will escort you to the deck, where you can smoke. Until then, you will sit with the rest of us,” Healer Mary replied, eyeing him from across the table.   
  
Emma watched Sirius curiously as she speared a peach sliver from her fruit cup. “You really should try and at least eat something, Sirius. If you don’t eat, you’ll end up like Red, over there. Sad and hooked up to a feeding tube,” she told him, punctuating her remark by taking a bite of the peach sliver.  
  
Sirius turned his head, towards the end of the long, rectangular table. Surely enough, Aubree was seated at the end of the table, staring down at her hands, the faint whirring of the machine she was attached to audible from where he was seated. Feeling his gaze on her, she looked up, shooting Sirius a dirty look.  
  
“Why are you even here? I mean, you have a _job_ ,” Sirius whispered to Emma, turning his attention back to her.  
  
Emma rolled her eyes. “Save it for group therapy. Trust me, she’ll make everyone share their sob story.”  
  
As Emma had promised, that afternoon in group therapy, Healer Fairgood announced that as a therapeutic exercise, everyone would be sharing with the group what circumstances brought them to the facility. She nodded at Sirius, smiling. “Sirius, why don’t you go first?” she asked.  
  
Sirius shrugged in response. “I passed out during quidditch practice. Fell off my broom. All my so-called friends gathered with Dumbledore and my best mate’s parents and decided that I needed _help_. I got placed on a 72 hour hold, and then my best mate’s parents went and obtained medical guardianship over me. So... Here I am,” he concluded, sighing loudly.   
  
“Come on now, out with the sordid details, please,” Emma said loudly, as the other residents began to call out similar requests.  
  
Sirius gave a look to Fairgood, who merely smiled. “If you would please divulge your behaviors, Sirius,” she said calmly, hands folded primly in her lap.  
  
Sirius rolled his eyes. “I’ve been anorexic, or whatever, since I was eleven I guess. I was treated here in the adolescent ward the summer after my fourth year. I mostly restrict, or fast. Lately, though, I’ve been purging a lot. I never considered myself bulimic... I just immediately throw back up whatever I’ve eaten, which usually isn’t all that much. I was hospitalized for heart issues and an esophageal rupture this past winter. Happy with that?” he finished, looking around at the other residents for confirmation.  
  
The four women nodded in approval. “Alright, Ms. Vanity, if you please,” Fairgood said softly, nodding towards the blonde.  
  
“I was _strongly urged_ to take a medical leave from work, as my supervisor was concerned by my behavior,” she began, in a bored tone. “I played quidditch in school, so surprise, surprise, I’m bulimic, right? I _wanted_ to play professionally, but I was told that I erred on the side of too _heavy_ , so I took a position with the Ministry. Still, I’m young, so I figured in the meantime, I could slim down and work on my body and try out again. However, as it turns out, it is generally frowned upon to gorge on entire packets of crisps and tins of muffins, then to throw your guts up while you’re at work. My supervisor found me passed out in the bathroom... concussion, I was knocked out cold. Those electrolyte imbalances will get you every time, I swear,” she continued, her voice dripping with bitterness. “They gave me a three month leave and told me to get myself sorted out,” she concluded, her brow furrowed in disgust.  
  
“Aubree?”  
  
“I work in the fashion industry. I modeled in my teens, which I guess is how it all started. When you’re so very busy, it’s incredibly easy to simply forget to eat. I view all of the designer’s latest works, so of course it is beneficial to me to remain a sample size. After all, in order to truly show off the clothes, your body needs to resemble the form the clothing was based off of. I’m here because my fiance called off our wedding until I ‘address my eating issues’,” the redhead scoffed, rolling her eyes.   
  
“I suppose I’m the only one here who actually came voluntarily,” Melody announced. “I acknowledge that I am, in fact, sick. And that it’s beyond my control. I’m here because I _want_ to get better. My daughter is thirteen, and I can see that she’s... I can see what kind of a role model I am for her, and I _don’t want this for her_.”  
  
“Thank you, Melody. Natalie, if you would?” Fairgood said smoothly, nodding at the brunette.  
  
“I’ve been barely functional at work. I was purging blood. I stopped caring about anything but binging and purging. I’d spend all day at work planning a binge, then the second I left for the day, I’d go out and eat. Then I’d spend hours after vomiting, until I was so dizzy and dehydrated and would pass out, oftentimes on my bathroom floor. I’d wake up with a bulimic hangover, go to work, and start the cycle again,” Natalie began, her eyes focused on the floor. “My parents... they got medical guardianship over me after I was treated for an esophageal rupture. Immediately following, I was sent here.”  
  
Sirius sighed, looking around the room. The others all sat in silence, staring down at the floor, visibly avoiding eye contact.  
  
“We will be having two more individuals joining us in the next few days,” Fairgood announced, breaking the silence.  
  
“Evelyn-”  
  
“Healer Perkins already told you, Sirius. She will arrive sometime tomorrow or the following day,” Fairgood replied, interrupting Sirius mid-sentence.  
  
Once group had broken for the day, the group remained in the day room, as there was nothing else to do at the moment. Sirius debating getting up and returning to his room, but decided to attempt to be social, if only for his first day.   
  
“So when you said Evelyn, you didn’t mean Evelyn Greengrass, did you?” Emma asked, slinking over towards Sirius and joining him on the couch.  
  
“As a matter of fact, yes,” he replied, eyeing her suspiciously.  
  
He paused a moment, considering. “You two were in the same year, weren’t you?” he asked.  
  
“Mhmm. We were housemates, as well. I haven’t seen her in a while, though I have heard the rumors... is she as much of a trainwreck as people have been saying?” Emma asked.  
  
“Evelyn and I are... very close,” Sirius retorted, struggling to reign in his anger.  
  
“I didn’t mean anything offensive, just that she’s been god-awful ill for as long as I can remember. That, and I know she was really torn up over Lucius marrying Narcissa.”  
  
Sirius frowned.  
  
“Oh wait!” Emma said suddenly, her eyes lighting up in recognition. “You are Evie are dating. You were her date to the wedding, weren’t you?” she asked  
  
. Sirius nodded. “Yeah.”  
  
“Is it true that she’s still sleeping with Malfoy?” Natalie asked suddenly, moving closer to the pair to join in on the conversation.  
  
“How do you know about her and her private affairs?” Sirius asked, frowning.  
  
Natalie and Emma exchanged looks, rolling their eyes. “The pure-blooded community is small. I mean come on, you’re a Black. Albeit the black sheep of the family, but still... Everyone knows everyone’s business,” Emma replied knowingly.   
  
“Plus it’s Evelyn Greengrass. She and Lucius were basically the power couple of Hogwarts while they were there,” Natalie added.

* * *

Remus sat perched on the windowsill of their dorm room, smoking a cigarette and staring miserably out the window.   
  
“Since when do you smoke?” James asked, frowning.  
  
“I don’t, regularly. Just here and there... You know how it is, Jamie... You spend enough time around Sirius, eventually you just somehow pick it up,” he sighed, taking a deep drag.   
  
“If you’re worried about him, we could go up and see him. I’m sure Minnie would be more than happy to give us a pass to go check up on him,” James offered, smiling at his friend.  
  
“Yeah,” Peter chimed in, looking up from his herbology textbook.  
  
“We can’t,” Remus said darkly, flicking ash out the open window. “It’s not visiting hours until seven.”  
  
James frowned, a perplexed look on his face. “Visiting hours... What... Why?”  
  
“He’s not just posted up in a hospital bed, James... He’s in inpatient treatment. It’s a structured program. He has things that he’s doing during the day, working on getting healthy and dealing with his issues,” Remus explained.  
  
“That’s rubbish.”  
  
“Do you think he’s doing okay?” Remus asked, his tone gentler this time.  
  
“I dunno, Moony,” James sighed, lying down on his bed.  
  
“Sirius may be stubborn, but he’s not dense. I’m sure he’s doing okay,” Peter quipped. “It’s not like he’s got a death wish.”  
  
James and Remus exchanged knowing glances.   
  
“He’s fine,” James said aloud, a seemingly final note in his tone.  
  
“Do you think that we should maybe give him a few days to settle in?” Remus asked, after a few moments. He chucked his cigarette butt out the window, closing it and wandering lazily back to his own bed. He threw himself onto it face first, laying sprawled out across the mattress.  
  
“It might be a good idea... You know how temperamental he is, Moony. Let him get used to his new surroundings. Then we’ll visit him this weekend. See how he is.”

* * *

Sirius woke to commotion on the ward.  
  
“Get your filthy hands off me!” a familiar voice screeched, the sound carrying over from somewhere down the hall.  
  
Blearily, Sirius dragged himself out of bed, hovering by the doorway to see what was going on. The screaming got louder as Evelyn, accompanied by two male healers, made their way down the hallway, towards his room. Evelyn looked disheveled, her blonde hair messily tousled, clad in a black slip and a fur coat, as if she had been pulled from her bed and brought here, unexpectedly. Her eyes scanned the hallway wildly, as they proceeded. She stopped suddenly in front of Sirius’ doorway, her eyes glazed, staring at him.  
  
“Well,” she said suddenly, her voice raspy. “At least I’ll have someone to fuck while I’m stuck here.”  
  
“Ms. Greengrass, if you would please calm down,” one of the healers said, his tone calm yet firm.  
  
“I already told you,” she spat, offering the healer a withering look, “I’ll calm down as soon as you give me some tranqs, so I can come down off this fucking coke.”  
  
“Ms. Greengrass, if you do not calm down, we will have to restrain you-”  
  
“So do it, why don’t you? Come on _Derrick_ , you know I like it rough... Remember last time we were this close?”  
  
She turned towards Sirius, focusing her attention on him. “Siri.. You think Derrick is cute, right? Fancy a three-way?” she asked.  
  
Sirius flushed, uttering something unintelligible.  
  
“You didn’t come willingly I take?” he asked her.  
  
“It was you, wasn’t it? Ickle Siri wouldn’t go to treatment without dragging me with you.”  
  
“You would have done the same,” he countered, arms folded against his chest.  
  
Evelyn smiled, attempting to smooth her hair down. “Fair enough.”  
  
The other healer looked at Sirius for a moment, thoughtful. “Well, since you’re up, you may as well come with me for vitals.”  
  
Sirius shrugged. “Fine.”


	23. I Want to Hate You Half as Much as I Hate Myself

“I understand you have been non-compliant during meals for the past three days, Sirius,” Healer Fairgood stated calmly, watching Sirius from across her desk.  
  
After failing to eat anything for the third consecutive day in a row, Sirius had been shuffled into Healer Fairgood’s office for an emergency session, to discuss his behavior.  
  
“I can’t eat the shit you have here. It’s all fattening and disgusting,” Sirius replied shortly, glaring hatefully at the healer.  
  
“Sirius. We discussed earlier this week that if you did not begin to eat and follow your meal plan, that you would be put back on a feeding tube. Do you really want that?” she asked, hands folded primly on her desk.  
  
“Obviously not,” Sirius scoffed, kicking the desk. “But I’m not going to eat so do what you must, I suppose. Just get on with it.”  
  
“We need to talk about the underlying issue, here. What exactly is the reason you refuse to eat here? From what I understand, you _were_ eating, albeit not nearly enough, before you were hospitalized. Why are you now refusing to eat?”  
  
“Because you won’t let me eat what I want. You expect me to just eat what you say and I just... I can’t. It’s not that simple. Sitting there in the dining hall and having to stare down at whatever is put on my plate is just... it makes me feel... I just... I don’t have control and I can’t handle that,” Sirius stammered, struggling to articulate the thoughts racing through his head.  
  
“You’re experiencing anxiety over not having full control over yourself and your choices,” Fairgood prompted.  
  
“Yeah,” Sirius agreed, nodding. “I’m starting to think that maybe... Maybe I can’t do this. Maybe I’m just a lost cause.”  
  
“Sirius, there are stages of recovery from an eating disorder. I think that you are afraid to let go of your behaviors. They’ve been a part of you and your identity for so long, that you’re not sure who you are without them.”  
  
Sirius nodded numbly, his thoughts racing. “Yeah, that’s pretty accurate,” he agreed.  
  
“In my opinion, I believe that you are somewhere in between the third and fourth stages of recovery. Do you know what they are?” she asked, eyeing him curiously.  
  
Sirius shook his head no in response.  
  
“Stage Three is identified by the phrase ‘I have a problem but I don’t care.’ Those in that stage of recovery have the mindset of knowing that what behaviors they are engaging in are harmful, but it’s working for them so they don’t care, and that they could stop if they wanted to, but don’t want to. Stage Four is ‘I want to change but I don’t know how and I’m scared.’ In this stage, those in recovery want to stop behaviors, but are afraid of gaining weight or losing control over themselves, and don’t know how to go about stopping. Would I be correct in suggesting that you _do_ want to change?” Fairgood queried.  
  
Sirius shrugged his shoulders, staring down at his feet. “I guess... I mean... I know I have a problem. I get that. I just... Yeah, I guess you’re right. I know that I feel so poorly because my body doesn’t have adequate nutrition to function properly. Still, I still can’t even fathom increasing my intake or expanding my food choices. I do want to feel better, but I also feel like I can’t ‘just eat’ normally,” he muttered, his eyes fixed on the floor.  
  
The two sat in silence for several minutes, Healer Fairgood watching Sirius intently. “I know that it was hard for you to admit that, Sirius. I’m proud of you for letting yourself be vulnerable and admitting that you have a problem. We will work on getting you comfortable eating again. For now, would you prefer the feeding tube?” she asked, her voice gentle.  
  
Sirius nodded. “Yeah... I think so,” he choked, struggling to maintain his composure.

* * *

Sirius sat in the chair facing the window in his room, staring out into the open sky. After his session with Healer Fairgood, he had been hooked back up to a feeding tube. He had retired to his room shortly after, deciding that he was finished with participating in any and all group activities. When Healer Mary had questioned his decision to remain in his room during dinner, he had rolled his eyes, telling her that, “If I’m hooked to a bloody feeding tube, I see no point in making an appearance at meals.” Sirius’ thoughts were interrupted by a tapping on his door. He sighed heavily, crossing his arms. “Come in,” he called out, reluctantly.  
  
“Hey,” Evelyn cooed, striding purposefully into the room and throwing herself onto his bed.  
  
“You’re awake and coherent,” Sirius observed, turning to face her.  
  
Her smile faded as she took note of his feeding tube. “Already throwing in the towel, eh?” she questioned.  
  
“Really, Evelyn. You were there. You must recall something of the days leading up to it being reinserted,” Sirius scoffed.  
  
Evelyn stared blankly. “Sirius. I was zonked out of my mind on tranquilizers. Not the faintest idea what happened from when I got here until when I woke up this morning.”  
  
Sirius sighed, pulling at his feeding tube.  
  
“Don’t pull it out, Sirius. Trust me... It’ll hurt. It should be about time for them to take it out... I mean, don’t they mostly just have you being fed at night?” Evelyn asked, sitting up.  
  
Sirius shrugged. “Dunno. They only put it in yesterday, and I spent most of the day sleeping.”  
  
Nurse Mary peeked her head in the doorway, a suspicious expression on her face. “What are you two doing in here?” she asked.  
  
“Spare me, Mary. I came to keep Sirius company, since he’s being anti-social and refusing to leave his room,” Evelyn retorted, rolling her eyes. “You should know better... You know I prefer to keep the shagging in the broom closet.”  
  
“Sirius, you have visitors,” Mary said, directing her words towards Sirius, ignoring Evelyn’s comment.  
  
Sirius stared ahead, panic stricken. “Can I have the tube taken out, please? I... I don’t want them to see me like this,” he said quietly, his lip quivering slightly.  
  
Mary sighed, smoothing her skirt against her hips. “We’ve discussed this before, Sirius. If you aren’t going to eat, you will have to have the tube. You need to restore nutrients in your body,” she said firmly.  
  
“Send them in, I suppose,” Sirius sighed, dully.  
  
“Wouldn’t you rather visit with your guests in the lounge-”  
  
“No,” Sirius interrupted, scowling.  
  
“Very well,” Mary replied curtly, turning on her heel.  
  
Several minutes later, Mary returned to the room, the Marauders and Lily in tow.  
  
“You have forty minutes, Sirius,” Mary said shortly, before leaving the room.  
  
“Hey,” James said weakly, eyeing Sirius’ feeding tube warily.  
  
“I thought they were removing that once you got moved down here,” Remus noted, taking a seat beside Evelyn on the bed.  
  
Sirius shrugged, uncomfortable to have so many people around him at once. After days in the hospital, he was feeling rather anxious.  
  
“He refused meals so he got the tube,” Evelyn replied grimly, sending Sirius a scolding look.  
  
“Sirius,” James began, eyeing his friend sadly.  
  
“Stop,” Sirius interjected, pulling himself up from his chair. “If you’re here to chastise me and give me shit, you all can go ahead and leave, now. I’m having a hard fucking time!”  
  
“We just want you to try, Pads. You’re here to get better. You have to work on eating,” Remus said gently, standing and moving towards him.  
  
“It’s not that simple, _Remus_. You can’t just say ‘eat’ and expect me to magically be able to just eat like a normal person, again. It doesn’t work that way,” Sirius sneered, nostrils flared.  
  
“He’s right,” Evelyn noted, toying with her hospital bracelet. “He’s still getting settled in. We’re going to work on it, right Sirius?” she asked, turning to him.  
  
“Wait... She’s a patient here, too?” Peter asked, confused.  
  
“Christ, what a disaster this is,” James muttered, turning to Lily.  
  
“James, shhh,” Lily scolded, shooting Sirius and Evelyn an apologetic look.  
  
“Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea...” Remus began, wincing from Sirius’ cold stares.  
  
“I think you should all go,” Sirius noted, his glare focused on Remus.  
  
“Right... Well... We’ll come see you next weekend, mate. Feel better, I guess...” James muttered, shoving his hands in his pockets and shuffling towards the door.  
  
Remus opened his mouth to speak, paused, then shut his mouth again.  
  
“What?” Sirius asked, looking at his expectantly.  
  
“Forget it,” Remus said darkly, his green eyes clouded with a mixture of anger and disgust. “If you want to behave like a bloody spoiled child, then just forget it.”  
  
“Fuck you!” Sirius spat, making to take a step towards Remus.  
  
Remus stormed out of the room, slamming the door shut.

* * *

Remus sunk to the floor outside of Sirius’ room, struggling to force back tears.  
  
He winced as he heard the creaking of the door swinging open.  
  
“Remus?” a decidedly female voice asked.  
  
He looked up, finding Evelyn peering down at him. “What do you want?” he asked, miserably.  
  
“Please don’t be too cross with him,” she began, lowering herself to the ground and taking a seat beside him. “He’s afraid. He’s been backed into a corner, and he’s coming to terms with the fact that he has to accept help.”  
  
“Why is he being so _nasty_?” Remus questioned, sniffling.  
  
“Remus. He’s in a mood. This is terrifying for him. It’s horribly embarrassing for him, to have his friends, especially _you_ see him this way.”  
  
“What do you even mean by that?”  
  
“He’s in love with you.”  
  
Remus laughed bitterly. “Oh please, don’t humor me. He’s in love with you. Asked you to marry him and all.”  
  
Evelyn sighed, twirling the ends of her long blonde hair. “He told me he’s in love with you. He’s just... mixed up about his feelings. You have no idea what his family is like. Him asking me to marry him was just him grasping at straws. He knows how sick he is, and he knew it was only a matter of time until something happened and he landed back in hospital. Desperation will make you say and do idiotic things,” she continued, staring down at the tiled floor.  
  
“Why is being so awful towards me, towards us? We love him, we want to support him and be here. I don’t understand why he’s so angry,” Remus replied, frowning.  
  
“He’s not angry at you, or James, or any of your friends. If anything, he’s angry at himself. I know that you aren’t very familiar with eating disorders, Remus. I don’t know if you, like many people, think of them as some sort of bizarre psychosis or quirky little habit. But what most people don’t realize is that eating disorders are a violent act. It bespeaks a profound level of anger toward and fear of the self. This is not, nor will it ever be, about you. This is about him, and his own self-hatred. Try and keep that in mind.”  
  
Remus stared at the girl, noticing that there were tears in her eyes. “Sirius is a wonderful, loving person. He needs you to be there for him. He needs you to love him, even when he’s being awful and unlovable.”  
  
“Why are you being so nice to me?” Remus asked, wiping away a stray tear from Evelyn’s cheek.  
  
“Because I want him to be happy. He loves you. You’re good for him. Don’t give up on him.”  
  
Evelyn paused for a moment, looking pained.  
  
Remus sighed, placing his hand over hers. “For what it’s worth, Malfoy didn’t deserve you.”  
  
Evelyn shrugged, wiping her eyes with her sleeve. “Thanks... I better go back in there, talk to him. Come back next week. Hopefully, he’ll be in a better place.”

* * *

Reluctantly, Sirius allowed Evelyn to drag him out of his room to join the others for group therapy. “Why am I bothering to get out of bed for this, again?” Sirius muttered, dragging his feeding tube apparatus along with him.  
  
“Fresh meat. Don’t tell me you aren’t the slightest bit curious?” Evelyn replied, smacking his arm.  
  
“Not particularly,” Sirius shrugged. “How have you managed to avoid getting the tube, yet, anyway?” he asked, pausing.  
  
Evelyn shrugged. “I take precisely two bites of every meal,” she said simply, pulling her hair up into a messy bun. “And I _do_ get the tube, at night,” she admitted.  
  
The pair entered the day room, the first ones to arrive. They took a seat on one of the couches, leaving no room for anyone else to sit beside them. Over the course of a few minutes, the others entered the room, each taking their own respective seats. Healer Fairgood entered the room, followed by a familiar-looking male. Sirius eyed the man curiously, racking his brain trying to remember where he knew him from.  
  
“Everyone,” healer Fairgood announced, breaking Sirius’ concentration, “we have another new resident joining us. This is Benjy Williams,” she continued, nodding towards the man, who was awkwardly standing next to Fairgood, staring down at the floor.  
  
Evelyn moved to the right, making space between Sirius and herself on the couch. “You could join us, if you’d like,” she offered, fluttering her eyelashes.  
  
Benjy nodded gratefully, joining the pair on the couch. Sirius watched him from the corner of his eye, taking in his features. Short cropped black hair, bright blue eyes, muscular.. He felt a twinge of jealousy as he saw Evelyn eyeing the other boy up and down.  
  
“Benjy, why don’t you take a moment to introduce yourself?” Fairgood asked, beaming at him.  
  
“I’m Benjy... I’m a chaser for the Falmouth Falcons... I’m twenty-six. Ummm... I’m here because I passed out during a practice last week because of my eating disorder-”  
  
“How typical, the only reason the two blokes are here is because they fell off their bloody brooms,” Emma muttered, interrupting Benjy’s introduction.  
  
Sirius stared, mouth ajar, taken aback by her outburst.  
  
“What? It’s true...” she said hotly, arms crossed.  
  
“Go on, if you would, Benjy,” Fairgood said warmly.  
  
“When I was younger, I would mostly restrict, or fast. But once I joined Falmouth, I sort of fell into bulimia... I’m out for the rest of the season,” he concluded, his eyes focused on the floor.  
  
“Evelyn, if you would?” Fairgood asked, nodding towards the blonde. “I’m Evelyn Greengrass. I’m nineteen. I’m here because dear Sirius here refused to go to treatment unless I came, too,” she said smoothly, smirking at the Healer.  
  
The rest of group was relatively uneventful. Healer Fairgood had the residents go through an exercise similar to one Sirius had completed while attending the group therapy at Hogwarts; listing their behaviors and listing consequences they had suffered. “Well that was a total bore,” Evelyn noted, yawning.  
  
“So Benjy. What are your plans for the rest of the afternoon?” she asked, turning to face him.  
  
Benjy shrugged, looking uncomfortable. “I don’t know... I’ll probably just try to get settled in,” he replied, staring down at his lap.  
  
“Well, it’s nice to not be the only bloke here, now,” Sirius noted, shooting Evelyn a suspicious look.  
  
“I agree. It would have been awful to be the only guy here,” Benjy replied, looking up to offer Sirius a grin. “If you don’t mind... Could we maybe chat later? It’d be nice to talk to someone who gets what it’s like to be going through this... As a guy, you know?” he asked hopefully.  
  
Sirius nodded. “Sure, that’d be great.”  
  
Benjy nodded enthusiastically, rising from the couch. “Alright cool. I’ll see you later then.”  
  
Once Benjy was a safe distance away, Sirius began to click his tongue disapprovingly at Evelyn. “Bad Evelyn,” he teased, shaking his head. “Such a naughty girl. Wipe those nasty thoughts from your head.”  
  
“But Siri,” she pleaded, smiling devilishly, “you _know_ you’d want to get in on a threesome with _him_. I mean, look at him. He’s totally gorgeous!”  
  
“Evie. I... Remus and I...” Sirius paused, frowning.  
  
Evelyn smiled knowingly at him. “It’s okay, Sirius. It’s almost time for supper. Will you be so kind as to join me and make an _attempt,_ at eating something?” she asked.  
  
Sirius sighed, rolling his eyes. “I can’t I-”  
  
“Sirius. You’re not going to get better if you don’t even try. Do you _want_ to have to live your life like I have? Do you really want that? Or do you want to get out while you still have a chance at a normal life? You have Remus, and he loves you. If you aren’t ready to work on recovery for yourself just yet, at least do it for him,” Evelyn interrupted, her lips curling into a frown.  
  
The two sat in silence, staring one another down. At last, Sirius sighed, defeated. “Okay,” he muttered, crossing his arms, “okay.”


	24. I'm the King of That, Pushing Everything That's Good Away

Sirius frowned, crossing out a line on the parchment before him. He had been trying to write a letter to Remus, to apologize for his behavior the day prior. He dipped his quill in his ink pot, preparing to attempt another sentence, when he was interrupted by knocking on his door.  
  
“Come in,” he called out, wiping off his quill and shoving the parchment aside.  
  
“Hey,” Benjy greeted him, poking his head in the room. “You busy?”  
  
“Nah... I was trying to write a letter to my... but I don’t really know what to say,” Sirius replied, biting his lip. He had started to say ‘boyfriend’ but had held back, unsure of how it would be received. _Are we even that, anyway?_ While he and Remus had never put a title on whatever it was between them, they had certainly transgressed far beyond hand holding and snogging in deserted corridors.  
  
“I know how that is... my Bradley is less than pleased with me at the moment,” Benjy replied, offering Sirius a weak smile.  
  
“Shortly before I was forced into treatment, he and I had a row about my purging... we share... well, we shared a flat together in London, though who knows if he’s moved his stuff out, by now. I was drinking pretty heavily, and threw a bottle at him when he tried to confront me about it... we haven’t spoken since,” he elaborated, taking a seat on the edge of Sirius’ bed.  
  
“I didn’t know you were,” Sirius began, unsure how to respond to Benjy’s confession.  
  
“It’s fine... I’m gay. There’s nothing wrong with it. Love is love,” Benjy replied, shrugging.  
  
“Evelyn will be disappointed,” Sirius noted, unable to contain a smirk.  
  
“It seems she must be used to disappointment, by now.”  
  
“What makes you say that?” Sirius questioned.  
  
“Well... it’s quite obvious that she’s keen on you-”  
  
“That’s... complicated. Evie and I have always had... a connection. But... I’m not her real love, and she’s not mine... At least I don’t think,” Sirius interrupted, frowning.  
  
“So what _really_ brought you here, Sirius Black, fellow male anorexic?” Benjy asked, changing the subject.  
  
Sirius sighed. “My _boyfriend_ and our friends really pushed for me to get help... I’m still at school, and they arranged to have my best mate’s parents obtain medical guardianship over me. So I didn’t really have a choice.”  
  
“So where’s your head at? Are you going to try and get better? Or just fake it until you're out and can do what you please?”  
  
Sirius laughed. “It’s not that easy a choice, mate. I can’t... I can’t just _stop_. I don’t want to be so sick that I can’t enjoy being alive, but I don’t really see myself being able to live without it.”  
  
“At the risk of sounding like a bloody cliche, let me give your some advice, Sirius. Coming from another bloke who’s a little older and with a little more experience under his belt,” Benjy began, clearing his throat.  
  
“Alright then,” Sirius agreed, nodding expectantly.  
  
“The thing about being young and having an eating disorder is you experience the honeymoon period. You don’t yet know what it’s like to have one while simultaneously dealing with a mortgage or a spouse or a full-time job. And it almost seems like a harmless thing, because at seventeen, you picture your life at 21 or 25 or 30 without the obsession with food or weight. You do it because why would you imagine your future with an eating disorder? It doesn’t make sense. So you go on assuming the eating disorder will be gone by the time you get to those places in your life, but what you don’t realize is that unless you treat it, it will follow you as long as you let it.”  
  
“I know... I just... I can’t do this. I can’t be a normal human being. I can’t give up the behaviors and I can’t just be a normal human being in a relationship. I don’t know how to do anything but push people away,” Sirius replied, frowning.  
  
“What is your actual problem, here? Giving up the eating disorder or letting someone get close enough to you that they could hurt you?” Benjy asked, leaning forward, his eyes fixed on Sirius’.  
  
“It’s not just one or the other... the two aren’t mutually exclusive, for me. I just... it’s easier to feel safe by distancing myself, and the starving... and purging... They make me feel safe. They’re a known quantity. I don’t trust people... even my friends because... I don’t think people love me. They love versions of me that I have spun for them, versions of me they have construed in their minds. The easy versions of me, the easy parts of me to love. And I’m afraid that if... that if they were to see the _real_ me, that I wouldn’t be enough for them. Or that I’d be too much, too much of a hassle to bother with. I just... I don’t know,” Sirius muttered, running his fingers through his hair.  
  
“What do you think you’re going to do?” Sirius asked, eyeing Benjy suspiciously.  
  
He sighed, his brows furrowed together, deep in thought. “I’m going to call Bradley and apologize, first and foremost. And I’m going to give it a real shot, this time. I don’t want to just wind up back here, which is what I know will happen if I leave here and go back to doing what I was doing. I guess I’m choosing life,” he said finally, his arms hanging limply at his sides.  
  
“I kind of want to be alone right now... Do you mind?” he asked, nodding towards the door.  
  
“Sure. Sure. Well... Thanks for talking with me, Sirius. I hope I didn’t annoy you too much with my obnoxious words of wisdom,” Benjy started, standing up and beginning to head towards the door.  
  
“S’fine,” Sirius muttered, turning his back on the boy, returning his attention to his discarded letter.  
  
_Dear Moony..._

* * *

“Welcome back, Padfoot.”  
  
Sirius offered his friends a weak smile, as he dropped his trunk to the floor beside his bed. He had been reluctant to return to school; fearful, even. However, at his therapist’s insistence, he had been released in time to sit for his exams.  
  
“It’s only two weeks and you’re done,” Fairgood had insisted, in an attempt to quell Sirius’ anxiety about returning to Hogwarts and facing everyone, again.  
  
“We’re really glad you’re back, Sirius. We missed you,” Lily beamed, offering him a hug.  
  
“Yeah...” Sirius agreed, trailing off. He sat on his bed, staring down at his feet.  
  
Remus cleared his throat, shooting the others a look. “Umm... can we talk?” he asked, attempting to meet Sirius’ eyes.  
  
“Yeah... I guess,” Sirius agreed, continuing to stare down at the floor.  
  
The others shuffled out the door, leaving Remus and Sirius alone in the dorm.  
  
“So,” Remus began, taking a seat on the edge of his own bed.  
  
“So,” Sirius repeated, raising his head to face Remus.  
  
“How are you?” Remus asked, his face stoic, unreadable.  
  
“Fine.”  
  
The pair sat in silence, each eyeing one another warily.  
  
“You didn’t visit,” Sirius said suddenly, breaking the silence, careful to keep his voice even, devoid of emotion.  
  
Remus frowned, biting his lower lip. “It was just... hard. Seeing you that way. I didn’t... I couldn’t... I’m sorry,” he said finally, tugging at a loose thread on his sweater.  
  
“You promised me I wouldn’t have to do it alone,” Sirius continued, his gaze focused on the wall, directly above Remus’ head.  
  
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I needed a break. I’m sorry that I was hurt that you asked Evelyn to marry you when we were... When I thought that _we_ had something. I’m sorry that it was emotionally draining, worrying about you for so long. I thought that I could give myself a chance to recover some, knowing that you were safe, that there were people taking care of you. What else do you want me to say, Sirius?” Remus retorted, struggling to force back tears.  
  
“What happened to ‘I’m here for you through and through’? Huh?” Sirius sneered, his lips twisted in a disgusted manner. “You were supposed to be the one person I could always depend on and you just totally _abandoned_ me. I fucking _needed_ you, Remus!”  
  
“I’m sorry, okay? I don’t know what you want me to fucking say!”  
  
“I’m moving back to London when school lets out. I bought a flat,” Sirius stated, arms folded across his chest.  
  
“Is this the part where you tell me that you’ve asked Evelyn to move in, that you plan to go running home to Mummy to ask for the family ring-”  
  
Remus was cut short by Sirius’ fist colliding with his jaw.  
  
“Fuck you, Remus. I was _going_ to ask you to come live with me. But since you _obviously_ don’t trust me and seem to think that I want Evelyn and not you, then forget it,” he said sharply, turning on his heel.  
  
“Sirius, wait,” Remus called out, rubbing his jaw, his plea falling on deaf ears as Sirius stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him.  
  
James returned to the dorm some time later, Remus still seated on the edge of his bed, his hand resting on his chin.  
  
“Guess he still has a mean right hook, yeah?” James asked, a single eyebrow raised.  
  
“You think?” Remus scoffed, removing his hand to reveal the purplish bruise that had formed on his jawline.  
  
“What’d you say to piss him off so much?” James asked, joining Remus on the bed.  
  
“I royally fucked things up with him, Prongs. He hates me,” Remus sighed, lying on his back, covering his face with his hands.  
  
“He doesn’t hate you, Moony. He’s hurt that you didn’t come visit him while he was there, sure. But he doesn’t hate you.”  
  
“He told me he bought a flat in London. I asked him if he had asked Evelyn to move in... That’s when he punched me,” Remus replied, sighing.  
  
“Well... you were kind of being a wanker for making a comment like that, Moony. I mean, he’s been back from hospital for maybe forty minutes, and you say that to him?” James noted. 

* * *

Sirius sat across from James in the Great Hall, doing his best to ignore the blatant stares in his general direction; word had gotten out that he had returned to school that afternoon, and it appeared that the student body was curious as to what mysterious circumstances had caused his disappearance to begin with. As dinner was served, Sirius took a deep breath. _You’re okay_ , he reminded himself. With shaking hands, Sirius helped himself to a serving of salad. He ignored his friends’ pointed stares as he drizzled vinegar on the lettuce, wordlessly taking a bite. He placed a small portion of chicken breast on his plate, unconsciously cutting it into tiny pieces. He caught himself chewing each bite twelve times before swallowing, and forced himself to stop. He ate slowly and methodically, forcing himself to finish his dinner roll, thus following his meal plan accordingly.  
  
James noticed the fear in Sirius’ eyes as he watched his friend drop his silverware suddenly onto his empty plate.  
  
“Do you want to go take a walk, Sirius?” he asked, immediately standing.  
  
“Yeah,” Sirius replied gratefully, standing as well.  
  
“We’ll catch up with you all later, alright?” James asked, his eyes darting between Lily and Remus.  
  
The pair nodded, watching silently as Sirius and James darted off, out of the Great Hall.  
  
“So you and Remus are fighting,” James noted, as the pair rounded about the lake. At Sirius’ insistence, the pair had made a beeline for the grounds, as he felt it would be more private.  
  
“He’s a prat,” Sirius replied shortly, lighting a cigarette.  
  
“He didn’t mean what he said, Sirius. He’s been a wreck, worrying about you-”  
  
“Not worried enough to come see me,” Sirius interrupted, frowning.  
  
“Sirius, he needed to take care of himself. He was running himself ragged, trying to save you, and he just couldn’t emotionally handle it. I understand you’re upset, but you need to see it from his perspective. He still tried. He wrote you letters and floo’d when you were allowed to. He just couldn’t do the actual visits. It was too much for him to see you... I mean... You were pretty bad off, mate. It was painful to watch, I’ll admit... but you’re better now...” James trailed off, frowning.  
  
“I’m still pretty bad off, mate,” Sirius muttered, taking a deep drag off his cigarette.  
  
James eyed him curiously, silently urging him to continue.  
  
“This is still hard for me, okay? You don’t know the first thing about what I’m going through. I’m trying, I am, but it’s hard. I spent all afternoon planning a relapse. And I wanted to, I did. All through dinner, all I could think about was how badly I wanted to rush up to the third floor lav, fall on my knees and purge. How sick is that, James? I know it’s bad, and I know that I shouldn’t want that, but I want it all the same. The only way that I’m going to be able to keep myself from falling back into old habits is to consciously keep choosing recovery over and over and over again. I have to keep making that choice five to six times a day. I have to make that choice even when I really don’t want to. It’s not a single choice, and it’s not easy. So please. Don’t try to dissuade me or yourself by saying that I’m better. I’m not better. I still hate my body. I still hate myself. Yes, I gained ten pounds in treatment. But just because I look healthier doesn’t mean that mentally I’ve healed at all. I’m working on it. I’m working on learning healthier coping methods than numbing myself by starving or purging or anything else that I had come to depend on to get me through things. Okay?”  
  
“I’m sorry, Pads... You’re right. I don’t know what you’re going through and I shouldn’t have assumed that you’re better just because you look healthier. I’m sorry.”  
  
“S’okay,” Sirius sighed, shoulders slumped forward.  
  
“You were going to ask Moony to move in with you after graduation?” James asked.  
  
Sirius nodded sadly. “Yeah... I thought.. That maybe he and I could be... You know. An us. Like you and Lils,” he muttered, kicking a nearby pebble.  
  
“You still could, you know,” James replied lightly, placing his hand on Sirius’ shoulder.  
  
“Nah. I’ve gone and fucked all that right up. He would get sick of me... I’m too much. Too difficult.”  
  
“Talk to him. You never know until you try.”

* * *

Remus sat quietly in a secluded corner of the library, pouring over his potions textbook. Following Sirius’ sudden retreat from dinner, Lily had invited him to join her in the common room to play a game of Gobstones. Instead, he had tucked himself away in the library, determined to study, if only to block out the overwhelming feeling of guilt over what he had said to Sirius during their first encounter since his return to school. Remus sighed, resting his head on the table; he had been attempting to read the same page for nearly twenty minutes, to no avail. He was far too distracted to comprehend the words before him.  
  
“Remus?”  
  
Remus lifted his head up, alert. “Yeah?” he asked, turning his head.  
  
“Mind if I join you?” the raven haired boy asked, offering Remus a gentle smile.  
  
“Yeah, sure,” he replied, shrugging.  
  
Quietly, Tom took a seat on the opposite side of the table, pulling out several textbooks and parchment. The pair worked in silence for a while, with Tom occasionally glancing up, eyeing Remus, who continued to work on reading the same page.  
  
“So Sirius came back today. I thought you’d be with him, right now,” Tom noted, placing his quill down beside him.  
  
Remus sighed, closing his book. “I can’t deal with him right now. It’s draining, trying to save him.”  
  
“It’s not your job to save him, Rem.”  
  
“If I don’t, then who is? He’s certainly not capable of taking care of himself. I can’t let him keep doing this to himself, Tom.”  
  
“He’s working on it. He just got out of treatment.”  
  
Remus laughed bitterly, rolling his eyes. “A fat lot of good that’s done him. At dinner, I saw the fear in his eyes, how he was dreading every bite of food he took. They were supposed to make him better-”  
  
“It doesn’t work like that, Remus. I want it to and you want it to, Christ, even Sirius probably wants it to, but it doesn’t and you need to give him time to heal. It took years for him to get to this point Rem. He’s not going to go to treatment and presto chango the next day he’s all better. It’s a never-ending process. Just because he’s out of the hospital doesn’t mean it’s over,” Tom interrupted, his tone higher, dangerous.  
  
“What do you mean by that?” he questioned, frowning.  
  
“I mean that you need to understand that for people like Sirius, people like me, this isn’t something that is just going to go away. He’s going to have to work on it, every day. You have to understand that even when he does regain more weight and get back into a healthy range, he’s _still_ not going to be better. Regaining the weight is the easy part; coming to terms with your body, learning to accept yourself as you are, _that’s_ the hard part. You can’t just look at him and see that he looks healthy and think that everything is all better, again. He’s going to hate himself and it’s going to take all the will-power he can muster and the support he can get to keep him from resorting back to behaviors.”  
  
“I _want_ to be there for him... I just... he’s furious with me for not visiting him in the hospital. I just couldn’t, you know?” Remus sighed, squeezing his eyes shut. He felt a migraine coming on.  
  
“You love him, right?”  
  
“Yes, of course.”  
  
“So fight for him,” Tom stated bluntly, arms crossed.  
  
“And how do you propose I do that?” Remus muttered, rolling his eyes.  
  
“Go find him, grab him, and kiss him. Show him that you’re not going anywhere,” Tom smirked.  
  
“Well it worked before, I suppose,” Remus replied, beginning to gather his things. “Lovely chat as always, Tom. But I have a Sirius to find.”

* * *

Sirius blinked several times, shielding his eyes from the blinding light that was now shining directly in front of his face. “Christ, what’s going on?” he muttered, his eyes straining to adjust to the light.  
  
After his walk around the lake with James, Sirius had retired to bed early, exhausted from his first day back. As his eyes refocused, he found himself face to face with Moony, who had climbed into bed with him, taking care to draw the curtains closed around them.  
  
“Sorry I woke you,” Remus apologized, lowering his wand so as not to blind Sirius with the light emanating from it’s tip.  
  
“S’fine... What do you want, Moony?” Sirius asked.  
  
“I’m sorry I was such a wanker and said that to you today. I love you Sirius. I’m sorry I hurt you so badly. I know I wasn’t there for you when you needed me, but I want to be there for you from here on out. I know that this is going to be an ongoing struggle for you, but I’m going to be here for you. Please, don’t hate me, I just... I was feeling drained and I was selfish and I’m so sorry,” Remus rattled quickly, his words barely comprehensible, he was speaking so quickly.  
  
“Moony. It’s okay. James told me that you were really messed up about everything. I understand that you needed to take care of yourself. I-”  
  
Remus interrupted Sirius with a kiss, his lips pressed firmly against Sirius’ mouth.  
  
“You’re mine,” Sirius growled into Remus’ ear, pulling him tightly into an embrace.  
  
“I’m yours,” he agreed, nuzzling closer. “And you’re mine.”  
  
“I’m all yours,” Sirius affirmed, unable to keep himself from grinning.  
  
“Moony?” he asked suddenly.  
  
“Mhmmm?”  
  
“I do believe it’s time for us to return the favor to James for making us feel so uncomfortable having to listen to the noises coming from his bed,” Sirius began, his lips forming his familiar smirk.  
  
Remus grinned wickedly, shaking his head. “You’re right. After all, in two weeks we’ll be gone from Hogwarts forever. We can’t leave without a proper shag in our dorm room.”


	25. Epilogue

_September, 1978_  
  
Hesitantly, Sirius forced himself to enter the main entrance of St. Mungo’s. He had been loitering outside, anxiously, for nearly twenty minutes, and had smoked four cigarettes in the process. It was September; he had graduated from Hogwarts that June, and had since taken up residency in London. He was living in the flat he had purchased the prior spring, albeit alone. He had asked Moony, time and time again, to move in with him, but he was reluctant. “It’s too soon,” Moony had argued the last time he had asked, snatching Sirius’ cigarette from out of his hand, stomping it out on the ground. “We’ll live together when we’re ready,” he had continued, ignoring Sirius’ puppy dog eyes. For the most part, he was doing well. _Sort of._ Since his release from hospital, his weight had mostly stabilized. He was, admittedly, still underweight, but he was no longer in danger of dropping dead from heart failure at any given minute. Still, he had been persistent in his effort to work towards recovery, which was why he found himself returning to the hospital on this fall afternoon.  
  
“I’m here for Healer Fairgood’s two o’clock outpatient session,” Sirius said to the nurse on duty at the admissions desk, shoving his hands nervously into his pockets as he spoke.  
  
“Third floor,” the nurse replied, barely looking up from her crossword to acknowledge him.  
  
Still feeling anxious, he entered the lift, pressing the button for the third floor. Though he was doing okay in terms of recovery, things had not exactly been smooth sailing. Over the summer, he had noticed himself falling into some old habits, leading him to take steps to be readmitted to St. Mungo’s, on an outpatient basis. The buzzer rang, indicating that he had reached his destination. Hands still in his pockets, he wandered the halls, until he came upon the day room, where group therapy would be held. Sirius nodded at several familiar faces, the recognition setting him at ease, somewhat.  
  
“How have you been, mate?” Tom asked, stepping forward to greet Sirius with a slap on the back.  
  
“Okay, I s’pose. Been living on my own out in the big scary real world,” Sirius laughed, smiling warmly at the other boy.  
  
“How’s Remus?” Tom asked, eyeing Sirius curiously.  
  
“He’s good... _We’re_ good,” Sirius affirmed.  
  
“Are you two living together or...”  
  
“Nah... He wants to wait until we’ve been together longer, or something. Seems to think that jumping into things so suddenly would be bad for my impulsive nature... or something,” Sirius replied, shrugging.  
  
“Sirius Orion Black.”  
  
Sirius turned his head, scanning the room for the familiar blonde. “Evelyn Fucking Greengrass,” he replied coolly, smiling at her as she approached him.  
  
“What brings you around these parts?” she asked, pulling him into an embrace.  
  
“Needed a little more help... trying to stay on track,” Sirius replied, kissing Evelyn lightly on the cheek. “You look... you look good, Evie,” he noted, eyeing Evelyn up and down.  
  
“Just got released last week... I’ve been meaning to stop by... just wasn’t sure if the boyfriend would be cross if I were to pop up, unexpectedly,” she noted.  
  
“And look at you! You cut your hair! But I thought you only...” she trailed off, a single eyebrow raised as she observed him.  
  
“Yeah, well... I had a bad night... you know how that goes,” Sirius replied, thinking back to an evening several weeks ago.  
  
In a fit of depression, he had hacked at his shoulder length locks, leaving his hair short and spiky.  
  
“Guess that’s why you’re back in group,” Evelyn noted, toying with a strand of her hair.  
  
Like Sirius, Evelyn didn’t look all that much different than she had before inpatient. She had gained some weight, but given her waifish frame, it wasn’t noticeable, except that her skin no longer had as much of a deathly white glow.  
  
“Your mum said you got a flat,” Sirius noted, changing the subject.  
  
“Yeah... Lucius...” she began, unable to finish her train of thought.  
  
“Even after all you’ve been through... it’s still him, huh?” Sirius asked.  
  
Evelyn laughed, shaking her head. “If it was going to be anyone but him, it would have been you... but you know how it is... the choices we make and whatnot. You’ve gone your path, and I’ve chosen mine. I’m... I’m not thrilled by it, I’ll be honest, but... it’s mine. I guess this is the role I was meant to play... the kept mistress,” she remarked, laughing dully.  
  
“Hey, at least you get to do all the things you love best, like sit around drinking gin and feeling dramatic,” Sirius offered, smiling at the girl.  
  
“Indeed. And he set up a charge account for me at Harrods. Even if I didn’t get him for a husband, at least it’s something,” she noted.  
  
“Alright everyone, if we could all take our seats, please,” Healer Fairgood announced, her voice drowning out the side conversations of the other lingering group members.  
  
Sirius followed Evelyn to the circle of chairs arranged in the center of the room, taking a seat between her and Tom.  
  
One by one, the participants in the group introduced themselves, giving a brief overview of their history with eating disorders, and what had brought them to group. Sirius tapped his foot nervously; despise his recent tenure in the hospitalization program, group therapy still made him anxious. He looked up suddenly as he heard Evelyn begin to speak.  
  
“My name is Evelyn Greengrass. I’m twenty years old and I’ve been anorexic for the past decade. I was discharged from the inpatient program last week. As per my recovery plan, I’m attending the outpatient program,” she said smoothly, keeping her introduction short and to the point.  
  
Sirius coughed, clearing his throat. “My name is Sirius Black. I’m seventeen... Well. I’ll be eighteen in a few days. Um... I’ve suffered on and off with anorexia since I was eleven. I was released from inpatient treatment in May. I um... decided that I might need a little more support, now that I’m out of school and living alone... My boyfriend and I exchanged words about behaviors I was beginning to exhibit again and he... he and I agreed that I should seek out further treatment,” he concluded, crossing his arms.  
  
As the rest of the group went around the circle, giving their introductions, Sirius felt Evelyn jab him in the ribs. “What?” he whispered, a single eyebrow raised.  
  
“So what was your little lover’s spat about?” Evelyn asked, looking intrigued.  
  
Sirius rolled his eyes. “Remus came over to the flat and noticed that I had nothing but tea and bullion cubes in my pantry.”  
  
He frowned, thinking back to the argument.

_It had been late August, and Remus had come to visit with him, following a meeting with Dumbledore. It was an ungodly hot summer in the city, and Sirius had excused himself upon his arrival to take a cold shower to cool off. As he padded out of the bathroom, he noticed Remus sitting at the small table in his kitchenette, his head resting in his hands._  
  
_“Rem?” he asked, pulling out the second kitchen chair, taking a seat across from him._  
  
_“You’ve got nothing but tea and bullion cubes in your kitchen, Sirius.”_  
  
_Sirius had felt a cold chill run through his veins. He had expected anger, a fight, anything other than this; Remus sitting before him, his voice emitting nothing but sadness._  
  
_Sirius said nothing, staring ahead, his lips pressed tightly together._  
  
_“You don’t even have anything to say to me, do you, Sirius? I thought you were doing okay. All that talk of exploring the markets and grocery shopping with muggles, what was that?” ___  
  
_“I lied.”_  
  
_Remus had opened his mouth to say something, then stopped. “Right, then,” he muttered, pursing his lips closed._  
  
_Sirius had cracked a small smirk, unable to contain himself._  
  
_“You still think that eating is a sign of weakness, don’t you? I know you can’t help it, but it’s true. You’ve still got it wrapped up in your head that not eating is an indication of your strength, of your willpower,” Remus began, his words slow, calculated._  
  
_Sirius had remained silent, careful to keep his expression blank._  
  
_“Well?” Remus asked, a hint of exasperation in his voice._  
  
_Sirius paused, thinking. “Moony... I don’t want to have this conversation,” he had pleaded, running his fingers through his damp locks._  
  
_Remus gave him a long hard look before clearing his throat. “The ability to starve yourself is not an indicator of strength, Sirius. Strength is allowing yourself to eat an adequate amount of food every day, despite the voice in your head screaming at you not to. Being strong is the ability to fight against your eating disorder every single day. Choosing recovery, and sticking with that decision no matter how hard it gets, that takes so much more strength and willpower than the ability to survive on less than 500 calories a day ever did.”_  
  
_The pair stared at one another for several moments, each unsure of what to say, how to respond._  
  
_“I don’t know how to stop myself. It was easier when I had you or James or someone to remind me... to help block out the thoughts I have in my head,” Sirius muttered, resting his head against the table._  
  
_“I think maybe you should re-enter treatment... Maybe something like outpatient. Just to have other people to talk to... To help you when I can’t,” Remus had replied softly, chewing anxiously on his lower lip. “Okay?”_  
  
_Sirius had lifted his head, forcing himself to recognize the pain and worry in Remus’ eyes. “Yeah... Okay. I’ll um... I’ll look into it.”_

* * *

_May, 1979_  
  
Sirius stared, perplexed by the device that was making a ringing noise on his coffee table. After a moment of hesitation, he picked up the receiver, putting it to his ear. “Hello?” he queried, brows furrowed.  
  
“Sirius,” Evelyn’s voice rang out from the device.  
  
“Evelyn... Are you... Did you call me on the tely phone?” Sirius asked, amazed.  
  
“It’s a telephone, love. And yes. I sat right down and figured out how to make it work. Muggles are fascinating, aren’t they? So clever.”  
  
“Why the phone call, Evie? You could have just dropped by,” Sirius noted, lowering himself to the couch.  
  
“I... Sirius... Can you come to my flat? I... It’s just important,” Evelyn said quickly, a tinge of panic in her tone.  
  
“Yeah.. Of course. I’ll be there in a jiff.”  
  
As Evelyn was also living in a muggle building, Sirius apparated to the alley behind the building, so as not to be seen. He strode purposefully into the building, ignoring the pointed stares he was receiving; true to Evelyn’s nature, she lived in a very posh area of London, where Sirius, in his combat boots and ripped jeans did not fit in. He took the lift to the sixteenth floor, knocking softly on Evelyn’s door.  
  
With trembling fingers, Evelyn let Sirius into the flat. Sirius took note of her tear-stained cheeks, her lower lip bruised, perhaps from biting it. She looked precisely like she did the fated night in January, clad in a pink silk chemise.  
  
“You came,” Evelyn said softly, wrapping her arms around him, swaying slightly.  
  
Sirius hugged her back, taking note of the faint scent of juniper berries on her. “You’ve been crying, I see. What happened?”  
  
Evelyn sighed, lowering herself into an armchair. She grabbed a crystal tumbler off her coffee table, staring down at the clear liquid for a moment. Sirius, overcome with a sense of doom, took a seat on the love seat opposite her.  
  
“Perkins was wrong,” she said finally, her eyes still fixated on her drink.  
  
“He was wrong about what?”  
  
“He said I would never be able to conceive. He was wrong.”  
  
Sirius straightened up suddenly, taken aback by her statement. “You...”  
  
“I _was_.”  
  
“Malfoy’s?”  
  
Evelyn nodded her head, choking back a sob.  
  
“Lucius was... He said he was going to leave her. That he and I could.. That we could...” she trailed off, bringing her glass to her lips, draining it with a single gulp.  
  
“Your cousin, she found out... Bellatrix. Apparently Narcissa went crying to her when Lucius told her that he wanted a divorce...”  
  
“What did she do to you?” Sirius asked, through gritted teeth.  
  
“She cursed me. So... I had no choice but to... Now I really _am_ barren,” she continued, tears flowing softly from her eyes.  
  
“And Lucius? What did he say?”  
  
“That given the recent circumstances, he has no choice but to remain with _her_. That _someone_ has to provide him with an heir and a spare,” she spat, hurling her glass at the wall.  
  
Sirius watched as the crystal shattered spectacularly, littering the floor with a cascade of shards of glass. He stood, approaching Evelyn, pulling her into his arms.  
  
“I was on the verge of death... I had made peace with it... I... It would have been less painful for me to have gone out that way than to have to live with this...” she sobbed, burying her face against Sirius’ chest.  
  
“So is it over with him?” he asked, stroking her hair gently.  
  
“I don’t have anywhere else to go, Sirius. He said he would still provide for me, that he would still come to see me, and stay when he could... I don’t have any other options, Siri,” she croaked, gasping in between fits of tears.  
  
“I’m always here, Evie. I’m glad you called me... I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that _bitch_ hurt you. You’re still you, though. Just because you can’t... I mean, you thought you couldn’t to begin with so... I mean, you’re still you..”  
  
Evelyn pulled away, her eyes burning with rage. “I was so close, so close I could almost _taste_ it, to having all of my dreams come true. Only to have it snatched away from me with the blink of an eye. It’s not _fair_ , Sirius! It’s not bloody fair that this happened to me and he chose her over me. It should have been me to begin with! It should have been me! And everyone has someone else, and I have no one. I got better, and for what? What the _fuck_ has recovery done for me? What has it gotten me, Sirius? A fat lot of _nothing_!” she shrieked, pounding her fists against Sirius’ chest, her tears flowing steadily.  
  
“Evelyn-”  
  
“What am I going to fucking do, now? Who the fuck would want me? No one wants me. I’m just... Damaged goods. No one will ever love me, or-”  
  
“Evelyn,” Sirius said sharply, interrupted her. Gripping her around the waist with one hand, his other around her throat, he shoved her against the wall.  
  
Removing his hand from her throat, he tugged at the zipper on his jeans, pulling himself out. Swiftly, he entered her, returning his hand to her throat. “Shut. The. Fuck. Up.”

* * *

_July, 1979_  
  
“Sirius, will you just admit that you’re relapsing,” Remus said calmly, staring across the kitchen table at a visibly irritated Sirius.  
  
“I’m _fine_ ,” he spat, arms crossed.  
  
“You don’t eat. You’re out until god knows when with Evelyn at all those muggle clubs, doing god knows what,” Remus continued, digging his nails into his thigh, urging himself to reign in his temper.  
  
“Jealous, are you? It’s not like _you_ ever want to spend the night with me, spend any time with me at all,” Sirius retorted, glaring.  
  
“In case you haven’t noticed, Sirius, there’s a _war_ going on! I thought you understood that Dumbledore has things he needs me to do... Things that I can’t tell you about,” Remus replied, involuntarily, baring his teeth; it was close to the full, and he was on edge.  
  
“It’s not _fair_. I tell you everything! And you can’t even tell me the nature of the missions he’s sending you on?” Sirius pouted.  
  
“While I did appreciate the full disclosure of your indiscretions with Evelyn-”  
  
“You mean the pity fuck? I mean Christ, Remus I didn’t know what to do!”  
  
“Regardless, this isn’t my secret to tell.”  
  
“How much weight have you lost this time, Sirius?” Remus questioned, ignoring Sirius’ stony demeanor.  
  
“Padfoot, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I haven’t been here for you. I know you’re struggling. I should be here... I... I told Dumbledore I need to take some time away from Order business. I can... if you still want me to, that is... move in. We can spend some time... together.”  
  
“Really?” Sirius asked, his voice soft.  
  
“Of course. You’re mine, Sirius. You’re struggling. Let me take care of you."

* * *

_December, 1979_  
  
Sirius stood in the Potter’s backyard, smoking a cigarette. As Lily was expecting, he had been shooed out of the house, leaving him to enjoy the calming effects of nicotine in solitude.  
  
“I can’t believe she’s dead,” Sirius muttered to himself, ignoring the chill of the wind whirling around him.  
  
He had received the news earlier that morning; a simple note, in Mrs. Greengrass’ elegant script. _Evelyn has passed away._  
  
Sirius laughed bitterly, tossing his cigarette to the ground, grinding it with his heel. It had been James that had found him earlier in the day, holed up at the Leaky Caludron, reeking of gin. _It’s always James, isn’t it? Such a hero. Always the one sent off to find Sirius, who’s such a mess. Who can’t be trusted to take care of himself._  
  
James had insisted that he come spend the night, had essentially shoved him into the bathroom upon arrival to the home, insisting he shower.  
  
“Sirius,” Remus said softly, wrapping his arm around him.  
  
“She’s dead, Moony. Fucking bitch... She fucking starved herself to death,” Sirius sniffled, struggling to force back tears.  
  
“Sirius.. I’m sorry... I...”  
  
“What am I going to do, Moony? How could she leave me to deal with this... I... can’t do this alone,” Sirius muttered, pulling himself from out of Remus’ grasp.  
  
“Siri-”  
  
“Remus, she was doing _okay_! She was going to have a baby... And that fucking bitch, my lovely cousin, had Bella take care of it. She ruined her life. It’s not fair! She was going to have everything she wanted... Lucius. A family. It’s just not fair.”  
  
“Come inside and have dinner with us, Sirius.”  
  
“I’m not hungry,” Sirius muttered, arms crossed.  
  
Remus sighed, brows furrowed.  
  
“What is it you’re trying to accomplish here, Padfoot? Evelyn died and it’s not fair, so you’re starving yourself in protest? It doesn’t work that way, Sirius! You’ve come so far, and you’re going to throw it all away, for what? Is it really that awful, being alive? Being with me? What exactly do you want, Sirius? To join Evelyn in the ground? Because that’s all that doing this, acting like this is going to accomplish. You’ve barely been eating these past few months, as is. Another few weeks of this, and you’ll be right back to where you were; on the verge of cardiac arrest. Is that what you want?” Remus screamed, grabbing Sirius’ wrists.  
  
The two stared, eyes radiating with rage, anger.  
  
Sirius sighed, resigned. “Okay. Fine. Okay.”

* * *

“It is not a sudden leap from sick to well. It is a slow, strange meander from sick to mostly well. The misconception that eating disorders are a medical disease in the traditional sense is not helpful here. There is no 'cure'. A pill will not fix it, though it may help. Ditto therapy, ditto food, ditto endless support from family and friends. You fix it yourself. It is the hardest thing that I have ever done, and I found myself stronger for doing it. Much stronger.” ― Marya Hornbacher, _Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you to everyone who's taken the time to read this. It's been fun, but sadly, all things must come to an end. Eating disorders are a serious condition that ruin lives. Admittedly, some of the things I portrayed may have been unpleasant, but that is the reality of the illness; it will take your life if you let it. I'm amazed that anyone even read this, let alone liked it. Thoughts, questions, and complaints are always welcome here or via my tumblr: [hell0lust](http://hell0lust.tumblr.com/)


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